Too stressed, I need to talk

[François]

Hello everybody.

I am in my LDR for 6 months now and my SO decided to talk about us to her tomorrow.

It is a normal step in a relationship, I have talk to my family 4 months ago and even if tehey are a little bit scare about the fact than I could move in Malaysia at last, they accept it. The problem is from my SO side, she is 27 and she is still living with her parents because she don't want to live alone.

In Malaysia, the culture is very patriarchal and she already told that if her dad disagree to this relationship, she will have no other choice than brake with me. Added to all LDR traditional objections than her dad can have, she think the worst problem should be the religion : she is Muslim and I am Christian.

She have already talk to her sister and she will help her to talk to there dad, but she have already also talk to her brother who simply told her to stop this relationship without letting her explain

She is so scare, she don't stop crying on the phone and she don't stop saying than whatever will happen she will always love me I feel like depress, I can't sleep at night, I don't eat and I can't stop thinking about that.

I just need to talk about that and support while waiting until.

Thanks

[standingoutsidethefire]

If she were to stay, and disobeyed her parents wishes, would she face any problems? Hopefully they wouldn't be too hard on her, or do something like kick her out of the house. Sounds like all you can do is wait and see what happens, hopefully it all works out for you!

[talim]

Exactly the same question came to my mind - what would happen if she just choses to disobey her parents? I know a girl who was in a situation similar to yours, she was an atheist and her SO was from Israel, from very traditional jewish family, and they had many problems with his parents and whole family. What happened to them was that her SO chose to stand up for their relationship, moved away from his parents house and they are now married and happilly living together. Their relationship with his parents also improved over time, because she showed them how much she respects their religion and culture.
Anyway, all you can do now is wait until she'll have the talk with them. Try not to stress out too much before!
Good luck

[François]

I don't really what could happen to her if she disobey to her parents. She told me than for her brother and sister her parents didn't been a problem but they both married close Muslim peoples.

She is not really scare to be kicked out of the house, when she said that I asked her why she couldn't stay with me if they disagree and I didn't got a clear answer. She just said because it's like that, she live with her parents and she have to respect and obey to them.

She will show to her dad my photo, the gifts I already sent her and the love letters. I told her than I am ready to talk with him and I simply hope than he will be open-minded and listen to her, not like her brother.

I can do nothing more for this time except waiting. I hope than she will not just cut the link between us if they disagree.

[snow]

Religion is a touchy subject. We have some couples here who are in inter-religious relationships, maybe these people can share their story with you.

Is your SO working? Does she get her own money? I ask because having your own money would allow her to get independent - get a place for herself, save up for visits and so on.
I feel like at 27 you should not have to obey ALL your parents rules. If she lives with them, they are going to make the rules when it comes to everyday things, but if she is 100% in this relationship and knows it will work out between the two of you, then I think she should stand up to her parents and not let them decide whether or not she can be with you. I know it is said much easier than it is done, but it is not impossible. I have been through this before. My dad told me I would not be his daughter if I didn't stop dating this man, but I didn't stop, because I am 25 and I make my own decisions. We had a LOT of talks, but now he loves him. Though we didn't have the added stress of different religion, only the distance and an 8 year age gap.

Good luck!

[Ahava]

I have a feeling that it is a little more complicated with Islam. TwoThree would be great at giving insight to this dilemma.
It is not just the case of what her dad thinks. Correct me if I am wrong, but it is a bad thing for the whole community if a muslim girl dates/marries a christian. (If it was the otherway round it would be different).

I can't remember in which African muslim country there was recently this case where a woman whose dad was muslim and mother was christian, married a christian.
She got sentenced to death because of that and gave birth to her child in prison. Because of international pressure the government decided not to execute her.

I don't know what the situation is in Malaysia though.

[François]

Thanks for your luck wishes.

Yes, she have a job and she even have her own house than she rent. She stay with her parents because she don't want to live alone and her parents are happy to have her with them.

I hope for the best but I have no Idea about what will happen. And if the issue is bad after the conversation with her dad, I don't know if she is able to stand up and face him. That's the scariest because I think the decision will come only from her dad. It's hard for me to understand that way to think but our culture and education are really different even without considering the religion difference.

What she told me about her dad make me think than he will listen to her and maybe want to know me before taking a decision, but I am sure of nothing.

Unlike in France, Malaysia is not a lay country. They practice a moderate Islam but you are right Ahala, a Muslim woman can not marry a non-Muslim man and there is no civilian wedding in Malaysia. We know that, and even if I am christian, I don't practice my religion, it's more by familial tradition and I don't reject the possibility to convert if it become necessary even if don't wanna to take this decision just to be married.

[Ahava]

Bon courage François!
I wish the best for you both and hope I didn't sound too insensitive just now.

[François]

Thanq you Ahava and don't worry franchise is a quality.

[silvermoonfairy3]

It's such a tricky situation when a family doesn't approve of a relationship/marriage. (Assuming the person likes/wants the family involved in their life.)
Ultimately, if her father disapproves, it's going to be up to your SO to decide if she can deal with consequences of disobeying. For some women, the thought of being so controlled by family that they prevent you from the love you want is too suffocating, and they ultimately decide that even if it means losing family, they're going to be with their love.

However, this can also put HUGE pressure on the other partner, and it's not a decision that should be made lightly.

