Is it time to move on?

[puppy.1]

Hello, this is my first post here... I hope its in the right place.

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost a year now... and it has only been getting harder. I have no idea what to do now. When it started, I was madly in love with my boyfriend, even I was the first one to come visit his country and meet his parents after 7 months of being apart. The trip was magical, but the thing with our relationship is that we both come from completely different countries. He is an indian living in Singapore and I am a mexican living in Germany - we have been trying to make the cultural differences work but it has been very hard, and I think it has been harder on me than it has been on him. When we started our long distance, we had agreed that he was going to come to the US to do his masters in January 2015, but a couple of months ago he canceled those plans, telling me that he thought it was better for his career to work in Singapore for a year maybe two before he moves to the US. We broke up because of this sudden change of plans, but after a month we decided to get back together because our love was stronger than the distance. However, lately, I've been having the hardest time adjusting to these new changes because we have no concrete plans or dates to move in with each other, and frankly, I'm not ready for a commitment as big as leaving everything behind and move in with him in Singapore. He has already bought his tickets to come see me in Mexico and meet my family this december, but everyday I am less and less convinced that there is a future for this relationship. I explicitly told him before I left his house in January that I had to see him in the summer, that one year without seeing each other was too much for me, but he completely dismissed me, making the decision to come to Mexico in december by himself, arguing that it was the best choice, even though I told him I would have rather have him come see me in June. Needless to say, having conservative Indian parents, they didn't make this "buying his ticket" a pleasant ride for me, they would insist that seeing each other was a "luxury" and not really necessary to nurture our relationship. He was not able to tell me if he was actually going to be able to come see me at all for 5 months after the last time we saw each other, and every conversation we had on facetime after that just ended in conflict.

I don't know if my sudden "cold feet" in this relationship is a consequence of all of the sudden changes and problems we've had regarding the changes of plans and his parents, or because I've simply just fallen out of love with him? I miss being kissed and held, and I feel that whatever decisions he made, he wasn't taking me into consideration. Although he was determined enough to get a bunch of part time jobs to finance his trip to meet my family this december, I still feel that there was something that was broken inside of me somewhere along the way... Or am I just insecure of the commitment that I am required to give this relationship?

Please... I am desperate, and of course, my parents are not approving of this inter-racial long distance, so I can't turn to my mother for advise... If anyone out there has a word of advise for me, I would very much appreciate it.

[Moon]

OK, I'm going under the assumption that you're both still pretty young, I'm sorry if I'm incorrect.

The kind of distance you're talking about is hard, really hard, especially if you don't have the funds for visits. You CAN do it, we have members here who have, and finally closed the distance after years and years of waiting (I'm lookin' at you Zephii!), but the question is, SHOULD you? Only you can really answer that, but I think you're right in needing frequent enough visits for the relationship to be worth it. For me, I wouldn't be able to do years between visits, visits are very important, imo. You have to ask yourself if he is worth waiting for, you won't be young forever, and these years fly by. If he is worth waiting and waiting for, then you need a lot strength and even more patience. It's definitely do-able though, if that's what you want.

Cultural differences are also difficult sometimes, especially when the differences are vast. They're even harder when you're younger, and not as experienced with life yet (Yeah, yeah, people, age doesn't matter, it's just a number, blah, blah, blah), dealing with those differences are much harder in, say, your early 20's, as opposed to your mid-30's. I don't think you're insecure, I think you're asking the questions you should be asking, even if it feels uncomfortable to think about. What you might do is a huge undertaking, and you should be seriously questioning it, you need to make sure it's the right decision.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that love on it's own isn't enough to sustain a relationship, regardless of what you may have heard. Love only gets you so far, it doesn't solve problems, or supply answers, and it doesn't buy plane tickets, or grant vacation time. There has to be more...a lot more. Good luck.

[puppy.1]

Thank you moon

Thank you Moon. Yeah I forgot to say I'm 21 and he's 23... So making tough decisions about our life right now based on each other is extremely risky. It makes me uncomfortable to be talking about moving to a different country for the other or even getting married. I need time to think, like you said, if I should do this or not. I really appreciate your advice.

[BlueCat]

The thing I've found with a LDR, is that it tends to become very serious, very quickly. As in, you generally need to be able to see yourself having a future with the person (however many years down the track it may be) to make the rest of it worthwhile. If that makes sense. A first visit and subsequent separation will very rudely throw you into the full force of the relationship and what it means to be in a long-distance one. It's quite different to close distance where you can date someone, but you can still be unsure and it doesn't have to be serious because no one is giving up anything (in terms of money for visits, and potentially moving away from their home etc). In a LDR however, you need to think ahead a lot more and really have to be in it for the long haul, because hey, 9 years on and I'm still long distance with my fiance. In my case, I realised I was in way too deep (emotionally) before I realised all the implications of an international LDR, and by then it was too late for me :P

I'm not trying to scare you out of your relationship, I'm just saying that firstly; things don't have to move so quick. Yes separations are hard, but take your time to get to know each other more, and have many more visits before you start planning who is going to move where for who and when. It's good to be aware of the possibilities for those things, but I personally feel that a year in is too early to tell who will end up where. Secondly; is it what you want? Yes it's about the person you love, but you also have to want to be committed to the LDR, as Moon said, love alone doesn't conquer those problems.

From that, I suppose my suggestion is one of two options. You either decide that you're not in this, and end it now (preferably after some discussion with your SO), well before his scheduled visit. Or, you wait until December (I know it feels like forever away, it's probably when I get to see my SO too) and see how things go on his visit to you and proceed from there.

I don't know if any of that is helpful or not, but I hope so

[puppy.1]

Hey Bluecat! Thank you for your answer. I completely understand what you mean by being very serious very quickly, I mean we are talking about getting married in two years!! I think what happened to you is what is happening to me as well because I have become too emotionally invested in this relationship, and it is until now (a year later) that I am realizing that... it's not going to be easy AT ALL. Especially when it comes to the indian culture, there are incredibly high expectations for girlfriends/wives! I mean, interracial relationships are hard as they are, the long distance just makes it worse. But I am too in love to just give all away, plus he has already bought his ticket for december, so option 1 is out of the table. I think this crisis is just a consequence of my adjusting to all of these new circumstances. I have been mentalizing myself for all of the implications that this relationship actually has for me, for him and for both of us, and I think that with time (and I have plenty of that), I will be able to see things more clearly and make a conscious decision in all my senses.

Thank you very much for the advice!