We're about to break up

[ahdz]

I'm 25 years old and she's 22... I've known her since 2009! But we were in a relationship since 2011... Now we can't take this distance anymore, we've been trying to stay together for good. She told me to find work in her country because she doesn't wanna live in mine so I tried and tried but apparently, I can't apply from overseas because no company wants to sponsor a foreigner. I tried everything she suggested but nothing worked. So I told her that the only way for us was to get married and move with her so she said that's not a solution and I should not even consider it as an option! I don't know what to do, it seems that nothing is working out so I thought since there is no future, we should just break up... She got really sad and emotional and she said she doesn't want to end things because she loves me... I love her but I don't have any way to move with her... She just says I should be patient but I think we waited for more than enough and it's been very frustrating for both of us so far... I don't know why I'm writing this thread, or what response I should expect, but I am really sad that things has reached this stage and I thought I would just write it for people that could understand me since all my friends will never understand as you will...

[alittlemind]

Why doesn't she want to move to where you are? Would it be easier for her to do so? If you want to be together some compromise will have to happen...

[Hollandia]

What countries are you both in? Do you get to visit each other at all?

[NerdyChick]

Well from what you say, it sounds like the only viable way for you and your SO to close the distance would be the fiance/spousal visa route? In a lot of cases work visas are hard if not impossible to obtain depending on the country. If she doesn't want to live in your country and you are willing to move to hers, than she needs to understand there is a very finite way to go about legally closing the distance for you two. She may not like the idea of getting married yet, but as an international couple, my SO and I understood that this, very early on, was going to be the only route we could take. It sounds like it's the same for you and your SO, after 3 years together, I'd imagine that you would've visited each other and know each other quite well? If you want to close the distance, and the fiance/spousal visas are your only option, and she's not ready to do that, than you can stay at a distance until she is, or you can move on. It's entirely up to you, but it sounds as if she's against compromising, but expecting you to still find another way. Has she looked into the visas and how things work in her country? Has she put in the time and effort to learn about these things? Because it sounds as if maybe she doesn't realize how impossible her current understanding of the situation is. I think you need to have a very serious conversation about this before making your decision, lay all the facts out on the table and discuss it openly, when would she feel comfortable with things? How much longer are you willing to wait? You need to weigh the situation carefully, but in the end, you know your own limits and how much you can take. If she's not willing to compromise, it might be time to walk away.

[Chillosaurus]

Is there a specific reason, why she does not want to live in your country?

[differentcountries]

It is good that she has made suggestions. However, if those are not working she can not leave it all up to you.

Often, it is easier for to get a spousal visa than a work visa. I worry though, that since she is only 22 it may be hard for her to support you once you are married. I don't know what you do, but I imagine you have more education and/or work experience because of your age.

I am not sure why she does not want to come to you. But if you throw ball a little with the idea of getting married to close the distance, you can look at different suggestions;
- You coming to her (how will you make a living once you are there, until you can find a job?) Do you know the place well? Have connections?
- Her coming to you (do you currently have a job on which to support her? what are her uppertunities for work in your country?) What are her reasons for not wanting to live in your country?
- You living togeter in one place (yours or hers) and then shifting countries
- Living together somewhere else
- Contiuing LDR as you do - for ___ years? What will it take for you to be more patient, and for her to start setting an estimate on closing time?
- Breaking up...but that is too sa if you love each other.

I am not quite sure what she thinks you should be waiting for. Of course, should you decide to get married you don't have to do it right away, but it would give the both of you something to plan for that will aid closing the distance.

[ahdz]

She's from the US and I'm an Engineer from the middle east but I am currently living in Europe finishing my master's degree.
Working in Europe is much easier for me. The reason she doesn't want to move to my country is obvious, because of course the middle east situation isn't stable.
But also, she doesn't want to move to Europe because she doesn't speak any other language than English and she doesn't want to learn,
plus she already has some connections and work that she does from time to time in the states...

I don't need her to support me once I arrive in the states since I will be able to financially support myself until I find a job there...
I forgot to mention that yeah, we have met before in both Europe and the states "last time was in Christmas" and every time we meet, we realize that we want to close the distance.
I just don't know what to do, she thinks that I can find a work offer if I look more but the more I try, the more I realize that it's almost impossible to do so if I'm applying from overseas.
I tried to explain to her but she's not convinced... That's why I started thinking about breaking up even though, it's making me really depressed!
I don't want anyone else but at the same time I feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and she can't understand that.

[OperaDiva]

I don't know if we are getting the whole story here, but it sounds to me like your SO does not want to compromise or to even understand your point of view. These would not be good qualities for a long term relationship. It takes two to make it work and it doesn't seem like she is trying.