My best friend's grandmother is from Japan, and wanted to marry an American man. Her father was deceased, so her brother was the head of the household, and he said no. She did it anyway, moving to the US to live with her husband, and her brother didn't allow anyone in the family in Japan to have any further contact with her.

When the brother died several years ago, her remaining family (sisters and their husbands) was finally able to contact her, and eventually come to America for a visit and stuff. My friend's grandmother was with her American husband for life, and it was the right decision for her.

More recently, a friend of mine was dating a girl on the other side of the US, whose parents were EXTREMELY strict. They didn't approve of anything to do with her relationship, but they were also very controlling of all aspects of her life. Her religion, her schooling, etc. She eventually moved in with him out here, and her parents basically disowned her. They still talk to her, but very formally and out of obligation, like calling her to say happy birthday for 2 minutes on her birthday and stuff.

They eventually broke up, but it was still the right decision for her, because she's happier being able to pursue her own goals instead of her parents' pre-set goals, etc. The long relationship and oving with him may have been the catalyst to finally get out from under her parents, but there were other reasons, too. It wasn't just jumping into a thing with him.

Hopefully, it won't come to that where your SO has to make that decision, but if it does, let her have time and space to think things through and be prepared if she decides she can't continue things.
Good luck.

[François]

Thanq you silvermoonfairy, even if I hope than she will not have to choose between her family and me it's comforting to know that despite the disapproval of the family, couples can work.

She had plan change cause her dad took her to her grandpa house for the weekend but cause her sister come with them, she will try to find the good time to talk to him and she said that she will try to text me when she do it, so I hope it will happen this weekend cause that is turning me crazy.

[whatruckus]

This is really tough because you have both the religion issues, as well as the family issues. In some cases, yes, these types of relationships do end up working out, but in some, they don't. If her parents reject you, being that she is from an Asian family, she might choose them. Plus, it looks as though she's incredibly close with her family. I'm being honest here. Also, as some of the others who have posted, her being Muslim is a bit of a problem too. If she decides to choose you over her family, more than likely she'll be shunned from them.

What you need to do is talk to her parents once she tells them about you. Let them get to know you. Once she tells them about you, they're probably going to be mad because they don't know you and haven't heard anything about you, yet you've been together for 6 months. They're probably going to be hurt that she didn't tell them. But, like I said, make an effort to get to know them, contact them (if they'll let you). The goal is that you want them to become as familiar with you as possible so they can see that you're a really good person and you really do love their daughter and want the best/the world for her.

I think once you get them to see that: You're in.

Good luck!!!!

[François]

I told her about the fact that we are together for already 6 months and more longer she wait, more dificult it will be.

I told her than I am ready to talk to them but she have to talk about me first. I told her than I wanna talk to her family. She already talk with mine but I have no way to talk with her family yet. I really hope than I will be able to talk to her dad and family and let them know me.

I really feel powerless, all I can do is wating and I hate that. Hopefully, I thinkk I will know more tomorrow.

We plan a trip in october for a long time, I have already save the money and I have my passport, so I think whatever happen I'll do it. I can't imagine to spend my live without meet her.

Damn, I feel so sad ... :'(

[whatruckus]

I told her about the fact that we are together for already 6 months and more longer she wait, more dificult it will be.

I told her than I am ready to talk to them but she have to talk about me first. I told her than I wanna talk to her family. She already talk with mine but I have no way to talk with her family yet. I really hope than I will be able to talk to her dad and family and let them know me.

I really feel powerless, all I can do is wating and I hate that. Hopefully, I thinkk I will know more tomorrow.

We plan a trip in october for a long time, I have already save the money and I have my passport, so I think whatever happen I'll do it. I can't imagine to spend my live without meet her.

Damn, I feel so sad ... :'(

Don't get yourself worked up too much, you don't know anything for sure. Just enjoy each other.

[TwoThree]

Ahava is right, Islam does complicate things. But sometimes it goes even deeper than just religious beliefs. It all comes down to what kind of a person your SO’s father is. My own father is quite religious, but religion wouldn’t prevent him from accepting my relationship with my SO, so long as he converts to Islam. However, the kind of person my father is makes him entirely against a relationship with a foreigner, a man from outside my culture.

Unfortunately for you, your SO seems to be a very obedient daughter. I don’t say it’s a bad thing necessarily in general, but as far as your relationship is concerned, it kinda is bad. She places her parents’ opinions/values over your future as a couple. That doesn’t sound very encouraging to me. I don’t mean to kick you when you’re down or anything, I’m really sorry for the situation you’re in, but that’s how it seems to me. Hopefully her father is different from mine. From what I heard about Malaysian society, you getting married if you agree to convert to Islam doesn’t sound too unlikely.

However, I’d like to raise a question that doesn’t have much to do with religion/culture. You have not met this girl yet. You have been together for 6 months. That might sound like enough time to establish a relationship, but definitely not enough to make serious plans to get married. You can’t say you know her enough for that, having never met her. And if her family agrees to let her marry you, there might be pressure on you to do it ASAP to avoid scandal within the community. Sorry, but it would be very stupid to marry someone you would have (at best) met only once and under very difficult circumstances.

What I suggest is that she holds off talking to her parents for now. Travel to Malaysia and meet her in secret. More than once if you can afford it. You won’t be able to stay together under the same roof, I understand (unless she can fake a business trip or something) but it would be better than just talking on the internet.

Good luck.