Brother being harsh about my SO

[jana89]

My SO is coming for three weekīs visit at the end of February We havenīt seen each other for a loooong time (itīs gonna be 7 months in Feb.), so Iīm really excited about being with him again. It is second time, when he is seeing my family and he wants to bond more with them. He specifically told me he would love to spend some time with my brother to make a stronger relationship. When I told my brother, he replied: "I donīt care about him, he will always be a stranger for me, Iīm probably going to see him like once a year, so I have no reason to bond with him. I donīt mind him, but donīt make me spend some special time with him." I didnīt know what to say. This was yesterday. Iīm still thinking about those words, Iīm really hurt by that. My SO is really trying to be part of the family, he is asking all the time about them, befriended my brother and his gf on FB etc. My parents donīt speak English, but still they are trying to connect with my SO in some way, but my brother speaks English very well and refuses to spend time with him. It is very important to me that my family accepts my SO, so any advice on how to make sibling and SO closer, is very appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[abna1]

If you and your brother are very close, I could imagine that he wants you to happy. Maybe tell him that this is very important to you that the two of them get to know each other better. Ask him to just try to make an effort for the three weeks that your SO is there, because he is also a very special person in your life now. Not seeing him often will only be for the time that you two are LD (no matter who does the move). Why not start building a relationship with him, while you are still apart. He will hopefully see your SO more often in the future.
Do they have any common interests? Maybe something the three of you could do together while he is visiting ?

[Zephii]

I understand. I had a similar reaction from my aunt (who I'm very close to) when I was planning my wedding. She was all "I don't mind sitting with strangers, but don't put me with his family, I'm never going to see them again, blah blah". So I sat her with his family out of spite, and she ended up really liking his grandma I also get the "he's a stranger" thing. My sister still goes on about when Obi and I had our third visit, about how he was still "someone none of us knew". I'd been dating him a year, friends for many years, but because he was new to her at that point in time (and by new, they'd been pen pals and spoken on the phone a few times, but that's "not counted" because it's not "real life") she considers that our relationship at that point was about as deep as if I'd met him at the pub the month before. I have the feeling that if we never had the intention of living for any period in this country none of "my people" would have cared to be close with him.

For your brother, it also seems like he might just be hurting a bit because one day you're going to move away with your SO, and he can't see how either of you will play an active role in his life from that point. To him, it probably seems pointless to forge a relationship so he has another person to miss.

I wouldn't try to toss them together. By all means invite your brother along when you're doing things with your SO but don't try to force a friendship to happen. They'll either like each other or they won't and no amount of forced time together - or even missed opportunities to be together - is likely to change that outcome. For example I've tried hard to be friends with Obi's sister. We have a lot of shared interests/tastes, we've spent time alone together and also had long periods where contact was only of the facebook variety, but nothing changes the fact I dislike her the way normal people hate peas. It's either there, or it's not. Besides, it's only his second time meeting your family. I know being in a LDR makes us want to pack a lot of bonding into a short period of time, but one or two short but enjoyable encounters between them might do more good than giving them a chance to get on each others nerves. Give your brother time to warm up about it!

(I hope this made sense. I am made of tired right now.)

[differentcountries]

You say you want them all to get along. I gather you would like for them to see so with your eyes. I would warn against the trying to get them to be friends. It is natural for your brother to be sceptical. If you can get them to talk decent with each other that is still progress. You can not make anybody ever be friends if they are not ready and find some common grund. Some may resent being put together like children on a play date. Your brother is right that he chooses his own friends, and also that he will probably not see him live very often. He is also wrong in thinking this means the relation he has with him does not matter. It matters to you, and he acts in a way that may lead you to choose between them.

[jana89]

I understand. I had a similar reaction from my aunt (who I'm very close to) when I was planning my wedding. She was all "I don't mind sitting with strangers, but don't put me with his family, I'm never going to see them again, blah blah". So I sat her with his family out of spite, and she ended up really liking his grandma I also get the "he's a stranger" thing. My sister still goes on about when Obi and I had our third visit, about how he was still "someone none of us knew". I'd been dating him a year, friends for many years, but because he was new to her at that point in time (and by new, they'd been pen pals and spoken on the phone a few times, but that's "not counted" because it's not "real life") she considers that our relationship at that point was about as deep as if I'd met him at the pub the month before. I have the feeling that if we never had the intention of living for any period in this country none of "my people" would have cared to be close with him.

For your brother, it also seems like he might just be hurting a bit because one day you're going to move away with your SO, and he can't see how either of you will play an active role in his life from that point. To him, it probably seems pointless to forge a relationship so he has another person to miss.

