Drifting Apart

[laura_89]

Hi everyone.
Been feeling a bit down lately so I joined to get some advice.
My SO and I have been together for 3 years and 7 months but now I feel like we are drifting apart. It's hard at the moment cause he is working long hours at his job and he's been going through a bit of a bad time which I completely understand but I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. We use to talk for hours on a night but now I barely get 5 mins if I even get that. When I do get him to talk to me it feels like really hard work for him and it shouldn't be. If I bring it up he gets all angry and then we start arguing and then that ends the conversation. He is everything to me and my favourite part of the day is the bit when I get to talk to him. I am going to see him in 2 weeks so i'm hoping that will help with everything. I just needed to get everything off my chest to people who understand what it is like to be going through this and in an LDR. Maybe i'm just a bit of a worrier.

Has anybody else been through something like this? If so how did you get through it?

xxx

[standingoutsidethefire]

Some people react differently when they're going through a lot, be it something at work or at home. My SO isn't very verbal about his feelings, he tends to hide them or make things out to be okay when they're not. Rarely does he really complain, and I'm kind of the opposite. Just be there for him when he needs you, but in a gentle way, remind him that YOU still need him.

[ldrxoxo]

Hi everyone.
Been feeling a bit down lately so I joined to get some advice.
My SO and I have been together for 3 years and 7 months but now I feel like we are drifting apart. It's hard at the moment cause he is working long hours at his job and he's been going through a bit of a bad time which I completely understand but I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. We use to talk for hours on a night but now I barely get 5 mins if I even get that. When I do get him to talk to me it feels like really hard work for him and it shouldn't be. If I bring it up he gets all angry and then we start arguing and then that ends the conversation. He is everything to me and my favourite part of the day is the bit when I get to talk to him. I am going to see him in 2 weeks so i'm hoping that will help with everything. I just needed to get everything off my chest to people who understand what it is like to be going through this and in an LDR. Maybe i'm just a bit of a worrier.

Has anybody else been through something like this? If so how did you get through it?

xxx

Yeah, that's how it was like with me and my interest at first, too. I also tried to bring it up to him why can't we talk more like we used to? I'm not even asking for 6 hours a day, just ten minutes as well, would make me happy. I was lucky if I got a one liner text from him as a response at this point. I wasn't having it when he'd now ignore me and not get back to me until five days later when he'd used to respond and talk to me every chance he got.

I waited for him to message me for weeks and when the messages didn't come, I got fed up with waiting. That's right. It shouldn't be this hard. We'll always wonder "what if," but it's such a shame he didn't want to work for it because stuff like this doesn't happen right away.

I didn't get through it, sorry to say, that's what ended us because he wouldn't compromise. We were supposed to be friends, too, and friends don't ignore each other. I knew he couldn't be just friends with me because if he was able to, he would have been just friends and not felt the need to ignore me and treat me like a regular friend he sees in person, except only he doesn't see me in person.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

It's taken me 4 years to finally understand and accept our pattern. We don't have a lot of chat time or Skype time. Sometimes we go a few days with no contact. With his job, family obligations, etc., he can't always be online with me as much as he would like, and as much as I need. It drives me nuts sometimes, but I understand. He told me yesterday that he's been working 70 hours a week, working toward semi-retirement in a couple of months. Then he will cut his hours way back. So now I know why he sometimes falls asleep on chat, doesn't reply to my messages or Tweets for several hours sometimes, and Skypes sporadically. But that is no reason to break up with him. We love each other, no matter what.

To get through an LDR, it takes a lot of patience, understanding, and acceptance. And I've had to also learn to be happy and stay busy on my own...because he can't be with me 24/7. He has his world, and I have mine, and sometimes time zones, and life, can get in the way. But when we have time for us, in our own online world, it's worth it.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hi everyone.
Been feeling a bit down lately so I joined to get some advice.
My SO and I have been together for 3 years and 7 months but now I feel like we are drifting apart. It's hard at the moment cause he is working long hours at his job and he's been going through a bit of a bad time which I completely understand but I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. We use to talk for hours on a night but now I barely get 5 mins if I even get that. When I do get him to talk to me it feels like really hard work for him and it shouldn't be. If I bring it up he gets all angry and then we start arguing and then that ends the conversation. He is everything to me and my favourite part of the day is the bit when I get to talk to him. I am going to see him in 2 weeks so i'm hoping that will help with everything. I just needed to get everything off my chest to people who understand what it is like to be going through this and in an LDR. Maybe i'm just a bit of a worrier.

Has anybody else been through something like this? If so how did you get through it?

xxx

Try to take the pressure off him. Try to understand what he is going through, working long hours, and having problems. Don't push him, pressure him, or expect more than he can give you right now. If he can't handle phone calls/Skype or chat, etc. just send him e-mail, special e-cards, photos of yourself, just to show your love for him, without demanding attention. E-mail is less demanding than a ringing phone. You could even send him a voice message to his e-mail, occasionally. When he is under less stress, he will come back. Then you can ask him for what you need. Meanwhile, you keep yourself busy and happy.

