Not sure where to go from here

[O_o]

Hello all!

This is my first time posting in this (or any) forum, so I'm sorry if I don't get it quite right. I've mostly badgered my best friends for relationship advice, but I truly think I've tired them all out. I'm looking for any nuggets of wisdom people might be willing to share with me. So, without further ado, here is my situation:

I met my SO back in January of 2012 while in Venezuela and the timing probably could not have been worse; we met at my going away party! I was returning to the States permanently, but we really hit it off and kept talking after we met. I went back to visit after just a few weeks, and we pursued a long distance relationship afterward. We were both in college and had no prospects of closing the distance anytime soon. I managed to get down to Venezuela for a few visits over the course of a year, it was very hard but the prospect of seeing each other made it easier to keep going. But the money eventually dried up, and the possibility of seeing each other dropped to zero. I had a couple years yet to graduation and full time employment, and my SO 1)didn't have job prospects either and 2)was denied a tourist visa. As far as visits go, we were at an impasse.

We knew it would be a very long time before seeing each other face to face again, but we didn't want that to hold us back. Our main form of communication was via Skype chat. We rarely spoke via voice chat, and video chat was even rarer. This was partly due to shoddy internet service in my SO's country, and largely because my SO's family did not approve of the relationship and so would not be happy hearing my SO speaking to me (in their country a person typically lives with family until marriage). My SO seemed content with communicating via text, but I had trouble with it - it simply isn't enough for me. After a while the strain was too much for me, and I broke it off after having been together for nearly 2 years.

We parted as friends, and have kept in contact via Facebook. After the break we didn't connect for a few months, but we began simple texts around the holidays. These days I really question the wisdom of breaking up. I love my SO very much and have never been happy with another person before. This is someone I want in my life for a long, long time. I understand we can be simply be friends, but I want more than that and I think my SO does too. However, nothing has changed in our situation so I don't think it would be right to try and get back together. I worry it would be more of the same problems that drove me mad in the first place.

I should add that (if we get back together) I want to bring my SO here once I am out of school and have a job. That was discussed favorably long before the break up. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? Or have any suggestions about where to go from here?

[squeeker]

Hi there! Welcome to the forum! Um.. I see the difficulty in your situation and I can see some similarities to my own situation, with the financial issues, but thankfully my SO and I both have decent/good internet most of the time, so we are able to video chat when we are apart most of the time. So I can see how it would make it more difficult to stay in a relationship without the Skype video or at least voice call, because they are as close as you can get to being in person without being in person.

I also think that if you both still have feelings for each other, you should keep going, and texting and making it work... you have hope for the future.. you will graduate from your school and *hopefully* get a job soon after and be able to get her over to where you are.. So my advice is to try and stick it out. Maybe try and be creative and send letters back in forth in addition to texting, so that you have something physical between you.. maybe exchange pictures, maybe you could send each other videos instead of video call because it might be a bit easier on the internet, though the uploading/downloading might take awhile if the internet is really bad.

My boyfriend and I realized we had to go back to university to try and get better jobs because we were just making enough to see each other once a year (one time for 3 1/2 months but the other 3 times have been less), and it was frustrating. Though this meant that right now we are going through the longest time we have been apart since we met.. it's much better, I admit, because we skype every day so it helps a lot. And we both have uni work to distract us, though we can have our low days still.

If you feel it's too much, stay friends.. or maybe stay friends until you graduate and then see where things are.. though if you really care about each other and love each other, I think you can make it work, despite a really slow internet connection. Just keep reminding yourself why you love each other and what you love about each other, remember the times you were together, talk about and think about what you want to do one day when you are together again, and keep getting to know each other. Though I can see it being harder without a luxurious fast internet, but I think it would still be possible..

[Zapookie]

I think you should stay in contact with your SO, as you said you are still on friendly terms. If you feel it is bad timing, then maybe working through school and saving up money is the thing to do. However, don't put your life and love life on hold because of him. I think you should just do you, and if things fall into place later on down the road, then so be it.

[Chillosaurus]

Welcome to the world of forums!

[...] We parted as friends, and have kept in contact via Facebook. After the break we didn't connect for a few months, but we began simple texts around the holidays. These days I really question the wisdom of breaking up. I love my SO very much and have never been happy with another person before.

Keep the contact low, if you don't feel free to move on otherwise.
He is your first.. There are so many different things waiting to be discovered.
I totally support Zapookie here. Do not put your life on hold.

This is someone I want in my life for a long, long time. I understand we can be simply be friends, but I want more than that and I think my SO does too. However, nothing has changed in our situation so I don't think it would be right to try and get back together. [...]

This is just my impression and personal opinion:
You seem fixated on him (still calling him your SO after the breakup!!!!), there is no way you can be simply friends without denying yourself at the moment.
On another note, if you think logistics can work out, you might give it a shot. Anyway, it should come from a point of really wanting him, not from a "never been happy with another person" point where you tell yourself that your "SO" is the only possibility. You don't want to be with someone out of scarcity...
The idea is: stay in contact with him, but not too much. Keep (or start) dating others. Maybe meetup with the venezuelan again with a "anything can happen" mindset.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry, i am going to talk as if you are still together.because that seems to sort of be the case. If you look at this practically, is there any way that he can get better internet acess, and any way you can visit? If you want him, go for him. Dating others will only bring confusion to everyone who's involved. Being together is not about "right ". You could date someone on the moon and still be loyal to them.

[O_o]

there is no way you can be simply friends without denying yourself at the moment.

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Can you elaborate?

Yes, I suppose there is some fixation. It never occurred to me to say "ex" when posting in this forum, though that's not how I speak of my ex in conversation. Still, a friend point out that my ex comes up in conversation with some regularity; and now a perfect stranger has noted something too. It certainly grabbed my attention.

I'm trying to back into the dating game, though it's not easy where I live (college town + grown person= annoying generation gap). I worry about dragging old feelings into what should be a casual, fun dating experience. I've never been down this road before and I'm probably over-thinking it. But you and Zapookie make a good point; a life on hold isn't worth living.

Thanks for the heads up, it really helps when a outside party makes such a poignant observation. You've given me something to think on and be aware of.