Oh Grandma...

[Iaria]

(grandmas email to my mom, 5 minutes after she sent an email to me)
"Her facebook says in a relationship ???
Is this a new cat, new job or a boyfriend?
Wow, she will get lots of response to her in a relationship comment."


Yes grandma. My new cat, Seņor Gato - SIGH.


In other words - how to explain LDRs to your grandparents or people who are old fashion/traditional?

My mother told me to just lie :/ to say it was a joke.

[JaneEmily]

I'd be honest with them. Tell them your circumstances and just be honest about how you feel about your SO. If they see how happy you are when speaking about your new love then they should be happy for you. I mean, my grandmother at first was quite sceptical in regards to us being LDR but almost 3yrs down the line, she's really supportive and can't even wait until me and my SO get married in a few years after we recently announced our engagement. I'm sure once they understand how happy you are, and how loving your new relationship is that they won't judge it.

And even if they do? It's not up to them. You don't need anyone's approval and nor should you feel ashamed about the circumstances of your relationship (I've been there in a past LDR where my ex was ashamed of telling people about me and I hated/resented him for it because I felt like I was a huge burden in his life just because others would have disapproved). Stick to what makes you happy even if others are negative about it. If they don't like it and aren't supportive of it, they know where the door is

[Moon]

I was at a family reunion a couple of years ago. My mom's aunts and cousins, all in their 70's and 80's were VERY curious about how an LDR with someone in Europe could possibly work, and asked me a lot of skeptical-ish questions. I tried explaining, but my mom ended up doing it better than me. She explained how some aspects of an LDR were better, like having to actually talk to your partner, because it's all you've got. You don't get distracted by TV, work, chores, kids, you just get some time to really communicate. She did a great job Maybe it would be easier for your mom, or another older person to explain for you, if they will. I think sometimes older people tend to listen better that way, at least in my experience.

[Unconditional]

Your grandma kind of reminds me of my own, I told her about my SO and she was perfectly okay with it. Though she doesn't know I'm speaking romantically with him, she just knows I'm speaking with him.
I was pretty much straightforward on all other aspects.

[CanadianGirl]

In my case, explaining it to my grandma would probably be more trouble than it's worth. While you don't need their approval, it's sort of nice to have them on the same page..or at least pretending to be. Maybe frame it in a way she could relate to? My grandma grew up with arranged marriages, and often brides or grooms are brought in from far away. Even now, parents set their kids up with a date with possible spouses all over the world and someone ends up moving. Visas, phone calls, Skype, the whole thing is basically an LDR. Depending on your background, maybe she can understand military relationships or trying to immigrate with family and going through a period of separation? If that doesn't work, I'd just let it go and avoid the topic to keep the peace.

[Iaria]

Sigh* well my mother just replied to the email and told my grandma she thinks its a joke between me and a friend :/ thanks mom. Glad you think my relationship is a joke and are completely ignorant of the fact that in the past weeks ive started eatting better, have been challenging my bestie (also in an ldr) to a weight loss challenge and have developed an exercise routine that works for me, not to mention have started outlining clear life and personal goals for the near and distant future.
rather than the fast food eatting anti social hermitting cow I had reduced myself to since graduating college.

[whatruckus]

My one grandma doesn't care (my mommy's side). All she cares about is if he makes me happy and treats me right.

My other grandma...............she's always skeptical of everything. She doesn't like people. Plus, it irks her that I'm not too into Asian guys. Plus, my ex was a douche. But, she seems to be okay with my SO after meeting him at my brother's wedding. She kept smiling and saying "good" (she can't really speak English) to me. But, I'm not sure what my dad has told her because I don't speak Chinese. :X

In all honesty, I don't really care if they like my SO or are on par with my relationship. It would be nice, yes, but for the most part, I only care about what my SO and I think of our relationship. Since, well, we're the ones in it.

Plus, given your situation, even though your mom said what she said, your relationship is still new and you have plenty of time to tell her the truth and come up with ways to explain it to her. I know it's not much help, but your mom probably felt it would be easier to lie to her than have to take the time out and explain to your grandma.

If you really want her to know, why don't you shoot her an email and tell her the truth? Explain to her that your mom didn't know what to say because she didn't think your grandma would understand. Explain to her that you are in an LDR, and while you know she may be skeptical, you are confident in this relationship. Tell her that even though he's far away, it's actually better for you guys to get to know each other on an emotional level and you'll be better able to identify whether or not he really is good for you. You won't have any distractions and it'll be like how it was in the "old days", where people actually, genuinely, worked at their relationships and took things slow (not dissing any other types of relationships, but you know what I mean when you see some people take their relationships for granted these days). You guys will make the effort to make your relationship work. You guys will have to talk out any issues that might come up because you'll have no other way.

