Letting go or holding on... Need advice please.

[texasgal]

I'm not on here often and when I am its because I'm having a major issue with my relationship. Some people have told me in our past issues to work through them and others have told me to please move on. THank you everyone for the advice you have given to me. I didn't give in and decided to try harder especially since I hadnt met him and wanted to so badly.... So whats happened since the last time I was on here? Well we met! :') WE actually met. I worked two jobs, almost two full time jobs to save up to go and see him. It was a lot of work and drained me phsyically and mentally but was worth what could be because I was seeing him in a few months! The meeting was pretty amazing and the hardest ever. Meeting someone for the first time that youve known for years is pretty dramatic! There were tears, some little awkward moments and a lot of adjusting but mainly on my part. I went to visit him in Morocco. In the space of two weeks you could say I experienced a LOT! I met HIM! ( wow!! Finallyyyy!!!!!!!!!! :'D He was different than what I thought or had imagined him to be but not in a bad way.. im sure many have experienced this). I met his family , literally ALLLLL of them lol Uncles, aunts, grandmas, etc! ( they were sooo sweet and loving but it was a little awkward and hard for me due to the communicaiton barrier and customs. PLus it was a lot of pressure on me. ) I took showers with buckets of water, tried snails for my first time, all different kinds of food, used holes in the ground as my toilet, went and climbed mountains together, made out, rode camels, got sick from the cold weather and jet lag, my family freaked out on me and were threatening to call the US security office and say I'd been kidnapped, etc! WHat a whirlwind for me.... but through it all my heart broke coming home. I was leaving my baby when I jsut wanted to be with him every day. Thank God no one was sitting next to me on the plane because there were tissues everywhere and tears falling and snot running... heheheh TMI. That literally was the best expereince of my life. He was so sweet, such a gentleman, loving and had such good relationships with his family. I got to hold his hand!!! Kiss him!! Hug hima dn fall asleep with him!!!!!!!! ... and then reality.. I was back home. Alone. Living on my own and working two jobs.

The next few months after that he got so busy with work because his goal is to save up money, get a car etc so that the authorities will recognize that he has things "tying" him back home so they would allow himt o get a visa when he applied. I feel like he forgot about me and was so focused on the future that the now was forgotten which is crazily needed in relationships especially long distance! He got in debt when I came to visit him so he wasnt able to get me anything for my bday or valentines which is okay.. made me a little sad but okay. What I didnt understand is how it oesnt tak emoney to do things for someone. I would ask him to send me ecards, special long messages, ask for his address ( bc he moved) so that I could send him gifts and cards, asked him to simply send me a letter in the mail.... and honestly. He would say he would but not one of those things happened. I needed his time and effort and wasn't receiving anything. I started slipping away emotionally.

Then add on top of that he started finding a lot of issues with me and what I was wearing and doing with my time. He would get super moody and not agree with me wearing tights to the gym, shorts in public, a shirt that shows my shoulder, going out with my brother to have a drink because he needed someone, saying I go to the gym too much etc. It really drove me crazy. When I would ask him what his plans are to come here he would answer with this, " Maybe 2 , maybe 5 years I can visit. I dont know. But what are you doing for us? YOu havent done much for us. Would you really not be able to get married to bring me there if that was our last option... wow you wouldnt?! Im so shocked" ..e tc. the situation got turned around onto me. It really affected me that he didnt know and couldnt talk with me about it like an adult. It scared me and made a part of my heart die.... 2 years?! 5 years?! Never?!? Am I wasting my life?!

A month later my brothers wife is deciding to leave him. She was my best friend and my brothers everything. Suicidal, broken he moved in with me. That month took my time away from my relationship despite how hard I tried.. but when I come home and my brother is googling how to commit suicide and is sobbing laying on the floor I had to be there for him. So working two jobs, suicidal brother, loss of a best friend and trying to manage the issues being placed on my shoulders in my LDR and trying to find time literally was the worst month of my life. Ive never felt so alone, so tired and worn out, so out of it. I needed my bf to have his arms around me, someone to hold me as I cry... and I was alone trying to carry everything. My bf/ex added more problems for me. I told him he has to accept me the way I am and love me for me or leave and find someone better for him. The day I decided to break up with him was the day he told me that I hurt him when I told him that, the day he told me that he woudl try to make himself a happy bf with the decisions that I make but he will probably be disappinted in me. I was tired of hearing that, trying so hard and for literally the past 3 years of my life that I wasn't living. That my life was nothing but working and being with him in front of my computer... I couldnt imagine th enext 3 years or so of my life like that.

