Ex Worries
Hey everyone I'm newbie! I am so glad I've found this, it's instantly just made me feel so re assured, made me realise I am not alone, and has also given me a lot of inspiration and hope. So thanks!
Sorry if this gets long... I'll try and keep it as short as I can.
Me and my SO met October 2012, and got together in November 2012. He was in my flat in University - UK: he's from the US and was in his second year of Uni doing a year abroad, I was in my first year! We instantly had a connection, and I can only describe us as being inseparable from then on. He was my first serious serious relationship - I'd had a boyfriend in college - but it was nothing - our relationship had only lasted 2 months and we only had sex once - it was quite casual . Before then were just several flirtations and relationships in school so they don't count. So it's fair to say I fell deep with this one. We were seeing each other every day, and obviously living together you have the delight of doing stuff like showering together, cooking together, eating, sleeping... just everything! We became really close. He was my best friend there. My everything! And I was his too. We were like a little family. I think we said our first 'I love you' after about a month of being together, and we said we were going to stay together when he went back next year pretty early on too - although he got in contact with the university in January asking to stay permanently, but there was not enough space. But we had said we wanted a future together - we talked about marriage, kids, just spending our lives together. He initiated the serious conversations, to begin with I was like, is this normal, but it felt right. And it was what I wanted!
At the start of our relationship, we had had the 'ex' talks and experience talks, mainly due to the fact I had said I didn't want to rush into sex as last time I did it went tits up (hence only having sex with my ex once.. he then cheated on me a week later) He told me not to worry, and that he wasn't very experienced either. He told me he'd had two past relationships. The first, he'd only slept with once or twice, the second, no more than two dozen times. He'd also told me about his relationship with his ex when I asked him about past relationships (following him asking me). He told me they'd been together less than a year and he split up with her before he came to England. And said things like, 'oh that was bad....' regarding the breakup- he also told me she had sent him a nasty message on facebook when she saw we were together, because he was in a relationship with me 2 months after they had split, and then deleted him off facebook. He told me they got together before uni and stayed together during uni - she was in Georgia, him in North Carolina. He said they didnt see each other much because of this - and they saw each other when she came back to NC during holidays, he said he went down to see her once. About the relationship in general, he had said they weren't very close or serious, hadn't had much sex, didn't talk about the future much, and I believed this and left it at that.
He had lent me his laptop for the whole year, it was literally almost mine. In may (having been together 6 ish months) we were away with my parents so we had both been using his laptop. When we got back I took the laptop into my room to do some work on it and he had left open a search he had done on his laptop called wallpaper, i clicked on the search results thinking nothing of it, and there were some skype snap shots of his ex, naked, doing all sorts. I went a bit mental to begin with to be honest, and in a massive haze of anger confronted him and shouted at him and called him a liar - at this point the main thought in my head was had kept them because he was still interested in her, and was looking at them. He then explained to me that that wasn't the case, and while we were away my dad had said something which reminded him and worried him that he might have still had that folder, so he did a search but then my dad had asked him to do something before he saw what was on it (which made sense). He explained how it wouldn't have made any sense because I had the laptop all that year and why would he give it to me if he knew they were on there, and that he wouldn't have had a chance to look at them anyway. So i believed him and trusted him. But then i got another thought in my head, he told me they weren't intimate, that they'd barely had any sex, that she was quite shy and witheld, and those pictures contradicted that. So then I told him that, and he said he wasn't lying and it was like that, they hadn't had a lot of sex, but they barely saw each other and that was mainly what there relationship was.. it didn't really make sense to me, and I suddenly doubted everything. It was awful. It also crossed my mind, which I'd never thought about before, whether he had told her they were going to stay together when he went to England, and how he must have cared about her if he had stayed with her long distance at uni.... he told me he couldn't remember what he had told her, but that he wouldn't have ever gone through with it and obviously, he didn't.
Once the seed of doubt was planted, it kept growing, and I had a horrible niggling feeling. I went looking for stuff, really wrongly of me. For me though, i justified it with i'd rather find out if he is a massive liar and if this whole relationship is a lie, and it's not special like i thought it was, before i ended up wasting my time, effort, money, and all these things that went into staying together when he went back in late June - I had said I was going to visit him in July and I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision. I felt like, i would have assumed they had had a lot of sex, cared about each other, etc, because of the facts of their relationship - the length, fact they went long distance etc, but he downplayed it. I felt like he had lied to me deliberately because he didn't want me to find out I was just like her, that it was the same, because obviously there relationship did end. It drove me crazy. And because I was looking for stuff I was finding stuff, finding out they defiantly did have more sex than he said, finding out he'd said the exact same things to her about the future as he had to me, finding out they'd actually been together a year and a half (although theyd broken up 3 times in between) finding out she'd been really close to his mum too (as i was).
