Why can't i just love him fully...

[innocentbutterfly]

some of you know I've been in a bad relationship that was a LDR in the past.

I think it took its toll on me. Because I tried it again and we've been together for about 3 months. I've known him and we were friends before for 4 months. We are meeting in rough 2 weeks and hes flying to me.


But I can't help myself. Ever since we are together I've had this doubts and thinking maybe distance really is a problem. I trust him. But because of the hardness. Not being able to be together much. He loves me. He does. Even more than I could wish for and hes amazing. He's caring and everything and it's 1st time I have a boyfriend treating me like i mean the world to him. But why am I wrecking it all because of my stupid thoughts? everyday I think maybe this wont last forever, maybe he'll get bored of me soon and when he does, well i should be ready for it. Because it always ends like that. Like my past ldr made me so skeptic and vulnerable that im afraid to love him fully. Im terriefied of having my heart broken again. And I just dont know why I cant just let myself love him fully without limits.

Just last night we had this 1st actual fight. He went to sleep quite collected, but i kept being mad...like i thought, whatever if we are fighting already so be it. it'll end evetually anyway. I should be ready. Its been awhile since we are together. Now it can happen. Why am I having this thoughts? and stuff he says to wish me well irritates me sometimes.

I started taking birth control a week ago. I think its messing with my head too. Making me moody, aggressive and wanting to pick a fight. And i know in previous LDR it was that at 1st that drove him away among many other problems. And i think to myself why am i repeating this. why am i starting to destroy something amazing. something I've never had before. I hate to say it but i think im taking him for granted, we spend so much time together and he loves me so much I think i dont deserve it and i always think its too good to be true.

I seriously dont know whats going on with me.

Ive had depression in the past and now it seems like its rolling back. and ive been fine for the past year and a half. off meds. now i got these thoughts. I just dont know how to deal with it. I dont wanna hurt him.

And he does nice things. these little gestures of love. but i just cant return them. I just freeze or feel like i am being silly.

Ive began to think this phrase really i love you and im in love with you. How do i know what it is. Sometimes he just irritates me even when he warns me of my bad eating habits and i know he just wishes me well. what if i just dont love him as much as he loves me?


and sometimes i just feel its a waste. beacuse eventually we'll run out of things to do/talk and will just get bored.

I read here once someone wrote at one point u wont have anything else to say than i miss you every day and that wont be enough anymore. and sometims when there isnt much to talk i feel like that and it makes me feel bad.

im afraid of the distance. that for sure is my main problem now after my last LDR something flipped in me and its just so hard for me.

I need your advice guys

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

STOP!! Seriously, you are sabotaging yourself, with your own fears and negative thinking. Let the past go! Stop comparing him to the last guy. Don't compare your current relationship with the last one. Instead of expecting the worst, why don't you flip that stupid switch and FOCUS on the GOOD things that are happening. You said yourself that he's a great guy, caring, loving, and, for the first time, you have someone who really treats you like you mean the world to him. The way the Universe works is that we get what we focus on, so if you focus on the bad, that is what you will draw to you; conversely, focus on the good and positive things that are being given to you, and that is what you will get.

You would be amazed how things can change just by changing perception, perspective, and your attitude. I know, because that is what has happened to me. Oh, and one more thing that does wonders for a more positive outlook on life: the Ho'oponopono Chant, which is I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I'll post the video. It's beautiful and it works. The idea is to say it to yourself in the mirror as often as you want or need to, to forgive yourself for thoughts and actions that have harmed you, and for allowing others to hurt you. Then say the same thing to forgive yourself for hurting others, basically forgive your past.

https://youtu.be/ac5SGwRPv0o

[Sanja]

From personal experience, thinking that relationship isn't going to last resulted in it ending eventually without fail. It wasn't that it had to be that way, but rather because I gave up at the very beginning. Instead of spending time and energy on such thoughts, try to think of all the positive things your relationship brings you. Yes, distance is hard as we all know too well, but if you give up without even trying, you are setting yourself up for the failure from the get go. Good luck!

[lilspitfire]

STOP!! Seriously, you are sabotaging yourself, with your own fears and negative thinking. Let the past go! Stop comparing him to the last guy. Don't compare your current relationship with the last one. Instead of expecting the worst, why don't you flip that stupid switch and FOCUS on the GOOD things that are happening. You said yourself that he's a great guy, caring, loving, and, for the first time, you have someone who really treats you like you mean the world to him. The way the Universe works is that we get what we focus on, so if you focus on the bad, that is what you will draw to you; conversely, focus on the good and positive things that are being given to you, and that is what you will get.

You would be amazed how things can change just by changing perception, perspective, and your attitude. I know, because that is what has happened to me. Oh, and one more thing that does wonders for a more positive outlook on life: the Ho'oponopono Chant, which is I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I'll post the video. It's beautiful and it works. The idea is to say it to yourself in the mirror as often as you want or need to, to forgive yourself for thoughts and actions that have harmed you, and for allowing others to hurt you. Then say the same thing to forgive yourself for hurting others, basically forgive your past.

https://youtu.be/ac5SGwRPv0o

This. I need to do this myself. So badly. Thank you. If I could give recommend for this, I would. Like a zillion times.

[differentcountries]

It is hard when you have been hurt in the past. Remember, you dont have to choose between loving him fully and almost rejecting the relationship before it began. You can take it day by day by day. Is his love enough for you today? I know how it is to be so scared you are almost cold. Just work with yourself, let yourself be cold, let yourself be warm, talk to SO about your conflict.

