unsure what to do :(

[queenb86]

Hi, some of you will have seen an earlier post of mine. Ive been in a long distance relationship for nearly 9 months, im in the UK and my partner is in Canada. We knew each other as friends before we agreed to start a long distance relationship, and have already faced a lot of problems and got through them all. Hes the most special person to ever walk into my life, ive never known anyone like him or had anyone be able to make me feel the way he does despite the distance. We are both finding the distance really hard to cope with. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and this is my first LDR, my partner doesn't have any children. We haven't met in person, and the problem is we aren't sure when or if we even will. At the moment my partner isn't working, and is about to move, so wont be working anytime soon, and with me having two children its difficult to save up the money needed to travel such a long way. He's a massive part of my life, we talk on Skype everyday, and video chat when we can. We both love each other, but sometimes we just feel like we cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. He isn't sure whether he would want to move here, and for me to move to there with two children would not be easy either. Sometimes I feel like im setting myself up to be hurt, and struggle to deal with our relationship. My OH is adamant he loves me, so we always have that, but is it enough? I cant walk away from him because I love him so much, and find myself clinging to any slight bit of hope, but with everything so uncertain I really don't know what to do

[maja]

I get that you are feeling insecure with this, but from my own experience it sometimes takes some time into a relationship to make semi-definite plans for closing the distance, especially given a lot of things in his life are changing at the moment.
Maybe you will feel more secure once you guys have met in person?
Me and my ex had to wait a 1.5 years till we met in person, but once we did things felt much more "real" and we did make plans for closing the distance (the reason we broke up was his lying, cheating a**, not the distance), I would imagine you have to find your rhythm etc.
Also, keep in mind that whenever you love someone and enter a relationship you make yourself vulnerable and risk being hurt. You just have to trust that you won't be.
I really believe you should focus on meeting first, then think about the future. What if you don't feel the spark in person? What if your kids don't get along with him? What if there's too many habits of his you cannot tolerate?
I'm not trying to scare you, but I feel you are moving to fast in your head and putting all your hopes in the future instead of focussing on the now.
Most importantly, I think you should really discuss this with him! Tell him about your fears and try and work it out with him you guys seem to have good communication going, so why not use that?
And finally, try and work on organising a visit together, even if it is a while away, I personally always felt a set visit date always made me feel much better. Can you guys try and save up together for one of you visiting? Are there any ways to find cheaper ways to get there (specific days, special offers etc.)? I think there are sites which alert you when a specific connection is extra cheap etc. (some of the inter-continentals might have better info here)

I hope this helped a little Good luck!

[queenb86]

I get that you are feeling insecure with this, but from my own experience it sometimes takes some time into a relationship to make semi-definite plans for closing the distance, especially given a lot of things in his life are changing at the moment.
Maybe you will feel more secure once you guys have met in person?
Me and my ex had to wait a 1.5 years till we met in person, but once we did things felt much more "real" and we did make plans for closing the distance (the reason we broke up was his lying, cheating a**, not the distance), I would imagine you have to find your rhythm etc.
Also, keep in mind that whenever you love someone and enter a relationship you make yourself vulnerable and risk being hurt. You just have to trust that you won't be.
I really believe you should focus on meeting first, then think about the future. What if you don't feel the spark in person? What if your kids don't get along with him? What if there's too many habits of his you cannot tolerate?
I'm not trying to scare you, but I feel you are moving to fast in your head and putting all your hopes in the future instead of focussing on the now.
Most importantly, I think you should really discuss this with him! Tell him about your fears and try and work it out with him you guys seem to have good communication going, so why not use that?
And finally, try and work on organising a visit together, even if it is a while away, I personally always felt a set visit date always made me feel much better. Can you guys try and save up together for one of you visiting? Are there any ways to find cheaper ways to get there (specific days, special offers etc.)? I think there are sites which alert you when a specific connection is extra cheap etc. (some of the inter-continentals might have better info here)

I hope this helped a little Good luck!

hi hun thanks for the reply. Yeah we have already talked about it, and agreed that instead of setting a date to meet, we would just take one day at a time and see what happens. we both agreed that we were thinkin too far ahead and putting too much pressure on the relationship. Joint saving for one of us to visit is a good idea though, I will suggest this to him I guess I need to deal with my own demons as far as getting hurt is concerned, and just slow things down a bit. x

[piratemama]

I understand the uncertainty. It would help to know what and when, but it doesn't work that way. I am in the same boat, but I'm beginning to accept that the time apart has been good in some ways. I'm also working on patience and trust more. It's times like this that you have to talk to yourself. It requires effort to trust and to relax. Don't let negative thoughts enter your mind, unless you have a good reason. Enjoy each day for what it offers. It will work out, but it does take time.

