Forced in to a LDR

[_iamdave]

Hi all, this is my first time posting and am really just looking for some advice, an empathetic ear (eye) and just general input from individuals in a similar situation.

I apologies if I get some of the LDR terminology wrong and also if this is more of a story, but I will be asking advice towards the end.

So very recently, as of yesterday myself and my girlfriend of almost three years have been forced in to a long distance relationship with at least a year (possibly a little longer) before we can "break the distance"

We met during our final year of university at a Halloween party, I am a Brit and she is an American. She had been in the UK for three years prior as she did her entire degree here. From that party we have been in a committed relationship and inseparable ever since. However in order for us to be together it feels like we have to jump through hurdles all due to the passports we have.

Originally after graduating she wanted to stay in the UK on what was our graduate visa and get some work experience. Unfortunately that same year, three months before we graduated the UK government cancelled that visa route and made all non-EU students return to their home countries once their study visa expired. So after some long discussions we decided that a month after she left I'd come over to the States (NY) to join her and try find a job. At this point I'd done a little research on the visa but nothing to the extent of what I'd learn over the coming months. I was there for five months on a tourist visa (stayed for two, left, came back for three) to try find work whilst still supported by my parents.

It was extremely difficult and it put a huge strain on us both, at one point almost breaking us. It came clear that no one was going to sponsor a recent grad with barely any experience. It was at this point I learnt that I could do an internship (J1 visa) for a year and managed to find a small firm willing to sign for it.

So I came back to the UK to get my paperwork in order and that meant for this last year that is what I have been doing. The company I originally started with turned out to be not what I expected and I managed to transfer to my dream company, who I originally wanted to work for in the first place. Everything was starting to fall in to place and it came to April when the proper work visa became available again (H1B), everything went according to plan, I got a job offer and all I had to do was wait...

Then it came to April 7th and I found out that 175k people had applied for only 65k visas. My application was put in to a lottery but my number was never drawn. After almost two years of hard work and finally getting so close to our goal the rug got pulled from under our feet and I had to pack up all of my belongings, have an emotional goodbye and get on a plane.

That is where we are currently at and I'm struggling to come to terms with what our future may hold. If I wanted to move back (which I do eventually for work) it's at least another year either via H1B or getting another J1. But truth be told I'm tired of moving.

I'm tired of living my life by watching a calendar, counting down days. Knowing that by x date I have to do this or x date is when something becomes available. I want to be settled and buy my own furniture instead of living out of boxes. I think the key in all of this is to settle but unfortunately due to some silly rules I can't - I'm not opposed to moving for us to be together, I've done it once but I want it to be permanent and the only way for that realistically happen is if we got married.

She's completely against it but I'm ok with it, if it's what had to be done to keep us together. We've now tried for two years to go down the alternative route which is way more difficult. This is our only viable option other than living in different countries for more than a year. A big factor is her parents would not be pleased but to know she would be onboard would be better than her saying "no".

I've put my career on hold for us to be together, left my friends and family and to be honest I don't know if I want to be in a long distance relationship. The biggest killer in all of this is the time difference. There was always a chance I might have had to work in another city which we were both fine about but at least when she was sat having dinner, I was too. Now I'm five hours ahead of her.

A lot of our relationship is just existing together, both of us work long hours so we love nothing more than coming home, having dinner together, watching crappy TV shows and then going to bed. I don't know if we can sustain simply texting and Skyping when we can. It hurts me that she is still living the life we had together, just minus me where as I had to come back to rebuild something I thought I left behind. I don't want to lose her as she's my best friend but I'm drained by this entire experience.

The goodbye yesterday was a little weird, there were tears, hugs, laughter but for some reason it didn't feel as heart wrenching as before. When I left to get my visa it felt like goodbye forever, even though I was coming back two months later. This time it felt like I knew I'd be back even though theres no immediate plan and during my last week I kept thinking "is this the last time I'm ever going to be in her house"

I just don't know what to do - on the one hand I'd go back tomorrow if I could but then on the other I don't want to finally get settled and then have to uproot again in a years time. She is possibly coming to Europe in a month or two so I will meet up with her there, then I plan to schedule a trip close to our anniversary once I find a job here but I need more of her than just week long visits.

