Desperately need some words of wisdom or support/advice..

[Kyle93]

Hello everyone, I have nowhere else to turn too and I am dire need of some help with my relationship.

A little bit of info about my relationship:
We have been together for nearly 9 months now.
I live in Indiana and she lives in Ontario.
I'm currently a college student finishing up my degrees at the end of the spring semester next year.
Our plan to be together is for me to get a Canadian Visa and start work up there for us to be together.
She does not want to move away because she loves her life and Canada and we would be much better off if I were to move up there since I have no debts/loans/extensive bills to pay.
She's 27, I'm 21.

So my girlfriend (Lauren) and I (Kyle) have been so happy together we tell each other everything have the late night, mushy talks. All of it, you name it. She tells me she wants to get married to me and spend her life with me eventually and I feel the same way for her.
We only get to see each other when we get time off from work or if we have a long weekend to see each other, but here recently things have been so emotionally devastating on her.
I just returned from Canada about a two weeks ago, and everything was wonderful with us. No problems, nothing. We loved each others' company and cherished every second we had together.
But the time span we have inbetween of seeing each other is rather large; About 2-4 months at a time. And we only get to see each other for a couple weeks at a time, or a couple days (Long Weekend).

Right now we were trying to see if we could be with each other for an extended amount of time for a few months, and my girlfriend lives her mum at the moment. I am the only one able to go up there and do this but her mum doesn't feel to sure about me staying up there for an extended time. She can't leave yet because her job requires her to work there for a year before she goes on vacation. I am in the process of leaving my job to start a paid internship by October or a little bit earlier, so it made sense for us to try to strive to be together while I was job-free. But since her mum isn't feeling to keen on the idea of me staying up there for that long we are trying to see if she is okay for a month sometime this year

Here lately we have been having talks to try to figure out what's wrong. Lauren has been so depressed.
Her and I love to be around the person we love and when we can't have that with each other, it's get to us to where sometimes we have breakdowns on the phone with each other or something of the sort.
For the last week she has been so distraught at everything. She doesn't want to do anything, she told me she just wants to curl up into a hole and do nothing because she can't take the pain of being away from me for so long.
We have no idea what to do, and we do not want to give up on each other. We love each other deeply, but Lauren is having such a rough time with it all that she can't be mushy with me, she doesn't want to talk to anybody, she just wants to stop doing everything and lay in bed all the time.

I have no idea what to do, I've tried suggesting that we just go with the flow on everything and see how talking to each other a little less works out for her mind, because her mind is so overwhelmed right now it's put into an emotional overload with everything.
She works a full time job as a service administrator at Nissan and I work as a full time shift manager at a restaurant. So we are busy people and only get to see or really talk with each other on the weekends and late nights during the week days.

I desperately need some advice on what we should do.
Her and I do not want to give up on each other, but we don't know what to do.

EDIT: 11:15p.m.

I just got a text from her telling me this "I am so sorry I've turned into a selfish cold hearted person. You don't deserve to be treated this way at all. I don't know what I want to do with our situation. I know I love you; but also know that I will be even more depressed and emotionally drained because of this long distance factor."

I replied and now we're talking but we still don't know what to do. We do know she needs to clear her mind and figure out what she needs to do. And I have reassured her that I am not going anywhere and that I love her too.

[Unconditional]

If you don't want to give on you guys being together, then don't! Simply take it one day at a time, be happy for every single minute of communication, and not sad for every minute of silence.
I'm sure this probably isn't the advice that you want, but it's all I got.
Best of luck to you all! =)

[Kyle93]

If you don't want to give on you guys being together, then don't! Simply take it one day at a time, be happy for every single minute of communication, and not sad for every minute of silence.
I'm sure this probably isn't the advice that you want, but it's all I got.
Best of luck to you all! =)

It's always nice getting a reply from someone though so I appreciate the feedback ^_^

It's just she has said it herself. She isn't happy and it is not because of me. It's because she can't be mushy with me and she has no idea why. She said she just needs to clear her mind and figure herself out.

[squeeker]

I think the best advice might be what Unconditional said, just take it one day at a time. It sucks to be apart, but you know at least one day you will be able to be together as you both seem to have decent jobs, and things. It is a bit weird that her mom isn't letting you have an extended visit, but if it's her house that you'd be staying at, I guess you have to play by her rules. Maybe you could try and see what is behind her mom's reasoning for why you shouldn't be up there on an extended visit. Otherwise, just take it one day at a time... or at least maybe it would be better to plan further ahead, for a time you can be more certain that you will be able to live together... maybe writing up a list of your choices.. good luck and stay strong.

[Unconditional]

I still go with what I said before, no pressure, and just be happy with today. Every day.is special, with or without communication because you know you are with the person you really love.

