I wish things moved faster for us

[farandaway]

We talked about solutions today. Which really is that he has another month to make income before he has to move out. I will support him any way I can. I have given him some contacts from my business that extend to his side of the world. He said he is determined to make it work. He is afraid of falling into depression but the best thing is to look forward and imagine your life the way you want it to be. Exercise regime is extremely important for him to stay positive and he will start that again. We still cannot plan any time to see each other but I will just have to bear with that. This time last year I was so excited to go see him and now it will be sad that it's been a full year soon and we still haven't been able to see each other. I'm glad that I didn't know that when I left I would have been devastated. I try to take one day at a time. My kids are leaving to see their dad and I'll be on my own for 5 weeks and it will be tough. I will probably be hanging around here a lot

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Really, taking a day at a time is all any of us can do. It does get frustrating sometimes not knowing when/if the day will come that it will be OUR time to meet and be together. But, neither of us is willing to give up. This part of your post sounds a lot like my situation with my SO:

"When I get frustrated I start talking about our future and he doesn't want to when he says he cannot promise before he is free. Then I feel so upset and depressed I need to take a break. This goes on and on. I cannot really tell him how I feel. I feel that we are completely on his terms."

We have, in the past, fought about this more than once, but I finally have accepted that, for now, it is what it is, and there's no point in fighting over it. All it does is hurt both of us. All we can do is be there for each other and support each other as much as we can, while we live our own separate lives. Nobody is to blame for any of this, lives were established long before we met, and we chose to be together, even knowing his situation. And we took it a day at a time, never giving up, to where we are still going strong 4 years later. Oh, the things we do for love.

[farandaway]

I have to accept this situation, too. And really we are not that far from being together. All it takes is for him to find one or two clients that bring him enough money. If he has clients he can come to me and he can work from here. Money is the big issue. If I help him, it's not a long term solution for us. He has to make his money and then he can settle anywhere he wants (which is here).

I'm trying to remind myself where we were when we started and how far we've come. It's a miracle in itself that we have ever met and that despite the distance that we are still going strong. I get frustrated but every time it happens I learn that it was not really worth it and it did not take us any further. It took me time to understand that he is serious with me and that I can trust him. This is hard because he has been taken all this time but I've followed it closely and I know what he tells me is the truth. He keeps saying he is rock solid and he is.

He wrote to me last night "Please just forgive me if I can't give you everything you need all at once. We have all of our lives." Isn't that the sweetest thing. I know all he wants is to be able to leave and be with me.

We don't know when we will see each other but one thing we have decided is to be together for Christmas. Surely his business is running well enough so that it cannot be taken away from us. This is so so true what you said "Nobody is to blame for any of this, lives were established long before we met, and we chose to be together, even knowing his situation."

[Hollandia]

A bit more pessimistic stuff. Sorry.


How can he legally stay there while working from Finland? What type of a visa or permit is he going to get that allows him in Finland over the 90 day in/ 90 Day out Schengen law? He will have to meet Finnish regulations regardless of his income. Countries require a reason for permits and if he is not in school, and not working in Finland, then he would need to have another reason, and you cannot apply for partnership or family formation while still married. Self employment only applies to those with Finnish companies.

https://www.expat-finland.com/moving...e_permits.html

Also....Since he has his own business he most likely has a cpa right? I would make sure before he moves to USA to make sure of all the tax repercussions that come along with that. Finland will most likely want a piece of the pie from his international income and USA will most definitely still be taking theirs while he is living in Finland. I know in the Netherlands in order to open up your own business as a foreigner you have to prove that is something that is advantageous for the Netherlands. They don't want anyone coming in and just taking business away from the existing Netherlands companies. In order to get hired you must prove you have more skills/ a special skill that shows just cause for a Netherlands company hiring you and not a Dutch citizen unless you have a work permit. I have been searching and USA companies don't want to sponsor him for a work visa anymore than NL companies want to sponsor me for a work visa. It is ROUGH out there. Many many other countries have similar laws you might want to look into.

I will never be allowed to work anywhere in the EU until we get married and I can get a work permit. I have faced that fact.