[merlinkitty]

...like having to actually talk to your partner, because it's all you've got

Thank you! I tried to explain this to my mom, who is soooooooo pro marriage before sex :| you'd figure she'd be happy I've had a chance to get to know this guy before we "did the deed" lol

Sigh* well my mother just replied to the email and told my grandma she thinks its a joke between me and a friend :/ thanks mom. Glad you think my relationship is a joke and are completely ignorant of the fact that in the past weeks ive started eatting better, have been challenging my bestie (also in an ldr) to a weight loss challenge and have developed an exercise routine that works for me, not to mention have started outlining clear life and personal goals for the near and distant future.
rather than the fast food eatting anti social hermitting cow I had reduced myself to since graduating college.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Try to ignore it for now I guess. You've done a lot to take care of yourself. Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones that screw us up and over the most. If you couldn't tell I'm a little put out with my mother at the moment, who got all judgey a few weeks ago about my relationship. I think that's been the hardest part of my journey over the last year or so is just starting to compartmentalize these kinds of things. Love her, but can't take listening to the crap anymore. You're doing the best thing you can for yourself whether she chooses to validate it or not. Ultimately it comes down to you, if you're happy with your life and your choices. And no more cow thoughts, peanut You're not a cow and you wanna know how I know? You're typing to us Big sweets. Let me know if you need anything. Always here for ya, you know

[BlueCat]

For the longest time, whenever my mum would introduce my SO to anybody (be it family or friends) she would always introduce him as my friend. It annoyed me to no end, could she not accept that we were in a relationship? Did she not want to? Was she hoping it would just blow over?!! I don't freaking know. In any case, she loves my SO now :P

I know that's not in any way helpful, but your situation reminded me of it a little.

[MyHeartsInScotland]

I 100% agree with everything that has been said so far.

Somehow, moms are really good at dishing out backhanded compliments, or try to help with the situation but make it worse. I've lucked out with mine being supportive of my relationship even before she met my SO in person, but there are plenty of times where she's tried to help, and it turned out to be a "thanks, but no thanks" situation. For example, while I was bawling on the plane on the way back from seeing my SO, she said to me "I'm sure it sucks sweetie, but it's not like he's dead." Thanks mom, that makes me feel a lot better about the situation.

With the exception of my parents, who I'm really lucky for having because want me to be happy no matter who I'm with or what kind of relationship we have, I think the generation before ours have difficulties grasping at how people can be in a relationship with someone they haven't met in person. My aunts, uncles, and a few of my co-workers were happy for me, but I could tell that they thought I was a bit off my rocker. I know that online relationships are still a new thing when it comes to dating for that generation as a whole since most of them met their SOs in classic boy-meets-girl situations, but I honestly don't understand how being with a person physically, having little to nothing in common, and minimal communication is any more "real" than a relationship that's has a strong foundation of open communication, shared interests, and support, but lacks the physical part due to distance.

I think we all look for acceptance from the people who care about us the most, but I think special situations, like the ones we find ourselves in, make it difficult for some people to really understand what we're going through and be accepting. That's why I think this forum is amazing because we all have been or are going through the same issues, and it is such a relief to know that you're not the only one who is struggling with these difficulties. Also, I think the best person to talk to about all of these reactions is your SO. If you're getting some slack from your relatives, they're sure to be getting some from theirs as well. It'll keep the lines of communication between you open, and help you bond more.

I definitely agree with merlinkitty. You absolutely are not a "fast food eating anti social hermitting cow." Reaching out for help and support automatically negates that. This relationship is obviously having a profound positive impact on your life. We can all see that, but sometimes it takes a little longer for others to see it too. They'll eventually realize how serious and committed you are to your relationship, and also how happy it makes you, and be more supportive. Stay strong, my friend, and know that we will always have your back.

[Iaria]

about the cow comment, don't worry :P I was on phone so it was just a short way of explaining that like... I'd reduced myself to an unhealthy person was just kind of stuck in this mediocre opinion of life with such a "well, this is as good as it gets" perspective? Developed lots of unhealthy social/personal habits just because what was the point in doing anything different? Like I cow just goes in a field and eats grass all day long never being like "hey, the gates open, lets go and see whats out there"



TL/DR super short: F-ing Facebook. People need to get a life.