I wouldn't try to toss them together. By all means invite your brother along when you're doing things with your SO but don't try to force a friendship to happen. They'll either like each other or they won't and no amount of forced time together - or even missed opportunities to be together - is likely to change that outcome. For example I've tried hard to be friends with Obi's sister. We have a lot of shared interests/tastes, we've spent time alone together and also had long periods where contact was only of the facebook variety, but nothing changes the fact I dislike her the way normal people hate peas. It's either there, or it's not. Besides, it's only his second time meeting your family. I know being in a LDR makes us want to pack a lot of bonding into a short period of time, but one or two short but enjoyable encounters between them might do more good than giving them a chance to get on each others nerves. Give your brother time to warm up about it!

(I hope this made sense. I am made of tired right now.)

Thanks a lot It makes so much sense. In fact, you exactly described what my brother and I were talking about earlier today. He said he will never accept me moving away, even though he will not try to stop me, cause he understands it is my life. Also he said he feels I put a pressure on him to be friend with my SO. He said he thinks my SO is a nice guy, but he doesnīt see himself getting closer with him then they are now. When I read your comment, I suddenly got it. The thing is that I became real member of my SOīs family from the first moment I came in; I chat with his brothers and even send e-mails with his mum occasionaly. It felt very nice to me and I just wanted my SO to feel same accepted. But true is that we come from different culture and people in here take this stuff differently. It isnīt like that my brother would be rude to my SO when he is here or anything like that, maybe reserved would be the word. We agreed to meet during two occasions, but nothing forced, just night out at bowling alley and having lunch together. One step a time

[piratemama]

I'm sorry for this stress on you. You are right to take it one step at a time. I'm sure your brother is worried for you, and he probably doesn't get an LDR like we do here on the forum. It will just take time, but I'm sure he will learn to like your SO after spending more time with him. We want our families and friends to know and love our SO's right off, but they need more time to adjust. I hope it works out fast for you, though. It's great your SO wants to bond more with your family. Sounds like a wonderful person. Good luck with the brother.

[Hollandia]

My brother and his BF were the same way until this last time my SO came to visit. After dinner at my brother's we all sat around and had a few cocktails and played an awesome board game together. It is called Cards Against Humanity, very risque but really gets you to get to know one another while playing. They are now planning to fly over to Netherlands this summer to hang out with us over here for a few weeks. Something I never really thought would happen. I was not really even trying to push them together. My mom wanted to see me over the holidays and so I went with my SO to my brothers for NY day dinner and it was the small talk friendly banter up until the game and then just tons of laughs and like we all have known each other for years.

I would suggest doing something where they don't "have" to talk to each other, like just a meal together, that creates an environment of pressure. I once was a camp counselor and because we needed to all work closely together and had never met before, the camp required us to team up and do a trust exercise in the woods. It really did work, and this was an adventure camp with international counselors, one of the best summers of my life. We worked together to solve problems as a group and by the end, friendships were created. You obviously don't want to go that far but plan a game of sorts. Bowling, playing pool, darts, board, card or video games.....they might end up just finding a common ground. Your brother might find it hard not to like him and then you can all move forward from there. My SO and my brother's BF turn out to both be shutterbugs, now the two are following each other on Flickr and so it links as all together even more with pictures from both sides of the ocean. Strangers no more.

[piratemama]

My brother and his BF were the same way until this last time my SO came to visit. After dinner at my brother's we all sat around and had a few cocktails and played an awesome board game together. It is called Cards Against Humanity, very risque but really gets you to get to know one another while playing. They are now planning to fly over to Netherlands this summer to hang out with us over here for a few weeks. Something I never really thought would happen. I was not really even trying to push them together. My mom wanted to see me over the holidays and so I went with my SO to my brothers for NY day dinner and it was the small talk friendly banter up until the game and then just tons of laughs and like we all have known each other for years.

I would suggest doing something where they don't "have" to talk to each other, like just a meal together, that creates an environment of pressure. I once was a camp counselor and because we needed to all work closely together and had never met before, the camp required us to team up and do a trust exercise in the woods. It really did work, and this was an adventure camp with international counselors, one of the best summers of my life. We worked together to solve problems as a group and by the end, friendships were created. You obviously don't want to go that far but plan a game of sorts. Bowling, playing pool, darts, board, card or video games.....they might end up just finding a common ground. Your brother might find it hard not to like him and then you can all move forward from there. My SO and my brother's BF turn out to both be shutterbugs, now the two are following each other on Flickr and so it links as all together even more with pictures from both sides of the ocean. Strangers no more.

These are great ideas. I would hope that I can do something like this when meeting my SO's family, however I hope they pick an activity I can do and not embarrass myself! It is good to have something else to distract, so you don't have to try and keep a conversation going.