[farandaway]

Ok, I wasn't very clear about it. What I meant is that he can come and visit me and bring his work with him. He is legally a tourist but he can work on his statistics during the day when I'm busy. Of course it doesn't work like that in the long run. This would be only so that we can be together until his divorce is final and we can get married. That will make it all simple. He can work for Finnish companies and make it a business trip out of the States if he can manage contacts but his company is based in Boston until he can permanently move to Finland. I know it is more complicated than this but if he took a full time position in the States we could never skype at convenient times and he would barely get any vacation time enough to come to me. On top of that, he loves his numbers and figures! My ex was a wooden boat builder and this is a whole new area for me!

[piratemama]

I have more in common with your situation than I can say here, but I understand much of your pain and concerns. What helped me the most was to stop looking at what my SO didn't do, but focus on what he did do to show his love and commitment. My version of showing love is different from his, and I had to recognize that, too. I looked at the time it took us to get moving forward more as a good benefit, because we have been able to build a strong foundation for our future. We've had time to get to know one another, and the time was probably really a good thing. I certainly have been impatient, however.

If you are sure that the difficulty of divorce is a real issue and you trust him, then you should try to concentrate on the moments you can be connected by whatever means. Remember, everything passes, even these long, dark tunnels we want to run through.

[Hollandia]

Ok, I wasn't very clear about it. What I meant is that he can come and visit me and bring his work with him. He is legally a tourist but he can work on his statistics during the day when I'm busy. Of course it doesn't work like that in the long run. This would be only so that we can be together until his divorce is final and we can get married. That will make it all simple. He can work for Finnish companies and make it a business trip out of the States if he can manage contacts but his company is based in Boston until he can permanently move to Finland. I know it is more complicated than this but if he took a full time position in the States we could never skype at convenient times and he would barely get any vacation time enough to come to me. On top of that, he loves his numbers and figures! My ex was a wooden boat builder and this is a whole new area for me!

I have a business in USA and work remotely when out of the country so he would be in same boat. ( no pun intended). 90 days in and 90 days out for Schengen. It's a rough road but me and my SO have been doing it for a few years now. I wish you the best.

[farandaway]

I have more in common with your situation than I can say here, but I understand much of your pain and concerns. What helped me the most was to stop looking at what my SO didn't do, but focus on what he did do to show his love and commitment. My version of showing love is different from his, and I had to recognize that, too. I looked at the time it took us to get moving forward more as a good benefit, because we have been able to build a strong foundation for our future. We've had time to get to know one another, and the time was probably really a good thing. I certainly have been impatient, however.

If you are sure that the difficulty of divorce is a real issue and you trust him, then you should try to concentrate on the moments you can be connected by whatever means. Remember, everything passes, even these long, dark tunnels we want to run through.

This forum has opened up the consept of ldr, how common it is today when internet reaches every corner of the world. I've been pretty open here about dating a married man. I am anonomoys here and in any case it is not always so black and white. We were both married when we first met and it's been harder for him. I understand piratemama if you mean this by saying we have more in common than you can say here. Not to get into details but his plans have changed so many times with a dominant partner that he has not been taking care of himself but always given all of him to the family. That's why he now has nothing and has to work hard to be able to leave. I have offered him other options but this is how he wants it and I have to respect it. I've been impatient and I've been desperate to the point that he showed me his account to make his point that he cannot walk out before he can financially take care of himself. When we met, we were in a similar situation. Our marriages were already over, it was a matter of taking the last step. I trust him completely. I don't know the details but I know enough and I don't really want to know more.

I have a business in USA and work remotely when out of the country so he would be in same boat. ( no pun intended). 90 days in and 90 days out for Schengen. It's a rough road but me and my SO have been doing it for a few years now. I wish you the best.

Yes, exactly. It's not ideal but it's way better than what we have now. Thank you. We will make it!

[Hollandia]

This forum has opened up the consept of ldr, how common it is today when internet reaches every corner of the world. I've been pretty open here about dating a married man. I am anonomoys here and in any case it is not always so black and white. We were both married when we first met and it's been harder for him. I understand piratemama if you mean this by saying we have more in common than you can say here. Not to get into details but his plans have changed so many times with a dominant partner that he has not been taking care of himself but always given all of him to the family. That's why he now has nothing and has to work hard to be able to leave. I have offered him other options but this is how he wants it and I have to respect it. I've been impatient and I've been desperate to the point that he showed me his account to make his point that he cannot walk out before he can financially take care of himself. When we met, we were in a similar situation. Our marriages were already over, it was a matter of taking the last step. I trust him completely. I don't know the details but I know enough and I don't really want to know more.



