Opinions

[lea22]

deleted due to resolved situation.

[JaneEmily]

First things first, if you really love him - why would you break up with him if he doesn't want to marry? It's his choice, maybe he has reasons why he's against it. I don't think you should push him into the marriage thing just so you two can have an end date. It may seem the *only* solution for you right now, but maybe he's generally scared of the whole idea of marriage? Or is there something in his past that makes him against the idea?

I think you both need to find a compromise where you're BOTH happy with a solution for an end date. It seems a little odd and pushy to me that you won't forgive him if he refuses to marry you. Some people want marriage, others don't. I think you should also see it from his perspective rather than constantly what you want him to do for your relationship. I'd just strongly advise to try not to push him into marriage... Because if he genuinely doesn't want to, he could up resenting you for making him marry when it's against his wishes/beliefs. I'm sure he wants to make you happy and have an end date but I think you need to take a different route about it or you might push him away.

[snow]

You have an agreed deadline? What is that about?

I know there is a work holiday visa for Australia- https://www.immi.gov.au/visitors/working-holiday/ - but this is also a temporary visa.. maybe this is something for you for now?
I mean, there isn't many visas that are going to let you live with your SO permanently and if he is so against a wedding and marriage, then what does he have to offer in return? I don't know the immigration laws, so I can't really offer much insight, but I think if he is so much against marriage, you need to look into your other options.

[Zapookie]

Have you looked into the De-facto visa? You do not have to get married, and it is a way into obtaining PR. However I do know that the wait time is quite long, about 12 months, and you do have to provide a shit tonne more information than if you were to apply for a fiance visa. You can also apply for the de-facto visa onshore so that you do not need to be apart for the 12 month wait. Be prepared to fork out about 4-5k in the visa app + expenses.

I have been looking into it for my SO, as he would like to move to Australia to be with me. We still haven't decided which route we are going to take.

[Emilia]

I would try and get a working holiday visa first. This gives you 12 months of living together and will allow to prepare evidence for a partner visa. Partner visas are very difficult to get.

Your relationship must:
- have existed for at least 12 months immediately before you apply for this visa. Time spent dating does not count towards the length of your de facto relationship.
- you must live with your partner or, if you do not, any separation must be only temporary.

Therefore, a working holiday visa would be the first step towards that 12 month requirement.

If he doesn't want to marry you, what kind of future does he want?

[lucybelle]

Is no marriage a deal breaker for you, or not being able to close the distance? If you could find a way to permanently close the distance and not be married, would that be okay?

[lea22]

I have exhausted all visa options and used my working holiday up previously before we knew each other.

There are no visas that will work except from a spouse one, that's why the marriage thing is a huge deal. To be honest I would rather let the relationship progress into that stage naturally but that could be years and I'm in a very unhappy situation in this country so not wanting to wait much longer.

The deal breaker for me is that he can see how miserable I am, how we have to compromise our lives and finances when living like this yet won't go out of his comfortzone for me. I'm seeing it as very black and white - if you love someone you should want them with you and want them to be happy even if it means doing something you don't want to do.

I might add that when we have talked about the future I have made it clear I will make sacrifices for my own career to ensure his gets priority, for example moving to where he needs to be.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm kinda with JaneEmily on this.. you mention how it should be a compromise, but that you'd never be able to forgive him if he doesn't do this for you. That's not a compromise, that's you wanting him to give in so you get your way.

I realize that you anticipate making your own sacrifices later in the relationship, but that doesn't change this particular situation, and he's right, getting married IS a big deal. And if he doesn't want to, strong-arming it and throwing around the idea that you'll never forgive him if he won't isn't reasonably compromising.

As for the part about how there are "no visas that will work except a spouse one" I'm kinda guessing that's also not the case, since in your original post, you said "The only way to get one is through marriage or a further 2 years in education which would have to be done in this country for financial reasons."

So there's another option, it's just not the one you want.

Additionally, it's not your partner's fault that you "hate the country you live in" so much, and while I'm sure he wants to see you happy, you need to also take some responsibility for your own happiness as well, and not give in to a flair for the dramatic talking about being so miserable, etc. If you're so miserable, you need to take steps to change it that aren't dependent on forcing your partner to agree to marry you.

[differentcountries]

If there is a possability to close the distance without marriage, that will probably be best, both in general and specificly since he is ambivalent towards marriage. According to your listing, you have been together close to 3 years. That is quite some time without closing the distance, at the same time others have gone beyong that and are still up for it. If you have to wait another two years, those could be time well spent with education and getting to know each other even more. What if you turn the problem around and say that waiting and closing the distance by another mean can be your gift to SO? He clearly has issues about marriage and starts to feel cornered by your marriage or else-approach. His misery is as real as yours. You expect him to end your misery, and to do this by a mean that stresses him a lot. If it was the other way around, would you think that was fair? I would not say anything if this was the ONLY way, but you mention the other way and the only thing hindering you to go down that road is that you seem to be almost claustrophobic in your own country. While it can be good to get away sometimes, it also points to that you may have some issues that you need to deal with on your own. Feeling sorry for oneself can be very appropriate and soothing, it is just not very helpful when trying to find practical soloutions. You even speak a little as if you moving there to marry him will somehow save you. Be aware of your thinking in these matters.

Also, if he is afraid to marry you, he will more than likely be stressed out by the thought that you are willing to compromise your career to be with him. Because that makes him to a large extent responsable for your happiness. While it is ok to rely on the other to find meaning and fun in life, it can be very heavy to feel the entire weight of another person on your back.

If you can move after your education is done, well - there is your end date right there.

[MissButterfly]

I'm seeing it as very black and white - if you love someone you should want them with you and want them to be happy even if it means doing something you don't want to do.

So how does that not count for you? Shouldn't you then want him to be happy even if it means you cannot get married and will have to be patient and find another way? Feels like double standards.