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Is it over? Should I stop contacting him?

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    #1

    Is it over? Should I stop contacting him?

    Okay guys so we broke up. The thing is he's been so stressed and busy he feels guilty ebcause he has no time for me. I tried to explain that I didn't mind the silence but well he's been working 15+ hours and truth is we hadn't really talked in about a month, just a couple of texts here and there. So he said that this wasn't fair to me. Then he told me he felt guilty and that I deserved better than this. He said he, as my best friend, would tell me to leave him. That he needed to get his life together and then he would come back to me. I asked him if his feelings for me had changed at all and he said 'no, I still love you but this is not fair to you... I can't even speak to you and you deserve way more than I can give you' and well... it ended. I told him I couldn't go back to just being friends because it was going to be horrible when he found someone else and I had to imagine him kiss and be with another woman. His answer was: you don't get it... I am not going to be with someone else and when my life is together again I will find you and win you back. I will take back what is mine (meaning me... he always calls me 'mine'). I want YOU.

    So of course now I am left with two issues:

    1) I want to believe him and maybe deep down I do that he still loves me but... I also feel he's just telling me what I want to hear (no, he's not one of those people but isn't this something people do?).

    2) To still remain in contact with him and fight for him. I do want to do this... I don't want to move on and this man and I were going to get married. I'm not talking about desperately contacting him but little things like saying 'good morning', 'hope you have a good day', 'remember to rest', etc. Because I do want to fight for this but some people tell me that is stupid and that I need to let him go and come back if he wants. I can understand that but at the same time I WANT to fight for this. Of course this means that it will hurt triple if he does decide he's done for good. So... I don't know what to do and I need opinions.

    Regardless, I love this man if not as a boyfriend as a friend. This hurts inmensely but I have this stupid feeling... I don't know. Maybe it's just me being wishful.
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    #2
    It's difficult to say what to do when you're very good friends as well as SOs. Personally, I don't like when there is a "possibility" attached to a break-up. Either take a break to work on yourselves with intent to come back together or just end it completely. In that sense, I would say take the time apart with no contact for a while and then try to be friends without the romantic feelings at a later point - that is hard to do, though. "Fighting for him" might just prolong hurt.

    I am sorry you broke up and are hurting!
    When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far,
    no time is too long, and no other love can break them apart.

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      #3
      What I don't understand is, if both of you dont want the relationship to end, then why did it end? Life isn't fair, you have to go through hardships and troubles and obstacles (not to say that you haven't gone through those.) While this is a very sweet thing to do, and that he understands that you deserve better, tell him straight up. "I don't want, BETTER I want YOU."
      I think you should be able to get through this as a couple, after all, if you're in a relationship and he pulls the plug just because of the fact that he feels he is not giving you the attention you need, then what's going to happen when you guys get married and something worse than this happens?
      I just-i get his logic, and while it is a nice thought. I think if you both want this like you say you do, then you'll fight for it and get through this! The not being together part is hurting you both a LOT more than the problem of needing more communication.

      I'm sorry this happend, and I do hope that you find some peace and everything works out for you. Best wishes
      Last edited by Unconditional; August 12, 2014, 11:21 AM. Reason: misspellings, misspellings everywhere! xP
      "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

      Comment

        #4
        It is not a sweet gesture. It just means he wants you to reserve yourself to him, but without him actually having to be with you . It means he broke up. You probably DO deserve better than him!
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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          #5
          Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
          It is not a sweet gesture. It just means he wants you to reserve yourself to him, but without him actually having to be with you . It means he broke up. You probably DO deserve better than him!
          The fact that he thinks she deserves better than him because he cannot meet the requirements he thinks she needs is a kind gesture. Obviously if he still loves her, yet he wants her to be happy when he knows right now he is not making her feel happy, that is a sweet gesture. The fact that he put her first in his thinking, that's the gesture. If of course he is being 100% truthful.
          "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by Unconditional View Post
            The fact that he thinks she deserves better than him because he cannot meet the requirements he thinks she needs is a kind gesture. Obviously if he still loves her, yet he wants her to be happy when he knows right now he is not making her feel happy, that is a sweet gesture. The fact that he put her first in his thinking, that's the gesture. If of course he is being 100% truthful.
            It COULD possably be a sweet gesture if he actually just let her go, instead of practically asking her to wait for him for an undisclosed period of time, until he will find it in his heart to reinvent his loving self. This is double-communication, if not downright cruelty towards a woman he claims to love dearly. If he really meant what he said, he would let her go, let her go on with her life and THEN come around to seduce her, not announce his good intentions forehand.
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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              #7
              Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
              It COULD possably be a sweet gesture if he actually just let her go, instead of practically asking her to wait for him for an undisclosed period of time, until he will find it in his heart to reinvent his loving self. This is double-communication, if not downright cruelty towards a woman he claims to love dearly. If he really meant what he said, he would let her go, let her go on with her life and THEN come around to seduce her, not announce his good intentions forehand.
              I do agree, it's wrong of him to break it off and then basically expect her to wait for him to come back and win her over again.