Its been a month since then and things are still confusing and insane. HE decided to try and win me back and write me a letter every day for up to 40. He succeeded at writing 20something emails. He promised our issues will be fixed if we work and communicate rightly. Every doubt that I have he has tried answering and actually communicating about... but my wall is built up. He tells me to trust him but I don't know how to now. The second I think about getting back together I feel happy and its my baby but to think of going through those issues and having to work on them builds my stress level to the roof again and I cant breathe. Ive tried letting go but it feels impossible to say goodbye... but I cant get in it again and IDK why. I begged him to please be my friend during this time. Lets keep the communication open and if he does end up coming here or getting a visa then lets see what happens but until then I dont know if I can live the next who knows how many years of my life on a promise that isnt even in your hands to be able to make but I cant lose communication with him. He said he isnt able to do that and I have to be ALLLL in and working on this or he is gone and moving on becaus ehe has to. I know this month has been hell for him too and I understand.. kind of. Today he said goodbye about 5 times and hten asked me to please be all in and his gf about 5 times. I told him to give me a little bit of time and he said I could have it after I said yes??? I couldnt breathe or think and the chaos wouldnt stop and he wouldnt allow me my space so finally in a moment of anger and desperation I yelled " Fine! Now jsut leave me alone!" .. and now Im angry at him and dont want to talk to him for forcing an answer on me that my heart wasnt ready to make yet. For putting me at a place where I was backed into a corner and HAD to decide.

I feel like a horrible person seeing the man you love begging and pleading with you and trying so ahrd to get you to stay, offering everything that he can and being so kind and loving in it for the most part and still not having an answer. I feel like a failure for giving up. I feel like I betrayed part of myself by saying fine I was in. I feel confused and lost. I feel liek I ruined part of his life. IDK. I just feel the worst a person can....

[Alsfia]

From what you've written I would say have one last talk with him where you make clear it's over, then cut all line of contact. You said yourself, the problems he refuse to solve, that you guys clearly have, are stressing you out and you already sound like you have more stress than you (or in fact anyone) can manage. To be honest, he sounds rather controlling and childish, he won't change while he expects you to change for him. That pattern is most likely only going to get worse. Try and look at it with an outsiders perspective, is this really the kind of relationship you'd want a friend or a family member in? Controlling behaviour is never a good thing and a huge red flag, no matter how great your time together in person was.

As for your brother, is he seeing anyone professionally equipped to help him deal with this breakup? If he doesn't want to go to a therapist right away there are usually suicidal hotlines or similar where he (or you, for that matter) can call for advice. You can't help him get over this, he can't either, he has to see a professional (obviously there are exceptions but they are very few and very far between).

Best of luck with everything.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I see a few red flags with him:

1. he's controlling and judgmental, telling you that you can't dress the way you normally do, and telling you that you go to the gym too often, and telling you that you can't go out with your brother who needs your support right now.

2. he's not giving you any understanding or support for the extreme challenges you are facing right now with your brother in such a precarious emotional state

3. he's not giving you any idea of when or how you might close the distance, yet demanding answers from you that you don't have right now.

As for the e-cards, etc., some guys are that way. My SO finally told me, after I nagged him about it, that he hates e-cards, he hates the commercialization of special occasions, etc. So he doesn't send them to me. But he does send me special messages to inbox for special occasions.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your SO about all the issues you are having right now, and how stressed out you are (and apologize for yelling at him, while you are at it) and how you really would appreciate a little more support, and fewer demands. And if you need a bit of space and time to breathe right now, tell him that, too, but reassure him that you will be back when you can. You really don't have to cut off all contact, either. Personally, I feel that cutting off all contact and taking long breaks in an LDR will just make things worse. Communication is the lifeline in an LDR.

[texasgal]

Thank you for your reply and advice! Everything you said about the outsiders perspective and such are all things that Im trying to do. Its so hard though especially when he is saying now that we can work on himself and has changed because this has woken him up? What is your opinion on that? I feel like if we tried fixing it and those issues earlier and it didnt work then how is now any different. I want to believe it though... part of me just doesnt.

