how do i know to let go or to stay, when i cant see a future of us being together?

[madandblue]

i believe that in my relationship, the couple should be physically together at the end of the day. it doesnt matter if its a short day or a loooooong day figuratively speaking, but eventually we will be, you know, at least living in the same city... so my issue is that one of us have to relocate to the other side of the world. considering both our circumstances right now its going to be a difficult goal to achieve for a long time, for the other person to uproot and work in an entirely new environment.

we had talked about marriage, and he said he dont mind us in the long term, and thats what i feel about him too. at this point of time we're still not certain that we want to promise each other a lifetime. i raised this point is not because i expect him to wed me. but its just that, without the powerful motivation of a sacred promise, on bad days i feel like giving up on us there isnt much to hold on to. the future for us seemed all bleak and dreary and if i can see just the tiniest peek of light maybe i can find the strength to move towards that. i dont mind hardship, as long as i have hope. can anyone give advice on this? how do people find strength in such situations?

i tried to justify my thinking this way that if we were to break up now it will be a one time fixed cost, abeit heavy. both of us will be deeply upset for a long while, i think. but eventually with time hopefully we will move on? but if we were to stay together in this ldr, with no hints of being rewarded with any possibilities of being together physically, there are going to be many variable costs which over time will accumulate to be even greater than that of the one time fixed cost of the break up. i want to call it quits, but he wanted me to hold on, and was super patient and lovely everytime i had such emotional periods. he's a very very sweet man, so that is why i dont want to hurt him anymore with all my negativeness.

i had articulated all my fears and concerns to him and he said "sometimes it feels like youre actively trying to scare me away"... he just seemed so optimistic im not even sure he understands what is going on. i just want to know what assumptions he built his hopes on (i tried asking him many questions, in varied form, but still unable to get a clear idea sigh).

we had seen each other crazy and ugly sides and we both accepted and decided to love each other for all we are - this man made me feel incredibly loved and blessed. i want him to be showered with lots of love and i cant deliver that because we're so far away and most likely to remain so for a long long time, so if i make a clean break maybe he can find another girl who can treat him better than i can? please dont tell me im a moody bitch. i am aware of that and trust me i had really really tried to rein that in. i am hoping on advice and insights on what to do because i feel like im depressingly rational to consider other perspectives. thank you.

[differentcountries]

after just half a year, relocation is stretching it a bit far. How about a visit? Do you have the time and money to be able to be with each other physically soon?

Don't say doubtful things to him unless you want to break up and move on, I think we all can agree that international relationships are hard but there are rewards, too.

I have no idea at this point how we will, if ever, close the distance. That does not worry me, though. I get to see him at least some of the time and that is what matter. We use this time to get to know each other and find out if this is someting we want to hold on to for a really long time. We do little and little, step by step. Then I imagine that the big steps will feel less big. I am learning Turkish, which is very useful since I spend a lot of time in Turkey and people don't speak very good English. I hope to make visa happen so he can visit here too. I think it LDR as like a big piece of fabric where we are slowing cutting pieces of the fabric, and once everything is cut, we will close the distance. Everything will happen in due time.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Look around here on the forum. Many here have been in LDR for years, with no end in sight, but they are still happy with each other. Don't give up so soon, or sabotage your relationship with negative thinking. If you really love each other, you can work it out. It isn't easy, but it is doable.

[madandblue]

I think it's all the uncertainty that is killing me - will he still love me at the end? Will I find financial stability after I graduate, so that I can save up for the air tickets (at least $2000 for return flights) and traveling expenses? Who will take care of my family or how do I settle my student debts if I leave the country? What if I moved over and turns out we're not compatible and I'm left stranded alone and struggling in a foreign country?

I'm not sure if I'm thinking too far but they scare me I'm in sociology major and the job market don't look very promising for art students so the insecurity of finding employment eats up a lot of confidence sigh

[differentcountries]

Noone here can promise you a job, but it helps to keep the chin up. Hopefully, you would not feel "stranded "if you and SO broke up living in his country because you would have a life there, too. And then you could always go back. It sounds to me your main concern is not your relationship, but work and money. Which I can understand, when I met SO I had no money and no job. But I think just having met him and having our first visit, played a part in me getting the job I have today, because I was doing it for him, too. The best of luck :-)

[conejita_hada]

Those are a lot of heavy questions to be thinking of all at once, thought it makes sense, one question leads to another. Trust in his love for you, if he demonstrates it, you love him, and you are both happy with your relationship, it is good to think about your future paths (together and as individuals) but it will do no good to think if his love for you will end. None of us know if that day will come but we pursue a relationship with our SOs because we want that committed partnership. Set up your plan for your own future, work toward your goals as an individual and save up for the times in the more near future when you/he can visit. In the long run, you should still be able to pay student loans from another country (would he ever move to your country?). Is there the possibility of an end-date in sight for a day when you can physically be together that you are able to think of when the negative thoughts come to you? It does not have to be a definite date but an ideal that you can plan toward.

[Alsfia]

What if I moved over and turns out we're not compatible and I'm left stranded alone and struggling in a foreign country?

This bit really stood out for me, and that is why visits are so important! They let you know if the chemistry is there in real life and if this is something that you want to work for. I understand they seem like a huge expense and maybe even an obstacle, but if you don't start focusing on smaller goals and planning (such as "by the end of this year I will have saved up at least 3/4 of a return ticket!" and researching airports, flights, visas and maybe even try and make a mock budget for a visit) there isn't much that's going to hold you or your relationship together (sorry if I'm a bit too blunt). Could you work together to save up for traveling expenses?

