Not sure what to do :(

[DeathCab]

My boyfriend and I are both on our summer breaks from university/college now.

Just before our breaks started, I told him about a 10-week internship I found that's pretty much my dream future job. I was really excited and told him about how I wanted to experience what it's like, and he even watched as I filled out the online application form. He saw everything - the application form, the email I received from the organisation asking me to go down for an inteview, and the final acceptance email I got from the organisation. All of them stated clearly that the internship is 10 weeks long. This means that after the internship ends, I would only be left with the last 1.5 weeks of my summer break.

Basically, my boyfriend didn't fully digest the fact that the internship would be a full-time job lasting for 10 weeks long, and had planned all sorts of activities for us to do during our summer breaks. He only realised during the ten free days we had before my internship started. So we spent most of the ten precious days with us being really upset and him being disappointed about the fact that all his plans for our summer wouldn't be carried out. He wanted me to drop the internship badly. However, I had already accepted the offer and felt that I shouldn't drop it since I had already accepted it. Plus, I really wanted to go for the internship since it's exactly what I'm passionate about and intend to do in the future. I also felt really disappointed because it felt that he isn't supporting me at all for the internship, despite knowing that it'll practically bring me one step closer to my dream job.

Today is my second day at work, but these two days were filled with lots of unhappiness in our relationship. Because of our time differences (I'm 13 hours ahead of his time), I would be away for work from 7.30 pm to 5 am his time. That's usually the time we would spend together before he goes to bed at 3 am or so. For him, he feels upset that I chose the internship "over him" and insists that this means that the internship is more important than he is. He also kept telling me to quit. I tried telling him that the internship isn't more important to me and that I really feel that I shouldn't drop it at all since I've already accepted it.

I suggested that he could sleep slightly earlier each night and wake up at 7 am his time (that's about the time I'll reach home from work, i.e. 8 pm for me) and we could spend 4-5 hours together before I go to bed. But when I suggested this, he said "why should I?" and seemed really unwilling to do so... At that point, I felt really hurt. I'm willing to sacrifice my sleep (by sleeping at midnight, I'll only get 5.5 hours of sleep) but he isn't too willing to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. All he wants me to do is quit my internship and spend my summer break with him, which I had already said I can't quit since I had already given my word of acceptance and feel morally obligated to stay on. But if he had told me not to apply for this internship and if I had known he would get so very upset about it, I totally would have given it up...

I feel that if this unhappiness goes on, our relationship would get more strained than it already is... I have no idea what to do anymore. Some advice and help are needed and would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all in advance.

[Unconditional]

He should be EXCITED for you! This internship is a great thing for you! He has no right to be upset. He should understand that this will be helping your future. He's being quite selfish asking you to drop this internship. He's just being extremely selfish not to mention childish, i.e. not willing to go to sleep a little earlier but then being able to talk to you for hours if he were to wake up just a bit earlier. I'm sure this is hard for him, but doesn't he realize it won't be easy for you either?!
I'm sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but I'm just saying what's on my mind.

[TwoThree]

First of all, congratulations on the internship. It sounds like a great opportunity that will help you in your future career, so that's a great thing

Second of all, your boyfriend is being perfectly unreasonable and immature. I understand his disappointment that you don't get to talk so much, but the fact that he wants you to drop such a great opportunity and something that you're so passionate about is immensely selfish, and frankly a little alarming. Doesn't he care about your future at all? Is all he cares about is having you at his disposal to have fun? Also I wonder about such activities that he has supposedly planned for you two, given that you live on other other side of the planet. How are they so important that they trump your education?

Working on a relationship and making sacrifices is very important, yes. But your future is more important, especially when it comes to a guy you've been with for less than two months and whom you've never even met in person (judging from your profile, at least).

Seriously, his behavior towards you is very disrespectful. YOU don't have to do anything, in my honest opinion. Either he accepts the situation and apologizes for being selfish, immature and douchey (sorry but that's how he sounds with his "Why should I?") or you dump him and move on.

[silvermoonfairy3]

First of all, congrats on the internship! That sounds like an awesome opportunity to get some amazing experience that will help you in your career path. Good work!

Nowwww the bad stuff. I think you need to have a serious, firm discussion with him. In no uncertain terms, he is being completely unacceptable.

Partners support each other. Partners help each other realize their dreams and reach their goals. This internship sounds like a terrific opportunity for you. I realize he's disappointed. I'd be disappointed if that happened with my partner, you'd probably be disappointed if the roles were reversed.. but adults accept that things come up sometimes. They say, well, I'm really disappointed, but I understand.

Him asking you to give up the internship isn't fair, and him sulking that you obviously care more about the internship than him isn't fair, either.

So, how do you go about the discussion?
It depends on your communication style and how he reacts to things, but I would state clearly somewhere in there something like, "I'm not quitting my internship. I accepted the job and I'm not going back on that, and also I want the experience. But how can we make this easier for you?"

