Alone time for gaming

[Agathiel]

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry that my first post belongs to the "I need help" category, but I am really in need of some advice. I promise to become more active participant of Lfad forum, instead of being only a passive reader.

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My bf and I met in an online game. We are both gamers. We have been together for over half a year. Since a few months, our schedules allow us to sit at home and we both have plenty of time. The problem is that we have different view on spending time together.

I am an only child, I am charging my inner "batteries" while being alone at least some time of the day. He, on the other hand, gets bored easily and constantly seeks company. While he accepts the fact that I want to read a book or watch something during the day, he doesn't understand that, sometimes, even though I'm on PC, I want to do something alone, including gaming.

As I said before, we have a lot of time currently, so we chat on Skype, play, and watch stuff EVERY DAY for 4-5 hours(!), during the evenings/nights. Still, when he knows that I am playing something, he wants to do it with me all the time, without even asking. And I just can't handle spending 10 hours a day together. I love him, but it's really too much for my standards. We're together, but still we're two separate beings... Additionally, he is a person who loves giving advices how to play best some character, how to choose best strategy and sometimes I just don't want to hear it all the time, I want to relax and play alone...

So I admit that sometimes I play "secretly" and don't mention it, but it makes me feel bad, because I want to be open about everything and also I don't feel I should be hiding this. I feel like a child hiding something from parents which is funny when I'm 26 years old. :/

When I confronted him about this once (actually he started an argument about it), it ended with him saying: "Ok, do whatever you want", as if it was such a tragedy. He felt angry and rejected, he said he is devoting most of the time for me, which was probably supposed to make me feel more guilty.

Once, when he got to know that I was playing a particular game, he became angry that I didn't tell him earlier. I wasn't hiding it, I just didn't mention before because he hates this genre of games and he particularly mentioned he wont play this one! But, he BOUGHT it instantly next day and said that he wants to play it. Since that time, he is online in it whenever I am online... As a result, after some time, I started to play another game. Guess what? He is considering buying it and I'm pretty sure he will even though we play other games together! It makes me feel controlled in a way...

In my opinion, I spend a lot of time with him, I don't think couples usually have so much time for each other. He knows that I will be there for him every day in the evening. Yet, it seems not enough...

There are no easy ways of telling someone that we need something of our own... It seems obvious for me but it's not for him. I think I'm too confused to have clear perspective on this issue also because I had already been in some complicated relationships before. Could someone comment on this situation, please? Thank you very much for reading.

[differentcountries]

Seems to me you are an introvert while he is extrovert. You process being social and charming your batteries in different ways. Best to discuss ways of dealing with that early on.

[Zephii]

It's tricky, but all you can do really is talk about it again - not when you're about to go, and not when either of you are upset - but talk about it. It's perfectly normal to want your own space within a relationship and that's what you need to focus on, needing your own space. Say "I need my own space to have leisure time" not "You need to let me play games alone". Of course they mean the same thing, but any statement starting with "You" tends to feel like an attack, so pay careful attention to how you word things.

Besides that, there are plenty of games you can be playing at the same time where you're not actually playing together. Does it matter if he's online at the same time, as long as you're not talking or interacting in the world together? Can you just say "I'm playing this game alone, so if you buy it, know I'm still not interested in playing it with you. We have <insert titles> to beat together"? I find being direct is the best course.

Both Obi and I game as well, and even if we're not playing together, he likes to give tips and stuff too. Sometimes I'm alright with that, most of the time I tell him to can it. They mean well, just remind him you love him but are going to play your own way regardless.

[snow]

I second Zephii. You will have to talk about this again. I think you will have to explain that you sometimes need to play on your own and that it doesn't mean that you don't like playing with him, but it is your way of relaxing. You can always suggest playing something together later, after you played on your own for a bit. Your reason why you want to play on your own is not offensive towards him and I think if you tell him and explain it to him, he should be able to understand.

[nottheprincesspeach]

What everyone else is saying is dead on. Talking about needs is most important. And finding a balance between self and the relationship is especially hard in an LDR. I also recommend talking to your SO about perhaps finding other people to help fill that need he has for comfort. It is unfair for any person to expect their SO to fulfill all of those needs especially in an LDR.

[Agathiel]

Thank you very much for your responses.