As for my brother, he was seeing two therapists at the time but stopped seeing them when they got upset with him finding out that he was also seeing someone else. One refused to see him back and the other just didn't care. Now he doesnt want to see anyone because of that. :/

[texasgal]

@Aussieamericangirl.... How have you been able to stay in your relationship for over 4 years now? Thats pretty amazing! I"m glad you were able to understand your guy when he said he doesnt like the commercialization of it. What other things do yall do outside of skyping that keeps your relaitonship alive and working?


Yeha, all of those issues do bother me. I did try in the past to communicate it and it jsut led to even bigger arguments and worse things. Now he is here and saying that they can all be worked on and fixed and its jsut really hard to believe given we had tried and tried before. He is saying he has a date now... that it should only take 2-3 years max to be able to come and visit and eventually after even more time and more visits, can make it permanent. Is that how its supposed to sound or be?

[differentcountries]

Can you perhaps visit faster if you two jointly buy a ticket for you, since you dont need a visa? It might be easier to keep motivation up like that, because the first re-visit is so important.

[Alsfia]

Thank you for your reply and advice! Everything you said about the outsiders perspective and such are all things that Im trying to do. Its so hard though especially when he is saying now that we can work on himself and has changed because this has woken him up? What is your opinion on that? I feel like if we tried fixing it and those issues earlier and it didnt work then how is now any different. I want to believe it though... part of me just doesnt.

As for my brother, he was seeing two therapists at the time but stopped seeing them when they got upset with him finding out that he was also seeing someone else. One refused to see him back and the other just didn't care. Now he doesnt want to see anyone because of that. :/

You said it best yourself; he hasn't changed before so what is going to be different now? To be honest, I doubt he is going to stop his controlling behaviour, no matter how sweet he was in the beginning. If anything, it will probably get worse, and you need to look after yourself and your safety. My impressionis he is trying to sweet talk you into coming back to you, maybe change briefly and then start bossing you around again, maybe even take it further.

I'm sorry your brother was unlucky enough to get so immature and unprofessional therapists, maybe he eventually could find a third, more professional one? What about support groups?

[merlinkitty]

You said it best yourself; he hasn't changed before so what is going to be different now? To be honest, I doubt he is going to stop his controlling behaviour, no matter how sweet he was in the beginning. If anything, it will probably get worse, and you need to look after yourself and your safety. My impressionis he is trying to sweet talk you into coming back to you, maybe change briefly and then start bossing you around again, maybe even take it further.

I am in agreement with Alsfia. I was reading your initial post and I just kept thinking about my ex the whole time. I know he isn't your guy, but the symptoms are all the same.

When I finally cut all contact with him I struggled not to lash into him for making me feel so insecure about myself. I was starting to consider labiaplasty, the criticism had sunk to that level. After he promised to change, and try harder, I would let him back in just to tell me he didn't like my hair, he thought I dressed like a hippy, he thought I could do a better job with my makeup and that his sister would be happy to help me. It felt like nothing I ever did was right. But he did it with such a smile, and a teasing laugh. He just want to "improve" me. Make me better a "better" person. He would tell my inner most secrets to people because he thought it gave me personality, something, as a shy and reserved person, apparently I didn't have enough of for his taste. I didn't notice how well he had creeped into my psyche. So I kept hanging in there, hoping he would finally do what he'd promised to do and change.

Nine years later I finally woke up and had had enough.

I try not to regret things. If I hadn't made all the decisions I had made, I wouldn't be talking to the best man I've ever met, who makes me feel beautiful and intelligent without even trying. But, if I could have done something different, it would have been to not stick around so long waiting for him to change. Who bullied and belittled me into changing to suit his tastes. Who ended up dismantling so much of my soul that it has taken years to put myself back together again with his controlling behavior.

I wouldn't want something like that for you. He needs to accept you as who you are and add to you, never take away. Right now, with so much going on in your life, you need people who are going to support you and be there for you. If he can't be that person you need him to be right now in your time of crisis, then my suspicion is that he will never be there for you when you need him. You might seriously consider whether or not he's worth keeping in touch with at all.

[texasgal]

You said it best yourself; he hasn't changed before so what is going to be different now? To be honest, I doubt he is going to stop his controlling behaviour, no matter how sweet he was in the beginning. If anything, it will probably get worse, and you need to look after yourself and your safety. My impressionis he is trying to sweet talk you into coming back to you, maybe change briefly and then start bossing you around again, maybe even take it further.

