should I break the ice?

[moi]

Hi. Thank you for reading my post.

We've been married 10 months but my husband is away to get credits for college at the moment. I work in Japan and he lives in the us. After he gets his credits he wants to transfer one of university here in Tokyo.

He came to visit for 2 weeks in January and he left again to attend his winter semester. Since like mid-March we started argue a lot. I think it's because of me being frustrated and not being able to talk to him as much as I wanted to. I know that I was insecure.

About 2 weeks ago, we got in a fight. I think it was my fault because I was being grumpy since he didn't call me (when he said he would). That day I waited him (of course I texted him but no answer for like 8 hrs) but he was out taking care of things I didn't know till he came back and said so. And it's normally like this way, he can't say before he gets busy or so to let me know and I always get mad at it. And that day I was super mad that he did that to me again and that day I got him a plane ticket for summer so I really wanted to talk to him about it. By the time he called, I was mad. Couldn't talk much but blaming him on keeping me hanging like this again. His phone died but it was late and he was tired so he went to bed while charging. But I called and called him back crying. The next morning I finally got to talk but I was still mad and I kept going. He hung up on me and that was it. I did get to talk to him few days after but for a short while, but since then his Skype isn't online and I don't think he has checked my texts. He sent me some emails telling me about his situation a bit. He says that his financial I'd tight. After hearing it I asked him how much does he need (and I know it wasn't a good way to ask anyone but I thought I should help him as much I could). He hasn't said anything
like how much he needs. I also told him about what I can do, and about the ticket I got. I got a reply a few days after saying he loves me and he will reply the next day but of course I haven't received. It was like 3 days ago.

He won't answer his phone, he's been offline, and all I can do is maybe send him emails but I don't know if he reads them. I am a friend with his ex and she says that it's better to wait, till he calms down with his stress but with the distance I don't know what to do. Should I give him space or should I send him emails telling like how my day was and such? I would like to hear your opinion. Thank you.

[Alsfia]

I'm sorry if I come across offensive or blunt but I really just try to help.

You're married. If you want to stay married to each other, you two need to work on your communication. He can't leave you hanging around waiting for a promised call or text and you can't blow up in his face if he doest. It sounds like you both could use some practise in non-aggressive communication ("I feel"-statements instead of "you make me feel" and so on) and maybe even a third party (counsellor) to help you through this rough patch. Anyhow, now is not a time to play games.

As for contacting him, you really need to have a talk about all this, so I would send him a mail saying just that, you need to talk if you want this relationship to work, in a calm and adult way. Maybe set specific times to talk (could be just like 20 minutes a day with a "date night" for a couple hours once a week) and agree to send a text or in any other way let each other know if you can't make it. It probably won't work perfectly to start with, and you should acknowledge that, but it's important to really try if you want to make it work.

[Alsfia]

Sorry, double post.

Best of luck anyway

[OperaDiva]

Seconding what Alsfia said - you need to learn to communicate, both of you, and you should start right now. I don't know how long you have been together (before the marriage), but I am surprised you have not learned healthy ways to resolve conflicts before getting married.
Also, how old is your husband? His behavior does not strike me as very mature. It would be a huge red flag for me if my SO left me hanging for hours without even a text, or an e-mail, regardless of how tired he may be. Hanging up on your SO, and being offline for days with no explanation are also bad signs imo, and too immature and inconsiderate.

[moi]

Thank you Alsfia. Your reply isn't offensive nor bland at all. It was like a slap in my face in a good way. Thank you

I do agree. We need to work on communication. At least me, I should be better when he says something not just be mad and fight.

And thank you for the suggestion. I think I was using `you make` comments a lot lately.

I am not sure and I do need courage to break the ice still. Last time he emailed he said he was having financial problem. I wrote him and called him if he needs help I am here but I guess I was aggressive. He asked me with money to fix his car that he got in an accident. Somebody hit his car and he needed to pay deductible but he couldn't afford. He said he would return the money but I knew it wouldn't so I think I gave him lots of shite. I also told him we are married so I didn't want to lend money because it is ours. To be honest I hate being his lender as he has borrowed from me about 5000 dollars so far, but I don't really mind if he just ask for it not telling me that he will return. But anyways. I will tell him tonight how I feel.

[moi]

Thank you OperaDiva. I know that we need to learn how to communicate more as I really learnt from this no communication time at the moment.
We've been together 2 years before we got married. He is 29 and I am 33. He has been the one who makes dough (quite a lot) until he started going to college. His mother neglected her 4 children so he was the responsible one as he is the eldest. He has solved problems by himself and he likes to have everything in control in his hand, (I a, not saying in relationship wise but monetary wise) but lately he's been sort of failing. As I wrote in Alsfia`s reply, he has asked me about money to borrow but I've given him complains as he was saying he wanted to borrow. Borrowing is from your girlfriend and I am married to you so its yours if you need, that's what I said. He was saying in his lastbemail that he feels too tight to feel comfortable with his finance at the moment. And I responded him like how much do you need? But i think to him it was harsh. So actually he explained to me before he went offline so I thought he needed some space. Of course I sent him emails in between the time but I really didn't know what to do that's why I came here to seek help.

Maybe I should write him an email telling him I was bad and sorry. Because re-reading the texts we sent to each other, I was mad and was insecure that I wasn't being able to reach him when I needed to (which was all the time, and I was really assuming that he should be available when I text/call him) so I think I had pushed his buttons before he got drawned like this.

[OperaDiva]

If you feel that you should apologize, do it, but I think it has to be face-to-face. It is always hard to talk about money, especially when you don't have any (I know that all too well), but it is something you should learn how to do, without judging, attacking, or imposing your way on the other. Tell him how you feel, again, without attacking or getting emotional. You obviously have a lot to talk about. Good luck!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with OperaDiva, there are major communication issues here, among other things.

