Alone time for gaming

[applescruff]

This sounds a lot like my bf and I. We're both gamers (we met through a game), and every time we are both online we chat or play something together. There are lots of times though that I would like to play a game on my own. I feel like I have such a huge backlog of games I want to play but they are only for one player. We used to spend almost every day together for a few hours, and at least 8 hours a day on weekends. That to me was just too much. When I'd say that I wanted some time to myself, he took it as if I was rejecting him because I didn't want to spend all my free time with him. He would make comments to me like 'games take priority over him' and such which made me feel guilty. I had to explain that this was not the case, that I am a major introvert and need alone time once in awhile to do whatever, whether it be games or not. It took a couple attempts to explain this to him, and things have improved, but are still not how I'd like them to be. We get competitive with each other too sometimes which causes issues..

[ethelynn]

I wonder, if it's really just about you playing games or maybe that you want to play games without him but with other people? I'd feel weird about that too, because if you ask for alone time and go play with other people, then it's not really the same thing.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Thank you very much for your insight again. You have no idea how your posts make me look at the whole situation more rationally.

Differentcountries, thanks for the needs inventory. I read it carefully and it helped me in calming down my emotions and thinking more rationally about my needs and how to work out some compromise so that I can fulfill needs of my bf as well.

Jealousy was the key thing in whole situation indeed.

Snow, you are also right, it turned out he was treating our game as a date for only 2 people, an intimate meeting.

Ethelynn, I concentrated on understanding his point of view, presenting mine and offered a compromise.

But...I't didnt work in my opinion.

In the beginning, the conversation was full of emotions, we were venting off a bit, I admit, but then I remembered about the advices for wise discussion that won't include two raging kids. So I can proudly say I was piloting the conversation and he was raging from time to time, but I didn't yield to temptation to respond in the same way.

I offered him a solution in which I can have one and only one game that I can play alone a bit or with a person of my choice during the day. He refused to accept this, moreover he said that I can't play with anyone else but him UNTIL he sorts his jealousy issues. (The problem is that mostly guys play games so I have some of them on my friend lists there). I asked him how he plans to deal with me playing with others if i won't do it at all. He couldn't give me any answer. I think that's the solution for him, to forbid me something and be happy that I don't do what he has issues with. I asked him what compromise he offers in exchange. He said that it's already a compromise because he is willing to change and he will allow me to play with others when he changes. I asked what time frame he plans for it. He said none.

I believe that this is very very unhealthy way of putting things.

I tried to explain to him that I am not a posession that someone can take. And he said that he doesn't know it. I can also add here that some time ago he had difficulty with coping with the fact that i had a few boyfriends before him and he said that "everyone could have me". He apologized and i forgave him this but when I add it to this event with gameplay and our conversation today I am very worried.

Could you please tell me if it really seems unhealthy or I am just not trying to work his traumas with him? Now I feel even more uncomfortable than when I wrote the first post in this thread.

I am going to offer a different opinion than ethelynn. I don't do well with jealousy. I am a very not jealous person, though some things can get to me. But I am the person that sees two types of jealousy. Types of jealousy based on my personal insecurity over myself or the relationship(which makes it my problem and fits what he is doing). And types of jealousy that actually are a problem for me or my partner. I realize this characterization may seem unfair, but I basically mean a girl pursuing my guy and not letting up. That's where our boundaries would say that he shouldn't be alone with her. And I respond the same way.

I feel the sex of who you are playing games with doesn't matter unless they are attempting to have some inappropriate conversations with you. My SO has a group of male friends and a group of female friends. I would never tell him not to hang out with the girls until I dealt with any problems I have with him. I don't even forbid him from hanging out with the one or two girls who have tried to mess things up with us in the past. I just ask him not to be alone with him and to be wary around them if they are forced to be alone. This is where preestablished relationship boundaries come in handy.

This is just how I feel about jealousy. I don't date jealous men because of it. You have to decide how you feel about it and if you are okay with it you do need to work with him on it. If you aren't okay with it you have to go from there. You are the only one who can decide if it is unhealthy. Maybe try to find some girls to game with. We have girls on here that I know game.

[ethelynn]

I feel the sex of who you are playing games with doesn't matter unless they are attempting to have some inappropriate conversations with you. My SO has a group of male friends and a group of female friends. I would never tell him not to hang out with the girls until I dealt with any problems I have with him. I don't even forbid him from hanging out with the one or two girls who have tried to mess things up with us in the past. I just ask him not to be alone with him and to be wary around them if they are forced to be alone. This is where preestablished relationship boundaries come in handy.