TL/DR informative: I don't broadcast my life on facebook for reasons that I am fully aware of this habit of people "facebook stalking" just to soak up all of the daily "drama", find things to gossip about, and feel better about themselves for not being dysfunctional. I have a seperate family friendly facebook to keep my gossiping family away from my daily life while having another active facebook where I'm still being able to keep my friends up to date with small life updates that are important to people I interact with on a daily basis. SO tells me he's bothered by being in a relationship with the "not real" (my "friend" facebook uses a modified version of my name) and wants to move the relationship status to my "real" facebook. But at the sametime it's all worrisome with the dust not settling with relationship update that had no one connected to it. So now I'm back to hiding the relationship which makes me sad.



Last night was all sorts of interesting for me :/
I tell my SO what happened with my grandma/mother and he brings up that he always thought he didn't like being in a relationship with my "fake" face book. (I have a social facebook under a "modified" name which is where I can talk about what's going on with me on a day facebook, and the "family friendly" facebook - basically - a facebook that is free of anything for my family to gossip about)
[What are my reasons for having a facebook away from my mother? example: there was a girl I used to be friends with in elementary school who obviously had some issues. She used to steal things from me all the time, didn't have that great of a home life, and was quite socially challenge. My mother has always made fun of her and called her "bestfriend J***" condescendingly. J, years later, for whatever reason, sends my mom a facebook friend request, and even though my mother NEVER talks to her and I'm pretty confident J doesn't know WHO she friend-ed. Well J started posting rather inappropriate updates about a physical oddity that was discovered, and my mother had a HAY DAY. Constantly gossiping to people about it, constantly laughing about it like it was some kind of joke. and she just has this attitude "Well it's on facebook! She friended me!" She literall tells me she only stays friends with her so she can laugh at her posts and that she has no intention of ever talking to her, but it's ok to stay her facebook friend till J unfriends her. And a lot of people do that, follow these people that they don't even know, that they normally wouldn't care about, but they just like to follow their posts to enjoy the hilarity of the train wreck and have stuff to talk about. It's disgusting, but so many people do it.

So I explain to him that it's not a "fake facebook" it's the facebook that I use. I don't use my other facebook because my family, literally, facebook stalks. And then thinks they know me based on facebook posts. Which is not a good thing, because I tend to treat facebook more like tumblr than facebook. I just post funny things or my artwork. I don't broadcast my life because I don't want people to know every detail that's going on with me, the people that need to know are the people I feel are worth telling, that I actually spend time with. It's amazing how people value facebook and the significance it has in their lives and how they interact, and I think part of my problem is just that I don't treat my facebook as a place for people to go and feel part of my life - because my personal beliefs is that if you want to be part of my life you need to make an effort. Absolutely annoys me to no end when family that NEVER TALK TO ME send me friend requests, and better, after they friend me, they still continue to say nothing. There is a reason I only have less than 100 friends between my two facebooks. I dont like stalkers and will unfriend people that I have stopped talking to)

So I added him to my relationship on my "real" facebook, or whatever you wanted to call it, but ended up setting my relationship status to private because I just feel like it's going to be this massive freak fest from everyone. Because apparently making someone my relationship on facebook is like marrying someone or something? I just don't understand... it's just like "no, this is what I've been up to, this is why I'm happy - stop asking" A quick way to notify multiple people in my life of a significant change.
It's just really upsetting that, again, I feel forced to hide everything. It's what I've been told my whole life You're different, hide that, don't tell people you're different.
For the Frozen fans: "conceal, don't feel"

*deep breath* All of this drama over a social networking website that is supposedly becoming aged and insignificant.

I realize this is a lot of a personal issue with how I treat and use/value facebook working against how/value other people (SO, mother, grandma, friends and family in general - etc)

Sigh* and now my mother is all upset with me that I still haven't emailed my grandma back in 24h... like... omg... give me a moment to sort out what I'm even going to say!







ETA: Mother: "if he wasn't an alien, I'd be fine with it"

[Hollandia]

My mom is older and before she met my SO she would mispronounce his name or call him my "friend" too. Now that she spent time with him at Christmas she gets his name right all the time and sends her love to "both of us". I also dished it out to her pretty hard when she called him my friend one time, elderly people are not nearly as fragile as people think they are. I don't treat her any different than I would any other person, other than respect for her being my mom.

If your mom or grandmom is not respecting your relationship then I would sit them down with a nice cup of tea and have a bit of talk about it. They were your age once too, and true love has been around for centuries. You might find yourself surprised at how much they understand once you explain this is your soul mate, your best friend and the love of your life that just happens to live "X" miles away for now.