We've had several rows about this, serious ones. It got pretty bad and we even kind of broke up, because I just didn't feel special and was constantly asking him how I was different, asking why he lied, asking for the truth, looking for re-assurance, and it pissed him off, understandably so. Looking back now, I realise it was really un fair of me and partly due to the fact it was right before we started our LDR when all this stuff arose. At the same time though I think he should've been honest with me, as it was his dishonesty I feel and not the fact he had for example, had lots of sex with his ex that made me worried (i would've just assumed so) he said he knew i'd think i was the same if he told me these things, and that's why he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. This was quite all quite a long time ago now, and I'm getting better the longer we've been together, and when I think rationally about it. I mean they only dated 4 months before they both went off to uni, at the time he was 17 - he said they split up at the start of uni as it had been agreed when they started dating, they never lived together, and he DIDN'T stay with her when he went to england - he broke up with her at the start of September, and he went to England in October. So in some ways it seems different to our relationship. I accept that everyone has a past and exes, it's just because it feels very much the same scenario and i feel the same as her because they did long distance and he spoke to her about stuff like how many kids she wants etc and therefore i worry it won't be the relationship that doesnt end because its just another one to him. I still sometimes get worries. What if I am the same, and it'll just end after a year and a half, and he'll be with another girl two months later? If this makes sense, I wouldn't have gotten into this if I didn't think it wasn't something permanent, if I didn't want to live with him eventually, I'm scared I'm just another girl to him. We've been doing long distance for a year in June. I've been to visit him once, he came here for Christmas, and i've booked to go see him in April. It will most likely be me moving to the US, we have discussed, because i want to be a teacher so it's probably easier. We have a year (and the rest of this year) left of uni, and intend to be together once we've graduated.
I don't want to bring it up with him when I have these worries, because I feel it's really un fair of him, and knowing how much it pushed our relationship in the past. And it is getting A LOT better. I know how special he is to me, and I know he loves me. It must make him feel pretty shitty when I make out that he doesn't or that I'm just another relationship to him if I actually am not.
I don't really know what I'm looking for here - has anyone else had this kind of problem? Any advice on what I should think when I get these bad thoughts? Do you guys think he'd be doing USA to UK if i wasn't special?
We're really really close and I've told him stuff I've never told anyone, and he has to me too. We do everything together and are really comfortable around one another, like some people may find it gross. We make each other laugh every day. He is my best friend. I look to him for advice. We can cuddle for hours and hours just listening to music and be so happy. I really love him and see a future with him.
Sorry again if this is long...
Lots of Love!
Sorry if this gets long... I'll try and keep it as short as I can.
Me and my SO met October 2012, and got together in November 2012. He was in my flat in University - UK: he's from the US and was in his second year of Uni doing a year abroad, I was in my first year! We instantly had a connection, and I can only describe us as being inseparable from then on. He was my first serious serious relationship - I'd had a boyfriend in college - but it was nothing - our relationship had only lasted 2 months and we only had sex once - it was quite casual . Before then were just several flirtations and relationships in school so they don't count. So it's fair to say I fell deep with this one. We were seeing each other every day, and obviously living together you have the delight of doing stuff like showering together, cooking together, eating, sleeping... just everything! We became really close. He was my best friend there. My everything! And I was his too. We were like a little family. I think we said our first 'I love you' after about a month of being together, and we said we were going to stay together when he went back next year pretty early on too - although he got in contact with the university in January asking to stay permanently, but there was not enough space. But we had said we wanted a future together - we talked about marriage, kids, just spending our lives together. He initiated the serious conversations, to begin with I was like, is this normal, but it felt right. And it was what I wanted!
At the start of our relationship, we had had the 'ex' talks and experience talks, mainly due to the fact I had said I didn't want to rush into sex as last time I did it went tits up (hence only having sex with my ex once.. he then cheated on me a week later) He told me not to worry, and that he wasn't very experienced either. He told me he'd had two past relationships. The first, he'd only slept with once or twice, the second, no more than two dozen times. He'd also told me about his relationship with his ex when I asked him about past relationships (following him asking me). He told me they'd been together less than a year and he split up with her before he came to England. And said things like, 'oh that was bad....' regarding the breakup- he also told me she had sent him a nasty message on facebook when she saw we were together, because he was in a relationship with me 2 months after they had split, and then deleted him off facebook. He told me they got together before uni and stayed together during uni - she was in Georgia, him in North Carolina. He said they didnt see each other much because of this - and they saw each other when she came back to NC during holidays, he said he went down to see her once. About the relationship in general, he had said they weren't very close or serious, hadn't had much sex, didn't talk about the future much, and I believed this and left it at that.