It's not about forbiding. If someone you love has an issue with something that you do, then why would it be a bad thing to help him getting over it by not doing what upsets him, helping him calm down about the issue? You are not jealous, but the feeling of jealousy can eat one up, no matter how good you try to be over it. I am a gamer and so is my SO. It would hurt my feelings if my SO wants to play a multiplayer game away from me as his alone time with another group of people (males or females), unless it's a friends specific event. What difference does it make if i'm one of the group or not, he wouldn't be alone either way. He might just not really understand what is going on and being hurt by making his own assumptions about the situation.

[nottheprincesspeach]

It's not about forbiding. If someone you love has an issue with something that you do, then why would it be a bad thing to help him getting over it by not doing what upsets him, helping him calm down about the issue? You are not jealous, but the feeling of jealousy can eat one up, no matter how good you try to be over it. I am a gamer and so is my SO. It would hurt my feelings if my SO wants to play a multiplayer game away from me as his alone time with another group of people (males or females), unless it's a friends specific event. What difference does it make if i'm one of the group or not, he wouldn't be alone either way. He might just not really understand what is going on and being hurt by making his own assumptions about the situation.

And this is exactly where personal opinions and needs comes in. You don't see it as forbidding. And I can understand that. But I don't feel that is a fair sacrifice to have to make. I did offer the potential compromise of finding more girls to game with because then he shouldn't be jealous. I just don't understand because I have friends outside of my relationship. And while I would be just fine with my SO joining us, I also like time with my friends on my own. I don't feel that is unfair. He does things with friends without me. I wouldn't find it fair for my SO to expect me to give them up for any period of time. It is HIS issue, which makes it seem unfair to me for him to put it on her. I don't honestly believe that he will work on it and make any better process if she stops. If he plans to work on it he should work on it.

If he needs things cleared up because he is making assumptions, he should talk that out with her.

Also while I said I am not a jealous person, I did indicate that I feel this way. I dealt with some jealousy issues I was having recently, but I didn't put it on my SO to change his behavior in the mean time asking him not to communicate with that person.

[Davidvs]

I'm not a gamer, and therefore maybe missing subtleties here, but here I go...

She is looking for a little bit of time to relax without him around. She is finding that time when she is gaming.
It doesn't matter that she is playing with other people, the point is it's time away from him. He should understand and be supportive of that. If he can't do that, then maybe he is not the right person for her.

[ethelynn]

It is HIS issue, which makes it seem unfair to me for him to put it on her. I don't honestly believe that he will work on it and make any better process if she stops. If he plans to work on it he should work on it.

For me, in a relationship, there is US, not him and me separately. If he has an issue with something, I'd do what i can to make him feel comfortable. To a limit, of course and as long as he is trying his best to fix things. Some issues are faster overcome when someone doesn't constantly give you a reason to go back to those feelings. How is doing something for your SO to feel better and help him get through his issue wrong? Forbidding to me would be when he said that she isn't allowed to do it at all. There's a difference between asking if your SO can do something for you until you work on your issues and just saying that they aren't allowed to do something. Just my opinion on it.

Playing a game is like going to a restaurant or any other public place you go with your friends, you can go out with your friends there and your SO can still go to the same place without actually talking or being together. Both mind their own business. He'd just be one player in the game, nothing more or less, you can still do what you want. Another option is to play games he can't track/won't know when exactly you're playing what. He might get used to it if he doesn't see you playing through Steam etc, so it's not in front of him all the time that you are online and playing, just not with him.

[nottheprincesspeach]

For me, in a relationship, there is US, not him and me separately. If he has an issue with something, I'd do what i can to make him feel comfortable. To a limit, of course and as long as he is trying his best to fix things. Some issues are faster overcome when someone doesn't constantly give you a reason to go back to those feelings. How is doing something for your SO to feel better and help him get through his issue wrong? Forbidding to me would be when he said that she isn't allowed to do it at all. There's a difference between asking if your SO can do something for you until you work on your issues and just saying that they aren't allowed to do something. Just my opinion on it.

Playing a game is like going to a restaurant or any other public place you go with your friends, you can go out with your friends there and your SO can still go to the same place without actually talking or being together. Both mind their own business. He'd just be one player in the game, nothing more or less, you can still do what you want. Another option is to play games he can't track/won't know when exactly you're playing what. He might get used to it if he doesn't see you playing through Steam etc, so it's not in front of him all the time that you are online and playing, just not with him.

