Coping is hard...

[velkoria]

Hi! I am just on here because I need to get this out and my SO is sleeping and I feel like crap. Thing is, as many of you know, I live in Venezuela and things are not good here but I deal with it just fine. I had accepted my fate int his country and now... Shit sort of hit the fan. I just... I feel so selfish. I want to shake my SO and tell him to find someone near him who he doesn't need to 'save' and who isn't in danger all the time and who makes his life easier not harder. I wish I wasn't someone he had to move for, someone he had to work so hard for. I don't WANT to be saved... I love him. I love him so much. Ever since we decided to do this I saw him and I saw my future husband, the future father of my children and now it all feels so bad to put that on him. I wish I could let him go but he insists he wants to be with me, no matter what. I feel selfish, I feel horrible and part of me wishes I could turn my computer off and never turn it back on again so he didn't have to see me.

I'm rambling. I just feel horrible.

[JaneEmily]

Trust me these feelings are normal in an LDR. Sometimes you feel like nothing can touch you, but then you hit a low - you realise how hard it actually is sometimes and you feel like your other half would be happier without you. I've had these feelings many times, usually they only last 2-3 days at the most and then I'm back on track with controlling my anxiety after my SO reassures me everything will be okay, and we'll get through it. And just knowing I have him to talk to makes me happy and I start feeling better about the whole situation. Yes, the distance is never ideal. But one day...we'll be the ones who are closer to our loved ones and that makes it feel twenty times better.

I know it's really hard trying to get back up from feeling they deserve someone closer, and when you feel like this - let it out to your SO. You'll just end up more frustrated by not letting it out. I'm sure you guys can make it work. It's early days yet, but you can both do it <3 Just communicate these feelings to him, and I'm sure he'll make you feel tons better just by expressing how you feel with it all.

Good luck <3

[bubblehits]

Me and my SO have been through some low points too. It's not that situation as you but at Christmas my SO was made redundant and has since struggled to find a job as a result of that paying his rent was becoming difficult several times he nearly ended up homeless and each time he would get severely depressed. He threatened to kill himself at one point and each time he would say that he was worthless, why was I still with him, why did I like him. He said he should leave and find someone else in my own country.
It doesn't help that my SO suffers from anxiety so he is always fearful.

I've gone through something similar, my last boyfriend died in September last year and then in December, around the time I met my SO, it was announced that he had been murdered. In my mind I was in a black hole and I didn't want to get out, I cried all the time I got depressed. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone so I tried to shut my SO out but he wouldn't have any of it. I would get messages, I would get voice clips and when I finally got coaxed out of my hole he was there with kind words.

I know it's hard, and if he really wants to be with you, I don't think anything will stop him.

[standingoutsidethefire]

I can really relate. Yesterday my SO was telling me about how he had gotten invited out but didn't go because he would have been the third wheel. Then telling me about a friend who didn't have a girlfriend, ect. He was just making conversation I'm sure, but I sat there feeling really awful. Sometimes I still worry that I am holding him back from having a life. And that it would be easier for him to just find someone where he's at. And coping with the distance is incredibly difficult at times. Just make sure that it doesn't last more than a few days. I went through a period of depression from my LDR, to where all I did was cry and sleep, I withdrew from friends and family, I was walking around in a haze. I'm not in that place anymore, but I'm not completely out of it either. I'm hoping one day to be 'back to normal'.

[GuineaPunk]

Have you tried telling him what you have just told us?

I have had moments of doubt about our LDR, particularly as we our minds are working on fairly different time-scales. He wants to close the distance, get married, have children, like NOW. Whereas I want to take some more time, and make sure that we are the right fit for each other, particularly as we are from such vastly different cultures and backgrounds. As a young white woman in Kenya, it would be very difficult for me to get a job, and I certainly could never live without working as I do now, so it is looking as thought he is the one to make the move (unless he absolutely hates the lifestyle here when he visits, in which case we will have to reconsider our options.) I was feeling guilty about it heading down that trajectory, I wanted to be honestly content with what my life would be in his village there, but I know that I couldn't be. So one day I just said to him "Wouldn't you rather just find yourself a girlfriend there, one who would be happy to settle down and start a family in the next year or two, with all of your same traditions?" He told me that I was being silly, that he loved me. He said that as long as we both had roughly the same final destination in mind, then we would make everything else slot into place.

This is why I love that man, we are always so reasonable with each other.

You might find that if you talk to your man, he will do something similar and reaffirm his feelings for you regardless of the situation either of you are in.

[rhabdoviridae]

He wouldn't be with you if he felt so imposed upon. You aren't forcing him to continue the relationship - he wants to continue it because he cares about you. I know that's not the romantic answer or anything, but don't let yourself feel selfish; let him know how much you appreciate his sacrifice either through words or actions.

[differentcountries]

Love is really easy - you do what it takes, for as long as you have faith. Trust in what you have, and you will find strenght and creativity to pull it through.

[farandaway]

Is there the other side to this, I mean that if one person in LDR is flexible and ready to get together and move on and it's always the other one who is in a situation where they cannot move ahead (for an unknown timeframe, it's been a year now). In this case the person who is stuck in his life, does he have the right to expect forever commitment? He is never saying go find someone else (not that I really want to). Earlier on he would say if you really love someone set them free. I've been very supportive but he is ever still stuck and cannot leave and we have many things to solve to be together but I've been waiting for him for a year now. I have the strength to finally finish my divorce and be free to be with him and he wants to do the same but it has not been as easy for him. Is he selfish not ever suggesting anything but he keeps me holding on to this situation. I don't want to let go off him but I want to know when and he cannot give me that answer.