Dealing with a boyfriend who's going through a tough time.

[velkoria]

Hi! It's me again =3

I come here today because my boyfriend has been going through a very troubled emotional time and I don't know how to help. Father's day is a day that is very hard for him. He had a very abusive father and eperienced both sexual and physical abuse. He's never fully dealt with this and Father's Day was a very tough day for him and well he hasn't been coping well at all. He's been distant and I asked him about it and he assured me our relationship was not something I needed to be insecure about at all. I try to not take the lack of communication personally but I must admit it's a bit hard sometimes. He went from being crazy in love, loving, caring to being distant and not necessarily cold but just... missing? He makes some effort to speak to me but I can tell he's just not the same. The thing is he won't talk about it with me. He says he doesn't even know how to feel about it all. I almost want to shake him and tell him to talk to me because I love him and I want to 'fix it' (which I know I can't but you know the feeling... wanting to fi whatever is bothering someone you love so deeply). I just wish I could kiss his pain away, you know? But I can't and while I TRY my hardest not to let it get to me, not to let this distancing be something I take personally it's hard not to. Sometimes I think 'maybe it IS me' and 'maybe he's just using the dad thing as a crutch to not speak to you' or even worse 'you're asking too much, leave him alone or he WILL break up with you'. Of course I am also going through some things myself that has made my aniety go out of whack. I was recently taken off aniety meds by my doctor as she believes therapy will help more than the pills.

What should I do guys? Let him ride this out alone and wait for him to come to me or do what I've been doing which is tet him/skype him and ask how he's feeling about it once every once in a while (I've asked about it 3 times now, once on Father's Day (the 15th) and then on Tuesday the 17th as I wanted to know if he was being distant because of ME or something else and once tonight (the 19th) to see how he was holding up).

Oh one more thing. Today I sent him this message while we were talking 'I just miss my boyfriend. I am not saying this to make you feel guilty, though. I understand shit happens and you have a different way of dealing with things and that's alright' and now that I read it I think it could be taken wrong. I DO miss him, however but I do understand he's going through a horrible time and I don't want to pressure him into 'feeling better' (something I also wrote to him after he apologized to me -.- )

[whatruckus]

Being that my boyfriend and I went through that last year, I would say wait it out and let him come to you. You can still ask him every now and then how he's feeling. Last year, my boyfriend went through some sort of "funk" as we call it, and he was just depressed with his life and where it had taken him. It lasted for a couple months, and for a while I thought it was because of me and that he was going to break up with me. I let him do his thing, though I knew that he was completely different, and could tell that he was depressed. He acted differently towards me as well, less lovey dovey and affectionate. After a few months, he changed and seemed to be a lot happier and is the way that he is now.

With some guys, it's just better to let them ride it out because they don't like sharing their feelings that often and constantly telling him that you "miss" him (in that way) will annoy him and just make the situation worse. You've already made your point that you know something is wrong, just leave it at that. He knows that you know. I would also say, that when you do ask him how he's feeling, keep it to maybe once or twice a week, at the most. You don't want to pester him. At least, he acknowledges that he's being different around you. It's still pretty soon after Father's Day, so it might take him a few more days to even a month or two to get over it. That kind of abuse from someone he trusted and loved is really hard to get over, so I can imagine that Father's Day triggers those feelings.

[BlueCat]

I wouldn't push him on it, as I think it might only make him withdraw more into himself. Let him know you're there for him, but don't be pushy and in his face. You could just say "hey, just wondering how you're doing. Hope you're ok and just letting you know I'm here for you whenever you need me " It lets him know you're still on his side, but it essentially places the next move in his hands. If he wants to talk to you about it from there, he will bring it up.

So yeah, be supportive, but don't constantly remind him of the thing he's having trouble forgetting. Give him time and he'll probably sort through it in his head

[standingoutsidethefire]

I can relate to this right now. My SO is having some problems with trust issues and other insecurities and what whatnot. All I want to do is like you said, "fix him", but it doesn't do any good. I think giving him space and letting him ride it out is the best thing to do. I'm not saying to take a break from your relationship, ignore him or cut back on communication. If he's still making the effort to at least talk to, that's a good thing. Keep in touch, but I wouldn't press the subject unless he brings it up. He knows you care and that you want to help, and when he's ready for your help, he will come to you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Okay, so! This is all based on things that I've tried, but everyone's different and it may not work for your SO.
But.
One thing you could try is just pushing through trying to have 'normal' conversations. It feels a little weird to do, and if he wants to end the conversation, by all means let him.. but I do that with my SO sometimes. Maybe ask your SO flat out. "If you're dealing with something that you don't want to talk about right now, what's the best way for me to handle that to help you? Should I leave you alone and we'll catch up another time, or would you like me to change the topic and we can chat, just not about 'serious' things?" etc.

