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No clue about the distance closing date...:/

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    #1

    No clue about the distance closing date...:/

    Hi everybody.

    I was thinking for a long time if I should post here, believing that nobody from the outside can understand my situation, but maybe it's good to see things from another perspective.

    So me and my BF have been together for a year now, I live in one of the Baltic countries and he's from Germany. The distance is not too big, we managed to see each other every month or even more often, since in the beginning of our relationship I was living abroad and so much closer so we basically met every other week (good old times sigh). I have been looking for a new job in my home country for quite a while now and finally got it. And then it all rushed on me - realizing that now we are postponing our closing date for unknown time. It's not like I didn't know it before, I just didn't really realize it. And now it seems to me that I'm doing a mistake, that I should have gone to start a new life in his country, I had time and some money but the only thing that was missing is encouragement from him... He basically never said that I should move to him and I'm waiting for some kind of invitation (just to make things clearer- there's no option that he moves to me). I've tried to talk about it, but he claims it's my decision to make a move. I believe that both partners decide and the one that is moving to another country and culture must get all the support and encouragement and all sorts of other help in the very beginning. I don't understand why we haven't thought about it before, when I just quit my previous job, because now I don't dare to turn down the job proposal I just got...

    I know it all sounds confusing and I feel very confused and puzzled myself. We get along so good together and have a strong connection, so nobody of us is even thinking about ending it all. But it takes so much more to make it happen for real, I am too afraid to move to Germany, he is not having such plans for us yet. It's kinda clear that it's not the time yet. But I'm about to start a new career chapter in my life while my love life will suck for the years to come. I am feeling down and it breaks my heart a little knowing this fact, but soon I will need all the motivation in order to be successful at the new job.

    Any ideas of how I should handle this? Thank you.
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    #2
    I think you need to talk to him about it again. Let him know that you are not just making a decision whether to move or not and this is about both of your future's. When he says it is up to, I don't like that. That means he either is not ready for that step or does not want any blame involved if it does not work out. If he won't agree that he wants you to move there, then don't. It has only been a year and you can always quit the new job if you two change your minds in a few months down the road.

    This decision is not just about you. It is unfair to imply so. You would of course not just run off to another country to live without him in the picture. I certainly would not be leaving my country, family and friends for the Netherlands without my SO. He is just as much a part of this as you are. If he is not ready then take the new job and try to not let it hurt that he is not. These are huge steps you are talking about making as a couple. When someone leaves their country for you, there is a certain amount of unspoken expectations that can occur. Namely, when are when getting married and having kids. One year is not as long as you might think in some people's minds to get to that point.

    Talk to him again, but I think you already said it..."it is not the time yet". Then enjoy your new job and still having your SO in your life. Things could be a world of different in a year from now.
    "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
    Benjamin Franklin

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      #3
      I think that after a year of dating, you should talk about your future. Maybe you can ask him, how he see's your future together, and what he expects from the relationship. And also, you should probably think about your expectations and plans for future. It seems to me, that he likes having you in his life, but does not think you all should move forward (maybe he feels comfortable with the fact, that this way, he does not need to care about anything). If I were you, I would talk about it to make sure, that we both expect the same and have future TOGETHER.

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        #4
        Originally posted by Hollandia View Post
        Talk to him again, but I think you already said it..."it is not the time yet". Then enjoy your new job and still having your SO in your life. Things could be a world of different in a year from now.
        Being long distance is not so bad. I mean it sucks, we all know that, but ultimately it's doable (we all know that too!). Especially if you live close enough and have enough money to have regular visits.

        I sort of understand where your SO is coming from when he's saying it's your decision. I wouldn't have wanted my SO to move somewhere solely because of me. I would have felt somewhat responsible and been scared that he would be resentful if he ended up being unhappy. It's very difficult to ask someone to move somewhere for you, especially if you're not willing to do the same (which btw I think is perfectly fine). I think you're right that the partner who's moving needs help and encouragement, but I can also understand that that is exactly what your SO might be scared of/not ready for.