I'm sorry your brother was unlucky enough to get so immature and unprofessional therapists, maybe he eventually could find a third, more professional one? What about support groups?

@Alsfia. Youre totally right which is why I had broken up with him at first. I know that deep down its just hard to hold on to that because as time goes by I start looking back at the memories and missing him so much and it doesnt help when he is making all of these promises and I WANT to believe him.

I agree that he should try another therapist again! It helps so much talking to people ( hehe ) . He did also try out a support group for divorced people through a church here and that didn't pan out to well. The head support person killed him inside telling him " Oh she never really loved you..etc " o.O.

ANd I'm sorry I haven't gotten on to reply sooner. o.O It's been a long week. My pregnant sister lost her babies, my mom wants to leave my dad and then my ex/my guy kept contacting me despite promising space and then got mad when I picked up the phone saying " hey whats up." ( he didn't like my attitude. o.O I guess some things really do never change)

[texasgal]

I am in agreement with Alsfia. I was reading your initial post and I just kept thinking about my ex the whole time. I know he isn't your guy, but the symptoms are all the same.

When I finally cut all contact with him I struggled not to lash into him for making me feel so insecure about myself. I was starting to consider labiaplasty, the criticism had sunk to that level. After he promised to change, and try harder, I would let him back in just to tell me he didn't like my hair, he thought I dressed like a hippy, he thought I could do a better job with my makeup and that his sister would be happy to help me. It felt like nothing I ever did was right. But he did it with such a smile, and a teasing laugh. He just want to "improve" me. Make me better a "better" person. He would tell my inner most secrets to people because he thought it gave me personality, something, as a shy and reserved person, apparently I didn't have enough of for his taste. I didn't notice how well he had creeped into my psyche. So I kept hanging in there, hoping he would finally do what he'd promised to do and change.

Nine years later I finally woke up and had had enough.

I try not to regret things. If I hadn't made all the decisions I had made, I wouldn't be talking to the best man I've ever met, who makes me feel beautiful and intelligent without even trying. But, if I could have done something different, it would have been to not stick around so long waiting for him to change. Who bullied and belittled me into changing to suit his tastes. Who ended up dismantling so much of my soul that it has taken years to put myself back together again with his controlling behavior.

I wouldn't want something like that for you. He needs to accept you as who you are and add to you, never take away. Right now, with so much going on in your life, you need people who are going to support you and be there for you. If he can't be that person you need him to be right now in your time of crisis, then my suspicion is that he will never be there for you when you need him. You might seriously consider whether or not he's worth keeping in touch with at all.

Wow! <3 <3 My heart goes out to you and I do understand what you went through. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I really hope that you had people there supporting you and carrying you through that. I'm super glad to that youve found someone who loves you and gives you the respect and admiration that you deserve!

Of course its easy for me to say " Nah! My guy wasnt that extreme to me. He loves me " etc.. but then you would say something about you feeling insecure etc and yeah thats me all of the way. Whenever I pass a girl who is his religion and dressed super modestly I feel insecure right away, super sad and thinking " I can never be her. I wish but I can't". I would get depressed and he would tell me its okay and that he loves me for me but he has certain expectations for his wife and girlfriend and isn't asking too much and it wont hurt me. It would only make me a better person. Well if it doesn't hurt me then why am I so insecure and completely unhappy with myself? I'm not me. I don't even know what kind of clothes I like to wear anymore, what looks good on me, etc. What girl goes out shopping and walks around so confused that she says screw it, runs home and starts crying because she just don'est know what is acceptable to wear but that still makes her feel like herself and that she feels beautiful in. I would always feel very insecure and not comfortable going out and hanging with friends getting a drink or over to friends apartments after work if guys would be there because I knew that he wasn't happy with it and would get in his mood and then we would have issues after, etc. I always understood his point of view and respected what he wanted in someone, his beliefs and I tried to be that despite holding conversations with him about it and of course sometimes fighting over the topics as well. I didn't feel respected and accepted for me and my beliefs. I'm sure I changed some from the first day that he met me but not drastically. I was a kid when I met him and Im growing up. Going through different phases in my life. Everyone changes and will always change! I need someone to accept me and love ME no matter what changes they are. So I jsut stood up for myself and told him that I am going to be me and need him to accept that and lvoe me for who I am, to know my heart and thats the most important thing about a person. Their heart. Not the outside appearances. And thats when he told me that I hurt him with what I said.. that he would have to make himself be a happy boyfriend but knows he will be disappointed in me. That ripped my heart out and made me feel like the baddest most worthless piece of disappointment and that soemthign must be wrong with me. Who wants to ever hear that from the person they love and have given so much time and effort into? That they are a disappointment? he of course later on said that he didnt mean that and only said it because he was emotional but gosh, no. NO matter how upset or sad that I am because I dont agree with them , let alone agree over an outfit, I would never tell the person I love that they are a disappointment to me.