[Hollandia]

about the cow comment, don't worry :P I was on phone so it was just a short way of explaining that like... I'd reduced myself to an unhealthy person was just kind of stuck in this mediocre opinion of life with such a "well, this is as good as it gets" perspective? Developed lots of unhealthy social/personal habits just because what was the point in doing anything different? Like I cow just goes in a field and eats grass all day long never being like "hey, the gates open, lets go and see whats out there"



TL/DR super short: F-ing Facebook. People need to get a life.

TL/DR informative: I don't broadcast my life on facebook for reasons that I am fully aware of this habit of people "facebook stalking" just to soak up all of the daily "drama", find things to gossip about, and feel better about themselves for not being dysfunctional. I have a seperate family friendly facebook to keep my gossiping family away from my daily life while having another active facebook where I'm still being able to keep my friends up to date with small life updates that are important to people I interact with on a daily basis. SO tells me he's bothered by being in a relationship with the "not real" (my "friend" facebook uses a modified version of my name) and wants to move the relationship status to my "real" facebook. But at the sametime it's all worrisome with the dust not settling with relationship update that had no one connected to it. So now I'm back to hiding the relationship which makes me sad.



Last night was all sorts of interesting for me :/
I tell my SO what happened with my grandma/mother and he brings up that he always thought he didn't like being in a relationship with my "fake" face book. (I have a social facebook under a "modified" name which is where I can talk about what's going on with me on a day facebook, and the "family friendly" facebook - basically - a facebook that is free of anything for my family to gossip about)
[What are my reasons for having a facebook away from my mother? example: there was a girl I used to be friends with in elementary school who obviously had some issues. She used to steal things from me all the time, didn't have that great of a home life, and was quite socially challenge. My mother has always made fun of her and called her "bestfriend J***" condescendingly. J, years later, for whatever reason, sends my mom a facebook friend request, and even though my mother NEVER talks to her and I'm pretty confident J doesn't know WHO she friend-ed. Well J started posting rather inappropriate updates about a physical oddity that was discovered, and my mother had a HAY DAY. Constantly gossiping to people about it, constantly laughing about it like it was some kind of joke. and she just has this attitude "Well it's on facebook! She friended me!" She literall tells me she only stays friends with her so she can laugh at her posts and that she has no intention of ever talking to her, but it's ok to stay her facebook friend till J unfriends her. And a lot of people do that, follow these people that they don't even know, that they normally wouldn't care about, but they just like to follow their posts to enjoy the hilarity of the train wreck and have stuff to talk about. It's disgusting, but so many people do it.

So I explain to him that it's not a "fake facebook" it's the facebook that I use. I don't use my other facebook because my family, literally, facebook stalks. And then thinks they know me based on facebook posts. Which is not a good thing, because I tend to treat facebook more like tumblr than facebook. I just post funny things or my artwork. I don't broadcast my life because I don't want people to know every detail that's going on with me, the people that need to know are the people I feel are worth telling, that I actually spend time with. It's amazing how people value facebook and the significance it has in their lives and how they interact, and I think part of my problem is just that I don't treat my facebook as a place for people to go and feel part of my life - because my personal beliefs is that if you want to be part of my life you need to make an effort. Absolutely annoys me to no end when family that NEVER TALK TO ME send me friend requests, and better, after they friend me, they still continue to say nothing. There is a reason I only have less than 100 friends between my two facebooks. I dont like stalkers and will unfriend people that I have stopped talking to)

So I added him to my relationship on my "real" facebook, or whatever you wanted to call it, but ended up setting my relationship status to private because I just feel like it's going to be this massive freak fest from everyone. Because apparently making someone my relationship on facebook is like marrying someone or something? I just don't understand... it's just like "no, this is what I've been up to, this is why I'm happy - stop asking" A quick way to notify multiple people in my life of a significant change.
It's just really upsetting that, again, I feel forced to hide everything. It's what I've been told my whole life You're different, hide that, don't tell people you're different.
For the Frozen fans: "conceal, don't feel"

*deep breath* All of this drama over a social networking website that is supposedly becoming aged and insignificant.

I realize this is a lot of a personal issue with how I treat and use/value facebook working against how/value other people (SO, mother, grandma, friends and family in general - etc)

Sigh* and now my mother is all upset with me that I still haven't emailed my grandma back in 24h... like... omg... give me a moment to sort out what I'm even going to say!