He had lent me his laptop for the whole year, it was literally almost mine. In may (having been together 6 ish months) we were away with my parents so we had both been using his laptop. When we got back I took the laptop into my room to do some work on it and he had left open a search he had done on his laptop called wallpaper, i clicked on the search results thinking nothing of it, and there were some skype snap shots of his ex, naked, doing all sorts. I went a bit mental to begin with to be honest, and in a massive haze of anger confronted him and shouted at him and called him a liar - at this point the main thought in my head was had kept them because he was still interested in her, and was looking at them. He then explained to me that that wasn't the case, and while we were away my dad had said something which reminded him and worried him that he might have still had that folder, so he did a search but then my dad had asked him to do something before he saw what was on it (which made sense). He explained how it wouldn't have made any sense because I had the laptop all that year and why would he give it to me if he knew they were on there, and that he wouldn't have had a chance to look at them anyway. So i believed him and trusted him. But then i got another thought in my head, he told me they weren't intimate, that they'd barely had any sex, that she was quite shy and witheld, and those pictures contradicted that. So then I told him that, and he said he wasn't lying and it was like that, they hadn't had a lot of sex, but they barely saw each other and that was mainly what there relationship was.. it didn't really make sense to me, and I suddenly doubted everything. It was awful. It also crossed my mind, which I'd never thought about before, whether he had told her they were going to stay together when he went to England, and how he must have cared about her if he had stayed with her long distance at uni.... he told me he couldn't remember what he had told her, but that he wouldn't have ever gone through with it and obviously, he didn't.
Once the seed of doubt was planted, it kept growing, and I had a horrible niggling feeling. I went looking for stuff, really wrongly of me. For me though, i justified it with i'd rather find out if he is a massive liar and if this whole relationship is a lie, and it's not special like i thought it was, before i ended up wasting my time, effort, money, and all these things that went into staying together when he went back in late June - I had said I was going to visit him in July and I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision. I felt like, i would have assumed they had had a lot of sex, cared about each other, etc, because of the facts of their relationship - the length, fact they went long distance etc, but he downplayed it. I felt like he had lied to me deliberately because he didn't want me to find out I was just like her, that it was the same, because obviously there relationship did end. It drove me crazy. And because I was looking for stuff I was finding stuff, finding out they defiantly did have more sex than he said, finding out he'd said the exact same things to her about the future as he had to me, finding out they'd actually been together a year and a half (although theyd broken up 3 times in between) finding out she'd been really close to his mum too (as i was).
We've had several rows about this, serious ones. It got pretty bad and we even kind of broke up, because I just didn't feel special and was constantly asking him how I was different, asking why he lied, asking for the truth, looking for re-assurance, and it pissed him off, understandably so. Looking back now, I realise it was really un fair of me and partly due to the fact it was right before we started our LDR when all this stuff arose. At the same time though I think he should've been honest with me, as it was his dishonesty I feel and not the fact he had for example, had lots of sex with his ex that made me worried (i would've just assumed so) he said he knew i'd think i was the same if he told me these things, and that's why he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. This was quite all quite a long time ago now, and I'm getting better the longer we've been together, and when I think rationally about it. I mean they only dated 4 months before they both went off to uni, at the time he was 17 - he said they split up at the start of uni as it had been agreed when they started dating, they never lived together, and he DIDN'T stay with her when he went to england - he broke up with her at the start of September, and he went to England in October. So in some ways it seems different to our relationship. I accept that everyone has a past and exes, it's just because it feels very much the same scenario and i feel the same as her because they did long distance and he spoke to her about stuff like how many kids she wants etc and therefore i worry it won't be the relationship that doesnt end because its just another one to him. I still sometimes get worries. What if I am the same, and it'll just end after a year and a half, and he'll be with another girl two months later? If this makes sense, I wouldn't have gotten into this if I didn't think it wasn't something permanent, if I didn't want to live with him eventually, I'm scared I'm just another girl to him. We've been doing long distance for a year in June. I've been to visit him once, he came here for Christmas, and i've booked to go see him in April. It will most likely be me moving to the US, we have discussed, because i want to be a teacher so it's probably easier. We have a year (and the rest of this year) left of uni, and intend to be together once we've graduated.
I don't want to bring it up with him when I have these worries, because I feel it's really un fair of him, and knowing how much it pushed our relationship in the past. And it is getting A LOT better. I know how special he is to me, and I know he loves me. It must make him feel pretty shitty when I make out that he doesn't or that I'm just another relationship to him if I actually am not.
I don't really know what I'm looking for here - has anyone else had this kind of problem? Any advice on what I should think when I get these bad thoughts? Do you guys think he'd be doing USA to UK if i wasn't special?
We're really really close and I've told him stuff I've never told anyone, and he has to me too. We do everything together and are really comfortable around one another, like some people may find it gross. We make each other laugh every day. He is my best friend. I look to him for advice. We can cuddle for hours and hours just listening to music and be so happy. I really love him and see a future with him.
Sorry again if this is long...
Lots of Love!
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