dealing with busy schedules and life stress early on?

[Iaria]

tldr - I now work 7 days a week, he's set him self up on a ridiculously strict study schedule. I'm depressed, he's stressed. We barely have time to speak. Everything in the relationship feels extremely forced at the moment. It's week 3/4


I'm worried that we may not be cut out for this... It's only been about 3/4 weeks but all of a sudden we've just hit this MASSIVE storm
I've been reading through a few threads but most of what I'm finding is long term LDRs and it always comes back to "you got this far..." and it's really hard to follow that advice when I should still be in the "honeymoon phase"

So generally our relationship has revolved mostly around our random messages to each-other throughout the day our intimate skype conversations at night, and that's just kinda become the schedule. But recently, and so quickly, we've both hit a brick wall.

My job that has required me to travel and live in a motel 4 days a week(working from home Friday) and is now saying that we're behind and are making us now work all SEVEN days on site as well as generally working till 7-8pm+ that means even giving up my saturday/sundays(yes, I had to work father's day ) and most of my evenings. I don't get paid for any of this overtime, so there's no "bright side" to any of this (so it's not smile to myself knowing I'm saving for plane tickets ) It's absolutely killing me as far as energy and anxiety, and has landed me in a pretty bad depression.

on the flip side we have my SO who's started cracking down on school work and has adopted a pretty strict schedule, and equally working around the clock. He also seems equally stressed and distracted.

When we finally do spend time together, I want to talk, he wants to be intimate. And it's hard to find ourselves in the quiet happiness we were before where we had a balance of conversation and intimacy. And Friday/Saturday nights were also just our nights, that's the time we spent together... and now the time is stolen by work

Even just our little small things aren't happening anymore. the good morning/good night messages are forgotten, our conversations just generally end abruptly with a "g2g cya" and it's just like...ok.. bye...

This is both of our first LDR, and it's so early on to have this massive of a routine crusher that I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me.
Everything feels so insanely forced right now... I didn't know falling this fast was possible...

the storm should pass, right?
any tips for coping through it when we're so early in the relationship? We don't have much to fall back on with such a short history.

[BlueCat]

This is a tough one, because the way I see it, there isn't a problem with your relationship, the problem is in the lifestyle. Which I know is hard to change if you need to work/study that much to get where you need to be.

My only suggestion is to try to set yourselves up in a routine of e-mailing. So that whenever one of you gets more than 10 minutes to just sit down and the other isn't around, just write something up about your day, or about anything really. That way, you can still have conversations and feel a part of each other's lives, and hopefully when you get to talk and he just wants to be intimate, maybe it won't feel quite so abrupt to you. My fiance and I went through a phase like that, where every time we talked he just wanted to be intimate and I just got to feeling like it was the only reason he wanted to talk. It wasn't, he just deals with the distance better that way. Whereas I have to feel good in the coping with distance aspect before I want to be intimate.

[Iaria]

glad to know that my instinct was right when I felt that it was just life and not really the relationship.

I might see if I can introduce him to the idea of just kind of journalling style emails. I'll even attach pictures :P

My fiance and I went through a phase like that, where every time we talked he just wanted to be intimate and I just got to feeling like it was the only reason he wanted to talk. It wasn't, he just deals with the distance better that way. Whereas I have to feel good in the coping with distance aspect before I want to be intimate.

this is EXACTLY what I was dealing with this weekend.

I wanted to sit around and talk about what's been going on, talk about silly "what ifs" (I'm a habitual daydreamer), even just having him screen share while he works on things I enjoy. Just to sorta "be there?"
But we found free time this weekend and after about 10 minutes of trying to play a new MMO together and failing miserably, he just like instantly switched to mega intimate mode and I just was not in hte mood at all because of my depression :/ we were on cam and he telling me I looked sad I felt like crap that I couldn't just like... fake happy? I explained the work thing and he was thankful for the effort, but (as expected) at a bit lost as he couldn't find a way to cheer me up. (but at that point I'd dug myself in such a deep whole laying there thinking about how ridiculous it was that I had to fake happiness and that I should just be happy and was beyond frustrated that I wasn't)

I'm going to try and sort some stress relief exercises or practices in my schedule, hopefully that will help.