[Dezface]

I'm echoing what maja said, but you should really work at meeting in person. That's the only way you'll really know if the relationship is worth pursuing. It's good to take things slowly, but in an international LDR, we don't always have that luxury. Some do, some don't. I would also recommend he visit you to see if he thinks he might like living there, and meet your kids, etc...That way if you only get one visit in for the time being, you know where you stand. Because even if you visit him and you get along fabulously, it may not translate to the reality of being together. I know money is an issue, it is for most of us. But if you can start putting a plan in place to make that happen, I think it will help tremendously

[OperaDiva]

Love the way piratemama put it there are some good souls on this forum!

queenb86, I don't know if this would help, but if I were you I would sit down and do some researching (then again, I am in academia so it might not work for everyone) - how much do tickets cost, on and off seasons, etc. Having a budget might make things clearer for you and once your planning brain starts working then maybe at least part of the uncertainty will vanish. Good luck!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hi, some of you will have seen an earlier post of mine. Ive been in a long distance relationship for nearly 9 months, im in the UK and my partner is in Canada. We knew each other as friends before we agreed to start a long distance relationship, and have already faced a lot of problems and got through them all. Hes the most special person to ever walk into my life, ive never known anyone like him or had anyone be able to make me feel the way he does despite the distance. We are both finding the distance really hard to cope with. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and this is my first LDR, my partner doesn't have any children. We haven't met in person, and the problem is we aren't sure when or if we even will. At the moment my partner isn't working, and is about to move, so wont be working anytime soon, and with me having two children its difficult to save up the money needed to travel such a long way. He's a massive part of my life, we talk on Skype everyday, and video chat when we can. We both love each other, but sometimes we just feel like we cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. He isn't sure whether he would want to move here, and for me to move to there with two children would not be easy either. Sometimes I feel like im setting myself up to be hurt, and struggle to deal with our relationship. My OH is adamant he loves me, so we always have that, but is it enough? I cant walk away from him because I love him so much, and find myself clinging to any slight bit of hope, but with everything so uncertain I really don't know what to do

Well, it's been almost 4 years for us, and no plans or goals because of finances and family issues. I have pushed and pressured him in the past, but that just upsets both of us. We don't have a clue when/if we will be able to get together. So we just take it a day at a time, and enjoy each other and what we have NOW. As he says, stay with me in the NOW, enjoy me now, enjoy what we have, and stop worrying about the future. We don't know the future. We'll see what happens. Whatever happens happens. Under the circumstances, he is right, but I do get impatient sometimes.

We seem to be headed for a long-term LDR, which is doable. We sometimes joke about how this might become the longest-running LDR in Internet history.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I understand the uncertainty. It would help to know what and when, but it doesn't work that way. I am in the same boat, but I'm beginning to accept that the time apart has been good in some ways. I'm also working on patience and trust more. It's times like this that you have to talk to yourself. It requires effort to trust and to relax. Don't let negative thoughts enter your mind, unless you have a good reason. Enjoy each day for what it offers. It will work out, but it does take time.

How true! And it doesn't help to push and pressure him. He has no more control over the future than I do. All we can do is take it a day at a time. It takes patience and trust, and staying positive.

[queenb86]

Hi, thanks everyone for the replies you have all been really helpful. I had had a talk with my SO about this last night and this morning. We both agreed that we are willing to put in the hard work and accept that this could be a long term LDR atleast for the time being. We also agreed that in april once he has moved and is settled and has a job that we will jointly save up for him to come and visit some time this year for definite which eased my mind a lot. I think ive accepted the fact that as much as I want everything yesterday (im impatient sometimes) this cant happen. Hes a massive part of my life, im convinced that hes my soulmate, and tbh id rather have what we have right now, and wait to be together properly than have nothing at all. We love each other, we are there for each other, some people don't have anyone so I guess we are still really lucky to be a part of each others lives