My first LDR

[Moon]

He already has a travel visa good till 2020 ^___^
(must admit that I just found that out. I knew he'd traveled to the US before, but not if his visa was still valid! So thank you for making me think to ask!)

That is excellent news!

[Moon]

You've only known each other a week and you're already planning on visiting?

I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking ahead, I think getting a visit out of the way as soon as you can is a good thing, not a week later maybe, but planning a bit to be ready is never a bad thing.

[Noodle]

Congratulations and good luck on your new relationship! Gamer couplers are the best lol!

And on the topic about the 'dangers of Mexico', Mexico is pretty much my back yard and what has said that there is dangerous and safer parts, just like in the US, is true. Just do your research and you'll be just fine

[GuineaPunk]

Hi Ia, welcome to the world of long distance relationships.

My mother also hit the roof when I got in a relationship with a guy from a 'dangerous' country. First time I travelled to East Africa I was with an organised group, including a group flight and an arranged pick-up at the airport. While I was in Kigali, there were grenade attacks, and within a week of landing back in the UK, there was the Westgate shopping mall massacre in Nairobi. Needless to say, I was nervous about the possibility of returning in the future, and my family went mental when I eventually booked the tickets to fly out there solo.

What you have to remember that in every country, no matter how corrupt or war-torn, the vast majority of the population are good people. It is just up to you to do your research and make sure that you really know what you are getting into, particularly as a woman travelling alone. And remember to make decisions based on your personal safety as a first priority, and not what would make your family happy. Under the pressure of my family, I changed my flight so that they would see more of me over the Christmas break, but due to that change I ended up landing in Nairobi airport at 1:00am local time. To make matters worse, my boyfriend got my flight times wrong, so he was still in bed two hours drive away while I am standing out in the dark in 'Nai-robbery' (the arrivals terminal was still being rebuilt after a big fire, so there was nowhere inside to hide in safety) trying to fend off very determined taxi drivers. Just a cautionary tale.

For me the most important thing was making sure that I trusted my boyfriend, and it has to be said I was severely knocked when I got out of the airport, and he wasn't there. Worst nightmare come true, however he made up for it during the rest of the stay. As a Mexican, there is no-one better than your S/O to advise you as to what you should and shouldn't do in order to stay as safe as possible. But of course do your own research as well. Just make sure that you get to the bottom of how genuine he is before you actually start booking any flights

[darkenchantress]

Hello Ia I'm Karrissa!

My bf is in Canada and my mom about had a coronary lol (we also met on an MMO!) So sometimes I think that they want to just convince you not to leave too? I don't know, but I think that as long as you've researched it, and feel comfortable, then why not? Best wishes and nice to meet you!

[Iaria]

thank you thank you everyone for all your stories and advice <3 it's really great to hear you all and feel supported <3

Most recently I've been struggling with keeping things secret.
I tend to be open about what I'm up to, who I'm hanging out with, etc. But the reactions I'm getting about my LDR are often negative ;-; It seems to unhealthy to lie about my relationship, but, at this point, I think it's going to be the easiest option. At least until we've known each other for an extended time.
I'm getting a lot of comments of "you seem a lot happier - what's new?" and I don't even know to how to begin to dodge that question without a flat out lie.

[merlinkitty]

I definitely have had this problem. Like right now my mom is okay with him and my gut is telling me it's because he's 5000+ miles away and he's not a "real" threat. I maybe totally off base with her though. She's been strangely supportive of him, which is totally what I'm not used to with her and my SOs.

But, I've been telling her about him for over a year now and I remember, at first, she was really skeptical. She kept telling me all the reasons why people online were all liars and frauds and stuff, but I kept reminding her that I was online and I am certainly not a fraud or a fake lol I've got another female friend that I'm very close to as well who is another long-distance, never met in real life person. These are two of the closest relationships I have ever had.

Some of my friends were really reticent when I told them about him, like when it started to get a little more serious. I could tell they thought it was a joke, they would blow it off or tell me things like an online relationship is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. That someone online can be fake and whoever they want to be. That they have no real substance.

This is certainly true. But when I got into this with my mom, especially, I told her that this kind of faking and lying is done in real life, too. Granted, you can't lie to someone effectively in person about how tall you are, if you're skinny or heavy, or any other physical attribute. But there is a certain level of trust that has to be there in any relationship that you have, whether that be face to face or long-distance.

And the fact is that I trust him. Implicitly.

When I'm talking to friends and they bring up the issues that they're having with their SO it usually boils down to a lack of communication. That's really what an LDR is. That's the bulk of what you have with that person; communication. I feel more confident of the relationship that I have with this man I've never seen in real life than I have ever had with any person I've ever been friends with, and most certainly, ever dated.

This turned out a lot longer than I had intended lol but I think it's important to understand. The negative reactions that people have are for a multitude of reasons. These things might be because they care about you and don't want to see you hurt, they don't understand, they're jealous, they think you're crazy pursuing this, they're confused as to how someone could fall for a person they've never met, they're unhappy with their own lives, they are worried you might be getting "catfished"...the list goes on and on.

The best thing I've learned is to respect their opinions, because they do have as much of a right to them as you do to yours. But it does make me reluctant to talk to them about him in any context. He's mine to love and get frustrated with. He's mine to relish conversations with and be defensive over. He always tells me "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." You know your situation better than anyone and can put it all in context in a way that they never will

[Iaria]

I definitely have had this problem. Like right now my mom is okay with him and my gut is telling me it's because he's 5000+ miles away and he's not a "real" threat. I maybe totally off base with her though. She's been strangely supportive of him, which is totally what I'm not used to with her and my SOs.