[madandblue]

Is it very strange for me to feel that maybe he will be happier without me???? Like, he will be free to find someone to hug him and be available to him in times of need, instead of waiting for me to wake to say good morning when he's about to sleep and missing me. I can only ship him stuff but I hate that it's just not... Instant enough. He said he's happy to be with me in this ldr but somehow I just can't be completely convinced, which made me feel helpless and kinda lame.

Btw, thanks for all the advice they really helped with the anxiety regarding financial part!

[conejita_hada]

Take him at his word. I'm sure he would be heartbroken to end things. It sounds like he loves you and is willing to wait for you. I have thought of the possibility that my SO would be better off just finding a girl in his country and living the life he imagined before we met. It would be easier for him. But then he talks about his love for me and his willingness to wait and embrace the difficulties that come with being LD and relocating to a different country. If he says he's willing to wait, take him at his word.

[TaraMarie]

My concern is she has doubts so early into the relationship. What will happen in six more months?

[differentcountries]

Is it very strange for me to feel that maybe he will be happier without me???? Like, he will be free to find someone to hug him and be available to him in times of need, instead of waiting for me to wake to say good morning when he's about to sleep and missing me. I can only ship him stuff but I hate that it's just not... Instant enough. He said he's happy to be with me in this ldr but somehow I just can't be completely convinced, which made me feel helpless and kinda lame.

Btw, thanks for all the advice they really helped with the anxiety regarding financial part!

It is not for you to speculate on such things. Right now YOU are with him, and you should try to make him happy. He wants you and your doubts will make him feel unloved. I am not sure if you dobt his love and sincerity or if you dobut your own ability to commit...Anyhow, I think all such questions will be answered when you start to have visits as well. When you can afford it, go!

[madandblue]

i grew up in a dysfunctional family, so i'm not very optimistic when it comes to affairs of the heart.

but i met him and when we were together i thought he's the best boyfriend i could ever wish for. he's very affectionate, giving me random hugs and kisses and made me feel very well loved. hes never really good at talking about his feelings, but he would rather show through actions to people who matters to him. but now that we're in long distance... i know he still loves me very much, but i am the one putting in more efforts. when we were in the same city, we very seldom text except to confirm details of when we meet up and stuff like that, but now with the distance im the one sending random loving texts throughout the day, the one writing snail mails, the one buying things online to ship over because he was having a bad week, and always the one initiating skype calls (he's currently unemployed now, so he's not too busy to not have time for me). im not expecting him to love me the same way (though that will be nice), but i would feel more appreciated if every now and then he will get out of his comfort zone and express to me verbally that he is still in love with me. i tried talking to him about this, and he agreed with me, but even after the conversation things didnt exactly improve much.

i just feel so isolated right now and hoping for some advice that can help me cope better

[differentcountries]

If he is unemployed he may spend his time looking for jobs by day, by night being broke and feeling down. It is not like he is on holiday... Even if he is in love with you he may have lots on his plate. He may not want to show himself weak to you.

[thehappyhope]

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this? I have a feeling that it might help. Heck, if you don't mind, we could even meet, since we're in the same city.

LDR isn't easy, so don't make it harder on yourself by asking all the big questions at once. I have big plans for next year, too, involving myself semi-relocating to his place, and I often wonder if it's possible, if it's worth it, what if we break up, not to mention having tuition fee loan to pay off and trying to support myself while there, but sometimes, you'll realise, that thinking about everything now doesn't really help. Research instead, into scholarships, apply for one job after another when you're down. (When I miss him I just apply for more internships to get one, so that I can be with him before my study commences).

You mentioned wondering if he would be happier having another girlfriend in the area. It doesn't sound like he would. He sounds like he really loves you and is willing to work this out. Whenever you wonder about this, just tell yourself that you can be an even better girlfriend for him, instead of letting another girl becomes his gf, when clearly, the two of you love each other.

Not everything is all bleak in LDR. Look up some fun Skype ideas, take up some activities other than your studies, be the interesting girlfriend he fell for. If you stay positive, it will reverberates to him too. If you remain negative, the outlook will be grim as well.

[DC2London]

Hey!! I know this feeling and it is all too familiar. As a matter of fact, it is exactly how I am feeling now. My SO is in London and I am currently holding down a great job here and hoping to move sometime next year. But like you, I feel my major is not what London is looking for, coupled in with the complexities of visas and all that noise,it is frustrating. But I can tell you this, showing doubt will only harm the relationship.

You have to believe that things will work out. It is so hard but I just know that whenever I see him or hear from him, skype, text, w/e, I just feel that he is the one for me. When I am feeling down I ask myself, could any other guy I have met or maybe meet make me feel as happy as this person? And thus far, not even close. I suggest doing some heavy research on visas and jobs and maybe discuss all the options. As one of the posts says, some people have been doing this for years, I am coming up on 2 and know I have another year and a half. But if both the hearts are in it, then anything is possible.

If he wanted to date other girls and such, he would! He seems so very happy with you. And trust me, me and my SO have gone through bad times, almost broke up earlier this year but thinking about not messaging each day or seeing a life without the other...it keeps us going. He has even become more positive and kept me afloat when it was the other way around at a time. And hey, sometimes a break can make you realize the reality of them not being there, on my break we realized we just didn't want that. Keep the belief alive that things will work and patience will be the best weapon in your arsenal!