[Zapookie]

Gosh I feel like I could have written this.

Have you had a chance to sit down with your SO and talk about your feelings on whats happening in your relationship?

My SO and I hit hard times a couple months ago. We have opposing schedules, so when it's 5pm and I'm just getting off work, its 12am for him and he's going to sleep. We barely had time to talk at all, and when we both had our mutual day off, he just wanted to fool around. He would say that being intimate is his way of feeling close to me, but it made me feel like I was also being used and it was a huge turn off. I just wanted to talk so I could feel closer to him. And then we'd fight, neither of us getting what we wanted, ending up feeling even further away from each other.

This caused a lot of tension and arguments. Almost every single time we spoke, or I wanted to talk about our issues, we had some kind of disagreement and it was getting to the point where I began to feel depressed and exhausted from it. I laid out all my feelings and told him I needed a break from everything. He wasn't happy about it but neither of us were at that point.

We didn't speak for about a week. I only sent him brief messages telling him I missed him and still loved him but that was it. After a week we talked over everything and managed to move forward.

I'm not saying a break is what you need. It was an absolute last resort as I was extremely close to calling it quits, because I couldn't handle the arguing any longer. But you do need to talk about it. If talking simply isn't working then maybe taking time out for yourself might be helpful.

[merlinkitty]

I agree with what everyone has already said. The only thing I could add would be to try and evolve with the changes in your schedule/relationship. We've had times where he was working 70 hours a week. Add to that an 8 hour time difference and the communication felt like it totally dropped off the radar.

First off, I would tell him the stuff you've told us if you haven't already. He has a right to know that you're struggling with your work schedule, depression issues (I'm not sure what his experience with those might be, but he should also know it's a chemical thing sometimes set off by stress and not necessarily because of anything he did), and that you're trying to get back in your happy place, it's just a struggle right now and you need his support. Maybe with his awareness of the situation you won't feel the need to fake happy. I find that to be even more exhausting when my dark cloud decides to take up residence.

Another thing I would do is just change tactics with communication. Right now you just don't have the same amount of time that you did before, you're tired and your mental/emotional states aren't matching up at the same time. Like your idea of the journalling emails. Change things up a bit. With the slower response time, both of you might have a chance to send each other something at the time that is right for you.

I'm kind of tired myself right now and I don't feel like I'm saying what I mean to lol but I hope I'm making sense. Basically, the thing I think is most important is communication. Letting him know you're not quite yourself right now and you just need him to be there for you. You don't need him to cheer you up necessarily, but you would like for him to hang with you while you pull yourself out of this funk you're in

We all have rough patches in our relationships. The thing I've found most effective is just by being there for each other. It's really frustrating because you're not there to help this person physically with anything, so you try and provide the support that you are best able to

[differentcountries]

My SO works seven days a week as well. Mandays he even works 2 shifts and it is impossable to be in contact that day. I work plus I have to manage studies and money and take care of my husband. We know this. There is fewer good morning messages, usually none in the evening any more. Even when I visit him, he works at least 10 hours a day. How we miss the times when he was not working! We skyped for hours, and when I visited we could do whatever we wanted. But we know it is just life. I am very lucky to see him this much at all, and to Skype for half an hour every other day or so. I think it is about trust. I trust that he thinks of me even if our time together is limited. When things are a bit off, I go for very simple messages, and kindness. And planning visits, visits are our life blood.

[Iaria]

He has been aware of the stress and everything I'm under, but we haven't really sat around and really discussed it?
It's just been the "this is my work schedule, this is why I'm in a bad mood, please bear with me" kind of statements, I guess? and He's equally said the same "this is my schedule, I'm sorry it has to be like this, but school first" (and the school/work first is something we agreed on)

I guess I hesitated bringing it up as a deep conversation because is so early on I don't want to continue to badger him with IM DEPRESSED especially when he has his own things he needs to worry about >.< - school first.