But, I've been telling her about him for over a year now and I remember, at first, she was really skeptical. She kept telling me all the reasons why people online were all liars and frauds and stuff, but I kept reminding her that I was online and I am certainly not a fraud or a fake lol I've got another female friend that I'm very close to as well who is another long-distance, never met in real life person. These are two of the closest relationships I have ever had.

Some of my friends were really reticent when I told them about him, like when it started to get a little more serious. I could tell they thought it was a joke, they would blow it off or tell me things like an online relationship is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. That someone online can be fake and whoever they want to be. That they have no real substance.

This is certainly true. But when I got into this with my mom, especially, I told her that this kind of faking and lying is done in real life, too. Granted, you can't lie to someone effectively in person about how tall you are, if you're skinny or heavy, or any other physical attribute. But there is a certain level of trust that has to be there in any relationship that you have, whether that be face to face or long-distance.

And the fact is that I trust him. Implicitly.

When I'm talking to friends and they bring up the issues that they're having with their SO it usually boils down to a lack of communication. That's really what an LDR is. That's the bulk of what you have with that person; communication. I feel more confident of the relationship that I have with this man I've never seen in real life than I have ever had with any person I've ever been friends with, and most certainly, ever dated.

This turned out a lot longer than I had intended lol but I think it's important to understand. The negative reactions that people have are for a multitude of reasons. These things might be because they care about you and don't want to see you hurt, they don't understand, they're jealous, they think you're crazy pursuing this, they're confused as to how someone could fall for a person they've never met, they're unhappy with their own lives, they are worried you might be getting "catfished"...the list goes on and on.

The best thing I've learned is to respect their opinions, because they do have as much of a right to them as you do to yours. But it does make me reluctant to talk to them about him in any context. He's mine to love and get frustrated with. He's mine to relish conversations with and be defensive over. He always tells me "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." You know your situation better than anyone and can put it all in context in a way that they never will

yeah, a lot of it is just the "wait till you meet in in person" "don't take this seriously" and sometimes even this almost pity of "you deserve better"
like... what I have is just about as perfect as I could ask for.
It's not like I woke up one day and was like "MAN. I REALLY WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. LETS GO FIND ONE"
he fell in my lap, and would give ANYTHING to have him here, but we don't have that luxury.

[Unconditional]

yeah, a lot of it is just the "wait till you meet in in person" "don't take this seriously" and sometimes even this almost pity of "you deserve better"
like... what I have is just about as perfect as I could ask for.
It's not like I woke up one day and was like "MAN. I REALLY WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. LETS GO FIND ONE"
he fell in my lap, and would give ANYTHING to have him here, but we don't have that luxury.

When my SO and I talked for like six months, I finally decided to tell my cousins, who I thought would understand and be happy for me, but the one said "be careful, don't fall for him" & "don't forget about local boys."
When I talked to the other cousin (well was my bff for years!) About him being deployed she said "How do you know he's not lying to you?" Like she pitied me. Needless to say I don't talk to them about him, instead I stuck to my best friend who has been there since day one of this relationship.
I thought my grandma wouldn't understand, however she was really cool about it, even the idea of him coming over this summer. =)

I don't think they understand that neither of us asked for this, neither of us was looking for an LDR or finding someone online. We both couldn't be happier though, and that should be enough you would think. But, obviously not.
I just ignore them now.

[merlinkitty]

yeah, a lot of it is just the "wait till you meet in in person" "don't take this seriously" and sometimes even this almost pity of "you deserve better"
like... what I have is just about as perfect as I could ask for.
It's not like I woke up one day and was like "MAN. I REALLY WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. LETS GO FIND ONE"
he fell in my lap, and would give ANYTHING to have him here, but we don't have that luxury.

Hahaha! Exactly. This is so hard with the distance factor, why would anyone think doing this is "easy" is beyond me.

Like she pitied me. Needless to say I don't talk to them about him, instead I stuck to my best friend who has been there since day one of this relationship.
I thought my grandma wouldn't understand, however she was really cool about it, even the idea of him coming over this summer. =)

I don't think they understand that neither of us asked for this, neither of us was looking for an LDR or finding someone online. We both couldn't be happier though, and that should be enough you would think. But, obviously not.
I just ignore them now.

It's been surprising to me the ones that have been behind this from the get go, and who hasn't. The people I thought would be happy for me after what they saw me go through and the ones who actually are happy for me. It's really taught me a lot about the people I surround myself with.

[Unconditional]

@merlinkitty

Exactly! My freaked when I told her I was talking to someone online...so I don't really want to tell her until he's actually here and she can meet him.. other than that, I totally thought my grandma would freak-but she didn't I was amazed lol

[BlueCat]

Early on I also got a lot of mixed replies. Everyone would say "how do you know he's not cheating on you" and all that sort of thing. It was hard, but it's changed a lot now. I'm not sure whether because in the last seven or eight years online relationships have become a lot more common, or whether it's because we've been together for much longer, but most people that I tell now are really interested. It's possibly partly about attitude too. When we were new to LDR and I would tell people, I would do so a little nervously because I was worried what they might think. Now whenever people ask, I'm much more positive in how I approach telling them.

It's very hard, when you're new to an LDR, to get those negative and mixed opinions from people. They all want to tell you what you should be doing and how you should be living your life, but it's your life. To be honest I found the lack of support from people in general to be quite difficult, and I think that's partly what led me to shutting myself in from people a bit more.