All of you are right about the importance of discussing things in the relationship. It seems an obvious thing to do, but sometimes it may be difficult when another person is not eager to calmly discuss things. I waited to give you some feedback on the whole thing, how it went, and unfortunately I must say that I am very disappointed with my bf's attitude.
As I predicted, not only he had bought the game that I started to play, but also something very worrying me happened. I have a "red alert" in my head since this event.

We both played a game in which a person from the friend list can easily join an ongoing game of another friend. We were skyping and having fun. Suddenly. a colleague of mine casually joined us asking if he can help in leveling the character of my bf, so I said that he is welcome as it's a cooperative game. I didn't see it as a problem. My bf didn't reply anything. Two minutes later, he stopped talking to me on skype and when I asked what was going on, he said something like: "I don't want him here" in a very angry tone. I was surprised with the way he reacted. I said: "He is my friend from uni, he just wants to help". He didn't reply anything. 10 minutes later, he said that he is quitting game and that "he told me to do something about this guy" and than he hung up without even giving me the possibility to say even one word. I understand that he could have been not in the mood for playing with other person, but what worried me most was the way of manifesting it. I also don't understand the whole reaction as the game is designed for many people and sometimes others can casually join and leave 10 mins later or an hour later... The fact that a friend was playing with us didn't disturb our gameplay and certainly didn't disturb our private conversation on Skype. I believe that he was angry because the friend was male and that he doesn't have me exclusively. I couldn't get any explanation for obvious reason. I've felt extremely upset since this event and I am wondering if this relationship has healthy foundation at all.

[nottheprincesspeach]

A general rule of thumb for relationships is if it feels inappropriate, or you feel manipulated, etc, it is probably unhealthy. It appears your boyfriend has a classic problem of inappropriate communication. Yet again, I would try discussing these things with him, but there are times communication can only go so far when the other person won't attempt to work with you. Hanging up is a big no no in an LDR in my opinion unless you are just taking time to cool off, and if that is they case you should indicate that prior to ending the call.

[Agathiel]

I feel very uncomfortable, so you are right, there must be this unhealthy element.

He didn't indicate that he is taking time to cool off. Moreover, the whole situation happened yesterday in the afternoon, he logged out, but after one hour he logged in and played without me (so he had a chance to write to me in game again, but hadn't) and now the whole day almost passed (it's 8 p.m. in my time zone) and I've heard nothing from him. I believe that if someone hungs up, it's their turn to start a conversation again and explain his behavior. Besides, I don't feel like texting him if it's going to result in another angry reaction and him being rude.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I don't blame you for avoiding another angry reaction, but if you want this to get resolved it may require reaching out. I would explain to him how I was feeling and what my concerns were and what I need. My SO tends to respond to this well, but some of my ex's haven't. Telling him specifically how I feel and what I need gives him an idea of a way to make things better. On the other hand, time separate gives you time to think.

[differentcountries]

It would be fair if the person doing something made amenze for it, but to my experience it is better that the person with the coolest head takes the initative. Anyway, he has already explained himself: he is feeling jealous and also he feels alone in this feeling. Even if he is not justified in his jealousy, you may still need to work on it together.

I find the most interesting thing about Non Violent Communication is that it talks about needs versus strategies to fill those needs. We all want things like closeness, autonomy, love, friendship etc, but our different strategies to fill those needs is what might contradict each other. It is important that you don't adress him as NEEDy. Needs are what we all have. But some of his strategies to fill those needs may not be working well in the relationship. He may want closeness, but he ends up with bitterness while you are confused (or: in need of clarity or understanding, as it is called in NVC speak). Sorry, he is totally emerged in himself , going off to jealousy land, and you will have to be the one to sort it out. He may thank you later.

The full list is here: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

[snow]

It looks to me that he is extemely proud of his gamer girlfriend and wants to play with you a lot. And with you means, with YOU and not anyone else. It almost seems like they are dates to him, so that's probably why he acted this way.

No advice, sadly, just trying to see it from his point of view

[ethelynn]

Some people don't know how to properly communicate their feelings. Maybe he is feeling left out or rejected by you wanting to play alone or even jealous if you play with other people (including maybe that guy from uni), feeling like you prefer playing with that guy and others over him. Feeling insecure or rejected can create quite strong reaction, especially if he is not good at talking about his feelings and has a lot of free time and is easily bored.

