should we just give up

[standingoutsidethefire]

I'm a more realistic person than my SO is, at least I feel that way. The reality is, neither of us have high paying jobs that would allow us to move. Neither of us have our own places, or can afford to rent on our own. He is so positive about everything, but I'm trying to look at this from a realistic stand point. I do not believe there will be a time where we could ever close the distance. Maybe if we remained in an LDR for many years and worked really hard. But the truth is, I don't think I can handle being in something long distance for that long. And I don't think it's fair to either of us to do that. We love each other, and I want this to work out, but I just don't see how it will be possible.

When should we just accept reality and give up?

[Agathiel]

Maybe you're not realistic, but pessimistic this time?

I think that you can really make it, if you both have a plan how to organize things and try to stick to it. It would probably make you feel that you are engaging in something real, a relationship with a prospect. It may take a few years, but if you really love each other, it's worth it. Giving up only sounds easy, but taking such a decision won't miraculously erase him from your memory, or you from his. There must be some solution. It won't be perfect maybe but it may be good for the start, like one of you finding some job in UK or US to close the distance. You are both from English speaking countries, so it should be a bit easier...

[squeeker]

I get why you could feel like this. My SO and I went through a bit of a depressing stage at one point where we weren't sure how we would close the distance at all. We didn't want to give up though.. and ended up going back to university so that we both had a better opportunity to get a better job and so hopefully in a few years time we can close the distance! But it is hard because people sometimes seem to close the distance sooner.

But it's up to you and how you feel.. If you love him and know you want to be with him forever, you need to figure out a plan.. whether it's to cut back even more on your budget (might be hard I know) or keep looking for either advancement in your current jobs or look for a better job.. or maybe look into advancement through school or a trade school or something. Or get another part time job if possible to save up a lot quicker.. if possible.. or stay in a long distance relationship.

I knew one thing that I think about is that I want to be with my SO whether long distance or not, and that helps me, because I don't want to be with anyone else.

Since I see your relationship started last year only, you might not be fully sure if it is worth it.. and you have to figure that out.. if you want to be with him and wait and do what it takes.. it's hard. I don't know.. you have to do what's best for you and what you want.. you don't want to stay in an LDR if you are not happy. But I do believe it's possible if you want it hard enough. Though I have gone through phases of doubt or longing for us both to be done with education and with good jobs that will help us be able to save and one day live together.. but it's gonna be a few years.

You can give up. Whether or not you should is depending on how you feel about your relationship. A LDR is like any other relationship, just with an added (annoying) distance factor. I would never advocate anyone give up on their love, but I also know that I don't know everyone's relationship and how happy it is! So good luck! I'm sure you can make it through.

[Chillosaurus]

[...] When should we just accept reality and give up?

There is no reason to let it go as long as the relationship makes you happy.

[Hollandia]

I know what you are saying. LDRs are not for everyone. Long term LDRSs are not for many. The question is, do you love each other enough to be one of the few if there is a chance you can end up CD till death do you part? Aside from any other hurdles, the main thing that will make you be together or not in the end is the two of you.

[piratemama]

It depends on what you want and when you want it. If you are enjoying what you have this moment with your SO, why change anything? Don't worry about bridges you might have to cross until you come to them, because you never know what might happen in your life. Things have a funny way of working out. If you are meant to be with your SO, something will happen to allow it. By the same token, if you aren't meant to me, it won't. For now, if you aren't looking to marry and are happy with your SO, just focus on the now. To many times, we miss life - we let it pass us right by - because we are too busy worrying about the future and living in the past.

Like squeeker said, I wouldn't want anyone else in the whole universe other than my SO, even if we had to stay LD.

[Chillosaurus]

Well put, pratemama!

[ahdz]

Same exact problem we are having... I'm in Europe and she's in the US... We keep having frustrations because we don't know how or if we'll one day be able to close the distance and it's been 3 years for us since we declared our relationship and about 5 years since we knew each other... We keep meeting from time to time either in Europe or the States... Last time I talked to her, I told her that this isn't working out for us since she's not willing to take any solution and we stopped talking for a while... Later she told me that we shouldn't end the relationship because she really loves me and I also love her so much but I can't see where this is taking us! I can literally understand every feeling you're going through...