So you recommend she hide things and lie by ommission? That sounds worse to me. I believe that you can't expect every issue to be resolved in a couple with two people. There are some things each person has to deal with on their own. There are US things and ME things and HIM things. I am a more independent person in that way, and am with a similar type of person. That is our "healthy". I did recommend more than once now that she get more female friends to game with as hard as that might be. I felt that was a good compromise. But even so I wouldn't feel comfortable with my SO asking me to cut people out of my life like that. It doesn't really matter how you or I feel though, this is the OP's thing to decide where on the spectrum she falls in this. Clearly you and I fall at different ends of the spectrum.

I can't say whether he forbid her or just asked. I don't know. I don't know that you do for sure either. I wasn't a part of that conversation. I also never said doing something to help your SO with a problem is bad. I just think there are times to do that and times not to. In this specific situation I would not do that.

I am fine with my SO being at events with me, or playing games with me, but I need time and space separate. As does he. That is where our need banks fall. Some people need that too, time doing things with their friends. I feel a certain amount of time apart is healthy in a relationship.

[ethelynn]

So you recommend she hide things and lie by ommission? That sounds worse to me.

Where did i recommend lying or hiding? Just making it less obvious, talk about it after, if you even feel the need to talk about what you do during your alone time. And it was just a suggestion. I don't know what they are like as a couple, but as much as you offer your side of things, I offer mine, because I can more relate to someone who might have jealousy issues or insecurities. I am just making suggestions of what i think would help someone _temporarily_. Every issue can't be dealt with as a couple, but I don't see anything wrong with helping my partner through issues. About cutting out people, I thought she wanted to have time to be alone, not talking about time with friends here or did i misunderstand something?

[nottheprincesspeach]

Where did i recommend lying or hiding? Just making it less obvious, talk about it after, if you even feel the need to talk about what you do during your alone time. And it was just a suggestion. I don't know what they are like as a couple, but as much as you offer your side of things, I offer mine, because I can more relate to someone who might have jealousy issues or insecurities. I am just making suggestions of what i think would help someone _temporarily_. Every issue can't be dealt with as a couple, but I don't see anything wrong with helping my partner through issues. About cutting out people, I thought she wanted to have time to be alone, not talking about time with friends here or did i misunderstand something?

Okay, talking about it after makes it better, hiding playing games from him when that is something important to them, doesn't sound like a good idea to me. You were the one that said to play things without him knowing. I am just fine with your opinion. Hence saying we were on a spectrum and not knowing where OP falls on that spectrum. Later in the thread she talked about having a friend join them and his reaction which lead to him asking her not to play with other people at all period as far as I understand things. Which is why I think we are on the debate we are. I don't see anything wrong with helping a partner through issues either. But in my opinion this is not something I think she should have to do to help him if she doesn't feel comfortable with it or want to. That's up to her to decide how she feels and what she wants to do. She may agree with you and help him out while he works on it, or she may agree with me and not feel comfortable doing that.

[ethelynn]

As I understood, he took them playing together as a date and that's why he got upset. From my own experience, I know how arguments like that, even though started by a misunderstanding, can lead to negative feelings towards that behaviour (in this case playing with other people). One specific event made me upset and him doing it again lead me even more upset. It wasn't itself a bad thing, but as the last few times ended with a misunderstanding that lead to some arguments, it instantly felt off to me and unwillingly i took a negative attitude towards it. All I needed was some time to calm down about it and see that he really thinks i'm important, that it's not about me being not important to him. Sometimes all it needs are simple gestures of love or caring.

EDIT: I didn't mean hide the games, i meant playing in private. So that when he feels bored, he can't just check that oh she is playing this, without me again or that he'll join. I don't mean this as permanent, just temporary until he fixes his issue with it. Of course I meant so that they'll talk about it first, it was just one option for compromise.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Okay well, it doesn't seem like a necessarily temporary thing to me, but it might be worth giving a shot. I wouldn't do it that way, but it might work for OP. I have been in situations where I felt instantly negative toward something, but I dealt with it without my partner (mostly on my own or talking it out with friends). I guess this is just the difference in how different people work things out. I find his behavior very off putting and manipulative because he does not seem to want to make compromise or communicate things well at all. He seems to throw tantrums when things don't go his way and make demands and show unwillingness to compromise. We have different interpretations on the same matter. I agree that you may be right, and my point of view may be too hard. But that's just the way I do things. I can appreciate your methods and desires as well.