I know this is an essay/ramble/not too clear but I'm just so confused and drained right now....

[Aoibara]

I understand the feeling and the uncertainty of the situation... however beign negative will not solve anything...

I understand how hard visas can be to obtation, how hard it must be to be at this stage were you have acomplish so much but you still have bumps on the road... believe me, you are a senior compared to me in your LDR ...

I havent even met mine yet but i try to stay positive and have all the patience I can, the way calm down is if I dont think to much about tomorrow and i only enjoy today only... because thinking of tomorrow makes things worst sometimes... I know you just wanna settle down and you feel very sick of all this complications, as she refuses to get married to fix your papers... I see where she is coming from, but I see your point as well... i think she needs to consider your side about guetting married because with all the visa complications makes more sence that you two do that if you are to the point were you just wanna settle down and live together... specially of you dont really seem to give a crap about leaving the UK and staying here in the US with her ...

But remember patience is a virtue and patience is always rewarded with awesome things!!! dont give up and stay focused... they are days were i feel is the end of the road with the on my LDR but tomorrow is always better and my other one makes me smile like no other! and thats enough to keep me on going

[rhabdoviridae]

I've moved every year since I left for college eight years ago. I -know- how it feels to never feel settled or at home in one place, to always been looking ahead to the next place, the next move, etc. It emotionally draining. So I can understand how that plays into your decision.

It sounds as though you are doing all of the work here, emotionally and in person: you're juggling the stress, you're leaving everything behind, you're trying to make it work. She doesn't want to get married - so don't go down that route. Not much would be worse than getting married just to come over and having the relationship fizzle. I know a year sounds like a really long time, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't. If you're on shaky ground to start with though, I think it's a heartbreak waiting to happen.

I would sit down with her and try to figure out what she wants, and you figure out what you want. Being with each other is a great goal and all, but what about careers, family/friends, etc? If you aren't going to be happy in the US, what's the point, you know? If you don't think you can handle the LDR, I'd end it now instead of later. But I think it's at least worth a shot if all you're looking at is a year.

[_iamdave]

Thanks for the replies so far.

I want to reiterate that I don't want to lose her and we aren't on bad terms. We started off our relationship as a "normal couple" (sorry if that causes offence, please let me know the correct term) and then managed to make it work when we had to move, it's only been a day that we are in a LDR. It has been me doing a lot of the work I must admit and there were times when we would bicker that I'd think to myself "hey I moved countries for you" - but I did want to move with her to the US, I'm not dependent on my family like some and although I miss my friends they don't offer the companionship my girlfriend does.

I would be extremely happy in the US even if it wasn't with my girlfriend, I just wish it had been a little easier. I managed to stay there for almost two years but the immigration system is completely horrendous and I got so close to to achieving my end goal but due to the visa cap it didn't come through. In terms of my career I know I'll have a better one in the US, but at the same time know it comes with all this stress of paperwork that the UK doesn't.

I do want to make the LDR work but scheduling is going to be our biggest downfall going from living together to texting and Skyping. Regarding the marriage topic, its a tough one because I only want it for a greencard, it makes sense on paper but I do admit it does create a world of issues.

[differentcountries]

I think that in some ways, it is harder when you start out CD. I never imagined that I would be in a LDR, but then again I never imagined that I would meet someone like him either, and if I am frustrated about the distance (I know I see him a lot, but that also means my life back home is starting to get more fragmentated, so the point where it sometimes feel like I live neither place), then I am usually more grateful to have him in my life.

