SO's offensive words

[Nicola]

Hey

The relationship I have with my SO is pretty complicated at times, even though we love us to death.
One thing that really bothers me about my boyfriend is that he becomes very offensive when he is mad at me. At the moment we have a fight because I didn't answer his messages right away. The only reason I didn't answer was because I had no internet connection. Anyways, when I came home earlier I was able to check my messages and I saw that he wrote me. His first messages were lovely ("You are beautiful, my love") but because I didn't answer he ended with calling me a nasty ass hoe after 30 minutes already.
I told him a million times already that it hurts me when he calls me like that and I also know that he's just doing it because he is hurt/mad and he wants to hurt me in return. He didn't talk to me since then. I mean, I know that it will just last about one or two days, but it still bothers me, of course.
I would just like to know if someone can give me tips on how to deal with it? And especially, how can I tell my SO to stop calling me bad names?

[kimmidyann]

To me, that behavior is simply inexcusable. You do not deserve it, especially since you already expressed that those words cut deep. I would not put up with it if I were you, but if you want to try to keep the relationship going, I would try to figure out what is going on that makes him say those words. I'm not just talking about "well you didn't reply soon enough". I'm talking about,
- why does it bother him so much that you don't reply right away
- are there things you can do to ease that pain/insecurity he has
- are there ways to indicate that you will be busy at a certain time or won't have internet and therefore won't be able to reply?

My SO and I have an online calendar for our day to day schedules that we share. We update it with new stuff when we can but for spontaneous events we typically just leave a message saying something like "I'll be out for the day, should be home around [blank] time. This is where I'll be and who I will be with & why. Feel free to message me something, I'll get back to you when I can" and it usually works for us. It seems as though there are underlying problems and that is why he is freaking out when you don't reply right away.

If those don't work, it is indicative that this may not be a healthy relationship.

[differentcountries]

That is a red flag. Calling your loved one a hoe is not accept acceptable at any point (and is offensive to sexworkers, too!). You may have a talk with him about availability, and check if there are some serious misunderstandings between the two of you. If the two of you never agreed to always be within reach he is making up things to be angry about. I also find it disturbing that he interpretete your silence as intentionally harmful instead of slacking. He also seem vengeful ; not talking to you for 48 hours because he experienced distance for half an hour is pretty drastic.

It seems your so may have a streak of abandonment issues. And a temper...

[Hollandia]

Huge Red Flag, you already sense it. Listen to your spidey senses. Oprah mentioned it a few years back, your first gut reaction, is almost always correct. If you feel something is off, it is. He needs to stop now and get help. What he is doing is not acceptable and he clearly is having problems with anger management and showing signs of being an abusive person.

This needs to be addressed now............. he needs to consult someone about why he thinks it is okay to treat you in such a way.........If he won't........get out now. He will only get worse. If he treats you like this now while still in the wooing stage, how do you think he would be with 3 kids, a mortgage and struggling to make ends meet with a ring around your finger? Men that are abusive tend to be on their best behavior while dating and get steadily worse after getting married. They believe you are their property and so treat you as chattel. They can also turn that abuse towards their future children someday. Children can be quite annoying and trying to those of us that aren't abusive so imagine a non-treated abusive individual with 2 screaming toddlers?

Please don't become another statistic like I did. My daughter paid the price for it just as much as I did. Do you like how he makes you feel when he talks to you like that? Do you think it would be wonderful life of living on eggshells to not anger him for a few decades? Imagine your kids, cowering in the corner when Daddy gets angry and yells at Mommy again. Even the dogs would run when my Ex got mad. I think you get the point. Face this now. If he loves you enough for real, he will get help and then you can move forward from there. I wish you the best.

[talim]

I totally agree with Hollandia on this. I would try to solve it as soon as possible, because it will only get worse with time. Once I saw a family with two kids in grocery store and the man was just calling his wife "stupid piece of shit". I was totally shocked that someone treats their partner like that. Please make sure you won't end up like this woman. Wish you the best!

[lilcupcake]

Sounds like your dating my ex. These guys are terrible. The behavior doesn't get better, im sorry sweetie :/ Soon enough he'll complain about who you hang out, where you go, and what you wear. thirty minutes is nothing, he shouldn't be complaining. It's just another sign that he desperately needs power. and he's always going to want more power than what you give him.

[differentcountries]

I sent my ex to anger management. Sadly, it did not work because the therapist did not believe it could get so bad. My ex did not do namecalling, but got pretty angry and would say stuff like I hate you and would fight me. A sweet person when not mad. I thought I could handle it, but the drama ended up draining and our break up not pretty. Don't try to fix things on your own.

[snow]

My SO and I have an online calendar for our day to day schedules that we share. We update it with new stuff when we can but for spontaneous events we typically just leave a message saying something like "I'll be out for the day, should be home around [blank] time. This is where I'll be and who I will be with & why. Feel free to message me something, I'll get back to you when I can" and it usually works for us.

Very interested in this online calendar! How does it work and where do I get this, I totally LOVE this idea!!

On topic:

Calling you names in anger is a bad habit that he has to get in control. It is disrespectful towards you! Don't let him treat you this way! My tip on how to deal with this is would be exactly how you reacted: tell him it hurts you, it is disrespectful and you don't accept this kind of behaviour. So all I can say is that you cannot let him do that to you. There is no reason to call a loved one a hoe, it is just unacceptable!!

[kimmidyann]

Very interested in this online calendar! How does it work and where do I get this, I totally LOVE this idea!!

We use google calendars set up with our google e-mails. (:

[TooFarAway]

Well damn. Is it bad that me and my SO call each other names if we're mad at each other LOL (like really bad names sometimes xD) Guess we both have anger problems lmao
But in this case yeah I agree with the above posters. Your SO is being a bit much >_< Please be careful!

[melarie]

I think everyone else covered it well enough, I don't have much to add. To say things when you're in a bad fight is one thing, but to just go off out of nowhere because of something so small is unacceptable and a definite red flag, as those above me have said. I notice you guys have been together over a year, has he always been like this? Has it gotten worse over time or anything?

[piratemama]

Verbal abuse is abuse and can be one step of physical abuse. I agree with the other red flags here. You must be careful. If this is simply a bad habit of his, you should be able to talk with him about it. If it continues, you need to protect yourself. You can find someone to treat you better than that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

[snow_girl]

If I let that kind of behavior slide once, there be absolutely no second chances. He sounds like a psycho. How can you go from being nice just because to just being an ass hat because he didn't hear from you right away. That isn't how it works and it seems like something that is beyond changing. He has mental problems cause no normal person does that. You've not been dating long, I'd strongly reconsider continuing it.

[lucybelle]

Let me put it like this- would you be okay with anyone else calling you a nasty ho? Like if I came to this thread and randomly said "OP, you're a nasty ho" would you be okay with that? What about your grandmother calling you that? If you wouldn't put up with anyone else saying that kind of shit, you shouldn't put up with him saying it.

[Karringtyn]

I lived this life for three years. It ended in a divorce. It ended with heartbreak that still haunts me. RUN while you can.