        You haven't been together for *that* long. I would just wait a bit longer, enjoy the relationship and the new job and talk about closing the distance when it comes up. Take your time to make a reasonable plan to close the distance, that will make both of you happy.
        Find out whether you want to move in together right away or move to his city/region but get a place of your own? How realistic is it for you to find a job? Are there any qualifications you should get before you move? Do you need to learn German? Would your SO be willing to support you financially at least for a short time in the very beginning? etc etc

        Maybe some of the questions are really easy, but maybe others aren't and maybe some are totally irrelevant for you (and maybe you know all that already), but they might help you come up with a plan and go through with it.

        (also Welcome! Yay for another Germany - East of Germany - relationship!!! We're the best obviously!)

        ♥ Być tam, zawsze tam, gdzie Ty. ♥

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          #5
          Don't give up! We have been LDR for four years, and no clue when/if we will be able to close the distance, due to financial and family issues for both of us. But we have put a lot into our relationship, and it's too good to give up. We have discovered that LOVE doesn't always choose the easiest or most convenient time, place, or situation to make its appearance. So we make the best of it, and are talking of this being a long-term LDR. We even joke about how this might become the longest LDR in the history of the Internet (we met online, on Facebook, and haven't even met offline).

          You have the advantage of being young, and not tied down, so you could move if the time comes. Talk it over with your SO, tell him exactly how you feel, and think about all the ramifications, how it would affect your lives. Even if you can't just take off in the near future, try to set some kind of goal to work toward, something to look forward to, and then, in the meantime, enjoy what you have. That is what my SO always tells me when I get impatient, even knowing it just isn't time. He always says, Stay in the NOW with me, enjoy what we have now, and stop worrying about the future. Whatever happens happens.


          TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE, LOVE BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN...

          Nothing Can Keep Us Apart, Safe In Each Other's Heart

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            #6
            Originally posted by AussieAmericanGirl66 View Post
            in the meantime, enjoy what you have. That is what my SO always tells me when I get impatient, even knowing it just isn't time. He always says, Stay in the NOW with me, enjoy what we have now, and stop worrying about the future. Whatever happens happens.
            Our SOs are cut from the same cloth! He says the same to me...whatever happens happens...so we really do take it one day at a time!


            When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

            True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

            When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

            1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

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              #7
              Hey all,

              Haven't been on the forum for a while but today decided to pass by as it's a kinda difficult LDR day...not much changed really regarding the issue I was posting about. I just had to take in the fact that this is going to be a LDR for a while. It is difficult to accept sometimes but what can one do? If you feel that you have met that special somebody and being without him/her is just going to be 1000 times worse than being together but apart.

              anyway, all I wanted to add to this thread is that a LDR is a lot different than an usual relationship. In all matters. I think it's a strong relationship from the very beginning, since you bond to a person right away if you decide it's worth to have a LDR. So now as we are almost 1.5 year together (and this is my first relationship ever) I feel like I really know what it is about. Which means that I wouldn't consider it to be too less time to decide what we are doing with our lives and if we see us together in the future (or even to make a big move if that is possible). Rules are completely different in LDR. There's no dating period, it's like a relationship from the first minute with all it's intensity and physical contact. If some of you guys manage to have a relationship without having seen each other or being continents apart, I am really impressed. Because I probably couldn't do it in that case, it just seems unrealistic. Just read a poem of one of the members and there was a really good line in it - even unconditional love has conditions.

              Good luck and keep on loving <3
              Last edited by ViVa; May 10, 2014, 11:13 AM.

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                #8
                I think it is a bit better to be on the safe side. If you close the distance it should be something you are both comfortable with. We also see each other once month now. We will not actually close the distance in years, but we got our own flat and I see us as being semi -closed because we will spend a lot of time together the next 1 1/2 years until he goes to military. Be sure to talk about your
                your future together.
                Last edited by differentcountries; May 18, 2014, 01:07 PM.
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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