How do you cheer him up when we are this far?

[cloud9]

Hey everyone! Haven't posted on here in a very while. If you are interested since I have been gone, check out my about me! Long story short we FINALLY met and it was the most magical moment/vacation/holiday so far in our lives

It's been a little over a month and half since I have been back from visiting him and all honesty, I feel like we are taking a step back in our relationship, than a step forward like we did when I was there. Since I've been back, I applied for a Working Holiday Scheme (visa) and I recently got approved! This visa allows me to live and work there for 12 months and currently I am trying to save up as much money before my goal month to leave (November or December)

Now before I say this, my significant other, Laurence, is not a loser or your typical guy who sits around all day and plays video games. He's adventurous, charming, intelligent, wonderful, etc. but isn't currently employed. He has started looking/applying to jobs since the day after I left and has had no luck. He use to have a job before our holiday but for no reason hasn't scheduled him to work and were too lazy to tell him that they don't need him anymore. For about a couple of weeks, things have not been good. He is really hard on himself, so far so, he doesn't know why someone like me wants him around or why I love him and thinks that he would be doing his family and I a favor if he disappeared to be never seen again. He isn't ever like this so of course this worries me. I mentioned about jobs to him yesterday and he yelled at me saying 'I KNOW!' ...we honestly don't argue or ever yell at each other the way he yelled at me. I have given every ounce of my positive levels to him, looked on websites there (New Zealand) for jobs that are hiring, encouraging him it isn't him and to never speak like that to himself because he is worth while and I love/care about him deeply. But...I feel like that isn't enough. Its taking a toll on us...
I currently have two jobs and if we are wanting to have a place together and survive for a year with bills, food, etc., he needs to get a job ASAP but nothing is in his favor and I feel like there is nothing else that I can do to help.

So I have mentioned to him that if he doesn't have a job within the next month, we need to consider thinking this visa twice. There is also the other option; him coming here for a year and getting a job/place together. It is very difficult to get a job where he is at but in America, not that hard if you aren't a criminal and have at least a high school diploma. He has a bachelors in Computer Science and is very intelligent. I'm letting him sleep on the idea and maybe when his year is over I could go back with him and do the same.


Would appreciate your thoughts, questions, concerns...anything.

Thanks for reading

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hey everyone! Haven't posted on here in a very while. If you are interested since I have been gone, check out my about me! Long story short we FINALLY met and it was the most magical moment/vacation/holiday so far in our lives

It's been a little over a month and half since I have been back from visiting him and all honesty, I feel like we are taking a step back in our relationship, than a step forward like we did when I was there. Since I've been back, I applied for a Working Holiday Scheme (visa) and I recently got approved! This visa allows me to live and work there for 12 months and currently I am trying to save up as much money before my goal month to leave (November or December)

Now before I say this, my significant other, Laurence, is not a loser or your typical guy who sits around all day and plays video games. He's adventurous, charming, intelligent, wonderful, etc. but isn't currently employed. He has started looking/applying to jobs since the day after I left and has had no luck. He use to have a job before our holiday but for no reason hasn't scheduled him to work and were too lazy to tell him that they don't need him anymore. For about a couple of weeks, things have not been good. He is really hard on himself, so far so, he doesn't know why someone like me wants him around or why I love him and thinks that he would be doing his family and I a favor if he disappeared to be never seen again. He isn't ever like this so of course this worries me. I mentioned about jobs to him yesterday and he yelled at me saying 'I KNOW!' ...we honestly don't argue or ever yell at each other the way he yelled at me. I have given every ounce of my positive levels to him, looked on websites there (New Zealand) for jobs that are hiring, encouraging him it isn't him and to never speak like that to himself because he is worth while and I love/care about him deeply. But...I feel like that isn't enough. Its taking a toll on us...
I currently have two jobs and if we are wanting to have a place together and survive for a year with bills, food, etc., he needs to get a job ASAP but nothing is in his favor and I feel like there is nothing else that I can do to help.

So I have mentioned to him that if he doesn't have a job within the next month, we need to consider thinking this visa twice. There is also the other option; him coming here for a year and getting a job/place together. It is very difficult to get a job where he is at but in America, not that hard if you aren't a criminal and have at least a high school diploma. He has a bachelors in Computer Science and is very intelligent. I'm letting him sleep on the idea and maybe when his year is over I could go back with him and do the same.


Would appreciate your thoughts, questions, concerns...anything.

Thanks for reading

That's rough on him, and on you. But, it seems you might be, inadvertently making it rougher for him by pressuring him. Perhaps you need to slow down, and consider staying LD until he can get a job and get back on his feet. He is probably very stressed out right now, discouraged, and feels like he is letting you down. Give him some space, don't talk about the job situation, or about the visa, or moving or anything related to it. Don't try to fix his problem. Just reassure him that you love him and accept him as he is, and that you have faith in him. And for goodness sake, don't put a time limit on it. And don't give him ultimatums. That will just backfire on you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with Aussie.. finding yourself abruptly unemployed is a major blow to a lot of people's egos, and it clearly is to your SO since he's expressed his feelings of worthlessness and wondering why you even want to be with him, etc. I think you're on the right track with reminding him that he's worthwhile and that his unemployment is temporary, but I think you're pressuring him a lot. I'm sure he feels like he's letting you down and that you not being able to go to NZ would be all his fault. I think you guys might need to discuss staying LD for awhile, and making it a positive decision so that you can both save money and be in a better place over the long term.

As for him getting a job here, unfortunately it's not as easy as you mention.. it's actually fairly difficult in most cases.
His best bet would be to have a company sponsor him so that he can get a work visa, but that can be a challenging and lengthy process in itself. Like in NZ, a company would need to hire a foreigner that has skills they couldn't find with a citizen applicant, and with the current job situation in the US, he's unlikely to be taken on for a lot of basic/entry-level/non-niche jobs.

There are visa lotteries, where you don't have to necessarily have those exceptional skills and be sponsored by a company, but I think they've already done 2014's lottery, and it's relatively random, and a small percentage of the total people trying to get visas.

There's also the marriage way in, but there are still waiting periods on working with that I *think*.. and with you being fairly young and your relationship fairly new, I don't think it would be advisable to be doing marriage-for-convenience at this point.

What option for visa/work were you guys thinking he could try if he came here? I'm just not sure there's something that would really work. We don't really have a working holiday visa, for example. (Except I think for recent UK/Ireland students? Something weird like that.)

So yeah. I don't mean this to be super disheartening, I just think that with the way things are at the moment, you guys' best bet is to have a discussion about how you can make LDR more satisfying for awhile and keep doing that until your SO is back on his feet and there can be another discussion.

Good luck!

[cloud9]

Thank you Aussie and Silvermoon for taking the time to fully understand, read, and give great advice. I appreciate it and will definitly tone it down a few notches(sorry if I spelled that wrong). I for sure don't want to pressure him anymore than I already have, which I didn't mean to do but geeze, I feel like an idiot now. Will work things through and let him have his space

Thanks again and will update whenever there is a change