My SO has depression, and for the most part it's managed, but there are flare-ups. (Mostly when he's overworked and too stressed with a million things.) There are times when it seems like he's pulling away or he's distant, but usually it's just that he has to grade 100 essays in 8 days and is stressing, or he's letting his brain tell him he's never going to get a better job and is worthless, etc. But it always swings back around. Initially I thought it was me, and - just like you - my brain sometimes wants to say "yeah, he's super busy or tired from other stuff, but what if that's just his *excuse*" etc. So, I try to tell my brain to shut up, and take him at his word.

When there's something specific bothering him, I'd suggest asking, once, if he's okay and if there's anything he wants to talk about.. if he says yes, awesome, chat. (Like you, I want to be there, and make it better, etc.)
But if he says no, just say okay, and let him know you won't bring it up again, but if he does decide he wants to talk about it at some point, you're all ears. Then (the hard part) don't ask about it again. Let him process, or do whatever he needs to do, but don't keep asking if he wants to talk. If he wants to, he will.

And in the meantime, if he says no, he doesn't want to talk about it, but he is available to talk or whatever, move on to other topics, even if it seems a little forced at first. Send him links or articles if you normally do that, or tell him about your day, or talk about each others' plans for the weekend, or watch a movie together.. just try to keep it normal.

Like I said, it feels kinda weird at first, and the first few times I did that, I still pointed out to my SO that I didn't want to seem like I was "ignoring" his struggles or anything, but he didn't feel like I was doing that at all. He said it was nice to just have the time with me to distract him a bit, and to remove the stress and pressure of feeling like he needs to solve things, or have a plan to tell me how he's working through something even though he doesn't have a plan, etc.
So even though it felt a little bit to me like I was being uncaring somehow by moving on and trying to keep the conversation "light" when he was dealing with some bigger stuff, it actually was one of the best things I could do for him at that particular time.

Basically, I want to be as unstressful as possible when he's having a tough time, and he does that for me. What's unstressful varies, and that's why it's good to check in with each other on what is actually helpful and good at those times. I think a lot of times people who are the talk it out type feel like doing anything OTHER than talking it out isn't really "being there" for the person or you're not "doing enough" to be supportive, but doing what actually helps the other person, even if it's stepping back and giving them time, or just pushing through with a "normal" conversation is absolutely doing something and being there for them.

Hope this helps!

Edit to add: Also, I find that with my SO, it works a loooott better if we end up talking about his serious stuff more 'organically.' A lot of times if something is bothering him or has been for a bit, he probably won't talk about it much if I'm like "what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" etc.
But, if we're just talking, about our days, or about work or whatever else, he might throw out a sentence that's kind of a "clue." If I'm paying attention and see a "clue" sentence, usually something that has a touch of sadness or frustration, I'll ask more about it, and we might start getting to the issue a little bit more, because now we're just talking. We're not talking with me going "tell me about your problem?" and him feeling on the spot to discuss what's wrong.

[whatruckus]

Okay, so! This is all based on things that I've tried, but everyone's different and it may not work for your SO.
But.
One thing you could try is just pushing through trying to have 'normal' conversations. It feels a little weird to do, and if he wants to end the conversation, by all means let him.. but I do that with my SO sometimes. Maybe ask your SO flat out. "If you're dealing with something that you don't want to talk about right now, what's the best way for me to handle that to help you? Should I leave you alone and we'll catch up another time, or would you like me to change the topic and we can chat, just not about 'serious' things?" etc.

I did this too, and I agree with everything Silvermoon said.

[velkoria]

Okay, so! This is all based on things that I've tried, but everyone's different and it may not work for your SO.
But.
One thing you could try is just pushing through trying to have 'normal' conversations. It feels a little weird to do, and if he wants to end the conversation, by all means let him.. but I do that with my SO sometimes. Maybe ask your SO flat out. "If you're dealing with something that you don't want to talk about right now, what's the best way for me to handle that to help you? Should I leave you alone and we'll catch up another time, or would you like me to change the topic and we can chat, just not about 'serious' things?" etc.