When you broke up and left your ex how hard was it and what helped you get over it? I could really use advice on this.

[merlinkitty]

Oh my gosh. I am so proud of you honey! Good for you for telling him he needs to accept you as you are. You are learning to stand up for yourself so much quicker than I did. So very proud of you for recognizing the things that make you unhappy and understanding that you don't have to accept that.

I want you to know I'm responding to you in full, but I'm running around for a bit so it won't be until later today. In the meantime, just remember you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there.

[merlinkitty]

Of course its easy for me to say " Nah! My guy wasnt that extreme to me. He loves me " etc.. but then you would say something about you feeling insecure etc and yeah thats me all of the way....

Your post honestly sounds almost exactly like me just over a year ago. It's hard to sum up in a few paragraphs abuse that went on for almost a decade in my case. And make no mistake, verbal/emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical. It's just a lot harder to see, or acknowledge, as a black eye would be. At the time I would have said that he wasn't "that extreme to me" but over time, it adds up, and becomes a monster lurking inside of you.

Well if it doesn't hurt me then why am I so insecure and completely unhappy with myself? I'm not me. I don't even know what kind of clothes I like to wear anymore, what looks good on me, etc....

It is hurting you. This is why emotional abuse is so hard to detect. It's a very subtle thing. In my case I can still tell you to this day that I don't think my ex is a bad guy. I just think he has some really deep seeded issues he was unwilling to address. I really began to see how deep the problems were when, ironically, my current SO during our first conversation asked me what kind of stuff I liked to do. I told him I didn't know. I couldn't remember what kind of stuff I was interested in. The revelation stunned me.

I remember shopping was a nightmare for me. My ex preferred his women to dress in a very classy, yet clubish kind of way. He never told me that I had to dress a certain way, but he would point out my inadequacies. He really liked women who wore heels, he was always encouraging me to shop at places like Guess because they sold clothes he thought looked sexy on women. So I did. I shopped for the clothes he preferred because I wanted to please him. I wanted to make him happy. I spent thousands. I ruined my credit trying to achieve this look.

He would tease me and make fun of me if I bought something he thought didn't fit his image of me and it would upset me bitterly. I remember being in tears getting ready to go out with him because I couldn't find anything to wear that would stand up to the women he was comparing me to. I remember how jealous it would make me feel because I knew I couldn't live up to his standard. And I remember him one time telling me after a particularly bad episode that he really felt horrible about seeing me there, sitting on the floor and crying, and not being able to help me. Do you think that changed his plans that night? Nope. He still left me, crying on the floor, to go out with his friends.

I now have my style back. I wasn't sure, in the beginning, what to wear. I was watching some show, one of those stupid makeover things, and this woman was standing there balling her eyes out because she couldn't find anything to wear. The stylist had watched the video of her shopping and so when they went back, she just starting grabbing item after item, piling on this massive number of clothes. It was obscene the amount she had her carrying lol and the look on this woman's face was half embarrassment, half shock. But low and behold, once she tried some stuff on, she found things she liked. For some reason this struck a chord with me and this is how I shop now. If I have a vague liking of an item I just grab it and try it on. Why not. Sometimes things work. Sometimes they don't. But at least you have a chance to see yourself as something different than the ideal you've allowed yourself to be painted as. There is a beautiful, shining, and confident woman in there waiting to come out to play again. You've just got to give her a chance

And thats when he told me that I hurt him with what I said.. that he would have to make himself be a happy boyfriend but knows he will be disappointed in me. That ripped my heart out and made me feel like the baddest most worthless piece of disappointment and that soemthign must be wrong with me. Who wants to ever hear that from the person they love and have given so much time and effort into? That they are a disappointment? he of course later on said that he didnt mean that and only said it because he was emotional but gosh, no....I would never tell the person I love that they are a disappointment to me.