It's really hard but if you want it to work, you gotta figure out something, you have to be willing to do something that you wouldn't have thought you would ever do!... Like get married and accept a modest job in her country or vice versa until you/she could find a better job "that's what I offered my girlfriend but she refused" Someone has to sacrifice at the end in order for this relationship to work.

[Jaac]

First of all, you should ask yourself if you would want to leave your friends and family behind to move to your SO in another country.
If the answer is yes, you shouldnt look for problems but for possibilities!
Instead of focussing on why you wouldnt be able to, why this isn't the right time, how it's all not ever going to happen, you should focus on the positive things!
one thing is sure, nothing will happen if you just wait and repeat all the negatives in your head.

Try and find out if it would be better for you or for him to move, then find out how you can get a visa, then find out how you would be able to make things work money wise.
If you are positive on closing the distance soon, I would start making a (realistic) plan with goals that you can work towards to.
For example:
In 2 weeks you know who will be moving
at the end of the month you have found out everything about (temporary) visa.

and so forth.... That way you will have the feeling that you are really working towards it.
repeat the positive things to yourself. If you really want it, you can make it work!

[standingoutsidethefire]

I would be willing to move if that's what it came down to. I believe it would be best if he moved, just from a job stand point, and I believe the cost of living is bit more affordable here than England. It's going to be tough either way, as I am not expecting support from our families. Which would be a big help, but again, it's not going to happen. I sometimes feel like the odds are stacked against us. :\

[differentcountries]

Even if you know who will be moving and possably how, it usually takes a long time to make realistic plans for closing the distance. Marriage and education will usually help.

[Jaac]

Support from your family is always nice. But it's your life and you have to live it for yourself.
If moving makes you happy, your family will realise that this is what you want.

Let him check out the pros and cons about moving to the UK and you do the same for the US.
Talk about it with each other and discuss the points.
You can go from there. See what needs to be done.

I understand you would rather have this taken care of sooner than later. But a big thing like this take quite a while.
Try to be patient. Take it step by step.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I'm a more realistic person than my SO is, at least I feel that way. The reality is, neither of us have high paying jobs that would allow us to move. Neither of us have our own places, or can afford to rent on our own. He is so positive about everything, but I'm trying to look at this from a realistic stand point. I do not believe there will be a time where we could ever close the distance. Maybe if we remained in an LDR for many years and worked really hard. But the truth is, I don't think I can handle being in something long distance for that long. And I don't think it's fair to either of us to do that. We love each other, and I want this to work out, but I just don't see how it will be possible.

When should we just accept reality and give up?

Certainly not this soon. In less than a year? You have barely given each other a chance. We are almost 4 years into this, and no clue how or when or IF we will be able to close the distance, with all the obstacles and complications. But we love each other, enjoy each other any way we can, and would be together if we could. Yes, it is hard, it is lonely, it is frustrating at times, we have ups and downs, even argue with each other, but we always come back to each other.

This Internet age of Information and Communications is made for LDR, like a gift from the heavens. We have mobile phones, smart phones, Skype, social networks (we met on Facebook, on a forum, and also played a game together), Twitter, e-mail, IM, YouTube, Netflix, and so many apps especially for making LDR more fun, and a bit less lonely. And right here, we have this great community of people who are going through similar situations, and can share ideas, things that work for them, advice from experience, and just support each other when things get rough. And the articles and e-books here help too. All here for you, and for all of us.

Don't give up in the first year, just because it is hard to do this. Give yourselves time to know each other, and to let your love grow. I think you might regret it if you quit now. You might always wonder what it could have been like, with just a little more time. As for you, work on yourself, grow strong yourself, learn to be happy for yourself, and don't depend on him to make you happy. There will be times he can't be there, and you will have to find ways to be content in your own life.