I screwed up

[velkoria]

Hi guys I'm back! Sorry I've been gone for so long but... I have a couple of reasons why. After my boyfriend's cancer scare I became distant and a little depressed, not going to lie. I started questioning if I could really do this LD thing and I needed to find out for myself what I wanted. During this time fights started happening with my boyfriend. I became very catty and bitchy... irrational sometimes even. This went on for about 3 weeks. Eventually I decided to tell him the truth and tell him I made the choice to change, to be patient, to still be US if he would forgive me. Long story short he never said he outright forgave me but he started joking with me and started being more caring and loving toward me. He said he loved me and always would but he couldn't force me to stay in this relationship. I said I was willing to do it if he was. He then said he couldn't believe it was me talking and apologizing and asked me to tell him something only he knew so I did. Then he started being funny and I said 'do you forgive me then?' and he said 'hmmm I'll think about it =P' and then we went on to talk all night well into the morning (about 4-5 hours) and we watched a movie together and he told me he loved me and even talked about when he moves here.

The following day he showed me a phrase he had learned in spanish (my native language) and we watched more movies together. I was away most of the evening and when he saw I came back he started messaging me saying 'hey'. 'hey'. 'hey you', 'heeey' and when I finally answered he said 'hi, I love you' and then we started talking again about a game he's buying me (he said he would the other ight after the argument) and I texted him saying my net was dead so that I was going to bed. Today he had a tough day at work so we haven't talked much... Nothing unusal but still.... I feel I've ruined this entire relationship because of those three weeks. It wasn't ALL bad but I know I was quite a bitch. I'm trying to change and to go back to my old self and be more positive and understanding of him. It's hard though because I just have this feeling that he no longer sees me as a caring gf but as a psychotic bitch.

Everyone seems to think he has forgiven me but my worst fear is he'll come online one day and tell me it's over and say something along the lines of: who ever said I forgave you? I sure as hell didn't.

Yes, I do have trust issues, yes I do know I am acting a bit 'wrong' right now... but some reassurance would be nice.

[Unconditional]

Why don't you tell him the second to last paragraph?

I'm sure he still loves you, it's obvious, and if that is so then he obviously has forgiven you.

[ThePiedPiper]

Why don't you communicate your fear to him? Oftentimes, I'll tell my SO, "hey, I know it's irrational, but I'm feeling like x and could really use some reassurance." That way, you've opened up the possibility of it being irrational or down to a misinterpretation of his cues (which may seem perfectly readable in his book), and he is able to provide you the reassurance you need.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

Why don't you communicate your fear to him? Oftentimes, I'll tell my SO, "hey, I know it's irrational, but I'm feeling like x and could really use some reassurance." That way, you've opened up the possibility of it being irrational or down to a misinterpretation of his cues (which may seem perfectly readable in his book), and he is able to provide you the reassurance you need.

I agree 100% with this.

But id like to add that, everyone gets insecure sometimes, so don't feel bad about it. And I doubt 3 weeks of fighting has ruined it if he is still talking to you and saying he loves you. It seems to me he is pretty understanding, which is great. So I think that if you talk to him about it like ThePiedPiper said, he won't get upset or anything and he will ease your worries a lot.

I get insecure, especially after fights, all the time. And my boyfriend knows I have bad anxiety problems, so he has come to recognize if my anxiety is high. And when I have an issue or I'm insecure, I express it right then so he has a chance to ease my fears before they get too bad. Maybe you should do the same before it continues worrying you.

[digitalfever]

Hi guys I'm back! Sorry I've been gone for so long but... I have a couple of reasons why. After my boyfriend's cancer scare I became distant and a little depressed, not going to lie. I started questioning if I could really do this LD thing and I needed to find out for myself what I wanted. During this time fights started happening with my boyfriend. I became very catty and bitchy... irrational sometimes even. This went on for about 3 weeks. Eventually I decided to tell him the truth and tell him I made the choice to change, to be patient, to still be US if he would forgive me. Long story short he never said he outright forgave me but he started joking with me and started being more caring and loving toward me. He said he loved me and always would but he couldn't force me to stay in this relationship. I said I was willing to do it if he was. He then said he couldn't believe it was me talking and apologizing and asked me to tell him something only he knew so I did. Then he started being funny and I said 'do you forgive me then?' and he said 'hmmm I'll think about it =P' and then we went on to talk all night well into the morning (about 4-5 hours) and we watched a movie together and he told me he loved me and even talked about when he moves here.

