I donīt know what to do :(

[jana89]

So what happened just few moments ago totally unexpectedly is that I got ultimatum from my SO, which is tearing me apart now. Few days ago I told him I would like to join a course to get some extra experience in teaching English, I explained it is for ONE MONTH and that it would help me to get a good job when I move to Denmark after. It is very prestigious course that can be joined on only 6 places in the whole world and I have an amazing chance to get into it. And now he told me that if I do it, he is gonna break up with me, because he canīt wait any more. I canīt believe he is able to do this after three years. We planned future together and now he wants to throw it away because of ONE MONTH. He means everything to me and the idea of losing him is killing me, but I donīt know if I should really let go this amazing opportunity. Any advice more than welcomed.

[BlueCat]

Wow, that's harsh. I think since it only just happened, give both him and you a day to process and sort things through in your head, longer if needed (depending on when the deadline is for this english course). I personally think he's being unreasonable, not being able to wait a single month longer. Take the time to explain to him in a logical, non emotional or offensive way why this could help, how it will help, and how it's only such a short amount of time in comparison to everything you've currently been through.

I'm guessing that your previous plan was that you were going to be moving there very soon? And this course pushes that date back a month?

Ultimatums are difficult and unfair, I'm hoping you guys can work this out that you get to do the course but you stay together.

[emsimes]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Jana
I don't think your SO is being fair, IMO. This is a great opportunity for you! It seems ridiculous to throw away a 3 year relationship because of one extra month apart. Is there any way he is just overreacting in the moment? Perhaps he will come to his senses and realize this isn't so bad after all?
If he doesn't understand, perhaps explain to him that this would be a great chance for the both of you to have a better life together in Denmark!
I'm wishing you all the best. I really hope he comes to his senses

[Ahava]

?????
Is he serious?

The others have given good advice so I will just be sending a your way.
Take care!

[jana89]

Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. I am in such a bad place right now, it is almost unbelieavable that one conversation can have such an impact. I tried to explain everything, how it would help me to get a good job in DK and that it can only be once in life experience, but he said no. I told him, donīt throw away three years and many more years in future, he said that it is my fault. I told him: "You had all the time you needed to get education you wanted, give me the same chance, please." He just doesnīt listen any more. Just to make it clear, I was supposed to move there at the end of September, after I graduate, and now it would be more like beggining of December.

[Hollandia]

Isn't that 2 months?

I think that he needs to take a breather and look at the bigger picture. He is going to break up with you because he cannot wait a few more months to see you. So, instead he would rather never see you again? This is manipulation. I am sorry, but I think he needs to understand that that is NOT the way to start a life together. You should never tell someone you will break up if they don't give you your way. Never. If it this hard on him, that is understandable. Distance sucks, but all he can do is tell you how much it hurts him and hope you reconsider. What happens if you give in and move there and he does this again over what place to move into, or who to invite to the wedding, or how many kids to have? Do you want to live like that? YOU are the one moving to him, does he take that into consideration?

I have been married a few times, and I can say from my experience you never use the threat of ending it unless you are willing to really walk, and if you do there is something far more wrong than waiting another 2 months. Words like those can kill relationships. Can't he just settle for a visit while you are in this class? What would he do if something occurred on his end to have to postpone the move? Couples should work through these things together not tell one, if you don't do this my way, we are through. That is a HUGE red flag. I hope he calms down and realizes that as unpleasant as the extension will be, it will be worth it and it was wrong for him to threaten a break over trying to get you not to do it. If you do skip the class and move as planned, how well do you think that will go? When things get harder for work because of this, will you not resent him? Will it not cause fights?

I would take the class, tell him you love him and hope he changes his mind since you are doing this for betterment of both of your futures, but you cannot have him hanging a break up over your head to stop you from doing so and if you will be happy to move over as soon as this class is done. This being said, if another class after this, or something else, pops up and you postpone it again, then you are making a choice that might very well end it. Promise him this is the absolute only time you will postpone the move and when you move in December the two of you should be much happier. Good things come to those who wait.

[dglynn77]

My first thought was that maybe he thinks you are looking for reasons to not close the distance, as in maybe you are getting cold feet and that scared him. Responding with an ultimatum wasn't a good idea on his part, but maybe after time to think he will realize that. *hugs* and I hope you two can work this out.

[merlinkitty]

This is manipulation. I am sorry, but I think he needs to understand that that is NOT the way to start a life together. You should never tell someone you will break up if they don't give you your way. Never.

This is a good opportunity for you and, ultimately, the both of you. This offends me on so many levels I don't know where to begin. Everyone has given some good advice already. I especially agree with BlueCat:

Take the time to explain to him in a logical, non emotional or offensive way why this could help, how it will help, and how it's only such a short amount of time in comparison to everything you've currently been through.

