Is there any hope with this relationship?

[carlose1886]

Hello for those who read my first post about my situation after meeting a girl from Austria who lives in Italy for 6 weeks.

Well.... so far things have been going up and down. We end up in arguments or sometimes in a bad mood. That we hardly talk. We haven't talked on skype for almost a month now since things haven't been going well. I always wonder if there is something wrong with me or with her or with each other. It doesn't seem to make any sense. I wanted to talk about our future but it didn't come around or when I try to talk about it she's not in a good mood or I don't seem to have told her the right way or something. I sometimes wonder if it's just me thats making her this way. There are time when we talk about the things we did or the places we been too. I mention how much I miss it so much. She would replay "Oh yea but you chose to go back and not stay." When hearing that I tend to feel much worst. Is she trying to make me feel guilty? It's not that I left her. I have a job I need to keep. I mean been with the company for 7 years already and maxium pay with bonus I don't want to lose that. We got into a fight recently well I didn't understand why we did. I told her it was my mums birthday and also Easter Sunday. Of course my Mums birthday is more important. She knows about it. She decides I should go spend time with family. In a way I hardly ever do. I asked her if she was sure about it since she is byherself. I told her I didn't want to leave her alone. But she insisted...so I had to make sure she will be okay. She said she was well hours later I came back to write her a message and she responded. We had a small talk and then became an argument. She told me that "I value my family more the I value her." I mean I know family is very important to me. Maybe not to her. But I remember telling her that before. Out of no where she mentions she was planning to move to California with me. But then decided not to because of the fight. Which got me to feel bad. I asked if she is telling me the truth or just saying to make me feel bad.....She ended up not responding me. While I sat there and pretty much laid in bed sad..... Today we talked a bit and hearing what she said to me about wanting to move to California. I was so stupid that I had to find out. It was bugging me all night. I asked her about it and asked for an answer. All I got was "What you think I'm a liar. I see how you think of me. We have no future together. Then she mentions she going out for a bit. Haven't heard from her for about an hour and a half..... Well things haven't been going well. I don't know where I see myself in this situation. We are talking now....that is we finally calmed down. But I wonder if there is any hope for us to. She says I changed and well I feel she's been mean. I really don't know what to say especially when my siblings are asking me about her. But that doesn't bother me. Just what she said about moving here is true or only a way to hurt me....?

[jezebot]

Wow, that's rough. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like she's not being very mature-- getting jealous of the time you spent with your family on your mom's birthday, especially when you were so sensitive to her needs. It doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong. She just may not be able to cope with the difficulties inherent in an LDR. Reassure her that you love her and want a future together, but also explain that you need time with your family. That's not an unreasonable demand. Ask if there is some way to compromise. Could you set up one or two nights a week for just the two of you?

[differentcountries]

Ask her if she has got any suggestions about how you can do things better. Tell her that her being so suspicous of the way who phraze things make you feel it is hard to talk to her. Especially since she is not always careful herself. You should always make the effort to see it from the other person 's point of view. Perhaps she really doesn't understand what economical security means to you. Perhaps her family treated her bad and she have a hard time realizing family can be ok for you. I know it can sometimes be hard for SO to realize what my life is like and vice versa. I believe you can make it if you are really curious about the other person.

[Moon]

carlose, don't let women treat you like that, you deserve better. She sounds like someone who thrives on drama and fighting, and likes playing games. That's not normal. Don't put up with that, have a conversation and make it very clear that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, yeah she'll get mad and probably have a temper tantrum, but stick to it. If she cares about you, it'll be OK. Good luck.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm with Moon on this. Don't give in to the attention-seeking from her, because it just reinforces that it 'works' and she gets her way. If she starts with the guilt trips about things like seeing family, I would just say something about how she's very important to you, but so is family, and this conversation is making you both upset so you're going to go for awhile. You could also be clear that if it's going to work, she needs to be on your team, not accusing you and guilt tripping and having these fights and drama seeking behaviors.
And then take some time to let her think. She'll probably have a tantrum, text you a lot, etc. but don't give in to it unless she calms down and wants to behave like an adult.

As for the moving thing, it does sound a bit like a guilt trip, especially if you guys haven't talked about it before, but I don't know enough about the situation or her to say it's definitely a guilt trip.

But yeah.. it definitely doesn't sound like she's being fair to you at all, and no matter how difficult an LDR is on her, it's difficult on you, too, so don't excuse her behavior.