[Kyle93]

That's the most we really can do for the moment. It's just hard on her right now because she keeps saying she is only to get worse with her emotional depression, but we will continue to take each day as it is and see what her mum's reasoning is behind her answer. Hopefully all this gets better in time for I am really trying to keep her from getting any worse by being there as much as I can

[Ahava]

Can't she travel to you for an extended visit?

And about depression and her not feeling well. She has to have other things in her life to make her happy besides you.
If the problem is depression she needs to have it treated one way or another (I know this because I have suffered for decades).
You can't be her only reason for living. What if you died or something else happened?
She needs to have her life and happiness on a good foundation and you should be the extra lovely thing that make her life even more complete and happier.
But you shouldn't be her crunches.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If she is having difficulty getting out of bed, she might be struggling with medical depression, not just the way people sometimes used "depressed" to mean really sad. If that's the case, she may need to talk to a doctor. Depression is serious and needs professional help, but usually can be managed quite well to lead a happy life.

If it's not medical depression, it sounds like an LDR just might not be a viable option for her. In that case, you guys could talk about taking a break and seeing if things will work again down the road when you could be together in person, or something.

I realize it's different for everyone, and different people have different lengths of time they feel they can handle without seeing their partners and such, but yours is actually pretty short compared to many posters here. Some people go years in between seeing each other in person, and some are dealing with going years before they can even consider closing the distance.

Now obviously that doesn't mean that your SO should just "suck it up" or something, but unfortunately, being in an LDR usually means periods of not being able to physically be together. It sounds like that might be something your SO just plain can't handle.

Being in an LDR is extremely hard, and there's nothing wrong with not being able (or wanting) to deal with it. It might be worth thinking about whether the two of you could come to some sort of agreement to put things on hold or whatever, especially if this is honestly putting her mental health in jeopardy.

Good luck!

[Sanja]

It would be good if she talked to a professional about the way she's been feeling. Yes, being in a LDR brings on some challenges, but it's possible to overcome them through good communication and mutual support. The fact that all she wants to do is stay in bed could be a sign of a little more than just being depressed about being away from you. I have been in a similar situation and finally decided it was time to seek professional help. Getting the medication has helped me a lot. I hope you get things figured out and she gets to feeling better. Good luck.

[merlinkitty]

1. Depression: Encourage her to get help for this. Canadians don't have the same healthcare issues that we Americans deal with. See what resources she has because there is no shame in getting help. Unmanaged depression can be life-altering and devastating for everyone. Like many who've commented, I've dealt with it on and off as long as I can remember. As a depressed person, owning my depression, taking responsibility for my well-being, and not feeling ashamed or shunned because of it helped me make the right decisions I needed to make for myself. She has to make the decision to help herself. You can't do this for her. But you can be there for her, and encourage her to do the things that will help her get well. Take some time and research it for yourself to better understand what she's going through and how you can be part of her recovery, if that is what you want. Vitamin D and exercise are two things that really help boost the chemicals that make you feel so down and out, and are, ironically, the last thing a depressed person wants.

2. Her mom: I hate to say this. If the mom isn't comfortable with you moving in with her, then don't consider it. If you two would like to get married some day, then ticking off your future mother-in-law probably isn't the best option. Instead, focus on the things that are going to get you both in a position to support each other. Independently of her mother. At some point, I assume, you'd both like to have a home of your own. Doing the things now that are going to move you toward being better able to provide each other the things you will need for a long-term relationship to survive (money, roof over your heads, basic comforts) will save you a lot of arguing and heartache down the road. Envision where you would both like to be in a year, two, or five and start making the changes that you need to get there. This might also help with her depression. Being in an LDR is fraught with uncertainty and complications that make having a life together at some point seem nearly impossible. Focusing on the things that will provide a solution to your current distance will help keep the end goal in sight, which is ultimately being together.

3. You: Make sure you take care of you. Congratulations on being so close to the end of your degree program! I bet you never thought you'd get there! this is a fantastic accomplishment and proves that you can make a long-term plan, stick with it, and reach the finish line. Continue to take care of you, even after you finish the program. Be there for Lauren, and be there for you. Depression is a difficult, despair driven disease. You cannot fix this for her. You can be there for her, encourage her, prod her when she needs it. But you cannot force her to get help. You cannot force her to take responsibility for herself. She can get well, even in an LDR. When I met my SO I wasn't eating, I wasn't working, I was not functioning on much of a level. He provided me the support and encouragement that I needed to help myself. But do not take the blame on yourself if she doesn't help herself. This is not your responsibility.

