I really thought I wouldn't be back here. The past couple of weeks have been really intense and emotionally draining. Last month my SO blindsided me with the news that he was uncertain about our ability to make our relationship 'normal' rather than long distance. He also told me of his trust issues, insecurities and other general fears that I knew nothing about. It was hard having the most positive, optimistic guy, who, quite literally had been my 'rock' when the distance became too much for me to cope with...just fall apart before me, thousands of miles away. And worse being that I couldn't do anything about it.
I gave him time to decide what he wanted, eventually he asked for one more day, and I clung onto hope that he would come around. But he didn't, he felt it was best for us to go our separate ways (as far as a couple goes, but wanted to remain friends). No doubt I was completely crushed, and we tried to go the "just friends" route, but it wasn't working for us. He realized it wasn't what he wanted after all, it wasn't what I wanted that's for sure! So again, we were back on and 'together'. However, for me, his doubts became my doubts, again he was the positive and optimistic one... and that 'dark cloud' of doubts and fears now hung over my head. In two weeks time, each of us had our turn of breaking it off with the other person. It left us both emotionally exhausted, hurt and confused.
Doing a bit of 'soul searching' and looking back on the past month, I realized a few things about myself. A month ago it felt as though he was pulling away from me. The way he talked to me was completely different, there was no 'sex chat' (which is really important for me, since we can't be together physically), I would e-mail him things to wake up to in the morning, and get no response or anything back in return. The relationship started to feel very one-sided. But being the type of person I am, I didn't say much, I just kept going in hopes that things would go back to normal. But they never did, and eventually, I got tired, and started to pull away a little myself. I am the type who needs attention and affection on a somewhat regular basis. Tough to get in a LDR, but not impossible. And because I wasn't getting those things, I felt very unloved and unwanted. Between what I was feeling, plus his news of being uncertain of everything, and my own doubts, and the distance on top of it all, it just became TOO much.
We're talking again (as of Monday, but we've never really been able to go more than a day without talking to each other, even after 'breaking up'), and I told him how I've been feeling (mentioned all the above to him). Truth is, I love him. And as much as I want companionship, love, affection, ect..I only want those things with him. I still haven't gotten over the fact he's not coming to see me this month (something I've been looking forward to for months, it would have been our first meeting).
I am hoping that by finding myself again, and focusing on my happiness (rather than "OMG THE DISTANCE") all the time, will help me, and eventually help us, as a couple. And truthfully, with him wanting to go back into the army, I'm thinking the distance may just be a blessing in disguise. As I told him yesterday, I need to learn to rely more on myself, and handle the distance a lot better, this way I can handle it when he's back in the military. If I can make it through THIS, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.
I gave him time to decide what he wanted, eventually he asked for one more day, and I clung onto hope that he would come around. But he didn't, he felt it was best for us to go our separate ways (as far as a couple goes, but wanted to remain friends). No doubt I was completely crushed, and we tried to go the "just friends" route, but it wasn't working for us. He realized it wasn't what he wanted after all, it wasn't what I wanted that's for sure! So again, we were back on and 'together'. However, for me, his doubts became my doubts, again he was the positive and optimistic one... and that 'dark cloud' of doubts and fears now hung over my head. In two weeks time, each of us had our turn of breaking it off with the other person. It left us both emotionally exhausted, hurt and confused.
Doing a bit of 'soul searching' and looking back on the past month, I realized a few things about myself. A month ago it felt as though he was pulling away from me. The way he talked to me was completely different, there was no 'sex chat' (which is really important for me, since we can't be together physically), I would e-mail him things to wake up to in the morning, and get no response or anything back in return. The relationship started to feel very one-sided. But being the type of person I am, I didn't say much, I just kept going in hopes that things would go back to normal. But they never did, and eventually, I got tired, and started to pull away a little myself. I am the type who needs attention and affection on a somewhat regular basis. Tough to get in a LDR, but not impossible. And because I wasn't getting those things, I felt very unloved and unwanted. Between what I was feeling, plus his news of being uncertain of everything, and my own doubts, and the distance on top of it all, it just became TOO much.
We're talking again (as of Monday, but we've never really been able to go more than a day without talking to each other, even after 'breaking up'), and I told him how I've been feeling (mentioned all the above to him). Truth is, I love him. And as much as I want companionship, love, affection, ect..I only want those things with him. I still haven't gotten over the fact he's not coming to see me this month (something I've been looking forward to for months, it would have been our first meeting).
I am hoping that by finding myself again, and focusing on my happiness (rather than "OMG THE DISTANCE") all the time, will help me, and eventually help us, as a couple. And truthfully, with him wanting to go back into the army, I'm thinking the distance may just be a blessing in disguise. As I told him yesterday, I need to learn to rely more on myself, and handle the distance a lot better, this way I can handle it when he's back in the military. If I can make it through THIS, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.
your story reminded me much of my own. It's been rocky, uncertain, and downright devastating from time to time. The thing that has gotten me through those rough patches have been my attention to myself. Making sure that I am okay, even though he's not emotionally (or physically) where I want him. Like Unconditional said, wishing you two the best. Thank you for sharing 
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