ETA: Mother: "if he wasn't an alien, I'd be fine with it"

Facebook is horrid because of this exact reason. I have not posted once on mine since my last marriage broke up. I still have all his friends and family on it and I thought it was rude to go announcing it on there and really a stick in the gut to him too. So, I use facebook now only for IM's with friends that have all been warned to never expect a like, game , comment of post of any sort ever on the thing. If you are uncomfortable using it then I would suggest you stop using it. I would say that if it upsets your SO, the two of you should talk about it. Hopefully he will be happy with your decision and likewise. You could merge your FBs and post a quick comment that you know longer are happy with FB privacy settings and so have decided to set all of yours to private. Then only talk to who you want in IM and only post when about things that are acceptable to all on there. I do think if I were him, I would not be happy with being on a FB that excluded your main family and friends. It would feel more like you are ashamed of the relationship. If this is someone you might wish to grow old with someday then at some point is it more worth it to share him with everyone than it is to say it's none of their business or you don't want the hassle. Is he allowed to be on both of your FB? FB stalking or not, you should not be hiding him from anyone. It only matters to you the way they react because you allow it to matter. Talk about him and scream it from the rooftops, let their jaws wag for awhile, they will get over it.

If I did want to use FB I would have my SO all over it. He hates FB too so I have not been on it since I moved most of my friends and family to Skype. I have debated on making a new one with all my friends and family and my SO's friends and family just not to have to unfriend a bunch of people (my Ex's)that are no longer in my life. They did nothing wrong to me and none have unfriended me, so it would feel rude. If I did do that, I would make everything private because FB allows all your info you don't list as private to be seen by search robots. This being said, my SO is welcome to friend me on any FB I would ever have.

I have to laugh. Your mom does not get you are not an alien when you still live in your home country and visit USA? Your SO is no more an alien than my SO is when he visits me in USA or for that matter I am when I visit NL, Croatia or UK, or your mom would be if she were to take a trip to Cancun. It is called being tourists. LOL. If he moved to USA and became an alien then at least he would no longer be LDR.

[Iaria]

oh, you misunderstand the two facebooks.

I literally have one facebook that is "grandma"/"mom" safe, and maybe once every few weeks I log in and just post something simple like "Yay, Friday is a vacation day from work!"
But like, every lolcat image I post my grandma thinks I've gotten a new cat, a simple update that I'm in a relationship turned into emails to everyone in my family in just 10 minutes to figure out who/what/when/where/why, posts made with my usual sarcastic humor are taken seriously and turn into massive family wide messes.

So I have another facebook that I use, that my friends are on, my coworkers are on, that the people who I interact with every day are. Where everyone gets the lolcat photos, where I can post with humor/comments that "people in the now" would understand, etc
I added him to that facebook because that's the facebook I use, he was aware of both and we said we'd be friends on this one because it's the one I use.


I'm not close to my family, maybe that wasn't clear. I talk to my parents maybe once a month, if that.
Not to say I'm estranged or anything, but like, i'm a fully functioning 25 year old with a career.
Mom/dad don't always know what I'm up to, but I still like them to know when I have significant life changes.

[Hollandia]

oh, you misunderstand the two facebooks.

I literally have one facebook that is "grandma"/"mom" safe, and maybe once every few weeks I log in and just post something simple like "Yay, Friday is a vacation day from work!"
But like, every lolcat image I post my grandma thinks I've gotten a new cat, a simple update that I'm in a relationship turned into emails to everyone in my family in just 10 minutes to figure out who/what/when/where/why, posts made with my usual sarcastic humor are taken seriously and turn into massive family wide messes.

So I have another facebook that I use, that my friends are on, my coworkers are on, that the people who I interact with every day are. Where everyone gets the lolcat photos, where I can post with humor/comments that "people in the now" would understand, etc
I added him to that facebook because that's the facebook I use, he was aware of both and we said we'd be friends on this one because it's the one I use.


I'm not close to my family, maybe that wasn't clear. I talk to my parents maybe once a month, if that.
Not to say I'm estranged or anything, but like, i'm a fully functioning 25 year old with a career.
Mom/dad don't always know what I'm up to, but I still like them to know when I have significant life changes.

so you have a FB that only has your mom and grandmom, or all your family? If it is all your family and you want him to be a part of that family someday, I would have him on both. If not, why? You are afraid of what your family will say about your relationship? Whether you really use it or not, you are hiding him from them on there and they might get to know him as more of a person if they saw him on FB interacting with you from time to time.