I know exactly what you're talking about. No one wants to hear this from the person they love, admire, and respect. And the one thing I had to accept? He did mean it. If I look back at all the things I've said in anger, I can honestly say, for whatever reason it was, that I meant what I said. It might not have come out as nice and flowery as I had hoped. But there was something in that moment where I was saying something that was truthful to me. What I'm trying to say is don't kid yourself. He meant it. He just didn't like how it made him look like a complete and utter jerk in the process.

When you broke up and left your ex how hard was it and what helped you get over it? I could really use advice on this.

I really did think we'd be friends for life. I thought he cared about me. I still think he did, but he wasn't good for me and that was the point I had to realize and accept would never change.

Keeping him in my life was a mistake. I didn't acknowledge the weight he was bearing down on me. When I finally cut contact with him is when I truly began my healing process. I no longer had the stress of interactions with him. As I was coming out of my stupor, it was a lot harder for me to tolerate what I had come to see as all the lies and abuse. I struggled not to lash out at him. I was really angry. I was angry at myself most of all for having put myself through all of that. I was angry and depressed about how much I had lost myself.

A year ago I had quit eating, I failed and entire semester's worth of classes because I just quit doing the work. My job, I was physically there, but I was so mentally screwed up that I could have taken the time off from work and gotten the same amount of work done. I did nothing. My interactions with my friends was distracted at best. I remember the first time I heard something a friend of mine had said and I laughed. Like a real laugh. It felt weirdly normal. I was amazed that I could use an emotion that wasn't contrived.

This does not have to be your path. Your path is for you to decide. I shared this story with you so you can see the pieces that fit yourself in it. And I don't want you to think you're alone in how you're feeling now. My SO really helped me change how I look at things and that might be what you need to do as well. Change your perspective.

Trying to explain what I did to cope or heal is hard. It was a lot of things, but most importantly for me, it was being an active participant in my life again. Not just sitting on the sidelines anymore waiting for people to make decisions for me. Finding out who I am and accepting the things that I find. The good and the bad. Challenging the life I've led up to this point and changing the things I didn't like. This goes back to being an active participant in your life.

Here is something really great about your situation. He's not living with you physically. You don't have to get rid of much or any of his stuff. But what you're going to have to work on is how much space you've allowed him to occupy in you own mind. You own this space. This is your home to do with whatever you want. You don't have to live in a tiny corner of your mind anymore. You can spread out and try new ideas.

I have a small group of friends that have supported me. They saw me at my worst, they are very blunt with me when I need it, but have also given me the space I need to process through this. I listen to people's advice. Some of it doesn't work for me. Some of it has made all the difference in the world.

This is a hard request, but try and find things to do that interest you. This is a big one that pulled me out. What led me to find my SO and one of my best friends, was my interest in some topics that led me to online groups where I was able to interact with people with whom I already had something in common. It gave me perspectives on life that I'd never considered before and they're the ones that really pushed me to get my ex's stuff moved out of my apartment finally.

This isn't going to be resolved for you in one of the longest posts I've put on here lol but it's a start. Take each day, day by day and prioritize yourself. It's taken me a while to get here, I'm not perfect, but I've done the best that I can with the resources that I have. This is exactly what you're going to do. The thing I underestimated in myself the most was how damn strong I truly am. This is exactly true for you as well. There is a powerhouse inside you ready to come out. You are questioning something right now, the way you feel, the way you're being treated, and you realize that you don't like it. You can change this. This is all in your power to change. This isn't an empty offer, but please do contact me if you need moral support or need and ear to bounce things off of. Big hugs, honey. You've got this under control. It might not seem like it right now, but I can see your tides changing

[texasgal]

Your post honestly sounds almost exactly like me just over a year ago. And make no mistake, verbal/emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical. I really began to see how deep the problems were when, ironically, my current SO during our first conversation asked me what kind of stuff I liked to do. I told him I didn't know. I couldn't remember what kind of stuff I was interested in. The revelation stunned me.

I'm sorry that I just got on here to reply. I have been so busy and had zero internet connection unless at work. I have to tell you when I read your post it felt like you were speaking to my soul and I started crying. YOu are such a beautiful persona dn I cant thank you enough for taking the time to write to me like you did! <3 thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart! .... wow! The part where you said that you couldn't remember what kind of things you were interested in? Same here! I feel like such a boring bump on a log. I have no clue anymore what my goals are or what things I like to do for fun. People ask me that and I'm like " I have no clue. " .