I would personally also ask questions that make him think about what he's saying/doing ("Is it important to you that I pursue my dream career?" "Do you think you can help me achieve my goals?") and how he can proactively be part of the situation. ("This internship is really important to me, but so is our relationship. How can I help you be comfortable with our time/schedule change?" etc.) Maybe ask him for a plan that doesn't involve you giving up the internship but allows more time to connect. Say that you're open to discussing ideas he comes up with, and put it on him. See if he comes back with something reasonable. Or, suggest that you both come up with a plan that allows you to keep the internship and chat more (like the each adjusting sleep schedules a little bit thing, although he seems resistant to that) and then compare notes/compromise on a plan.

I don't want to suggest "rewarding" him for being bratty like this, but there can be ways to potentially ease his disappointment a bit. "I know this internship really messed with our vacation time and that sucks.. but I'll make it up to you in the last week that we do have together by (X or Y cool, thoughtful thing.)" Something special that you can do for him.

If he starts to show signs of being a bit more supportive, you can also thank him for it, to reinforce that that's what you need from him. I know it sounds a little silly, but it actually really does help. My SO has a really flexible schedule most of the time right now, but when he gets a giant batch of essays to grade, he only has a few minutes here and there for a couple weeks at a time. He'll check in to say hi and we'll chat for a couple minutes, and when we're heading offline, he'll say thanks for being so understanding of my crazy schedule right now. It just makes me feel like he understands and appreciates that it sucks for me, too, that we don't have much time, not just for him.

The bottom line is, making you choose the internship or him, saying you chose the internship "over him" etc. is kind of controlling, in addition to being insecure. He is trying to influence your decisions by guilt and manipulation, and you don't deserve that.

If he has a "why should I" attitude about making adjustments to sleep schedule or whatever, I don't know how receptive he's really going to be, but giving in to his brattiness and sulking isn't going to help in the long run. Frankly, he needs to grow up.

Try a serious discussion, and see how it goes. If he's surly and unwilling to compromise and be part of the solution, honestly I think you should back off for a bit and just let him sulk. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, eventually they'll have to calm down and approach things again. Tell him you're sorry he's so upset and it hurts you, and you understand he's disappointed, but you're really hurt he can't be supportive of something you're so excited about. Flat out tell him you think it's disrespectful, if you think that. If he won't compromise on the sleeping thing, tell him it upsets you that he doesn't feel it's worth it to give up a little bit of sleep to talk, but it's his choice, and that he can talk to you when he has time. And then leave it. You don't need to be the one changing here, he does.

(Assuming, of course, these things are really what hurt you/how you feel.. I don't wanna put words in your mouth. This is for illustration purposes/suggestion.)

But yeah. Bottom line, he's out of line. He is being childish, selfish, and disrespectful of you.

[Moon]

Absolutely do not let him talk you into quitting your internship, it's really important to continue it, for your future and your well-being. The other ladies, especially TwoThree said pretty much everything that needs saying, but I wanted to add that if he can't handle this internship, which is vitally important for your future, you need to ask yourself what else he can't handle? And, if something such as a short 10 weeks is making him so spiteful, what else will make him act out this way? If doing a short internship that could help you land your dream job tears apart your relationship this way, then to be brutally honest, you're better off without the relationship. He needs to realize that playtime is over, and now you're young adults whose priority should be securing your future, if he can't understand that, then maybe it's best you find that out now. Good luck.

[rhabdoviridae]

It's really unacceptable for him to be behaving this way. You've found an amazing opportunity in the field you intend to pursue...he should be supportive and excited for you, even though it means more time apart. Most school summer breaks are more than ten weeks, meaning you can still spend time with him and do some of the things that he was excited to do while still getting to learn from this awesome internship.

If this were my SO, I would tell him that his lack of support, sulking and resistance to compromise was really making me feel hurt. My own LDR is due to having to be away at school; career is really important to me as it sounds like it is for you. He needs to understand that you're taking steps to better yourself as a person, behaving like most adults do, while he's acting like a spoiled child. Incompatibility like that will only last for so long, and I'd let him know that.

[DeathCab]

Thank you all for the congratulations and words of advices.

The plans he had in mind were us playing games together, watching movies or TV shows together.

I find it really hard to have any discussion at all about anything serious with him these days. He gives short replies and doesn't wanna continue discussing any further. For instance, I told him earlier that our thinking is very different. He replied with a "cool to know." I asked if he wanted to find out more or if he cared to know more, and he said "nope." After further probing, he said he doesn't wanna find out more because it's a negative issue and he doesn't wanna know more. I tried telling him that we wouldn't last very long if he just chooses to ignore the negative issues instead of dealing with them. Then this:

Him: Internship changed me
Me: In what way? Made you stop caring?
Him: In every way. Haven't you noticed? Basically yes. Because I know you don't care very much.
Me: I do care...? What makes you think I don't care very much?
Him: Giving us 4 hours a day max doesn't really rub off on me in a caring manner.
Me: That's all I can give. I'm giving you all the remaining time I have. What more do you want? That is all the time I can get.
Him: It's just a tease of what we could have.

