Codependency kills relationships..

[Kitten_mittens]

So I mentioned on here before valentines that I was going to break up with my SO.. Well I did.. and then got back with him because I decided all our problems were my fault because I'm codependent and I was so sure I could fix them by working through a book on codependency.. I was SO wrong. It takes a lot of work to improve codependency and if you're in a relationship with someone who is also codependent (and not trying to improve) it's much harder. Consequently, I am now single. And really depressed. I'm trying to work on myself and I hope to be able to go back to see my counselor soon and talk about getting more help for my codependency problems.
I feel kind of hopeless in having a happy successful relationship as all my past ones I have destroyed. I also find myself hoping to get back with my ex again, which I know is really bad.. I keep thinking about the beginning of our relationship and how it was all so perfect and we did have some really good moments where there was so much chemistry and fire. Maybe I need to stop blaming myself for destroying the passion. I don't know. Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry it's a pointless post.

[Ahava]

Hey girl! Nice to see you around!
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. Happy thoughts and hugs your way

[80anthea]

What do you mean by codependency? It's not a term I'm familiar with....I could Google it but it might not be what you refer to.

[Ahava]

Oh yeah, I wanted to add one more thing. You are only 24 so don't give up just yet!
If I have managed to find a fantastic fella who makes me happy and vice versa and really feel the relationship is great (after all the frogs I went through and felt like love wasn't meant to be for me) I know there is hope for you too.
There is truth to the saying that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Oh yeah, I wanted to add one more thing. You are only 24 so don't give up just yet!
If I have managed to find a fantastic fella who makes me happy and vice versa and really feel the relationship is great (after all the frogs I went through and felt like love wasn't meant to be for me) I know there is hope for you too.
There is truth to the saying that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else.

Yes, that is something I'm working on, learning to love myself, so I can love him better. I had a life coaching session this morning, and suddenly the Light bulb went on, and I see what's been lacking all this time, but this time I was actually given some tools to work with, some homework, and a source of support for the times I'm feeling frustrated and ready to give up on the whole thing. I have hope this time.

[Kitten_mittens]

What do you mean by codependency? It's not a term I'm familiar with....I could Google it but it might not be what you refer to.

Codependency is where you depend on others for your self worth and happiness. It's essentially being too needy. Codependent people tend to need more emotional validation than most, they struggle with really low self worth, and tend to blame others for how they feel. Resentment is common in codependent relationships as due to fear of rejection or conflict a lot of emotions will be held in and not expressed.. I'm guilty of all of this. It stems from my not-so-great childhood..

[Kitten_mittens]

And thank you Ahava =] You are always so nice.

[roosie]

I think you have already taken the first step by becoming aware of your issues and the reasons behind them. That level of self-awareness is a good starting point for counseling. I hope you feel better soon and can be in a healthy relationship one day when you are ready.

[80anthea]

Codependency is where you depend on others for your self worth and happiness. It's essentially being too needy. Codependent people tend to need more emotional validation than most, they struggle with really low self worth, and tend to blame others for how they feel. Resentment is common in codependent relationships as due to fear of rejection or conflict a lot of emotions will be held in and not expressed.. I'm guilty of all of this. It stems from my not-so-great childhood..

Well, good on you for recognising it and taking some action. I have the utmost respect for you I'm sure with time you'll find someone awesome who loves you just the way you are and recognises this awesomeness for himself.

[piratemama]

It's good to hear from you, but I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. You are an amazing person with your insight and goals. I hope the counseling will help. Hang in there for your prince will come, as Disney says.

[Kitten_mittens]

It's good to hear from you, but I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. You are an amazing person with your insight and goals. I hope the counseling will help. Hang in there for your prince will come, as Disney says.

Thanks piratemama.=] I've missed being on here but seeing all the posts about visits and closing the distance kept getting me down as I knew I would not likely get to experience either. I'm slowly coming to terms with my relationship's end. I know it's for the better at least.

[differentcountries]

You are very brave for facing your shortcomings and dealing with them.

[nottheprincesspeach]

You are very brave for facing your shortcomings and dealing with them.

I agree. This is the best thing anyone can do. I've had to deal with mental health issues to help my relationships. It has made a world of difference and lead me to more healthy relationships. It's amazing what you are doing even though it is difficult.

[NerdyChick]

The first step in turning something around is recognizing the problem. And you have done that, which is always one of the most difficult steps. I know several people who have co-dependency issues, and it is very life impacting for them, but they just never can recognize it. You have done what they couldn't, you took a step back and identified what was going on. I commend you for your strength and determination. As someone who's been there, please don't just think of everything you have lost due to it, recognize that you now have so much to gain! As Maya Angelou said: "When you know better, you do better." It can be hard to see things when you are caught right in the middle of them, everything feels like a whirl wind, so don't blame yourself, be kind to yourself. So many others will never recognize or do the self exploration needed to confront themselves like you are doing now. I don't even really know you, but I feel proud of you, because when I see people doing what you are doing, I just want to cheer them on. I've been there, so I know what it's like and I can't help but be proud of those who choose to take that giant step forward.

[Kitten_mittens]

Thank you so much everyone for the love and support. It means a lot to me. Thank you.