Disturbed by the sexual past (and present) of my SO

[Indie]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently in a long distance, open relationship.

Here's the hard part...we've never actually met. Regardless, we are very in love and plan to meet when the time is right; I'm in New Zealand and he's in Hungary.

Anyway.
I have the very occasional 'one night stand'
He does the same, sometimes.

But... He told me a while ago that he uses prostitutes occasionally. I'm a very open-minded person, but there is something about this that makes my blood run cold.
It has disturbed me for a long time that the man I love, is living out his porn fantasies with these perfect, gorgeous, European prostitutes. I guess it makes me jealous, hurt, upset and disappointed. I feel bad for the girls in this situation too.

He knows it bothers me, and it has ended up in many arguments between us. But he told me last night that he would stop visiting them for me. I believe this, he is an honest person. But I'm scared that the damage has already been done. I think I see him differently now.

Should I judge him on this?
He has begged and pleaded with me not to leave him for this reason. He tells me he adores me, and I know he does.

It's just the fact that I don't know if my mind can let it go.

I'm so lost.
Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated <3

[MattDavies86]

The only thing I can think is, that there is a plus to this. At least he's not out chatting up girls and flirting and getting to know them. At least this way you know it's purely "business" if you get me, no attachment etc? Not sure if that can comfort you a little or not. Otherwise I really don't know, I know I couldn't deal with an open relationship like that, I hate my SO (wife now) to have been doing it with anybody, and I wouldn't want to do it myself.

[kittyo9]

I know that this is not as stigmatized in that area as it is in countries like NZ and the US. Some boys in Turkey are brought to brothels by their fathers when they're 12/13/14 years old to have their first "experience." Consider the culture a little bit when deciding on your feelings.

If he says he's going to stop going for you, I'd take that as a good sign that he really wants to be with you and is willing to do what he needs to in order to make it work.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'm a bit shocked that nobody here has asked the most important question: has he been using a condom?

If not, or you don't think he's being honest with you when he says no, please, please get yourself tested ASAP. Honestly, I would do it regardless, just to be sure.

[Moon]

The only thing I can think is, that there is a plus to this. At least he's not out chatting up girls and flirting and getting to know them. At least this way you know it's purely "business" if you get me, no attachment etc? Not sure if that can comfort you a little or not.

I agree with this. If you can get past the stigma of prostitution, all he's doing is transacting a business deal, and you don't form attachments to business deals. You do the deed and go, no strings, no hassles. I'm not sure why you think it's so much worse than a one night stand?

[OperaDiva]

Well, if you really want to be in a relationship with this guy, you will need to decide if you want to trust him. This has nothing to do with him and his behavior, it is something that is about you and your values - does his support his words with actions, does he communicate honestly and openly, etc.
I am curious though - why are you worried about the prostitutes? If a one-night stand does not bother you, why are they a problem? Are you worried that he will prefer them over you, or that he will leave you because he cannot be with you in that way as often as he wants? You may want to communicate that to your SO. Talk about your needs and worries, that is very important in a relationship.

[jana89]

I couldn´t do open relationship, because for me love and sex are two ends of one rope, I couldn´t sleep with someone without loving him and I couldn´t love someone and sleep with someone else, not even "very occasionaly". For me both one night stands and going to prostitutes are same disturbing. But I get that everyone is different. I just find strange that you are ok with what you do, while what your SO does makes you uncomfortable. Anyhows, I am disturbed by my SO´s sexual past as well, even though for different reasons. He told me he probably had up to 40 sexual partners. I´m still not completely ok with it, but I´m trying to get over this.

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

I'm a bit shocked that nobody here has asked the most important question: has he been using a condom?

If not, or you don't think he's being honest with you when he says no, please, please get yourself tested ASAP. Honestly, I would do it regardless, just to be sure.

If I read correctly, they've never met.. but if they were to meet and become sexually active, then I would definitely recommend getting tested.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Agree with OperaDiva and Matt.

Why is prostitute that much different than one-night stand in your head? Is it because of the money part? I mean.. guys who are trying to get laid without a relationship and without a prostitute often lay down some cash for dinners, drinks, bought themselves new clothes for the date, whatever. This is just changing where the money spent to get sex goes, and comes with more of a guarantee.

But again, as someone said, it's about your values and what you can handle.
Good luck.

[TwoThree]

You have gotten some good advice on this thread already, but this stood out for me

It has disturbed me for a long time that the man I love, is living out his porn fantasies with these perfect, gorgeous, European prostitutes.

I think you're idealizing those prostitutes way too much.

[CynicalQuixotic]

If I read correctly, they've never met.. but if they were to meet and become sexually active, then I would definitely recommend getting tested.

Oops, you're right. Reading comprehension fail. Sorry OP.

I have very conflicting views on prostitution that I don't have time to elaborate on right now, but prostitution in Eastern European countries is much different than Australia or New Zealand. I may get flak for this, but I think you should think about whether you want to be with someone who is complicit in propagating an institution as economically exploitative to women as barely-regulated prostitution.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Two questions: why is it OK for you to have one-night stands, and not OK for him to have sex his way? IF you really love each other, unless you are looking for a polyamorous relationship, wouldn't you rather be exclusive to each other?

Second, you have been in a LDR for over a year. Have you progressed to Skype sex? Skype can make it very real, just with some imagination, a bit of fantasy, listening to each other as you get turned on, and then letting yourself go. Chat, sexting, phone sex, and Skype with or without video...those things were made for LDR couples. We turn on within the first few minutes on chat, and then, sometimes it goes to Skype. Sometimes we just start the day with Skype, or sometimes end it with Skype. It's nice to fall asleep after Skype. It's also safe sex...no worries about STD, or pregnancy, or falling for anyone else.

[Indie]

Thank you, this is a good point

[Indie]

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous or high and mighty.
But in an open relationship, having one night stands is part of it. It doesn't bother him, and it doesn't bother me when he tells me he had sex with a girl and then left the next morning with no exchange of phone numbers

[rhabdoviridae]

Sure, a prostitute is far less likely to threaten your relationship versus a woman that your SO makes the effort to connect with emotionally and such, but what about all of the social issues surrounding prostitution? Often these women are associated with other crimes through their employers (drugs, gangs, human trafficking, etc) that I would not at all be OK with supporting with my pocket money.