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    #1

    He's not ready

    Note: We haven't physically met each other yet. I'm 22, he's 20. I've been in relationships before; he has never been in one.

    I've known this guy for about 4 years now. We chatted on and off a couple of times, but only started to grow closer last October. We both have feelings for each other, and I guess you can say we're dating. To him, it feels like we're already in a relationship, and I feel that way too. The thing is, we aren't officially together yet, so I don't actually have the "girlfriend status" despite the fact that we treat each other like we're a couple. He said he wants to be together with me, but he isn't ready for a relationship yet. He also feels that relationships aren't 100% for him.

    So I asked him a couple questions:
    1) Whether it feels to him like we're in a relationship already
    2) What will be different about us if we were in a relationship compared to how we are now
    3) If he answers that there would no difference, what about a relationship with me is he not ready for
    4) How long he will take to be ready and certain.

    To these questions, he answered:
    1) Yes, it feels like we're a couple
    2) He doesn't think anything would be different
    3) The status of a relationship scares him
    4) He doesn't know but I'll be the first to know

    I feel that his fear of the status of a relationship might hint at a fear of commitment? There might be more to his unreadiness too, like how it's gonna be a long distance relationship (he said before that he fears we might not meet in the future, but I told him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to meet).

    The whole thing with the long distance doesn't bother me at all. I'm a firm (or you could say naive, if you don't believe the same) believer of the idea that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and distance.

    Right now, I'm just really unsure of everything and am at a loss of what to do. This issue of him being unready for a relationship has been around for a while. I'm not sure if I should keep waiting for the day he'd be ready for us to be together "officially," or if I should just stop waiting because he might never be ready. Part of me believes that we'll eventually get together and wants to keep waiting; but the other part of me wants to just accept the possibility that we might never be together, and fears the heartbreak and disappointment if he were to come to the decision that he doesn't want us to move to the next level.

    Any advice at all would be deeply appreciated. If anyone has any questions about him/us/me, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer them. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and sorry for the long post.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Don't wait for a guy that doesn't see the value of you now. If he can't see you are a treasure that he'd be lucky to have, you don't need him. If you move on, maybe he'll see what he might lose and make a move.

    BTW, welcome to the forum.

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      #3
      Set at time limit to it. My husband did just that. When I was not sure if we were dating or not, he simply said: Well, I have to know. Within three months. You have to make up your mind in that time. I was scared shitless because I had just come out of a divorce. Still since I figured I might loose this wonderful man, I deared enter "the relationship status". He just has to make up his mind, like the rest of us do. He may be scared of the commitment a relationship implies, but that does not mean it is ok to put another person on hold.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

      Comment

        #4
        Have you got any kind of solid plans as to meeting offline yet? I did not want to say "ok we're in a relationship" before we had met twice, granted there were other factors too but I for one had to know the chemistry was there in real life before committing completely. With that said, I agree that there is no point to keep waiting for someone that can't make up their mind, I'm just lucky my SO waited for me.
        We part only to meet again ~ J.Gay

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          #5
          I have to agree with Differentcountries.
          I had something similar before, and in the end I just felt used. I decided to move on and tell this guy that I wasn't interested anymore (trust me, I gave him plenty of time). I learnt never to give yourself emotionally or even physically to someone who isn't committed or official with you, it made me feel so small and unloved. It was a huge mistake and something I regret deeply. Don't put yourself in the same situation. Put a time limit on it, because if he's not ready, well that's his problem since he'll be losing out.
          Best of luck and welcome to the forums.

          Comment

            #6
            First of all, thank you all for the replies, advices and warm welcomes! <3

            piratemama: It's gonna be really hard for me to move on. It's not so much of him not seeing the value of me, but rather more of his inner insecurities and fears that he has to get over and deal with.

            differentcountries and Chlo: Setting a time limit is a good idea, but I'm not quite sure how to go about doing it. He seems to get upset and doesn't seem to want to talk about it everytime I bring up this topic, and would end up saying "I don't know" a lot. I fear that if I bring this up again so soon, it might push him away from me and make it seem like I'm impatient or unwilling to wait for him to be ready...

            Alsfia: We've talked about him coming over to visit me possibly a year later. But beyond this, we don't really have any solid plans for meeting yet.

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by DeathCab View Post
              differentcountries and Chlo: Setting a time limit is a good idea, but I'm not quite sure how to go about doing it. He seems to get upset and doesn't seem to want to talk about it everytime I bring up this topic, and would end up saying "I don't know" a lot. I fear that if I bring this up again so soon, it might push him away from me and make it seem like I'm impatient or unwilling to wait for him to be ready...
              Haha, that sounds like me 10 years back! I was the constant upset and stresssed "I don't know"-woman. The thing my husband did, he was very calm. He did not bring it up often, but every once in a while he would say things like; I need to know. I need to plan my life. And after some weeks he said: I don't know what to tell my friends. It is starting to stress me out that I don't know what to tell them, or even myself.... He made hints like that, and it really stressed me. It also pushed me in the right direction. I was at at torn point in my life, I was still moarning my ex and I felt very pressured by him. But the thing is, sometimes preassure if a good thing. Just because we feel lost ourselves, we have a responsability towards other people and even ourselves to make up our mind.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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