Forget about closing the distance soon. Focus on getting a career going; you are already starting to become bitter about it. You have been unlucky in many aspects, but you have to work with what you have got. It is imporant to earn money and to have a job to belong to. Focus on that. If you feel like you have done really a lot, well, let it be for a bit. Focus on getting a scedule with visits, sending packages and so on. Make sure to have a life apart from each other, not just exist - otherwise you will have to be everything to one onother, and no person can take that kind of preassure. Later on, with your career going, and her career going, you can discuss the best way to go about things. Should you move? She move? By job or marriage? Slow down the pace. Don't make the visa be a make it or break it kind of question. Yes, you want to be with each other, and hopefully for longer stretches. But for now, work with what you have got, which is starting you post-school lives both together and apart.

[squeeker]

I think now you are just going to have patience. She isn't ready for the marriage route yet.. but if that's your only option.. then you have to have a serious conversation about whether or not you want the relationship. If you want the relationship... you need to be willing to do long distance as long as it takes. I understand it's hard with visas and everything. My boyfriend and I have made ourselves crazy with all the hopes we've put into thinking we could close the distance a certain way - and than nope, move on.. it mostly all comes down to finances for us which is why we've gone back to university to get better degrees so that we'll be better prepared for applying for visas. We've been together as a couple for almost 4 years and known each other for almost 5 years, and by this point, we know we want to get married one day so by this point in time, we also realize that might be how we will have to close the distance anyway. And by the time we have enough money for our future and a good career... it'll be a few years.

You mention how it hurts you to see her living her life without you.. I think that's the way to cope.. but while you wait, you aren't living separate lives completely.. make time to skype, find the times you both are free. It will be harder if you both work, but you can do it!!! Don't let the visa blues get you down.

Of course, if you have a serious think about it with her and decide you can't handle it any more, you might not be cut out for a LDR and might not be right for each other, as sad as it is. But that's the conclusion you have to come to on your own. But if you want to be together, just keep with it and have patience. There might be another avenue. I'm sure she is scared about marriage especially if she is the one who will be leaving her family. I'm also scared about leaving my family because I might be the one moving to the UK to be with my boyfriend eventually, right now though we can't do anything so we just have to be patient. I think one of the main things of long distance relationships is you have to learn to have patience to survive the distance. And keep up the hope.. though I can see how it's frustrating since you both are finished university now and so have the degrees, probably have money coming in... I don't have any good advice except.. if this relationship is worth it have patience.. if you love her, but she's not ready to get married.. be patient with her, don't pressure her to get married.. maybe consider moving there on the fiance/marriage visa route first if she isn't ready to leave her family, if you want to start it sooner.. you want to get married because you both want it. Maybe try and ask her WHY she doesn't want to get married.. is it more because of anxiety about the visas and moving away from family, anxiety about growing up, anxiety because people in her family have gotten divorced and she doesn't want that to happen to her, or is it that she isn't sure about the relationship yet.. you need to talk about it so you can be on the same page.. and know how to best help her with her worries.. and also know whether it is worth the pains of missing the one you love.. you have to figure out whether it is worth it.

I wish you the best of luck and stay strong and I hope you can make the right decision for you and her.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I was once in a similar situation your girlfriend was in where student visas are concerned. After almost 10 years of living in Canada and having a Canadian girlfriend for 2 years, the time finally came for me to return to Japan. The girlfriend at the time and I had consulted a lawyer who specialized in immigration matters, but in the end that didn't help us much. So when it came to my leaving the country, she and I decided to temporarily put our relationship on hold. We still stayed in touch, though, we used telephone as the means of communication as this was before internet became such a standard thing. The time difference between Japan and Canada just made everything so much harder, and by the time I returned to Canada several months afterward, she and I talked about it and we made our breakup official. But one thing about it is that I knew in my head that she and I wouldn't last that much longer, anyway. Even before the visa BS, I was starting to doubt our relationship in terms of where it was headed and such.
These days, I just come back to Canada once every few years. The last time I was here was in 2012, 2009 before that, and so on so forth. I haven't spoken to that ex in more than 10 years...but I digress.

