Someone tell me I'm not entirely crazy? (or that I am!)

[velkoria]

Hi everyone! I am just writing here to get some advice on a few things. My boyfriend and I have been friends for over 10 years and we've always had a 'thing' going on. I was not ready to be in an LDR and we both had issues so... We waited but remained friends all throughout. Needless to say we both feel we know each other pretty well. So when we decided to ake things official a little over three months ago we had the 'closing the distance' talk. Basically we think we are both adults now (I'm 26 and he's 27) and both have gone through a lot of therapy and we feel we are now in much better places, we're both college educated with degrees that can 'travel' internationally (i.e.: we're not lawyers) and well... we'd like to see this relationship through.

Our idea is to meet up in my country (Venezuela) in about 8 months to a year (he has bills to pay off and wants to do that before moving to another country) and start living together and if that works get married and THEN move to his country (the US). We decided to do it like this because a) he can come and go to my country without worrying about visas b) I didn't want to marry him right away to get a visa and move to the US and then if things don't work out be stuck there with no ability to maintain myself or have to come back home after quitting my job, etc. (I work in a very well known company worldwide at a job I had to go through 5 interviews and tests to get,he works mostly freelance) c) He won't be selling his house but putting it up for rent. With what he'd be getting for the house he can live comfortably in my country since the exchange rate for dollars is so high and, if things don't work out, he can still have a place to go back to and d) he can get a job here with his US citizenship and if things don't work he's not dependant on me. We don't want to get married right away or anything but marriage is something we (obviously) have discussed wanting to do in the nearish future but we have to see how we mesh together in person before we finally make that commitment.

So... does this sound super crazy? should we do the visits more? Is talking about marriage crazy before you meet in person? I don't know why I suddenly feel self concious. My sister is also in a similarish LDR and their relationship is so different sometimes it makes me wonder if I am crazy.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Actually, I think it sounds fairly logical, with the only exception being the part where you haven't met each other yet.

Knowing someone for that long does give you a deep understanding and feeling for them, but sometimes things can just feel different in person, for whatever reason. Is it possible to arrange at least one visit before he actually moves to Venezuela? Just to make sure that you guys "click" the way you think you will. And I mean that in every possible sense, there are just some things you can't 'know' or 'feel' from a distance. Especially physical things.. Like maybe you kiss him for the first time and it's like kissing your brother, and there's these chemistry issues that crop up.

Do I think it's *likely* not really, no. But it is *possible* so I think a visit first if you can arrange it would be super.

Otherwise, things sound pretty well thought out.

Good luck!

[mllebamako]

While I don't think you guys are crazy, I probably wouldn't personally do it having never met. A quick search showed me that round-trip plane tickets from Florida to Venezuela are around $650. To me, that seems like a low enough price that it makes it possible for you guys to do one "meeting" trip before going for the full on move.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I agree with silvermoonfairy. This doesn't sound crazy. But some visits would be super helpful to see how you do around each other, and get a better idea. Being in person really is important. I hope things work out like you want. It does seem like you have both really worked on it.

[Moon]

If you work for such a big global company, can't you simply transfer to a US division? You'd have to be very good at whatever it is you do for your company to go through the visa hassle, but then you'd be coming here on your own terms. My company does that for our employees from time to time, if they're worth it. After, well after, you've met, of course

[velkoria]

Thanks! We have tried to think this through and not just jumo into something that might be more harmful than helpful. We want to meet first, of course, and see how things work out... specially with things like 'kissing' and other 'in person' things. Currently we have no plans to have a visit but we're treating him coming here kind of like his first 'visit'. He will come spend a while here and if things don't work out hsi job will be waiting back home and stuff. Tickets are not super expensive but we saw it more of a 'hey, if we meet in person and things go well? why not stay there together?' Of course this is as long as his job allows this (he works for a friend and fellow veteran). I don't want him to give his life up for me unless he and I are fully ready for it.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like a good idea, you could work towards the move while getting to know each other more as boyfriend/ girlfriend, including arranging for a visit. Of course it is crazy talking about marriage before having met...but my SO started mentioning marriage two weeks after of us having contact ever, every relationship has its logic.

[velkoria]

It's not that steep except converted to my currency (which we have to do because change control yadda yadda) it's more than I make in 8 months of work (sad, I know but third world country problems...). As for him he is currently paying off hospital debt (long story) and we both want him to take care of that first before going into more debt and taking time off work. We might do it in the future depending on where he is economically this is our plan for nwo but of course we don't know how things will change in a couple of months (remember we're still only 3 months in so this could be the 'honey moon' phase talking :P)

[velkoria]

Thanks! Like I said, maybe things will change and we'll change our minds on things down the line. This is still new and we're still in that 'honey moon' phase so who knows! We're trying to be realistic, however and truly looking at this like a relationship between two adults and not two love-struck kids.

[velkoria]

If you work for such a big global company, can't you simply transfer to a US division? You'd have to be very good at whatever it is you do for your company to go through the visa hassle, but then you'd be coming here on your own terms. My company does that for our employees from time to time, if they're worth it. After, well after, you've met, of course

I am the newest member of my team and have been here for a little over 8 months and some people have been here for 5 + years. I am trying to work my way up for a transfer (something I will continue on regardless of my relationship!) but these things take time if it happens before we meet then great! If not I will continue to work hard at my job and hopefully, if we move, I can have my experience working in the latinamerican division as a backing if I wanted to o´pt for a job in the same company in the US.

[Moon]

I am the newest member of my team and have been here for a little over 8 months and some people have been here for 5 + years. I am trying to work my way up for a transfer (something I will continue on regardless of my relationship!) but these things take time if it happens before we meet then great! If not I will continue to work hard at my job and hopefully, if we move, I can have my experience working in the latinamerican division as a backing if I wanted to o´pt for a job in the same company in the US.

They do take time, yes, but I was thinking this way you could at least get a few meetings before doing anything too drastic And, it means you can get into the US without having to go the fiance visa route, which is actually great.

[Petals]

Hi,

I don't think the idea is crazy at all except the idea of not having a visit prior to moving in together. It is a shock to the system to suddenly be around each other everyday in the same space. I think there needs to be a transition. May I suggest that if a visit prior to moving is not feasible that he at least get a separate place for the first few weeks. That would give you both time to process everything and adjust to being together in person.

[velkoria]

Hi,

I don't think the idea is crazy at all except the idea of not having a visit prior to moving in together. It is a shock to the system to suddenly be around each other everyday in the same space. I think there needs to be a transition. May I suggest that if a visit prior to moving is not feasible that he at least get a separate place for the first few weeks. That would give you both time to process everything and adjust to being together in person.

I like this idea Thanks for the suggestion. Like I said, we're trying to figure all this out still so... all your suggestions are super important to me.

[Petals]

I like this idea Thanks for the suggestion. Like I said, we're trying to figure all this out still so... all your suggestions are super important to me.

Glad I could help. A separate place for a few weeks would help, but a few months might be even better. Do what you think is best for you; just be smart about it

[BlueCat]

I think it is a little bit crazy. The main reason being, you're talking about moving to the U.S to get married and live there, without having ever actually been there before. How do you know you're even going to like living there without haven't visited prior. I understand the desire for wanting to close the distance. But I would recommend you at least visit him once (and he you) before proceeding onto the step of moving.