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    #1

    Need to vent..

    SO and I have been together a year and 3 months..known each other going on 12 years..

    In that time he's been over to see me .. 2-3 times maybe.. and he's coming again this weekend.. he's only ever met my mum and 2 of my friends (who are neighbours and close to me). He met them a year after we'd been together..

    This weekend I was hoping he would come meet a few of my other friends at their house.. like 2-3 people maybe 6 ..im not really sure who will be there..

    And already he's like "but I've not heard of most of these people.." ...Why would he? he never asks about my friends....

    "its too many people.. im not comfortable".. then says he's not comfortable with his weight to meet my friends..Yet he's fine walking around london and still eating rubbish..it's just excuses.

    It's been a year and 3 months.. and he's never been bothered that i have friends or about meeting them..

    When he met my 2 close friends/neighbours i had to coax him into it.. he refused to budge from where he was sitting and i had to talk him into it..it was exhausting.. He's shy i get that.. but he's not even trying.. I find it disheartening that i never hear him say "Sure i'd love to meet your friends, though i will be nervous"..

    I've met a good few of his friends and other people he knows.. I've even had to stay at 2 of his friends houses and travel for hours to spend NYE night with his friend.. i also spent 5 hours in a cave with his family (without him cos he threw a sulk and didnt come with us)..

    Like I'm more confident than him ..but I am shy meeting new people..but i put the effort in ... after this long.. I would expect him to try a bit harder..I swear he doesn't take it at all serious cos he'll never live here so he technically doesn't need to meet them..

    I'm sick of him acting like a child and getting all funny when he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do (he's 24!!)

    end of rant.
    Tags: None
    #2
    I realize you're probably not looking for advice, but maybe you just need to put your foot down with him, so to speak. I normally don't like ultimatums. Maybe you need to say to him, "I'm going to hang out with Betty, Sue, and Sue's boyfriend Joe today. I'd love it if you would join us. You & Joe have so much in common!" If he says no, go anyway.

    Just a thought, though. I don't know you or your SO, but if I were in your shoes, that's what I would be doing.


    2016 Goal: Buy a house.
    Progress: Complete!

    2017 Goal: Pay off credit card debt
    Progress: Working on it.

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      #3
      I don't really know your SO, but judging from what I see here, I'd cut him some slack. It seems like you're very extroverted while he seems fairly introverted. Maybe take him to hang out with one of your friends at a time? Not everyone enjoys being around tons of people and I can see how 2-6 people could be overwhelming. I'd feel like you just threw me in some petting zoo to be gawked at. I'd do it for my SO and pretend to be happy, but I would haaaate it. If he met them one at a time, in a relaxed atmosphere, I'm sure he'd warm up to them.

      Married: June 9th, 2015

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        #4
        Originally posted by CanadianGirl View Post
        I don't really know your SO, but judging from what I see here, I'd cut him some slack. It seems like you're very extroverted while he seems fairly introverted. Maybe take him to hang out with one of your friends at a time? Not everyone enjoys being around tons of people and I can see how 2-6 people could be overwhelming. I'd feel like you just threw me in some petting zoo to be gawked at. I'd do it for my SO and pretend to be happy, but I would haaaate it. If he met them one at a time, in a relaxed atmosphere, I'm sure he'd warm up to them.
        Yeah we are different.. but in new situations I'm very shy too..but i've been thrown into deep ends with him..and done my best..

        When he met my two neighbours it was relaxed and stuff..and yet it took all the talking/coaxing ..everything i had to get him to meet them.. I felt like a mother trying to get her kid to put his coat on.. it's ridiculous.. Only reason he was up for meeting two of my friends was because one isnt a threat to him..and the other is suicidal (his words btw.. ) it's true ..but that shouldn't be the reason.. He's never said "i'd like to meet your friends"..

        Why is so much grief to get him to understand..apparently he would have been convinced.. why should i convince him? It's like he doesn't see them as important because they aren't going to be apart of his life in the future.

        Thank you for replying.. I just really needed to vent.

        Comment

          #5
          I would sit him down and explain to him that you understand this is not something he prefers to do but that it is extremely important to you. I would not tell him he had to go, or that would make for an interesting mood from him while socializing, I would ask firmly. I would express that I was willing to do things for him that I did not prefer to do too, and perhaps offer one up, like a trip to a sports event or band you don't like. Couples need to compromise and this is just another example of a chance to grow together as a couple by doing so. This is not a thing to go to battle over but a thing to learn from.

          I would also suggest when he meets these friends do it as a game or event of some kind. I am extroverted but when I go to meet a bunch of people I don't know I prefer to do it over bowling or playing cards and/or board games then just standing/sitting around and making awkward conversations for a few hours. The worst thing is sitting down to a meal with people I don't know. Then I just am worried i am not spitting food out as I speak or have something on my teeth. Maybe that is just me, lol.