[Agathiel]

When I was writing the first post, I couldn't predict what would happen within next few days and I described the second situation in the same thread because I felt that the issue which lies behind these two situations is similar, or maybe the same.

My apologies to people, who felt confused about what it's all about and, again, thanks for devoting time to give me advices of all sort.

The topic suggests it's about gaming, but I think I named the thread like this because I'm a gamer and I relax when I play. In fact, the topic is more about the space for spending time on PC alone, which means that even though I am online and he is online, we can do two separate things sometimes. The other thing that came up was the fact that he didn't want to play with my friend, or as it turned out later, doesn't want to play with my friends in general, but at the same time doesn't want to allow me to do it alone as well. If I were to compare it to the “local” relationship situation, it could be similar to the situation when I offer him to go for a coffee with my friends and he refuses, which is fine, but additionally says that I can't go alone too. So this topic is probably about jealousy, possessiveness and problems with coming to some compromise in these areas. I can add that I am not a possessive or a jealous type, he can spend time with whoever he wants “in real life”, or online.

I've never said that he can't join me and my friends when we are both online in the same game! This would be a really mean thing to do. But he doesn't want to play with my friends in general because for him, these are (I quote) “random people”, and “not his friends”. Also, he said: "You are enough for me, sorry that I am not for you". And “If I am online in a game and you are online as well, you play with me, not with someone else”. These are the exact words. Then I said that he is online most of the time (as I said we have a lot of free time currently), for which he replied: “So I guess u are doomed to spend time with me, I'm sorry”. That's why I asked for a compromise which for me was to have one game which I can play alone, or with friend(s) of my choice, even if he is in it online, as he doesn't want to play with us. He refused to accept it and said that me playing with someone else when he is not online is already his compromise. And that his will to change is a compromise as well.

The problem with giving him the unlimited time for a change and isolating myself from others, as a “sacrifice”, so that he can work on himself, lies in the fact that we've already known each other for 1,5 yrs (we are together a bit more than 6 months). And even before we started relationship, jealousy was an issue for him and we had small arguments about it. Paradoxically, what I didn't notice before as a pattern, last half a year, we were usually playing games which involved only 2 of us. Coincidentally, only this recent event, with a randomly joining friend, gave him the opportunity to manifest his jealousy and possessiveness in an extreme way.

And now I wonder if it can be fixed at all, or maybe such things are relationship destroyers when he seems to have such an uncompromising style of communication? I don't feel there is a real dialogue. I don't know how to teach him a real dialogue! I ran out of ideas. I feel like he is making announcements to me. Maybe my compromise wasn't the best, I don't know, but I really tried to meet him halfway instead of demanding for example 100% of fulfilling my need, as he seems to be doing.

Honestly, I don't think it motivates me to help him, acually it doesn't, at all.

I could resign from playing with other people, to give him some REASONABLE cool down time, but considering that we've already known each other for 1,5 yrs, it can take another 2, or it can never happen, but be just a comfortable way for him to procrastinate it endlessly and be a good excuse. So for me, it sounds like forbidding.

[ethelynn]

Oh, that is then different. Does he mind you going out with your friends too? This is really posessive behaviour, wanting you all to himself. How was he about this before you officially got together? Or even how old is he? Have you met in person already? There is a chance he just might be used to having you all to himself and is having hard time getting used to anything different. Also I don't remember seeing where you both are from? Maybe English could be the problem with communication and explaining? I am in no way defending him, just offering any hope there might be. If it really is about him being possessive, then you should tell him how it's going to be for you and it's up to him then if he can accept it or not. If he is not willing to work for it or give in at least a little, then that is how he is and it probably can't be changed.

I said it's not forbidding as long as he actually works on it. If he doesnt, it is.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I am going with pretty much everything I already said. He would be too possessive and jealous for me. I wouldn't be okay with the manipulative way he communicates. I wouldn't put up with the attempt to control your behavior. That is truly unhealthy. He can't be your soul source of contact in any facet. Most everyone needs time to themselves and contact with more than one person. Stuff like this can only be worked through with healthy communication and effort on both sides. If he is unwilling to work with you on that aspect I don't see how you can get what you need from the relationship, and he seems very focuses solely on what he needs.

If you can't find a compromise where you both get what you need, things are only going to get worse. You need time alone or time with your other friends, even if he is included in that aspect. Either way if he won't find a way to be okay with what you need and continue to insist that you spend all of your time online with him fulfilling his need for companionship (which is a bit extreme in my book) then you will end up incredibly unhappy.