Another Year Added :(

[DC2London]

Hello All!

I am new to this board, but I thought it would be good to get some insight from people going through LDR, always nice to know there are other people out there who have the same successes and hardships. Here is my recent issue:

I'm in DC, he's in London, it's been 1.5 years since we started this. Met in London, was only there for a semester. Now, we had agreed that he would come to DC after he graduated (this year) and he recently told me he is staying another year to get a Masters. I know for a fact that jobs look more at work experience than education (I've worked at career centers over the summer). As I am supportive of what he wants to do, am I wrong to be upset about this? It has completely changed our plans and he's still saying he's worried about finding something over here after he graduates next year (2015). Is this a huge red flag? I am not sure what to do about all these changes. What you must know about him is he is insanely sweet and patient but overly sensitive and quite introverted. He does debate at school and doesn't go out much at all. I, on the other hand am very extroverted and am always out and about but can be annoyed easily and like to stick to plans. Very open to any thoughts right now. Any people with similar situations? Thanks

~Rosie~

[ethelynn]

Welcome to the forum!

His education and career plans are more important. He should definitely follow his path. I would be dissapointed about having to spend another year apart, but I'd support his education choices, because it's him working towards what he wants to do in life. Moving continents is a big step itself and so is getting a job after finishing university. It's natural to be nervous about it all. I wouldn't think of it as a red flag.

[NerdyChick]

When you two close the distance is it just going to be done on a work visa or will you go the fiance/spousal visa route? Because if it's just going to be the work visa I'd saying going for the Masters is a smart idea, I mean the US isn't exactly reaching to pull people in to work from other countries, you have to get sponsored by a company willing to file the paper work and front the money for your employment and work visa in the states. A Masters looks good, plus in the states it allows you to earn more. And if it's only going to set you back one more year, it may be worth it in the long run? I understand that the idea of one more year may be painful, but a Masters would help him if he is going to attempt to find work in the US from London. Has he tried looking into that? What jobs would be available in you're area that would be willing to file for his work visa? My SO is 2 years from graduating Uni (he's doing a year in industry) he'll have an equivalent of a Bachelors in Computer Science when he's done, but we both know that the chance of him finding work here with that is almost none, not a lot of companies willing to do that, so we will have to go the fiance/spousal route in about 3+ years. I would just say seriously consider all the options long-term and short-term. I would not consider this a red flag at all, I would consider this a sign you're dating a mature guy who is thinking about the long term rather than just the short term. Maybe look at it as him working towards a better life with you, rather than just how it'll be one more year of separation? That's how I look at it when it comes to my SO and his schooling/career decisions, it just goes towards a better more stable life for us in the future.

[squeeker]

I don't think you should see it as a red flag but rather helping him gain more qualifications to better help him get a job he really loves and that can potentially pay more than one he could get before. I know my boyfriend would love to do a Masters or PhD sometime, it's one of his dreams. I hope he gets to do it, whether it's before or after we close the distance. Because not only would it potentially help him get into some great position, maybe research which he likes, but it would be awesome for his confidence to be able to achieve that because I know he is totally capable.

It is a big step to move continents and he is probably seeing this as a way to help you guys out even more, because maybe having a Masters in his field is better than just a Bachelors degree. Also if you stop him from pursuing that, he might feel like you are squashing his dreams.. and if he is the one to move to you, you have to be supportive that he is willing to move to be in the same country as you! That is a big step. It's scarier the closer it gets.. though will be worth it.. but still.. I don't think it's a red flag that he wants to get his Masters first. Plus, another year is not actually that bad. I mean.. I know that I got upset in the past because my boyfriend and I would have a plan to close the distance but then we'd read something else or realize something, something would happen, and we couldn't do that plan, so I've learned to be flexible. We both went back to university because neither of us had completed a full degree, we hadn't really known our direction until we had been talking for awhile.. though that's just how our paths went. It would be nice to close the distance today but we can't because we don't have much money so we had to go to university to do degrees in fields that hold interest to us so that we will have a better chance of getting a good job in the field we like. We don't just want to close the distance, but we want to do it the slow and steady way.. though that's really the only way we can do it because we are an international couple with low income at the moment.

Anyways sorry for the rant.. but you will know best if he is committed to the relationship or not. Talk to him, communicate your feelings.. let him reassure you why he wants to get his Masters degree and that he still wants to live with you.. even let him voice any fears he might have about closing the distance. Maybe he is scared.. but it doesn't mean he doesn't want to live with you and be near you. Just talk to him and try and be understanding of what he feels like.

[CanadianGirl]

I agree it's not a red flag. My SO and I have been long distance for undergrad, and we're both applying for graduate school this year. That'll tack on 2-3 years. If it's only an extra year and he'll increase his earning potential, he has his priorities straight. For the jobs I want, many, many companies ask for a couple years of experience OR a higher degree. It would be much more costly if he attempted to move internationally, work and then pursue an extra degree after the fact. Have you two looked into the visa process in depth? I think it would be helpful to sort out the visa during the extra year, and you'll be set to have a life together when he graduates.

[milaya]

I'll just say my opinion on this simply...
One year might seem long now, but of he wanted the masters degree and passed it up to go to the US - there's a lot of years to follow where he could regret not getting that masters, instead of just getting that year over with.
It's better to live life with as few regrets as possible.

[Malaga]

Stop being so possessive. He's using the opportunity to invest in his future and your future together. It trumps the fact you don't like having your plans changed. A year may look like a long time when you look at it now, but seriously, it flies by. Use the time to invest in your own development as much as you can. Attend more classes, get a promotion at work, anything you plan to do. Once you close the distance, it will be harder to do so. Touch base with him every now and then about your end goal and keep each other up to date with your plans.

[DC2London]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the great advice, I have talked with a lot of people about this, including my SO. I have found out a big reason why he is fearful of moving here and I had a feeling about it before, because the U.S. is not the place for him. I think he thought it was but after visiting, it became clear. Therefore, plans have changed, and now I will be attempting to go over there next year. It works because I consider London my second home and have always wanted to go. So we talked things out and after I finish my second year at my current job, I will head over there . Everything everyone said made sense and I took it all into account when we last talked.

Also props to people sticking in their relationships for all these years, as I was reading above. The distance is getting to him now where he is quite sad, but we are going to work through it and find new ways to keep it strong (suggestions for any activities if you have any!) x