I remember being in tears getting ready to go out with him because I couldn't find anything to wear that would stand up to the women he was comparing me to. I remember how jealous it would make me feel because I knew I couldn't live up to his standard. And I remember him one time telling me after a particularly bad episode that he really felt horrible about seeing me there, sitting on the floor and crying, and not being able to help me. Do you think that changed his plans that night? Nope. He still left me, crying on the floor, to go out with his friends. Sometimes things work. Sometimes they don't. But at least you have a chance to see yourself as something different than the ideal you've allowed yourself to be painted as. There is a beautiful, shining, and confident woman in there waiting to come out to play again. You've just got to give her a chance

Aww thank you so much for sharing that and the last part. That must have been so so difficult to go through. I totally know how you feel except its just different spectrums of he wanted you to dress to sexually and I had to dress to modestly. Gosh I cant believe he left you crying on the floor like that. <3 I definitely cried many times in front of him. He always said how horrible it is to see me cry and its the worst thing that he could ever feel or see but did that stop him from pushing the subject or having it be an issue later on? No. In order for him to be 100% happy with me I would have to wear what he found appropriate. I know I can figure it out and find myself. It just will take a little bit of time. Right now though, I don't care what anyones opinion is about how I dress. o.O Even if I look like a complete idiot I just want to dress however makes me happy on that day and moment or however I'm feeling. Eventually I know I will find whats fits me most and im going to wear it with the most absolute confidence and pride in myself.

What I'm trying to say is don't kid yourself. He meant it. He just didn't like how it made him look like a complete and utter jerk in the process.

too true! Deep down I know and feel that same way. What is said in moments of anger had an underlying message and truth. Thats why no matter what he would say after that to make up for it, my heart just couldn't accept it. I saw the look in his eyes and it was a mirror from his heart and what he truly felt. Thats when the wall over my heart went straight up and a part of me knew it wouldn't work ever unless by some miracle, life changes him and who he is. I can't sit around waiting for a miracle or asking him to change. I wanted to fight the wall and bring it down because I love him and part of me tried but thigns kept getting worse, the wall kept building higher and trust in us and in him was gone. He would get really mad and confused and not understanding why the trust was gone or why there was a wall but I guess you never will understand it unless youve been in shoes like yours or mine. I was and still am feeling guilty and sad about giving up on us. I feel like a bad person and that I dont have the right to find someone else ever until he at least does and is happy... and now I have some trust issues to work through when it comes to guys.

I thought he cared about me. I still think he did, but he wasn't good for me and that was the point I had to realize and accept would never change.

this makes me cry because its true. I know he really does care about me deep down and loves me... but to realize and ACCEPT that he isnt good for me and even that IMMM not good for him? Its tears my heart up. I dont want to think of anyone else being better for him, fitting him and vice versa. It makes me want to run back and say that nothing matters and ill fit him no matter what... thats just not realistic though. Either him or I have to actually change in our hearts on our own in order for that to happen. Forcing yourself to be someone else never works. :'(

A year ago I had quit eating, I failed and entire semester's worth of classes because I just quit doing the work. My job, I was physically there, but I was so mentally screwed up that I could have taken the time off from work and gotten the same amount of work done. I did nothing. My interactions with my friends was distracted at best. I remember the first time I heard something a friend of mine had said and I laughed. Like a real laugh. It felt weirdly normal. I was amazed that I could use an emotion that wasn't contrived.

Wow! :'( :') <3 <3 Thats so me or was me the last few months. I miss him so much but despite that? The stress is GONE!!!! Im breahting again. Im eating again. Im not throwing up or crying at work and having people worried about me. There isnt a burden on my shoulder do to the constant battle and fighting to figure it out or be someone else.Depsite being sad, Im walking around with peace in my heart and it feels so good. I notice the little things now like birds and flowers whereas before I wouldnt have noticed a million dollars sitting on my desk in front of me. ( okay maybe I would have but you get my point) I have people now coming up to me and saying that I look good, more alive, more talkative and happy. That feels good hearing that given the fact that I feel like Ive gone through hell the last few months and have looked like Ive gone through hell. .