[MissM]

I'm on your same boat, sorta. I have been with my BF for almost 4 months now and things are rough at times. Specially when I get insecure due to an incident that happened early on the relationship that made me not trust him much afterwards. He tries so hard now that at times I feel bad for feeling this way, but hey, it's a team after all. I think you should try to focus on the positive like some have pointed it out here because doing what I was doing before (picking fights, being overly suspicious, etc.) was only eating away at the foundation of the relationship. I'm not saying that insecurity won't show its ugly *ss now and again, but I try to really differentiate between something we really need to discuss versus silly stuff that I make up in my mind.

I know it's scary, I'm scared out of my mind with this LDR, but at the same time I love him, and I don't lie to him, I tell him every time I am feeling worn out, like today, I told him that the distance was getting to me, he was very supportive about it and made me look forward to meeting and being in his arms. I think that's the key to things lasting. Communication and focusing on the good. I still don't have the perfect formula for this, but we owe it to ourselves and our SOs to try and give our best. Also, try not to make him pay for what others have done in the past. Believe me, I know exactly what you feel, but still, it's only fair to give your BF a clean start and open your heart to him, even if it's scary, that's the only way it can grow to something more. The fear or running out of things to do or say will always be there, it's one of the downsides of being in a LDR, but it doesn't mean the end of the world either. Sometimes you will just have to call it a day, and some other days you both will have to make an effort and try to spice things a little. I know it's hard, but it's possible, I have seen couples who have been 4+ yrs in a LDR and they can make it work with effort.

Anyway, I wish everything goes well for you. *hug*

[GuineaPunk]

You just need take a moment or two to calm down, and cut yourself some slack. You have only been together for three months, which isn't very long in the grand scheme of things to work out how you feel about someone. Sure some people fall instantly, but others take months or even years and that is without the added complication of not seeing each other very often. So what if he is able to show his feelings towards you more easily at this moment in time? Just because it seems he is more emotionally invested now, doesn't mean that you won't gradually catch up with him. Just don't be false with him, as that wouldn't be fair on either of you. If you are to love him fully, it will come to you in your own time and I'm sure he would be able to appreciate that.

If you are worried about your birth control, you should go and talk to your doctor about it. Different birth control pills have different levels of chemical/hormones in them, some of which aren't suited to certain individuals, it may be that there is an alternative that may suit you better. I know for a fact that there are a couple of birth control pills that should not be used by someone with a personal or family history of depression (although I'm sure you're doctor wouldn't have given you those!)

We're all a little afraid of the distance if we are honest with ourselves . But if you think about it, close distance couples sometimes run out of things to talk about too. Very few relationship problems are solely confined to the world of long distance, they just take place against a different backdrop. If you genuinely like each other sometimes you'll find yourself chatting for hours, sometimes about nothing in particular, and other days you might find yourself not having anything to say. But don't stress out too much about those odd days, because sometimes a little 'I miss you' is all you need to keep faith for a little while longer.

[Ahava]

To me it sounds like it could be depression? How long have you been having these thoughts, doubts?
Also you mentioned just starting birthcontrol, which could make you feel irritated?

Do you enjoy spending time with him and talking to him? Does he make you laugh?
Does hearing from him make you happy?

[rhabdoviridae]

I think the effects of birth control can definitely be at fault here. When I was on hormonal birth control, I was moody, I was quick to cry and I didn't at all feel like myself. I can't imagine that mixes well with a history of depression. If these feelings have surfaced just recently, it would absolutely be worth discontinuing this form of birth control and seeking out another.

But I will also suggest that maybe long distance isn't for you, at least right now. You owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to address your resurfacing depression; you won't be able to think clearly, analyze your feelings and make a decision about moving forward if the weight of depression is hanging over you. Consider taking a break from this relationship to figure out the birth control and the depression. During that break, be aware of how you feel about your boyfriend. Do you miss him enough to want to get back together? Do you feel relief at not having to navigate a romantic relationship with someone far away? Gathering your thoughts and taking care of yourself are two very valid reasons to take a break and you absolutely deserve to treat yourself right.

[Ahava]

But I will also suggest that maybe long distance isn't for you, at least right now. You owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to address your resurfacing depression; you won't be able to think clearly, analyze your feelings and make a decision about moving forward if the weight of depression is hanging over you. Consider taking a break from this relationship to figure out the birth control and the depression. During that break, be aware of how you feel about your boyfriend. Do you miss him enough to want to get back together? Do you feel relief at not having to navigate a romantic relationship with someone far away? Gathering your thoughts and taking care of yourself are two very valid reasons to take a break and you absolutely deserve to treat yourself right.

I have to disagree with this. Beeing emotional or having depression aren't reasons to go on a break. It would be unfair on the poor guy too! And isn't he coming over soon? I don't believe in the "taking a break". Your either together or you aren't. Instead it could be suggested for the OP to take some time to herself. Maybe talk a little less for a couple of days, ie no Skype, just text messages, or a few lines on FB/messenger, just to ask how the other persons day was and how they are doing, nothing overwhelming.

OP, have you talked to him and told him about your depression and that the birthcontrol could be messing with your emotions?
How about going of the birthcontrol and using condoms/and being very careful when he comes over? Also not sure how good an idea jumping in bed with him would be if you are in this state, is, but if you feel up for it then, enjoy. Just thinking coz that can also mess with your head if you are feeling vulnerable, and if you don't know what your feelings towards the guy are, it might also make it even harder to know, as sex releases this hormone that acts like "glue".