For the problems you two are going through, identify them, and find solutions for them. And work toward those solutions. It's all we can do. I think you two can work through this if you're both willing to. But take some time, research what she's going through, find resources to help you cope, and encourage her to seek help. Hang in there most of us pull out of it eventually

I really like this blog, and this pretty much sums up what depression feels like
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c...-part-two.html

[Kyle93]

Thank you all so much for your responses.
LDRs are stressful to deal with at times and Lauren and I are going to discuss about taking a break with each other tonight. We're not breaking up but we are going to consider taking a break so we can focus on ourselves and start back up when the time comes that we can be together for an extended time period.

[Kyle93]

1. Depression: Encourage her to get help for this. Canadians don't have the same healthcare issues that we Americans deal with. See what resources she has because there is no shame in getting help. Unmanaged depression can be life-altering and devastating for everyone. Like many who've commented, I've dealt with it on and off as long as I can remember. As a depressed person, owning my depression, taking responsibility for my well-being, and not feeling ashamed or shunned because of it helped me make the right decisions I needed to make for myself. She has to make the decision to help herself. You can't do this for her. But you can be there for her, and encourage her to do the things that will help her get well. Take some time and research it for yourself to better understand what she's going through and how you can be part of her recovery, if that is what you want. Vitamin D and exercise are two things that really help boost the chemicals that make you feel so down and out, and are, ironically, the last thing a depressed person wants.

2. Her mom: I hate to say this. If the mom isn't comfortable with you moving in with her, then don't consider it. If you two would like to get married some day, then ticking off your future mother-in-law probably isn't the best option. Instead, focus on the things that are going to get you both in a position to support each other. Independently of her mother. At some point, I assume, you'd both like to have a home of your own. Doing the things now that are going to move you toward being better able to provide each other the things you will need for a long-term relationship to survive (money, roof over your heads, basic comforts) will save you a lot of arguing and heartache down the road. Envision where you would both like to be in a year, two, or five and start making the changes that you need to get there. This might also help with her depression. Being in an LDR is fraught with uncertainty and complications that make having a life together at some point seem nearly impossible. Focusing on the things that will provide a solution to your current distance will help keep the end goal in sight, which is ultimately being together.

3. You: Make sure you take care of you. Congratulations on being so close to the end of your degree program! I bet you never thought you'd get there! this is a fantastic accomplishment and proves that you can make a long-term plan, stick with it, and reach the finish line. Continue to take care of you, even after you finish the program. Be there for Lauren, and be there for you. Depression is a difficult, despair driven disease. You cannot fix this for her. You can be there for her, encourage her, prod her when she needs it. But you cannot force her to get help. You cannot force her to take responsibility for herself. She can get well, even in an LDR. When I met my SO I wasn't eating, I wasn't working, I was not functioning on much of a level. He provided me the support and encouragement that I needed to help myself. But do not take the blame on yourself if she doesn't help herself. This is not your responsibility.

For the problems you two are going through, identify them, and find solutions for them. And work toward those solutions. It's all we can do. I think you two can work through this if you're both willing to. But take some time, research what she's going through, find resources to help you cope, and encourage her to seek help. Hang in there most of us pull out of it eventually

Thank YOU! Especially for your words.

These were so enlightening to read and help to give me a better understanding of what to do or things to think about.
Her and I are still willing to work on us, but we think a break is what is needed at the moment because she is so emotionally drained it's affecting her every-day life. It would help alleviate the stress we think, if we were to take a break for a little bit.

But again, thank you so much for saying what you have said, and the link to the depression site really does suit the situation.

[merlinkitty]

Thank YOU! Especially for your words.

These were so enlightening to read and help to give me a better understanding of what to do or things to think about.
Her and I are still willing to work on us, but we think a break is what is needed at the moment because she is so emotionally drained it's affecting her every-day life. It would help alleviate the stress we think, if we were to take a break for a little bit.

But again, thank you so much for saying what you have said, and the link to the depression site really does suit the situation.

You're welcome!! I understand the difficulties and totally support your (collective) decision. It's not an easy choice, but can absolutely be the right one to make at the time. I read this somewhere, but I really like it: "You work on you for me, and I'll work on me for you." Or something to that effect A healthier "me" and "you" can make a healthier "us"

[Kyle93]

You're welcome!! I understand the difficulties and totally support your (collective) decision. It's not an easy choice, but can absolutely be the right one to make at the time. I read this somewhere, but I really like it: "You work on you for me, and I'll work on me for you." Or something to that effect A healthier "me" and "you" can make a healthier "us"

This is EXACTLY our thoughts on this It's not going to be easy, but it feels like it is definitely the best decision we can make at the time with all of our current things going on at the moment. We want to do what will best help us in the future and hopefully this is what we need to help make us a healthier couple when the time comes that we can be together again, when our lives are not so hectic.