Tried asking him silvermoonfairy3's question "How do you think I cna help you be comfortable with this whole schedule change?" and he said "nothing."

It honestly makes me feel like giving up when all attempts at having a proper serious discussion seem to fail time and again. So far, he still hasn't slept earlier so he can be awake when I'm home from work, mostly because his sleep schedule is a little messed up and he wakes up about 2 PM each day.

[snow]

Sometimes you gotta take what you get and yes, cutting back on time to talk is shitty and of course it sucks, but he has to understand that you are not taking this internship to cause problems in this relationship, or to have fewer hours to talk to him and that these are just negative "side-effects", but to get an insight on your dream job and possibly even the opportunity to continue working there.

It is also 10 weeks, not months, not years, but 10 weeks.

He is unreasonable and needs to change his attitude.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Totally with Snow on this. His attitude is incomprehensibly unreasonable. You getting an internship "changed everything" for him? What's he going to do when you get a full-time permanent job?

You guys still have 4 hours a day of talking?? I was under the impression the internship cut it to almost nothing. Wow. Okay.

From the snippet of conversation you posted, it confirms my belief that he's sulking and trying to make you feel guilty to give in. It's very controlling. I think you're unfortunately right about how it might be time to give up when the serious discussions aren't yielding anything productive.

You can of course decide how you want to proceed from here, but if it were me, I'd probably say something like I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm making every possible accommodation I can, and this can't be a one-way street. If there's honestly no way you can be okay with my internship for my future, I don't think this will work. I need a guy who isn't threatened by me having a career, and can support my goals. And then I'd leave things for a few days, let him think it over, and maybe prepare mentally for a breakup in case he doesn't come around.

This sucks, I'm sorry you're dealing with it. But at the same time, maybe some weird silver lining, it's better to find out he's like this now, than further along. This probably isn't the kind of unsupportive, controlling guy you want for your future.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

If he's this way already, and you have only been in this a month??? What real chance do you have for any kind of a happy LDR? Ten weeks is really not that long!! And it is for a good reason, for your future!

And 4 hours a day is not that bad for communication, not really. We rarely have that kind of time, more like an hour or two of very sporadic chat, with lots of interruptions, depending on his work schedule and whatever else is going on. Sometimes I'm lucky to have 20 minutes of his uninterrupted time. And sometimes I only get a quick Goodnight message. It gets very frustrating sometimes, but I know he gives what he can.

One thing your boyfriend needs to realize is that sleep is often one of the sacrifices needed if you want to have time together in an LDR with a big time difference. What you are asking of him is not unreasonable at all.

[ldrxoxo]

You should tell him if it was him with the internship you would be supportive. Tell him what if it was him and not you, would he want you to be acting the way he is? I always try to get people to see things from the other side of the coin. It's up to them if they want to understand. You should say to him he should be lucky he gets 4 hours...people don't get ten minutes these days in circumstances.

[silvermoonfairy3]

You should say to him he should be lucky he gets 4 hours...people don't get ten minutes these days in circumstances.

I think this would just come across as talking down to him, which probably would only make things worse.

[TwoThree]

This absolutely ridiculous. How old is he? He sounds like he's 6.

Honestly, you have the patience of a saint. I would have kicked his ass out of my life much earlier.

Four hours is too little for him? What the hell? I know there are people who can communicate with their SO all day long, but four hours is still A LOT of time (at least it is for people like me who have full-time jobs and family obligations)

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. You deserve so, so much better.

[Malaga]

He's throwing his toys out of the pram because you won't quit your job for him. But even if you do quit it, you're always going to resent him for it. And rightly so. So he's giving you no choice but to give him the boot really. And consider it a dodged bullet.
So he thinks the relationship should come first, but only if it's you who's putting him first... not the other way round too. Come on, you're not buying that.

Good luck xx

[Unconditional]

This absolutely ridiculous.
Four hours is too little for him? What the hell? I know there are people who can communicate with their SO all day long, but four hours is still A LOT of time (at least it is for people like me who have full-time jobs and family obligations)

You deserve so, so much better.

I Agree, you deserve better, he's being childish and immature. This makes me feel as though he's not ready for this serious relationship. I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear...but I'm simply giving my opinion.
I also Agree that Four hours is quite a bit, this is coming from someone who hasn't heard from her SO in two and a half weeks because he's overseas. So for that fact, his immaturity at the fact he only gets four hours drives me up a wall. He needs to not take his time with you for granted. He should take every day, every minute you communicate in stride. He should be thankful for those four hours.
Sorry if you think I'm ranting, but, I'm not sorry all in the same.