Yes, exactly. It's not ideal but it's way better than what we have now. Thank you. We will make it!

Here's a little tip too. Croatia is in EU now but not Schengen for at least another year. Cyprus will be even later than that. What this means is that if you both have companies that can be run while outside of countries for a bit, you could stay in Finland for 90 days/ Uk for 90 days/ Croatia for 90 days/ Cyprus for 90 days and then back to Finland. You could always also go to USA but the air and travel time is greatly increased. This is how me and my SO have been able to be together since Christmas Eve when he flew to USA for a few weeks before we started the country hopping of Netherlands/ Croatia/ Uk/ Netherlands and possibly UK and then Netherlands again. It is not easy either but we call it our adventure and it has confirmed for both of us how committed we are to closing the distance and growing old together.

[farandaway]

Good to know, even though it's a little harder for me with kids who still need to go to school and can't live by themselves. You are really resourceful and it's great if you can find ways to get around the byrocracy.

[Hollandia]

Good to know, even though it's a little harder for me with kids who still need to go to school and can't live by themselves. You are really resourceful and it's great if you can find ways to get around the byrocracy.

Yes, kids change everything. Mine is an adult now, but at least you have the knowledge if you ever need it. If you work it out with the ex you could jump to one right before the 90 days and another one right after the 90 days which would mean you would only be apart each year for 4 months instead of 6. Croatia during off season in Split area cost us about 14 dollars a day. We stayed for fist five weeks for a total of 600 dollars. Cyprus or Bosnia as well would also offer great rates in off season, UK will hurt your pocket book , pretty much year round.

LOL.You would be surprised how resourceful you get to stay with the one you love. I got so tired of jumping the pond every 90 days. We did not jump into it lightly, we wanted to work on a few other goals together and spending half our lives apart was not working well for that.

[farandaway]

Another complication is that my ex lives in the US. I have a way of falling for Americans... it's the American accent I can't resist

This is great information anyway. I wish he gets his business moving, then we can move on and conquer the next step.

[Hollandia]

Another complication is that my ex lives in the US. I have a way of falling for Americans... it's the American accent I can't resist

ooooooooooooooooooo, then why not just move to USA? Would you consider selling your business and moving to USA to start a new one? Does he have kids there?

[farandaway]

I know. It seems like the obvious answer! Wiith ex we decided that kids are better off in Finland. My business is my business only when I run it and it cannot be sold. I would have to start over again and it just sounds so hard. My SO does not want to live in Boston (his wife dragged him there 2 years ago and he hates it). I have no business there anyway until he can be with me. But, I don't rule it out completely. We will see. I love my country though and he is from a smaller city orginally and although he has not been to Finland yet, he knows a lot about it and he's lived away from US for over 10 years before. He adjusts well and has already learned another very difficult language, I'm sure he will learn Finnish, too.

He has a child but he is not biologically his but his wife's. He's raised him for about 5 years now, the length of their marriage. This is a complicated story...

[Hollandia]

Another thing we have talked about is that once you close the distance, you are not locked into staying in that country forever. You can live in one for a few years and decide another one might be better suited. For us, whichever one will do the trick the quickest is the route we will go. I would love to live in USA but if I need to live in UK or NL for a few years first, then that is the path I shall take. It does not mean I won't move there at some point. For you, the kids are in Finland but traveling to USA to see their dad, so maybe a few years in USA is not that bad for them, especially if your SO is close to his step son. Your business seems to be the main thing that holds you to Finland at this point other than him needing to finalize his divorce. My biggest concern is for him to be able to work, on a temporary basis while still "residing" legally in USA, it is fine as the status quo but if he ever wants to move to Finland things are going to get quite sticky. You need to make sure that you can support him if he can't work for awhile. He will also most likely be required to pay for insurance to even apply for a permit. There are laws in USA about how much money you can send to foreign accounts and any USA credit lines will need to be switched over to international ones. As you said, it is quite complicated. I have not even closed the distance but I run into a ton of problems with my USA banks and services taking issue with my time out of the country.

LDRs are all about sacrifice. One or both of you will most likely be making some tough decisions but if you love each other enough, it will be more than worth it in the end.