I'm just hoping you can get him to a reasonable place at all with this with his unreasonable reaction. Take care, sweetheart.

[TwoThree]

Ultimatums are a bad thing. Not understanding the need for a good education to get a good life is a bad thing, too. Not being able to wait one month after waiting for three years is just incomprehensible to me. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I would be crushed to, but really? Is this how you want your relationship to be? Whatever happened to understanding and compromise? I would understand that coming from a teenage, but your SO is a mature man.

Maybe he reacted harshly on the spot, so give him a couple of days to cool down (I wouldn't go begging him if I were you. You did nothing wrong) and then have a serious discussion about the future and this kind of behaviour.

[Mims27]

My first thought was that maybe he thinks you are looking for reasons to not close the distance, as in maybe you are getting cold feet and that scared him.

That's what my thought was too. As someone who is also waiting on her SO to move to her, I also have worried about that quite a few times. Like you, my SO has had opportunities to further her studies which has delayed our distance closing. More than once. I haven't threaten to break up but I did raise a fuss and got pretty scared. I would never stop her from doing it though. I'm not saying what he did is ok but maybe that's his reflex behaviour and he doesn't mean what he said? Eventhough its a bit drastic and not very supportive. Definetly talk to him more about it. I really hope he didn't mean it...

[talim]

I don't have much more to say, just this is very weird and unfair reaction from him. I hope he will calm down soon and accept your point of view. Good luck! And don't hesitate to PM me if you will want to talk

[CanadianGirl]

Urgh I'd be at a complete loss if my SO just flipped a switch on me like that, especially over something that would help both of you in the long run. It makes me think there's something else he's been worrying about and hasn't figured out how to express it. I'd just let him really think about what he said before trying to sort it out. Partially because he must be going through some things and partially because I'd be too angry and upset to deal with it.

When it comes down to it, there'd be a lot of resentment if you rushed to move together and it turns out that you could've really used an opportunity like this one. He's not thinking clearly, because there's no way he could want that. You do what's best for you .

[jana89]

First of all, thank you all, guys, for your kind words and all the support, this is really such a wonderfull place.

My first thought was that maybe he thinks you are looking for reasons to not close the distance, as in maybe you are getting cold feet and that scared him. Responding with an ultimatum wasn't a good idea on his part, but maybe after time to think he will realize that. *hugs* and I hope you two can work this out.

I would totally get this, but I have even suggested we can move my stuff there, so he knows I am coming. He is determined to get it his way though. He said, either I move there in September, as planned, or we are done. And also he refuses to talk to me, doesnt respond on my messages etc. I saw my future with him and now everyting I worked so hard for, is falling apart.

I have approximately month to apply for the course, so I can get both of us some time to think about it. I really hope he will reconsider it, but I am not gonna beg him.

[Dziubka]

I don't know if this makes any sense because it is a specuation and I don't know you or your SO
I apologise in advance if I'm being too blunt, but to me it seems like he might be scared/unsure of your closed-distance future together.
So he's causing this fight (because did he really expect you to just be like "Ok, fine, then I'll let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass!"?) in order to not have to break up or be the one to make a decision. This is basically his last chance to get out of this with relatively little damage (Let's face it: breaking up with someone who lives in the same city and who you might meet while getting milk or on a date is more complicated), so he's using that, because *he* is nervous about closing the distance.
That is not a normal or mature reaction.

I'm so sorry for you jana. Look after yourself. Someone who doesn't support you in your personal and profesional development is NOT someone you need in your life.

[GuineaPunk]

You have been more than reasonable from your position, and it sounds as though he is being simply childish in his. Not answering your messages or talking to you after an ultimatum like that, it is simply rude. What an awful shame and a low blow after nearly three years together

If I were you, I wouldn't wait the month applying for the course, particularly with only 6 places up for grabs I would imagine that the competition to get involved is tough. Certainly not something you want to miss out on because you left it to the last minute due to a domestic dispute. Worst comes to the worst, you can always pull out at a later date (although, I seriously hope you wouldn't need to!) What seems so daft, is that you are taking the course, to better your chances of employment in his country??!!

I'm glad that you are not going to beg him. Others have made the point perfectly before me, what if it doesn't stop at this, and this is what you could expect life to be like on a regular basis when you close the distance? I don't think any of us spend our days wishing to close the distance so we can land in the lap of a manipulative relationship.



Edit: I also speculated the point Dziubka has made, he might be getting cold feet. If that is the case, I think most people would come back once the fear has passed with their tail between their legs. I sincerely hope this isn't the case though