"Break the ice" like he's been ignoring you and you're wondering if you should reach out first?
This all seems a very odd for a marriage, honestly.

I think you guys need to set aside a time when you can hash everything out in non-attacky ways, agree to be calm and patient with each other, really listen to the other person's concerns, and come up with a plan for moving forward.

Good luck!

[snow]

I don't really get it. You are married and he is tight on money. You offered to give him money and he got upset over this?
Maybe I have a different conception of marriage, but isn't it supposed to be that the money you two earn should be your money as a married couple? I can see that you want to treat yourself to things, because you earn the money, but if your partner needs it and you have it, you should help each other out and your partner should accept it.

[differentcountries]

It seems to me like you have forgotten to discuss some perticular aspects of your relationship/marriage. Like; how do you deal with money? Do you have joint accounts, some joint accounts or are each of your money your own? If you have some or all shared accounts, what are your rules for making and spening money?

Also, some general tequniques for dealing with problems seems to be missing. You seem to nag him while he shuns communication, and making each other worse. One of you will have to stop this trend. Most likely it will have to be you.

Like, scolding someone who just had an accident is very, very tempting, especially when you will have to chip in to make up for it, but really there is no point. Ever. What is done is done, and probably the person who did it already beat themselves up about it before you joined in so it is really like beating a dead horse. There is nothing to be done about it exepct picking up the pieces and finding the money. I mean, I behaved totally unpolite towards my husband when he broke our (fairly old) computer. But hindsight it was wrong of me. It could just as easily have been me, and we were equally stupid to not get a back-up sooner (and lucky that we saved all our documents).

As for solutions, I will suggest going for the Love languages. Do you feel most loved by physical touch (and things similar to touch, like looking each other in the eyes), words of praise/complimants, quality time, gifts or the other person being of service? And do you know what the other person prefers, and are you willing to explore what that could mean? You need a way to reach each other, and the love languages is a great way to do that. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[moi]

Well... I tried. I emailed him last night and I tried to call his mobile. Didn't know Facebook had a feature that I could call, so I tried but he didn't answer. He actually got cut the line on Facebook, so now the phone feature is grayed out. I really don't know what to do. Should I just keep sending him emails?

Well, money talk, we have already talked a about it. He has a scholarship so he said he should be fine. Of course I have helped him in the past when he needed because we askl know students are always broke. But it got my nerve actually and I know he is trying to be nice, by saying can I borrow? But I didn't like the way he says. Of course i told him its ours, but like I said he used to make lots and its not what he does any more but I guess he has too high pride for it.
I really don't know. I know its not easy because we are married but should I tell him if this lasts long, we should end this relationship? I know it sucks and hard but I have no idea what's going on (he said once that anybody could tell he isn't normal at the moment, even from the distance, and yes, not being able to contact is ridiculous and weird. He should tell he needs space or something at least)
I have to stay at a hospital due to the stress and I told him that I will be away but still be asble to contact me if he needs but no answer. There's no place for me there and that's how I feel. I really don't know what to do

[silvermoonfairy3]

How long has it been since he started ignoring you/when did you two last talk?

This is super weird. It's not husband behavior.

[moi]

Well its been 2 weeks and 1 day. But in between, we talked 3 times and got emails 3 times. Apparently he knows that I called because now his mobile phone goes straight tgo answer machine (he never answers anyway because he will be charged internwtiomslly ) and like I said, I called him through Facebook because that was the only way but apparently he disconnected. Its grey so I can't call him any more unless he's online? Just sent a message to his sister. I've been in contact with his ex fior a while but of course they don't talk much but she's worriedf about me. Should I tell him I am worried and if he doesn't answer I will contact his local police or so? He and his fa,ily aren't in a healthy relation so I can't contact them.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Well... I tried. I emailed him last night and I tried to call his mobile. Didn't know Facebook had a feature that I could call, so I tried but he didn't answer. He actually got cut the line on Facebook, so now the phone feature is grayed out. I really don't know what to do. Should I just keep sending him emails?

Well, money talk, we have already talked a about it. He has a scholarship so he said he should be fine. Of course I have helped him in the past when he needed because we askl know students are always broke. But it got my nerve actually and I know he is trying to be nice, by saying can I borrow? But I didn't like the way he says. Of course i told him its ours, but like I said he used to make lots and its not what he does any more but I guess he has too high pride for it.
I really don't know. I know its not easy because we are married but should I tell him if this lasts long, we should end this relationship? I know it sucks and hard but I have no idea what's going on (he said once that anybody could tell he isn't normal at the moment, even from the distance, and yes, not being able to contact is ridiculous and weird. He should tell he needs space or something at least)
I have to stay at a hospital due to the stress and I told him that I will be away but still be asble to contact me if he needs but no answer. There's no place for me there and that's how I feel. I really don't know what to do

It sounds to me like he is depressed, discouraged, and probably having problems dealing with the distance, too. You mentioned that he said anyone can tell, even from a distance, that he isn't normal at the moment. That sounds like a cry for help. But you are so wrapped up in your own issues, you aren't able, at the moment, to communicate with him. So, now you have a very volatile situation. And it certainly doesn't help that he has completely blocked you on Facebook and Skype. Truthfully, I don't understand the dynamics of your marriage. It almost sounds like, rather than work things out, both of you want out of it. If you are ready to give up after only ten months of marriage, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance.

[moi]

I've asked him for help and I know it wasn't the nicest way but I want to tell him I am willing. I sent him an email last night that I would like to help if I can and I would like to work things out. I apologised for being aggressive and that I hurt him but no answer
So I am desperate and don't know whats to do.