On having to rebuild the life you once had, or you thought you left behind, one thing to keep in mind is that things sometimes change regardless of whether we like it or not. I'm not even close to most of the people I was once close friends with any more. A couple of my best friends even betrayed me. But as I keep coming back to this country, it becomes clear who my true friends are, who has changed and who hasn't, which aspect of the country has changed for the better and which has changed for the worse, so on so forth. So my own experience has been that I think it was good that I was thrown into the situation that I'm in right now. I really got to find out who I was, what I wanted to do for living, who would later become supportive of various aspects of my life, and who would later betray me, who were, for the most part, unimportant to me(mostly because they didn't see me as important), and last but not least, what kind of partner I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It might have taken me a lot longer to learn these valuable lessons, had I been able to stay in Canada for good, get jobs I wanted, kept hanging out with the people who would later be revealed as being phoney/shady characters. It might have even gotten me into some serious trouble just because I might have done something out of sheer ignorance. But because I was presented with this big challenge, I suppose one could say I was forced to open my eyes a bit wider, so to speak. And when those friends betrayed me, they opened even wider, lol. xD

But as I sit here in Canada, having arrived a month prior and witnessing various things that have happened to this country and my friends since the last time I was here, I can't help but notice that some aspects of this country have not changed at all since I first set foot in here way back in 1989. I remember after the falling out with those two "best friends" several years ago, I was dreading the visit here because, like yourself, I found the whole rebuilding aspect to be emotionally draining. But then something really cool happened. It's called life. Shit happens but not all shit's bad, if you will. I realized that I didn't really have to put a lot of effort into "rebuilding" what I once had here, because most things I "had" here before are long gone. Instead, I recognized what I STILL had, nurtured them, and also welcomed the new things and new people into my life here. Several years later, I'm here once again and things feel pretty solid...save for one of my current best friends but that's another story, lol.

Bottom-line: focus on the things that you have gained so far. Observe your situation as a whole, and from all sorts of different angles. Question everything. Question your relationship. Question your girlfriend. Question yourself. But as Aoibara has said, avoid dwelling on the negative aspects. Taking them into consideration is always good, but dwelling on them isn't.

All the best.

[merlinkitty]

I agree with everything everyone has posted so far. The only thing I can add to any of this is get some rest hun. You said the goodbye was yesterday. You sound exhausted. I can imagine how drained you must feel by the whole experience. Think about what everyone has said over the next week or so and get a plan together for yourself. Best wishes

[Miasmata]

I can only echo what has been said so far. Give yourself some time to recharge and work things out, and then see what you two want as your game plan. Long distance is tough, definitely, but even with timezone differences and the likes, it's definitely possible to make it work. I hope for all the best!

[Deleted]

In order to have a successful relationship, both people should be on the same page. You sound like you definitely love this girl, but you are hesitant due to the circumstances. I can't force you to go into the relationship, because I shouldn't do that, but what I will say that LD is definitely possible and if you are willing to, there are ways around the time difference. About the fact that you're apart...there's not much I can say, because none of us enjoy being away from our SOs, but we're all in this together!

If you need any more advice/support, especially regarding time difference, I'm here to talk

[standingoutsidethefire]

A tough situation all around. I'll say this, and it's just my opinion but...I personally wouldn't get married just because it's a way to be together. I realize that it would probably make things a little easier, perhaps speed up the process, ect. But I think it also can open the door to even more problems. Not to mention, I think most women look at marriage differently. A "baby let's get married so I don't have to deal with getting a visa" isn't nearly as nice as "baby let's get married because I love you and am committed to spending the rest of my life with you".

I haven't even met my SO in person yet. So I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go from being in a close distance relationship, to being separated from each other. But it's possible to keep the relationship going. It just takes a lot of planning, time, energy and effort, but it can be done. But it has to be both partners giving it 100%.