My SO has depression, and for the most part it's managed, but there are flare-ups. (Mostly when he's overworked and too stressed with a million things.) There are times when it seems like he's pulling away or he's distant, but usually it's just that he has to grade 100 essays in 8 days and is stressing, or he's letting his brain tell him he's never going to get a better job and is worthless, etc. But it always swings back around. Initially I thought it was me, and - just like you - my brain sometimes wants to say "yeah, he's super busy or tired from other stuff, but what if that's just his *excuse*" etc. So, I try to tell my brain to shut up, and take him at his word.

When there's something specific bothering him, I'd suggest asking, once, if he's okay and if there's anything he wants to talk about.. if he says yes, awesome, chat. (Like you, I want to be there, and make it better, etc.)
But if he says no, just say okay, and let him know you won't bring it up again, but if he does decide he wants to talk about it at some point, you're all ears. Then (the hard part) don't ask about it again. Let him process, or do whatever he needs to do, but don't keep asking if he wants to talk. If he wants to, he will.

And in the meantime, if he says no, he doesn't want to talk about it, but he is available to talk or whatever, move on to other topics, even if it seems a little forced at first. Send him links or articles if you normally do that, or tell him about your day, or talk about each others' plans for the weekend, or watch a movie together.. just try to keep it normal.

Like I said, it feels kinda weird at first, and the first few times I did that, I still pointed out to my SO that I didn't want to seem like I was "ignoring" his struggles or anything, but he didn't feel like I was doing that at all. He said it was nice to just have the time with me to distract him a bit, and to remove the stress and pressure of feeling like he needs to solve things, or have a plan to tell me how he's working through something even though he doesn't have a plan, etc.
So even though it felt a little bit to me like I was being uncaring somehow by moving on and trying to keep the conversation "light" when he was dealing with some bigger stuff, it actually was one of the best things I could do for him at that particular time.

Basically, I want to be as unstressful as possible when he's having a tough time, and he does that for me. What's unstressful varies, and that's why it's good to check in with each other on what is actually helpful and good at those times. I think a lot of times people who are the talk it out type feel like doing anything OTHER than talking it out isn't really "being there" for the person or you're not "doing enough" to be supportive, but doing what actually helps the other person, even if it's stepping back and giving them time, or just pushing through with a "normal" conversation is absolutely doing something and being there for them.

Hope this helps!

Edit to add: Also, I find that with my SO, it works a loooott better if we end up talking about his serious stuff more 'organically.' A lot of times if something is bothering him or has been for a bit, he probably won't talk about it much if I'm like "what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" etc.
But, if we're just talking, about our days, or about work or whatever else, he might throw out a sentence that's kind of a "clue." If I'm paying attention and see a "clue" sentence, usually something that has a touch of sadness or frustration, I'll ask more about it, and we might start getting to the issue a little bit more, because now we're just talking. We're not talking with me going "tell me about your problem?" and him feeling on the spot to discuss what's wrong.

I followed your advice to a T and he started coming around. He is still not himself but I see bits coming back. We're doing a lot better thanks to this. Yesterday was the first time in ages I felt like I was speaking to my boyfriend and it felt nice. He even opened up a little. I'll keep this up and hopefully I'll have him back.

Thank you all sooo much.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I followed your advice to a T and he started coming around. He is still not himself but I see bits coming back. We're doing a lot better thanks to this. Yesterday was the first time in ages I felt like I was speaking to my boyfriend and it felt nice. He even opened up a little. I'll keep this up and hopefully I'll have him back.

Thank you all sooo much.

Yay! Hope it keeps working for you.

[whatruckus]

I followed your advice to a T and he started coming around. He is still not himself but I see bits coming back. We're doing a lot better thanks to this. Yesterday was the first time in ages I felt like I was speaking to my boyfriend and it felt nice. He even opened up a little. I'll keep this up and hopefully I'll have him back.

Thank you all sooo much.

Yea, it's a little awkward at first, I felt weird doing it when mine was going through stuff. Almost like we were having sort-of-forced conversations, but it does help. He knows you're there for him and you're keeping the stress off him. He'll come around, and eventually he'll probably tell you what was really going on in his head when the time is right. Mine did. Lol. Hang in there!