He might need time to cool off or think, but I don't think you should stay away, that isn't healthy either. I'd contact him, not accuse him, but just ask him how he is and what made him react that strongly to what happened, to make him feel comfortable to share his feeling and not feel defensive. You see it strictly from your point of you, try to see it from his and find some compromises that suit both of you

[Agathiel]

Thank you very much for your insight again. You have no idea how your posts make me look at the whole situation more rationally.

Differentcountries, thanks for the needs inventory. I read it carefully and it helped me in calming down my emotions and thinking more rationally about my needs and how to work out some compromise so that I can fulfill needs of my bf as well.

Jealousy was the key thing in whole situation indeed.

Snow, you are also right, it turned out he was treating our game as a date for only 2 people, an intimate meeting.

Ethelynn, I concentrated on understanding his point of view, presenting mine and offered a compromise.

But...I't didnt work in my opinion.

In the beginning, the conversation was full of emotions, we were venting off a bit, I admit, but then I remembered about the advices for wise discussion that won't include two raging kids. So I can proudly say I was piloting the conversation and he was raging from time to time, but I didn't yield to temptation to respond in the same way.

I offered him a solution in which I can have one and only one game that I can play alone a bit or with a person of my choice during the day. He refused to accept this, moreover he said that I can't play with anyone else but him UNTIL he sorts his jealousy issues. (The problem is that mostly guys play games so I have some of them on my friend lists there). I asked him how he plans to deal with me playing with others if i won't do it at all. He couldn't give me any answer. I think that's the solution for him, to forbid me something and be happy that I don't do what he has issues with. I asked him what compromise he offers in exchange. He said that it's already a compromise because he is willing to change and he will allow me to play with others when he changes. I asked what time frame he plans for it. He said none.

I believe that this is very very unhealthy way of putting things.

I tried to explain to him that I am not a posession that someone can take. And he said that he doesn't know it. I can also add here that some time ago he had difficulty with coping with the fact that i had a few boyfriends before him and he said that "everyone could have me". He apologized and i forgave him this but when I add it to this event with gameplay and our conversation today I am very worried.

Could you please tell me if it really seems unhealthy or I am just not trying to work his traumas with him? Now I feel even more uncomfortable than when I wrote the first post in this thread.

[ethelynn]

His way of dealing wasn't just forbid you, it was him asking you to stop until he works out his issues with jealousy. That is all anyone can do and you can't really ask for timeframe with it. The recent event probably made it worse for now. It could be that you letting people play with you during what he thought was a date, hurt him and made this problem bigger. It's only fair to give him some time to calm down. No one can change overnight. Give him time to work on it if you really want him to be calmer about it and not just ignore the problem. It would be unhealthy only if he refused to do anything, but it seems he is willing to work on it, he just needs your help to get there faster, because you keep doing what you are, is going to make him constantly jealous and mad at times. But if you give him time and show him he matter to you by not doing it for some time, he can get the feeling of being important to you and he will relax. I've had issues like this and I find it to be the best way. As long as during that time he actually tries to work out his issues. Maybe if you'd say that you don't want to play with anyone? He seems to be jealous if you choose to play with another guy over him, then that could be the compromise for now and then after a while, step by step going back into it. Jealousy and insecurity issues aren't something you can't just get over, it takes understanding from your partner. To a certain extent of course, if he isn't actually sorting the issue out for himself, then is another story.

[OrKing]

I definitely understand the need/want to play alone. In the two years I have had Xbox Live I've almost constantly 'Appeared Offline." I just prefer to play alone, occasionally playing with a couple of friends but personally I find it kind of draining constantly being contacted and asked to play. After even a couple of hours playing online I tend to have at least a few days gaming solo. For that reason I'm definitely more biased towards your side of the argument. Even reading some of that made me feel suffocated; I couldn't imagine not being able to get any alone time in the one place I know I can always be alone and recharge my introvert batteries so to speak. I don't know, I get being jealous, I'm not immune to it myself, but it seems kind of unreasonable to only want you to play with him, and the whole buying games he doesn't even like just so he can play them with you thing kind of creeped me out. I don't know, my SO isn't a gamer, at least not in the typical sense so I get all the alone time I want/need. Guess that makes me kind of spoiled in this case. I do get him being jealous over thinking you would prefer to play with a dude other than him, but other than that I don't relate. I can't see an issue with it, jealous or not. Anyway, I'm aware this doesn't help you at all, so sorry about that, but I can relate to the gaming alone thing so typed up a post anyway.