[differentcountries]

Hi, my SO live in Turkey too. Worklife there can be crazy sometimes. In the beginning my SO was shy to letters me know how tired he was at the end of the day. He is the one with the physical tough job, so usually I let him decide. Even skipping Skype some nights is ok too, then he is usually fresher the next day. I treasure the sometimes long nights when they happen, but 5 min is good, too. I can see in his eyes that he loves me, and we plan visits. I wonder, in what way do you go about to bring up your concern? Because Turks to my experience easily shift between those modes of very polite to blunt straightforwardness. If you want beyond those two modes, you must be clever. Have you considered the possibility that him bring tired makes it hard to talk to you, and even may make him angry? It could be he is withdrawing because you insist he chose to avoid you, aka you are not really interested in his story. Have you tried non violent communication (focused on needs)? I noticed I can turn my SO (and myself) completely by this tool, even if I use it in the short version, like saying I need to understand. No demands, just asking him if he will consider helping me to get clarity.

[laura_89]

Hi, my SO live in Turkey too. Worklife there can be crazy sometimes. In the beginning my SO was shy to letters me know how tired he was at the end of the day. He is the one with the physical tough job, so usually I let him decide. Even skipping Skype some nights is ok too, then he is usually fresher the next day. I treasure the sometimes long nights when they happen, but 5 min is good, too. I can see in his eyes that he loves me, and we plan visits. I wonder, in what way do you go about to bring up your concern? Because Turks to my experience easily shift between those modes of very polite to blunt straightforwardness. If you want beyond those two modes, you must be clever. Have you considered the possibility that him bring tired makes it hard to talk to you, and even may make him angry? It could be he is withdrawing because you insist he chose to avoid you, aka you are not really interested in his story. Have you tried non violent communication (focused on needs)? I noticed I can turn my SO (and myself) completely by this tool, even if I use it in the short version, like saying I need to understand. No demands, just asking him if he will consider helping me to get clarity.

Oh I agree with you completely about Turks and what they are like but I don't think it is cause I am not interested in his story. I am the one who helped him through all of his problems and I don't push him for anything at all. Thank you for the reply. I can agree with you on many points and it is good to see it from someone else's view xxx

[laura_89]

Thank you all for the comments and I do feel a bit better that it is not just me who sometimes feels this way. One of the pitfalls of an LDR. I will be seeing my SO in less than 2 weeks so I will just keep focusing on that. xxx

[differentcountries]

Oh I agree with you completely about Turks and what they are like but I don't think it is cause I am not interested in his story. I am the one who helped him through all of his problems and I don't push him for anything at all. Thank you for the reply. I can agree with you on many points and it is good to see it from someone else's view xxx

I actually assume you are very interested! - it was just a suggestion for a different strategy. NVC need-talk is great for dealing with anger. It is good you see him soon, and perhaps it will be better to talk in person. Let us know how you are doing after the visit

[miza]

i would calm down and gain some self control, stop complaining and wait to see what happens

arguing won't make things better...trust me on this one

[Jaac]

My SO also works a lot. Mostly 6 or 7 days for 10 hours a day. With the time difference included, it can be hard for him to be available when I want to chat with him.
He also sometimes falls asleep during a chat (How is that possible?!) and some days we only get to say goodmorning, how are you and goodnight.
Some days it bothers me because I feel like we should talk more often. But I know that when he does have time he uses it to chat with me, eventhough it's only 15 minutes.

The wrong thing to do is to constantly bring it up. Keeping on asking him to chat more, or why he doesnt have/make time.
That will only piss him off. He might be doing his best to chat with you when he does have time. It's frustrating when it feels like someone doesn't appreciate the effords you make, and when you keep on bringing it up might feel like that for him.

Try and make a good time of the 5 minutes you do get to chat. Eventhough it's short, it's better than not having him in your life at al, ey?
I don't know how long it's been going on for you, but I would just wait and see how things are when you meet again. Everything will probably be fine!

[Katuray]

I, too, have had to deal with something like this. In the beginning there was never a day that my partner and I wouldn't talk. And then he started going through a rough patch and I totally agree that Turks might not be the most expressive people when it comes to their emotions. My SO prefers to keep his problems to himself so as not to worry his family. I'm glad though that he feels comfortable enough to talk about them with me.

Being that in our culture, people in relationships usually stick to each other like glue, I was somehow taken aback with how realistic and logical his point of view is. I remember he even told me once "I cannot always be around". It was something I know to be true and I found his honesty and straightforwardness a welcome relief. Our relationship has matured my way of thinking, and I can't help but feel that there really is something to be said about being in a relationship where you don't have to worry all the time. Of course, I felt it was important that I also communicate to him what I needed and what makes me happy is that he made an effort to adjust, too. The little things do speak a lot.

It saddens me to hear about what you're going through. And I really hope that the title of your thread would be proven wrong once you visit him. Keep us posted and I'm crossing my fingers for you!

[laura_89]

Thank you all for the kind comments. I backed off a bit and didn't constantly feel the need to talk to him every day. Just difficult when you are use to the conversations every day. The fact I was gonna see him soon was keeping me going.
However I am due to fly out tomorrow to see him and 2 days ago he tells me that there is likely he won't be able to see me if I go over. He is a sailor and recently got a new job on a boat and the captain has moved the boat to a different place not where he lives. This has thrown a spanner in the works now cause this was gonna be my last time to see him till season is over which is Oct/Nov. Everything is a mess now and I don't know what I am going to do.
I know it's not his fault and he's just doing his job and there is nothing he can do about it but it's just upset me a lot. I have only seen him once this year and just the thought of not seeing him for another 8 months is just horrible.