Not sure what to do

[TMS]

Im new to this forum and was hoping for a little advise. I really don't know who to turn to because none of my friends have ever really been in my situation. So thank you in advance for taking the time to read through my situation. Any help will be very much appreciated.

I met the person I'm seeing almost 2 years ago in October. Neither of us were looking for anything in which luck and chance happen to bring us together. We really seemed to hit it off from the beginning. We connected both physically and mentally very well. We really just seemed to fit in each others arms like it was meant to be. Kind of a crazy feeling. Everything about our physical relationship has/was top notch. Mentally we enjoyed many of the same things like food, types of movies, sports, cooking, both are very clean and organized, both love to snowboard, hiking/exploring, and many other things. We are both very comfortable with each other.

While getting to know each other I had found out that she would need to go back to her country in about a year in a half. I had a really hard time committing to her upfront with this in mind. I wasn't interested in anyone else, I was just scared to commit my heart. We discussed it on numerous occasions with her telling me she loved me and kind of pushing it from me. I thought it through and knew in my heart that she is who I really wanted to be with in which I was able to make that commitment.

Shortly after this we decided to move in together. It made since with our current situations and my roommate was very specific when telling me that she wasn't looking for a third roommate. We found a place and really made it our home.

Everything has been great, however, we have our issues. First there is our age. Im 36 and she is 25. Second, although I have a really good thing going on right now, I don't have an established career or education. She has a very good education and a very promising career in Singapore. Thirdly, Im white and she is Asian. To be honest, I dont think this is that big of an issue. It does hold weight with her family though. Lastly, there is a culture difference in the way we think. Im big on love being a tough thing to find and to really hold onto it when you have it. She doesn't believe in love and believes in career first and family later. We compromise with this view and both understand that we were just brought up in different environments. With all these differences, we have been able to make it work and have been very happy.

Recently she had to move back home due to her visa being up. At first I told her that Long Distance Relationships don't work. She insisted they do, however, she started applying for jobs trying to get sponsored. It didn't work out. She then looked into grad school as an option. Nothing really looked stood out. We even discussed marriage to the point of looking at rings to keep us together and avoid the LDR scenario. We decided that we would be rushing into it. So, On March 5th, she had to fly home.

We have been doing this LDR for several months now. Some of the issues we have are when I say I love her. She says she doesn't feel comfortable saying it because she doesn't believe in it. I then get upset because I see that as she doesn't love me. She then insists that relationships just are there. That people don't say things like that where she is from. She has been saying it though more lately to make me happy. Another thing that really bothers her is feeling as though she has to check in. That she is obligated to talk to me or ill get upset. She has been saying that there is too much pressure. Part of the pressure is that she feels i do things in my life for her and not for myself and that really bothers her.

We talked the other day and she says she doesn't love me. That she doesn't love anyone. I asked her if we should end it now. I was being a little harsh I fear. She said she doesn't know. She didn't sound too defending of our relationship. It also seems that the obstacles we have are now really starting to weigh on her mind more now that she is back home. I told her that I wasn't going to beg her to like me and that I wouldn't burden her anymore if she doesn't have feelings for me.

I have a trip that was booked several months ago (for the rate and assurance it would be available) to go visit her. We have both really looked forward to that over the last few months. We both say how we really cant wait to see each other and do all these things while there. I had told her that I don't think I can still visit her with this in mind. I asked her if we should try to make this work or move on. She then asked if I will still come to visit. I said only if there is a chance for you and I which she then asked if we could take a break and re access.

I know I need to change. I feel as though really showed her too much attention which made her feel obligated to talk to me as appose to wanting to talk to me. Jealousy never played a part in this. I think it was the texting every day and making her feel guilty if she didn't text or want to call. I believe some of this is due to the place we built together still has all our pictures up and a bunch of her things still here. I don't know that she has anything over there that really represents us.

I'm just looking for suggestions to really make this work. I know she really wants me to come visit her which is two months away. I truly feel as though we can rekindle our feelings at that time.

Any help will be very much appreciated.

Thanks

[lilspitfire]

Number one thing about an LDR. With distance between you, communication is really key. And the biggest thing is to talk about all the little things... and the day-to-day activity they would be a part of if they were physically present. You might think you are over-communicating about mundane, boring things... but the truth is that you are sharing the intimacy of daily life with you.

And technology can be your friend here. Skype is a great solution for face-to-face... but keep texting to brief updates. Text messages are completely subjective when it comes to meaning and tone.

I love Charles Orlando and I think he almost always gives great advice. You should check out his article here. https://www.theproblemismen.com/longdistance

[Moon]

Long distance is tough, and going into an LDR with the attitude that LDR's don't work was a mistake. Also, she has repeatedly told you that she doesn't love you, and honestly, LDR's are a hell of a lot of work to waste on someone who doesn't love you. There's an awful lot of sacrifice involved, and if you both aren't into it, there's just no reward in it, you know?

Maybe she just isn't ready for this kind of thing, she's at a point in her life where career is her focus, not relationships. Maybe someday she'll change her mind, and maybe she won't, but you need to ask yourself seriously how long you're willing to wait around to see if that happens.

She's told you to back of with so much contact, so do so. Do not call or text her, leave her alone and give her the chance to miss you. Let her get in touch when she's ready and see what happens. I don't know what to say about your trip, you just have to see how the next two months go. Good luck.

[farandaway]

Ladydean that is a great link. I immediately sent it to my SO. I want to read it with him and discuss the points. In our relationship I'm the one who needs more assurance and more contact. When he has hard days and he can only make a short phone call every other word he says is I love you. Some things do originate from your upbringing but she sounds cold to me. If you two have lived together and felt the connection and someone still can't say those three words then what does she feel towards you?

I don't see why you would need to change. Why do you feel the need to change when all you are doing is showing her you care and you love her? I don't know if it's immature of her or if she is trying to push you away or what it really is but something does not sound right. If it seems to be so hard to deal with this LD, maybe consider your trip as a way of clearing it out and knowing for sure. While in the meanwhile take it easier and take less contact and see it that calms things down for you?