              OP: If this does not end up working out (& I believe it has since he called a break..) you are wrong if you think you won't be able to fall in love again, but this time with a man that treats you right, even if in a few years he did come back and he IS the one you fall for all over again. As of right now, the break is just that. A break so I know it'll be hard, but you'll eventually have to-for lack of a better phrase-get over him..and if he comes back, then he comes back. Personally I don't believe keeping exes as friends, but that's just me, if it works for you guys then it works for you.
              "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by Unconditional View Post
                The fact that he thinks she deserves better than him because he cannot meet the requirements he thinks she needs is a kind gesture. Obviously if he still loves her, yet he wants her to be happy when he knows right now he is not making her feel happy, that is a sweet gesture. The fact that he put her first in his thinking, that's the gesture. If of course he is being 100% truthful.
                I agree 100% and I think that he is trying to do what's best for her.

                My advice, always be open about your feelings OP. Leaving him those messages is a good thing, because it will remind him how much you care. And having hope for you two working through things isn't a bad thing. Yes, you may be broken up, but he still cares. Which means there is hope.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                  It COULD possably be a sweet gesture if he actually just let her go, instead of practically asking her to wait for him for an undisclosed period of time, until he will find it in his heart to reinvent his loving self. This is double-communication, if not downright cruelty towards a woman he claims to love dearly. If he really meant what he said, he would let her go, let her go on with her life and THEN come around to seduce her, not announce his good intentions forehand.
                  I think it's very cruel also although he makes it sound sweet. Can't let go completely but not ready to keep going and solve the issue. If there is love, there is a way. If I were OP I would feel terrible and deeply heartbroken, wondering how can someone do this to me, especially if he loves me as much as he says he does. Even if you really broke up and you could eventually move on, what if he comes back and does this again? How can you trust his love any more? What if he suddenly is occupied with his job and has no time for you and what if you are already married at that point. I think it's very selfish what he is doing and I would try to talk to him and ask if he understands what he is doing at all. Hopefully he can be completely honest and tell you what he is thinking and if he is doing this for the reasons he lets you believe. I hope you can work it out, one way or another.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by farandaway View Post
                    I think it's very cruel also although he makes it sound sweet. Can't let go completely but not ready to keep going and solve the issue. If there is love, there is a way. If I were OP I would feel terrible and deeply heartbroken, wondering how can someone do this to me, especially if he loves me as much as he says he does. Even if you really broke up and you could eventually move on, what if he comes back and does this again? How can you trust his love any more? What if he suddenly is occupied with his job and has no time for you and what if you are already married at that point. I think it's very selfish what he is doing and I would try to talk to him and ask if he understands what he is doing at all. Hopefully he can be completely honest and tell you what he is thinking and if he is doing this for the reasons he lets you believe. I hope you can work it out, one way or another.
                    I definitely see your side of it. And you could be very right.

                    However, in my relationship my boyfriend felt like he was holding me back at one point and that it was better for me if he left. Of course, after awhile we worked it out. But he was trying to do what was best for me no matter what. But after some time of me expressing my feelings, he saw my side of it.

                    And I think it could be a similar situation here. He sounds like he wants to do what's best for her, but he also wants her to know he does still love her. But I could be wrong. Just my opinion.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      You don't end something you know 100% that you want. To me it sounds like he's not sure what he wants but it's easier to ask you to wait than to decide. I know that that's harsh but worse things happen in relationships and running away can't always be the way he chooses to deal with it. What he did is entirely selfish underneath the pretty words and you have to understand that. Do as he says and do your best to move on and give him the space he clearly wants but don't hold your breath.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I think situations like these very much points to the difference between loving someone, and being able to take care of them. Being in love is easy and wonderful. Being in a relationship is hard, you get pushed mentally and you have to change to adapt to the other person. Sometimes the person has the skills (or the connection) to do that, at other times love and vounerability brings out their more unpleasant sides. Guys don't want to be cruel or sound stupid by saying things like "I have no idea why you make me horny/maked my heart spin /understand me and still I can't find any time or energy during my day/week/month to make this relationship happen". That is why they take on the role of protector, whille, in reality, not protecting anything at all. I had a thing going for years with a man who by his own admission felt a connection to me that he had with noone else, still that was not enough at the end of the day. He too did the "I only want what is best for you"-crap, like saying we should not be together because he could not give me what I needed while still acting like an upset boyfriend if I was not available to him when he wanted it. It is very convenient to ask for freedom for oneself and a little unpleasant to grant you the same freedom, after all who knows what you would do with it?
                        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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