he's not ready to 'make this real'

[standingoutsidethefire]

Yet again I find myself here completely unsure of what to make of my relationship. My SO and I have yet to meet in person, he's too scared to come here, and he won't agree to me going to him. FML

[velkoria]

I'm sorry this is happening =( have you discussed with him why he won't let you come visit? Or why he is cscared of visiting you?

[Noodle]

Yeah, it could be understandable about him not wanting to come to you. But it's a bit of a red flag that he won't let you go to him. What are his reasons?

[standingoutsidethefire]

I'm sorry this is happening =( have you discussed with him why he won't let you come visit? Or why he is cscared of visiting you?

His reasoning for not coming here are trust issues, doubts, fears, general anxiety. Although for him I think it's much more intense as he almost through away our relationship a month ago because of it. His reasoning for me not going to visit him, he wants to come to me, he feels it's the 'right thing to do'. In the end it's left me feeling very hurt, confused and angry.

[differentcountries]

Sometimes the thing that feels right is not right at all. Because they are just feelings, not solutions. I can understand he wants to be the man and go. But does he still want to be the man if it makes him waste away what you have? That is not manly, just insecurity.

[standingoutsidethefire]

Sometimes the thing that feels right is not right at all. Because they are just feelings, not solutions. I can understand he wants to be the man and go. But does he still want to be the man if it makes him waste away what you have? That is not manly, just insecurity.

It's foolish. I like to think it's insecurities, because friends, family and perfect strangers seem to all thing 'red flag he's hiding something'. Which would kill me more than the fact that he's a highly insecure individual. Anyway, he wants me to give him two months, until the end of August. And he says regardless of how he feels at that point, he will book the a flight. So, why wait? Other than to have a sense you're in control? He doesn't even want to talk about dates and book something NOW (when it's cheaper). I know what's going to happen, he's going to wait until the end of August and the prices of flights will be too expensive. I can't even allow myself to be happy with the thought of him coming here in two or so months, because I've been let down SOOO many times by him

[differentcountries]

Tell him that even if he is scared, he will need to do something concrete to show you that he is willing. And even if he might be willing to book in August when he feels it is more right for him, it is not right for his wallet, and that practical concerns have a part in love life, too. If he is worried that he might have to change the dates, he can pay extra for a cansellation/right to change dates fee.

[Miasmata]

Definitely tell him about your worries, and that he needs to be honest with you. Couples can work through a lot of issues together and have as much patience for each other as necessary - But for that, there needs to be a foundation of trust and honesty. You can't support him if you don't know what's wrong and have to fear it's something that could damage your relationship. Being scared of big steps and commitment is not unusual, but that's what you have a partner for - To help you find confidence in yourself. He needs to let you close or he definitely has deeper issues he needs to work out.

I hope you can try to communicate with him about this. He needs to understand that you are always there for him, but you have to know what's really going on to help. Don't let yourself be strung along.

[TaraMarie]

Am I the only one who sees the red flags? Sweetie, don't sit around and wait. If he won't come to you (and you KNOW he won't), and he doesn't want YOU to go to him, then there is no sense in waiting. You are young. Enjoy your life. Tell him you will be at the airport should he ever arrive, but in the meantime go have a great summer!

[standingoutsidethefire]

Am I the only one who sees the red flags? Sweetie, don't sit around and wait. If he won't come to you (and you KNOW he won't), and he doesn't want YOU to go to him, then there is no sense in waiting. You are young. Enjoy your life. Tell him you will be at the airport should he ever arrive, but in the meantime go have a great summer!

Thank you! This is exactly what I am doing. While the status of our relationship hasn't changed, I am taking time to focus on myself these next two months.