          I hope it works out for the best for you, please keep us updated.
          Last edited by Hollandia; February 5, 2014, 09:19 AM.
          "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
          Benjamin Franklin

          Comment

            #6
            I went through something very similar in a CD relationship. In four years... there are still people in my life that he never met. Even though I do not see them often there are people such as a friend I have had since I was five, who he never met. It was not the reason for the the relationship ending but it was a symptom. There were adventures missed out on because of his personality clashing with mine. For us, it was just too much of a struggle between him being satisfied with seeing the world on a screen and me wanting to touch it.
            But I know plenty of couples who are social polar opposites and make it work, it's all about compromise. So speak to him, make him understand how this feels for us and that it is a serious matter. I hope it all works out!

            Met in July 2006
            Dated very briefly in November 2006
            Reconnected in July 2011
            Something changed in August 2013
            He visited in November 2013
            I traveled in November 2013
            I visit in February 2014

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              #7
              Some people need to be forced to their luck.
              I didn't want to meet any of my man's friends. Mostly because I am very shy and am always scared I could say something that they might minsunderstand because of the slight language barrier. He simply arranged meetings and took me with him and I am glad he did. I love his friends! I feel stupid for being so shy and not wanting to in hindsight, they are nice people and very close to him.

              Some people just need a kick in their butt so to speak.

              Relationship began: 05/22/2012
              First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
              Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
              Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
              Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
              Married: 1/24/2015
              Became Resident: 9/14/2015

              Comment

                #8
                Sorry you're having this problem and it's becoming a serious issue, it seems, in your relationship. I hope things get better and y'all find a way to work it all out. It does sound like he's very introverted and I can relate to that (hanging out with 6 people I don't know sounds absolutely terrifying, but I've hung out with more than that for my SO's sake), but I hope he gets over himself. Good luck!

                ETA: I see most posts are suggesting ultimatums or sort of a kick forward or something. I know you're not asking advice but is there a meeting place he'd be more comfortable at? Like... could they all come over to your house and that way he would know his surroundings and perhaps even be able to escape for a few minutes every now and then to regain his energy? I know there was a situation when I first met some of my SO's friends where we went to his friend's house and it was a group of about 8 people I hadn't met before and it was one of the most jarring situations I've had in meeting his friends. I kept using the excuse I needed to go to the bathroom and hiding in there for a few minutes at a time because all the chaos just did not go over well with me. To make things worse, I didn't know how to participate in the game they were playing and they didn't bother teaching me, so I mainly just stood around and watched and listened with the occasional encouragement from my SO to jump into conversation.

                I guess what I'm saying with that is if he's uncomfortable going out to meet someone see if you can bring them to your place, somewhere he's a little more comfortable, and do something all-inclusive. I saw that suggested above as well. Card games are good, but nothing where you have to talk and explain things (like Apples to Apples or whatever). Games that everyone knows how to play and requires little explanation are best. If he has an activity he likes that can be done socially it might be good to incorporate that if you could. Then again, if the get together is not centered around the idea of your friends meeting him and is, instead, just about getting together it might be harder for him. Friends tend to talk on and on about things that happened forever ago. They also tend to get into conversations outsiders can't really break into, whether they realize it or not. And unless your SO has the kind of confidence mine does (which is to break into a conversation with something random, derail it, and make everyone laugh) he'll feel uncomfortable being unable to participate in anything and just sitting awkwardly to the side watching everything happen.

                I don't know if that helped, but whether it did or not, I hope y'all come to the best outcome for you. None of us know what's best for you and him.
                Last edited by folclor; February 5, 2014, 12:20 PM.

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                  #9
                  One of my best friends has/ had (who knows) a "boyfriend" like that! He never ever wanted/ wants to meet us (our group of friends, his "girlfriends" best friends) and for that (and some other reasons) we got to kind of dislike him!
                  We had lots and lots of talk about that topic, and for me, it is important, very important, that my bf meets and knows (and likes, gets along) with my friends! and of course, also, that I get along/ meet his friends!

                  I never liked the friends of my Ex :P I love the friends of my bf!

                  You need to tell him and make him see your point! Good luck!


                  Comment

                    #10
                    Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and advise.. I had a vent and a nap and feeling better.

                    In regards to letting him meet my friends in a better environment: That's why I chose their house over mine so that we can leave as soon as he's had enough.. He wouldn't want to bowl or anything or eat in front of them (which i understand that part). At my friends house they play Smash Bro's.. so thought he'd quite enjoy that. But perhaps I'll rethink it.

                    I had to really coax him into meeting my neighbours and he was fine after.. (i remember trying to hug him after we left and he said he didnt need rewarding he wasn't a child...yet he acted like one trying to get him to meet them in the first place.)... but it's frustrating when he's not at least a little willing.. Apparently he wants to meet them now..after i got upset..Sometimes it seems like i have to beg and plead to get him to do anything that i want to do that means something to me.

                    *sigh*

                    Thank you everyone for your advice and comments

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