Is it time to move on?

[Rover]

Hi, first post here, I hope it's in the right section etc.

So I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly four years. In which time we've had some good times and some bad.

I'm a 21 year old guy who met my girlfriend online.

When we first met she had this friend who was always controlling of her and very nasty to both of us. I recently found she is friends again with this person (lord knows why) and I fear she is telling her things about me and our relationship.

She always thinks I am interested in other girls, simply talking to one throws her into a tantrum. She cuts me no slack at all like as if she thinks I am 'interested' in them. I'm completely sick of it, thanks for trusting me...
I have never cheated on her and she has come closest to doing so after she admitted she kissed another guy. I was like 'it's okay' even though I was hurt. If it had been me there would have been a war.

The latest has come today and I just snapped. Someone (a girl) invited me to like page on facebook containing some photos of this girl and I did like the page not even viewing it, like not giving a care and she throws another tantrum on facebook inviting all her great mates to think I'm a bad person. I am a very private person who does not like personal stuff online and this deeply upsets me. I never complain when she talks to a guy, maybe because why should I? Nor do I post things about her on facebook. It's like I have to evaluate every single little thing I do to keep her happy but I can't live like that.

I'm the only one who has made the effort to visit her on the other side of the world, (and ended up in debt doing so) and she seems to get angry with me sometimes that I just can't go see her any time I want. I come from a working class background and have just finished university. A couple of times she was like 'oh I will come' and then comes back saying her dad wont let her, hardly surprising since it would be with his money.

I want this relationship to work and am prepared to wait until better financial security but I fear she will never grow up.

Maybe my fear is that I will never find someone else, I must confess, and it might sound strange but I've never really been interested in 'chatting up girls' but don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life. I also don't have any close friends and am not very close with my family. So if I say goodbye to her I'll essentially have no one.

Maybe I just needed to vent here. I'm really not sure how to feel.

[Hollandia]

I would have a hard time being treated like that. I think you should have a long hard talk with her about trust and love and what it means to both of you. If you love someone you have to be able to trust them, or it eventually won't work. Facebook is a dangerous thing to relationships sometimes. It leads to cyber stalking 101 very easily. Look at it like this, if you ride a train to work each day and make a small innocent flirtatious joke with the bus driver, is that cheating? No. Now, imagine that your SO had a camera on that bus and could see you doing it, do you think this would be an issue? I have heard some many people get in fights over FB because someone laughed, liked, winked or poked someone else, it is quite childish really. And you are right if this type of stuff sets her off, she needs to grow up or stay off your FB if she cannot handle seeing normal healthy social interaction of the platonic kind.

I guess one thing you should do is ask yourself this, can you see the two of you being married together and living happily ever after at some point? There will always be a pretty women that lives down the street, works at your job and your children's teacher....there just will be. Can she handle that without acting like a jealous schoolgirl? If you can't see yourself wanting to grow old together, then get out now. If you don't want to imagine life without her then stick it out and work it out. If she can't learn to trust you and start meeting you halfway soon, then ask yourself those questions again in a few weeks or months and see where your head still is. Her type of behavior can truly kill the love that someone has for their partner, this is something you could think about mentioning to her. Trust is tantamount in an LDR.

[Rover]

Thanks for the reply. It is much appreciated. I do need to talk to her about this. I have brought it up before when something similar happened but it was like as if my feelings didn't matter and she said 'if only I could trust you'. I have considered telling her we shouldn't be friends on social networking if she behaves like this, and just contact each other via IM, but I feel like we shouldn't have to be that way. I have deleted my facebook account before because of this, but why should I have to sacrifice contacting people I know to keep her happy? I'm not really a fan of the site but that's where people go these days.

I could used to see us living together and settling down but now I feel it would not be a commitment worth having. It would most likely be me having to move abroad, I liked Mexico but that does mean starting over essentially and starting a new life with her, but I don't want my life controlled by her.

[Unconditional]

This is ridiculous, personally I wouldn't put up with her throwing temper tantrums, if I was in your situation this relationship would've been over before I deleted my Facebook. She's just gonna have to deal and try to control her jealousy.

[Rover]

It is ridiculous, I do keep saying that to myself, because I totally don't expect my actions to have these repercussions and they shouldn't have. I know I'm being treated wrong here but it's hard to end the relationship, when we get on we get on really well, we talk nearly every night, do webcam sometimes, but this sort of thing has happened several times and I'm sick of it, I don't think things will ever change now.

I'm not a perfect person but I think I deserve to be treated better.

[Unconditional]

It is ridiculous, I do keep saying that to myself, because I totally don't expect my actions to have these repercussions and they shouldn't have. I know I'm being treated wrong here but it's hard to end the relationship, when we get on we get on really well, we talk nearly every night, do webcam sometimes, but this sort of thing has happened several times and I'm sick of it, I don't think things will ever change now.

I'm not a perfect person but I think I deserve to be treated better.

No one is perfect, my SO and I believe that whole heartedly. That being said, you deserve someone who treats you better, who trusts you, who makes you feel complete, someone who sees you as perfect for them. You deserve to be happy and not stressed over when the next tantrum week happen.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Jealousy isn't a good thing, and not trusting your partner isn't a good thing.. it seems hugely problematic to me that she says stuff like "if only she could trust you." Well.. either she does or she doesn't, and if she says she does, she can't be acting like this.

I would be a little more lenient if she was trying, but it doesn't seem like she is. It's one thing if it's a partner who.. I dunno, was cheated on previously, and is working through trusting relationships again at all, but recognizes that she's bringing the past in, and actively works to get past her old issues, and apologizes to you sincerely if she does step over a line or is unfair sometimes. It's another thing entirely if it's a partner who doesn't respect your feelings or your friendships and doesn't trust you to behave around other women, and generally makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

I think it might be time for a serious talk, explaining very clearly to her how close to a breaking point you are, and determining together if this is something that can be worked through, or if it's time to go your separate ways.

Good luck.