[NerdyChick]

I don't need her to support me once I arrive in the states since I will be able to financially support myself until I find a job there...

Yes, but in order for you to be approved for a spousal or fiance visa in the states she would have to sponsor you, which means she would have to meet a financial requirement set to show that she can support you until you find employment. So the question is does she make enough to facilitate that? It's not to say that you can't support yourself once you are there and married, but there are certain requirements that have to be met before the visa is granted. Just talk it through with her, and yes you are correct in that work visas are rare and hard to come by, not only would the company have to pay for the visa and sponsor you to move and work over here, they would also have to sign a paper stating that you are specially qualified to do the job and they could not find anyone else within the US to do it. There are ways to move on a work visa, for instance if you work for a company branch in Europe that also has a branch in the US, than you may be able to transfer to the US branch, or some companies do have special programs for foreign workers, but you would have to have graduated from a top tier school and basically be the top of your class. But overall, in most cases, the fiance and spousal visa would be the fastest and most stable route.

[ahdz]

Yes, but in order for you to be approved for a spousal or fiance visa in the states she would have to sponsor you, which means she would have to meet a financial requirement set to show that she can support you until you find employment. So the question is does she make enough to facilitate that? It's not to say that you can't support yourself once you are there and married, but there are certain requirements that have to be met before the visa is granted. Just talk it through with her, and yes you are correct in that work visas are rare and hard to come by, not only would the company have to pay for the visa and sponsor you to move and work over here, they would also have to sign a paper stating that you are specially qualified to do the job and they could not find anyone else within the US to do it. There are ways to move on a work visa, for instance if you work for a company branch in Europe that also has a branch in the US, than you may be able to transfer to the US branch, or some companies do have special programs for foreign workers, but you would have to have graduated from a top tier school and basically be the top of your class. But overall, in most cases, the fiance and spousal visa would be the fastest and most stable route.

Oh yes I understand that requirement for the K1 visa because I read about it. But this isn't gonna be a problem anyway... The only problem is that she is completely against the idea... I tried to explain all these employment H1B visa requirements and complicated procedures but she doesn't believe that's it's hard.

Anyway, like "OperaDiva" said, it seems that she isn't willing to compromise.

[Hollandia]

Both parties need to be open to sacrifice in an LDR. It sounds like you are financially stable more so than her. If so, she needs to be willing to move to Europe for a few years if that is where you can work at. I don't speak Dutch for squat but I try and really in most of Europe that is all she needs. She won't even try because she does not want to...that sounds a bit immature. I don't WANT to leave my country either but I love my SO enough to do it. She needs to be willing to step out of her box and take the adventure with you that life is. It is not always so cut and dried as she would want and she needs to be ready to take the ride of unexpected things the two of you, or anyone can face. You two can always move back to USA another time in the future when that is more feasible.

It sounds like she is not willing to do so and she won't budge I hate to say but maybe it is best to split. After 3 years you should know whether or not there is someone you want to share a life with. I told my SO that I would go to Timbuktoo to be with him and he has said the same to me. Whether we end up in a box on the street on a Penthouse in the sky, we know first and foremost we want to be together. To me, that is when you know you have found your lifemate. Do you guys love each other that much? If you do then you will find a way to stay together until you can close the distance and both are you will make the sacrifices that need to made.

[ahdz]

I told my SO that I would go to Timbuktoo to be with him and he has said the same to me. Whether we end up in a box on the street on a Penthouse in the sky, we know first and foremost we want to be together. To me, that is when you know you have found your lifemate.

I am really glad for both of you and it makes me feel hope that there are some people in this world that are thinking like you two. I'm a new member in that forum but after reading a lot of posts like yours, I am starting to question my relationship because I was willing to do whatever I can to be with her but it seems that she doesn't really want to understand the difficulties I have and she's just asking me to fix all these issues on my own and not involve her!

[TwoThree]

I'm sorry to hear things are so complicated. I completely understand your SO's desire not to move to the Middle-East (and obviously so do you) but the fact that she isn't even willing to consider moving to Europe to be with you, and will not either consider options that would facilitate you moving to the US to be with her shows a certain kind of selfishness and immaturity. She's used to getting her way in most things, isn't she? I mean you have your studies, and serious prospects in Europe and she has what? A temp job?

I wouldn't recommend you pursue a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Seems like a waste of time to me. Best of luck.

[snow]

Not moving to Europe, because she doesn't speak any other language than English is silly. What about Scotland, England or Ireland? They speak English there!
But I have to second twothree - if she is not willing to get out of her comfort zone and find a compromise then this is going to be tough on you both. It is hard to get into the United States and if that's the only way you are able to be with her, I would spend a lot of time reading into the different kinds of visas.