The following day he showed me a phrase he had learned in spanish (my native language) and we watched more movies together. I was away most of the evening and when he saw I came back he started messaging me saying 'hey'. 'hey'. 'hey you', 'heeey' and when I finally answered he said 'hi, I love you' and then we started talking again about a game he's buying me (he said he would the other ight after the argument) and I texted him saying my net was dead so that I was going to bed. Today he had a tough day at work so we haven't talked much... Nothing unusal but still.... I feel I've ruined this entire relationship because of those three weeks. It wasn't ALL bad but I know I was quite a bitch. I'm trying to change and to go back to my old self and be more positive and understanding of him. It's hard though because I just have this feeling that he no longer sees me as a caring gf but as a psychotic bitch.

Everyone seems to think he has forgiven me but my worst fear is he'll come online one day and tell me it's over and say something along the lines of: who ever said I forgave you? I sure as hell didn't.

Yes, I do have trust issues, yes I do know I am acting a bit 'wrong' right now... but some reassurance would be nice.

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. Cancer is no joke and if your in a relationship with someone that has cancer and you need time to figure out where you stand with their illness then that's OK. Cancer affects everyone and it doesn't always bring people together like the movies would like you to believe.

I'd broach the topic with him and express the way that you felt honestly. But it really sounds like you are your own worst enemy in this situation. Try to forgiver yourself.

[velkoria]

Why don't you communicate your fear to him? Oftentimes, I'll tell my SO, "hey, I know it's irrational, but I'm feeling like x and could really use some reassurance." That way, you've opened up the possibility of it being irrational or down to a misinterpretation of his cues (which may seem perfectly readable in his book), and he is able to provide you the reassurance you need.

I know I will have to eventually but at the moment with his work being CRAZY and my country's situation I think I need to be in a better headspace and he needs to be less stressed to truly have this conversation. It's also a bit too soon after me telling him that I was having doubts about our relationship. We both need a break from both our jobs and outside stressors. I will eventually communicate with him though thanks.

[velkoria]

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. Cancer is no joke and if your in a relationship with someone that has cancer and you need time to figure out where you stand with their illness then that's OK. Cancer affects everyone and it doesn't always bring people together like the movies would like you to believe.

I'd broach the topic with him and express the way that you felt honestly. But it really sounds like you are your own worst enemy in this situation. Try to forgiver yourself.

Thank you... I think his cancer scare really did a number on me. I am currently working on getting my visa to be able to visit him (not an easy task due to me having been married to a US citizen before) but there are no guarantees. It was then that this all became REAL to me. The fact I am in love and dating a person who is in another country I currently cannot visit. I was also faced with the fact that he might potentially die and I wouldn't be there. That was a LOT to think about. A lot to consider. There is also the fact he can't travel here until he pays off his hospital bills which might take up to a year to pay off. All things that kept making me scared.

So, yes in part I think there's a lot of forgiving I have to do toward MYSELF. I suck at forgiving myself for anything though.

[Miasmata]

So, yes in part I think there's a lot of forgiving I have to do toward MYSELF. I suck at forgiving myself for anything though.

I know this feeling all too well - The notion that I somehow need to be judged more harshly than anyone else has been part of my life for a long time, and it still pops up sometimes today.

What's important is that you can learn to forgive yourself. It's no cakewalk and takes time, but it's absolutely possible. Whenever you get the feeling that you need to be hard on yourself, ask yourself why. Question the reaction you have - Why are you being so harsh to yourself? Would you be just as harsh if someone else made the same mistake? What if your SO made the very same mistake, could you forgive him? If so, why can you forgive him and not yourself?

The truth is that you deserve forgiveness, especially your very own. Nobody judges you more harshly than yourself! And you don't have to do that.

Boggle the Owl has a good summarization of this:



All the best to you, Velkoria.