I guess we'll just have to schedule "us" around our schedules for school/work, till things settle.

[kittyo9]

Awww Hopefully you will be "caught up" soon so you can have at least one day away from work. I don't think they can keep you working like that forever without worrying about you quitting.

It was really tough when my SO started working full-time while I was only working part-time and we'd both just finished college-- all the "free time" we had spent together seemed to evaporate. It was even worse when he and I both started working full-time plus more. It put a lot of stress on our relationship and we argued about it quite a few times and had some resulting issues.

What we've kind of settled into doing now is sending e-mails to each other throughout the day. We try to share as many thoughts or feelings as we can in the emails, talk about our families and friends, things that are happening, etc. It makes us feel like we're not missing out on each other's lives. Lately, he's been trying to get to work a few minutes early every day so that he can earn a small bonus, so I email him every morning to check in and see if he made it. Then, in the evenings, we chat a bit about our days and show each other things online and maybe play a game together (most often League of Legends), then I go to bed and he finishes his online classes or plays more League. That would be good time for you two to split between intimacy and talking about your days.

It's not a fun situation to be in and I totally get how frustrating it is. I hope the two of you can talk about it and come to an agreeable arrangement.

[silvermoonfairy3]

To go a different route, do you *have* to work 7 days a week, like to support yourself or something?
Is work "making" you? There are labor laws in place to prevent such things, unless it's voluntary, etc.

Just curious.

[kittyo9]

To go a different route, do you *have* to work 7 days a week, like to support yourself or something?
Is work "making" you? There are labor laws in place to prevent such things, unless it's voluntary, etc.

Just curious.

I think you missed this part:

My job that has required me to travel and live in a motel 4 days a week(working from home Friday) and is now saying that we're behind and are making us now work all SEVEN days on site as well as generally working till 7-8pm+ that means even giving up my saturday/sundays(yes, I had to work father's day ) and most of my evenings. I don't get paid for any of this overtime, so there's no "bright side" to any of this (so it's not smile to myself knowing I'm saving for plane tickets ) It's absolutely killing me as far as energy and anxiety, and has landed me in a pretty bad depression.

I'm assuming it's part of a salaried contract, meaning they can ask you to work extra hours if the work needs to get done.

[Iaria]

To go a different route, do you *have* to work 7 days a week, like to support yourself or something?
Is work "making" you? There are labor laws in place to prevent such things, unless it's voluntary, etc.

Just curious.

I'm a salaried employee for a top fortune 500 company.
Basically my project got behind schedule and now they're having the developers (this my team) pack in the extra hours to catch up where other teams slacked off it's temporary, but it was just this very last minute "so because everyone else screwed up, you now get to work the weekend to make up for everyone elses' mistakes"
Team leads are saying that they're going to try cramming everything into the week so that we can avoid weekend work, but in that same breath they also asked up to book our motels through the weekend. I REALLY do not like this uncertainty

For the sake of staying on the good side of my managers and company, to me it's just best to keep my head down and deal with it. (yay corporate america)
Apply for other jobs when I have time ^^; which is what I have been doing.

Just an unwelcomed serious life style change. Had I had a little more notice, I probably wouldn't be so distraught. I'm a massive introvert and pretty much "survive" the week so I can hide by myself and recharge for the weekend, and now knowing that I will have to give up the next few weekend, it's sending me on this massive anxiety spiral. I'm just going to have to regroup and work out a new personal schedule to help me breathe better.


ASIDE FROM THAT.
sent my SO a detailed email about what's been going on in my head and such, and he wrote me back a response that made me feel worlds better, we'll be working on finding balance for eachother's needs in between our schedules. He was extremely understanding and wanting to work around everything. Love this man so much