I'm not on very often, in fact I don't think I've been on in a year. I only really come on here asking for advice, and I appreciate every bit that has been given. I'm here because I'm confused, and really need help. Please, being judgmental isn't going to help at all, try to respect the decisions I've made. I say that in advance because I've gone to a few friends seeking help and advice and was quite literally yelled at for still being with him.
I think I'll start from the beginning, since I don't remember at all what I've posted. I was dating an Aussie boy online for a year and a half before he flew me out to Australia to meet him in 2013. The first two days were absolutely magical, they were the most perfect two days of my life. I met his family, they loved me, we went to the beach, spent Easter together, just talked all day. It was great. Then.. I found out in the year and half prior to dating, he hadn't been faithful. It crushed me, it still hurts to this day, mostly because of the deciet. I'd begged him to not make me go if I were going to get hurt (this isn't my first rodeo). But I decided to give him a second chance because we hadn't met yet.
I stayed in Australia for two months, then came back home, and left again for Australia in September. During this time home, I had serious trust issues. I was going through his Facebook, Skype and hotmail once a day. He, understandably, hated it, for the lack of privacy. I did too, the more I went through it, the more anxious I got. It was a vicious cycle, I just didn't want to go back and experience the pain I felt the first time. While I was back here, in the states, I met someone while I was working. I developed a HUGE crush on him. It made me realize I wasn't happy in my current relationship, that in the relationship I'm in now I've never experienced the same butterflies. I told my boyfriend immediately about the crush, because I didn't want to keep anything from him, and he told me to let it run its course, so I did. A few hours later he decided to start going through my Facebook then, though, and saw the crush wasn't a lust-crush it was a I-really-like-you-crush. He gave me an ultimatum and I picked him. I deleted and blocked the other person. He was able to let this go easily, me, not so much. Part of me held on to this other guy because, I think, he symbolized some other kind of feeling. I'm still not sure what it is. Oh, and by the way, nothing happened with the boy, there were just a few Facebook messages of me telling him about my boyfriend and I's relationship and that I did kind of like-like him.
Our relationship was rocky, going back the second time around. I think we broke up 3 or 4 times, all of those fights boiling down to trust issues and one of them boiling down to me wanting that sweet feeling I had with the other boy. I just... I still don't have any idea how to get over it. (The cheating, not the boy) While I was there I didn't go through his accounts nearly as much. Maybe once or twice a week (still excessive, I know.) He thought I was going through it more often than I was, though, and started getting defensive. At the time I didn't know that's what he thought, and had no idea why he was getting so cold. It worried me more, and there were some weeks where I'd go through it more than others. Again, with the vicious cycles. However we did have lots of good moments, I'm not sure if there were more good moments or bad or if they evened out, but they were there and they do mean a lot to me.
I had to come back to the states early this June, about 4 weeks ago. A week after coming back, I thought he'd unblocked and readded (on Skype) some girls he'd messed around with before we met, but were still in an LDR. I was upset, and tried to talk to him about it, but he just got angry and told me not to go through his accounts any more and changed his passwords. Frustrated and enraged that he wouldn't explain, I broke up with him. To sum up our break up (because typing the whole thing out would fill up a novel.. a sappy, awful, novel) he readded girls he used to mess around with back then on Facebook, so I blocked him. One of our friends told me that Skype can glitch and those people could have actually still been blocked and just appeared unblocked since I couldn't see any conversation between them. That's what got us talking again after everything calmed down, and we decided to give it one more go. The girls he readded, however, are still there, but he swears that he's not doing anything with them. They have boyfriends that they love, etc. It kind of makes me angry and upset to say any of this, so bear with me here. I've asked him to delete them several times, explaining the crushing feeling it gives me to see them. He won't because he was and still is hurt by the break up and just wants friends. Me asking that has lead to more fights and more hurt feelings between the two of us. I just.. I feel exhausted and defeated and I have no idea where to go from here. Most of me wants to stay with him, but some of me just recoils at the thought now that they're around again. I don't know what to do at all
I think I'll start from the beginning, since I don't remember at all what I've posted. I was dating an Aussie boy online for a year and a half before he flew me out to Australia to meet him in 2013. The first two days were absolutely magical, they were the most perfect two days of my life. I met his family, they loved me, we went to the beach, spent Easter together, just talked all day. It was great. Then.. I found out in the year and half prior to dating, he hadn't been faithful. It crushed me, it still hurts to this day, mostly because of the deciet. I'd begged him to not make me go if I were going to get hurt (this isn't my first rodeo). But I decided to give him a second chance because we hadn't met yet.
I stayed in Australia for two months, then came back home, and left again for Australia in September. During this time home, I had serious trust issues. I was going through his Facebook, Skype and hotmail once a day. He, understandably, hated it, for the lack of privacy. I did too, the more I went through it, the more anxious I got. It was a vicious cycle, I just didn't want to go back and experience the pain I felt the first time. While I was back here, in the states, I met someone while I was working. I developed a HUGE crush on him. It made me realize I wasn't happy in my current relationship, that in the relationship I'm in now I've never experienced the same butterflies. I told my boyfriend immediately about the crush, because I didn't want to keep anything from him, and he told me to let it run its course, so I did. A few hours later he decided to start going through my Facebook then, though, and saw the crush wasn't a lust-crush it was a I-really-like-you-crush. He gave me an ultimatum and I picked him. I deleted and blocked the other person. He was able to let this go easily, me, not so much. Part of me held on to this other guy because, I think, he symbolized some other kind of feeling. I'm still not sure what it is. Oh, and by the way, nothing happened with the boy, there were just a few Facebook messages of me telling him about my boyfriend and I's relationship and that I did kind of like-like him.
Our relationship was rocky, going back the second time around. I think we broke up 3 or 4 times, all of those fights boiling down to trust issues and one of them boiling down to me wanting that sweet feeling I had with the other boy. I just... I still don't have any idea how to get over it. (The cheating, not the boy) While I was there I didn't go through his accounts nearly as much. Maybe once or twice a week (still excessive, I know.) He thought I was going through it more often than I was, though, and started getting defensive. At the time I didn't know that's what he thought, and had no idea why he was getting so cold. It worried me more, and there were some weeks where I'd go through it more than others. Again, with the vicious cycles. However we did have lots of good moments, I'm not sure if there were more good moments or bad or if they evened out, but they were there and they do mean a lot to me.
I had to come back to the states early this June, about 4 weeks ago. A week after coming back, I thought he'd unblocked and readded (on Skype) some girls he'd messed around with before we met, but were still in an LDR. I was upset, and tried to talk to him about it, but he just got angry and told me not to go through his accounts any more and changed his passwords. Frustrated and enraged that he wouldn't explain, I broke up with him. To sum up our break up (because typing the whole thing out would fill up a novel.. a sappy, awful, novel) he readded girls he used to mess around with back then on Facebook, so I blocked him. One of our friends told me that Skype can glitch and those people could have actually still been blocked and just appeared unblocked since I couldn't see any conversation between them. That's what got us talking again after everything calmed down, and we decided to give it one more go. The girls he readded, however, are still there, but he swears that he's not doing anything with them. They have boyfriends that they love, etc. It kind of makes me angry and upset to say any of this, so bear with me here. I've asked him to delete them several times, explaining the crushing feeling it gives me to see them. He won't because he was and still is hurt by the break up and just wants friends. Me asking that has lead to more fights and more hurt feelings between the two of us. I just.. I feel exhausted and defeated and I have no idea where to go from here. Most of me wants to stay with him, but some of me just recoils at the thought now that they're around again. I don't know what to do at all
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