Trying to explain what I did to cope or heal is hard. It was a lot of things, but most importantly for me, it was being an active participant in my life again. Finding out who I am and accepting the things that I find. The good and the bad. Challenging the life I've led up to this point and changing the things I didn't like. This goes back to being an active participant in your life.

Yeah! Im really trying that! I now am hanging out with friends and looking to start applying to college, saving up for a motorcycle, being active and choosing things that I want to do and that benefit me and make me happy... that move me somewhere in life. Im learning a lot about myself and who I do and do not want to be.... Stop making me cry with your words! haha <3 They jsut are beautiful and you understand me like no one else really has in this entire situation. People can sympathize or get mad but to have the same heart and understanding. Its special. Thank you so much!

This is a hard request, but try and find things to do that interest you. This is a big one that pulled me out. What led me to find my SO and one of my best friends, was my interest in some topics that led me to online groups where I was able to interact with people with whom I already had something in common. It gave me perspectives on life that I'd never considered before and they're the ones that really pushed me to get my ex's stuff moved out of my apartment finally.

There is a powerhouse inside you ready to come out. You are questioning something right now, the way you feel, the way you're being treated, and you realize that you don't like it. You can change this. This is all in your power to change.Big hugs, honey. You've got this under control. It might not seem like it right now, but I can see your tides changing

Thank you! Thank you! and thank you! :'D :'D :'D Gosh! haha I cant stop crying. You are 100% right. I'm trying all of those things and its helping. Ive been hitting up the gym really hard one because I love it but one thing I keep telling people when they ask what my goal is, I say " I just want to be strong and push myself further than I could have imagined for myself.". Reading what you said about being strong made me realize what I was really saying to people without realizing the depth and true meaning behind it" I want to be strong not just physically but inside. To challenge and push myself to a point where no one else can again. I am strong and I can only get stronger. :'D I feel like the tides are changing a little bit. Sometimes I still feel stuck in my rutt with no direction and I get scared and sad again but Im trying to push through like you said. Thank you so much for being such a great example and inspiration to me. Thank you for taking the time to write to me and help me. You are one hell of a woman! <3

[merlinkitty]

Thank you! Thank you! and thank you! :'D :'D :'D Gosh! haha I cant stop crying. You are 100% right. I'm trying all of those things and its helping. Ive been hitting up the gym really hard one because I love it but one thing I keep telling people when they ask what my goal is, I say " I just want to be strong and push myself further than I could have imagined for myself.". Reading what you said about being strong made me realize what I was really saying to people without realizing the depth and true meaning behind it" I want to be strong not just physically but inside. To challenge and push myself to a point where no one else can again. I am strong and I can only get stronger. :'D I feel like the tides are changing a little bit. Sometimes I still feel stuck in my rutt with no direction and I get scared and sad again but Im trying to push through like you said. Thank you so much for being such a great example and inspiration to me. Thank you for taking the time to write to me and help me. You are one hell of a woman! <3

I was leaky reading yours too honey bunny I'm so proud of you for getting yourself up and dusted off keep dusting yourself It was a dirty, rough ride you went through but you're coming out the back end of it now and you've got no where to go but up There are going to be tough days. I still get them myself, but don't let them consume you When you get them, just remember you had a little bump, but you've gotta pick up and keep going

I still struggle honestly with some of the stuff you mention. That I feel like a horrible person for "giving up" on someone who was supposed to be my best friend. I still feel like I don't deserve the right to find someone good to be in my life, but that's just my nasty, internal monologue and I just have to realize she's full of crap. That voice and me, we have a long history lol Instead, I try to find things in my life that counter those thoughts. You're doing so many good things with your life I've said it a few times, but it bears saying again. I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself This is exactly how you grow out of this situation. As crap as my situation was, I wouldn't change it for the world because I'm proud of who I'm becoming. You'll start to see that as you distance yourself from it, how much you've learned about who you are, and you'll appreciate the fact that you already are one hell of a woman too much <3

[whatruckus]

First of all, don't fall into his trap. He is an a-hole. I agree with merlinkitty. He sounds like my ex too. He hated when I went out with my friends and used to tell me that I looked fat or pregnant in certain shirts. And, that I looked like a "mom" in one of my favorite jackets. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my guy friends, but it was totally okay for him to hang out with girls.

He will never change. Ever.

Cut off contact completely.