First meeting/visit

[KrazyKat]

My gf and I are planning our first meeting/visit this August and I would like some advice. She wants to stay for at least a month and I'm kinda of nervous about the first meeting being that long. She would be staying with my fiancee, myself, and we might possibly be getting a roommate (a good friend of ours). I don't want things to be awkward because you never really know if things are going to be as good in person as they are LD.

We've known each other for about six years, talked and dated off and on throughout (we were dating most of that time). As of right now we've been together for a year and 2.5 months, and it's sooo different this time. In the past we had some rough times, I wasn't sure if I could fully trust her or believe what she was saying to me. I knew she was lying and hiding things. And this time, I know she's changed, I know I can trust her and that she isn't lying to me. I've learned so much about her and her life and her family, things she never used to open up about. Our communication is a lot better now, we're both open and honest and bring up any concerns we might have about things. Things are pretty amazing this time around and I can't imagine things not going well in person, but I am realistic, I know it could happen, and I don't want anyone to feel awkward or stuck.

So basically I'm just looking for a bit of advice on how long first visits should be. How long were yours? What was your mindset going into it/choosing the length of the visit?

[lucybelle]

Just to clear something up, do you have a fiance AND girlfriend?

A month does seem long for a first visit. Is it possible for you to visit her first for maybe 5 days or a week, then if all goes well she comes to you for a month?

[KrazyKat]

Yes I have.. well not exactly a fiance, we've had a commitment ceremony but most likely won't be getting legally married.

She really wants to come here first and I have NEVER been on a plane and never been out of the country (other than to Canada which is only hours away from me and that was when I was 13). I have social phobia as well as generalized anxiety disorder and I just don't think I could handle being the one doing the travelling for our first visit. So since she really really wants to come here anyways, that is our plan. I suggested 2 weeks for the visit and she said she knows she won't want to leave. If things go how I think they would go I definitely wouldn't want any less than 2 weeks and I would want her to stay longer as well.

[differentcountries]

I think too it should be at least one -two weeks for such s long trip. But a month is long for the first visit, it can be good to get some headspace even if the trip is good. Good luck on the first visit

Have your finance and your girlfriend had contact during your relationship? Have you talked about sleeping arrangements?

My boyfriend and my husband will meet in person for the first time in two weeks. That will be exciting in itself as they have only seen each other on Skype until now. We plan to rent two places for the boys and I will move in between.

[KrazyKat]

Yes she would be staying with us. And yes they know each other and talk to each other.

[KrazyKat]

We are looking for a 3 bedroom house to rent so she would have her own room when she visits. If nothing else she would get our bed and the air mattress would be pulled out of storage.

[80anthea]

Could she get a hotel for part of the trip? Or have a back up plan to go and explore some of the country for a week of the visit?

[squeeker]

Whatever the trip, she should have other arrangements in case things don't work out.

I went to see my boyfriend for the first time for 2 weeks, and my parents thought that was too long, it went by super quick, but I think it was probably perfect for a first visit because since it was international, we wanted to have it long enough because flights are expensive, but I didn't want to worry my parents too long with a longer visit and it's just safer to go for a smaller amount of time for that first visit, because you are getting used to each other. And talk about your expectations and don't have too high expectations for a first visit, just because your main focus should be getting comfortable talking with each other.

In my mind 2 weeks was a perfect first visit, of course no time is ever enough, but for a first visit, it's just smarter to not schedule it for too long.. it might be different if she has other friends in the country or other site seeing adventures she wants to do.. I know some people on this forum have had longer first visits.. but I don't know.. also depends on how much money she is bringing and things probably. I think for an international first visit, the best time frame is 1 week to 1 month max.. it would probably be okay.. but then again I don't know your situation and I don't know you guys so.. I'm sure you will make a good decision and the first meetings are great.. but she should have backup plans on the chance things don't work out..

[KrazyKat]

I told her if she ever feels uncomfortable we can get her a hotel room. And she does know other people in the country, not in this area but she has friends all over the US that are asking her to come see them when she comes here. I try talking to her about back up plans but she pretty much says "nothing's gonna go wrong, I can tell." But before we book her flight and all that I will make sure there is a more definite back up plan.

That is exactly what I was thinking, 2 weeks would be worth the money and hassle but not be too long for a first visit.

[kittyo9]

My first visit (the first time I met my SO in person) was more than three weeks long. I wanted to make the most out of our time together. We had already been together for 2 years and were not interested in spending any less time together than we were able to! When I arranged my trip, I made sure to get the name, address, and number of a couple hostels nearby so that if something happened, I could go stay there until my return flight. I also had the number of one of my aunt's friends who lives in the area, so I could visit them and ask them for help if needed.

[Moon]

Since you don't seem to be getting through to her, I think you need to make sure to have the money to buy her a return ticket, if needed. Always have a backup plan, just in case. That said, I think two weeks would be just the right amount of time.

[differentcountries]

In additon to money, a usable credit card is always good to have on a trip. I have a travel credit card that I never use, I just keep it as backup always and it adds to my safety when I travel.

[KrazyKat]

I think it's not so much that she doesn't want to make back up plans, it's more of a I like to plan waaaay ahead and she doesn't so she thinks I'm crazy for asking about back up plans 5 months before she's supposed to come. We'll have something worked out by then, and as I said, a hotel is always an option. Also I'll be making sure the dates for the tickets can be changed if need be. Credit card is a good idea, I'll look into getting one or ask her if she has one she can use.

[standingoutsidethefire]

My SO and I were originally going to do 2 weeks, but decided to visit each other for 10 days. Anything less than that wouldn't be enough time, plus it will take us both a couple of days to adjust to the time difference. While a month sounds really awesome, even I wouldn't want to be gone for that long.