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    3500 miles to 35

    Hey everyone !
    I am in need to just talk about my relationship, as I am going through some hard times with my girlfriend. We met about a year ago. She is from the US and I'm from Europe. The day I met her, I told her I had been thinking of studying in the US for a couple of years. Anyway, it was still a 3500 mile distance, and to this day she can't tell me why she kept talking to me that night. We went on to talk from a couple times a week to talking every day. I started sending videos and photos, and after a while, so did she. Then we moved on to Skype and FaceTiming and since then, we have seen each other through video calls every day, for the past 9 months. There were some days we didn't, because one of us couldn't do it, but we always tried finding time for each other. When I realized I was falling for her, I finally decided this would be the year I would actually complete my application to American universities and go through with it. We met in person in April 2014 ( I met her in august 2013 ). Everything went great, even though we didn't kiss until she said goodbye to me at the airport, but our chemistry was all there. When finally in May, I got accepted to the university I wanted to go to ( I had gotten accepted to some universities in the UK, but would rather go to the US ). We got very excited that we would finally be able to be together without me or her having to fly for 10 hours. And now, August 2014 I am living in the US, 35 miles from her. Even though I went through with it, it was very hard to get here. She is not an emotional person, she doesn't talk about her feelings often, and she has trust issues ( believe me, she does ). But I have learned to love her for who she is, no matter what. She says it herself, she's a difficult one, but I've always had the patience and care for her to be with her through the hardest times. I had to fight a lot, emotionally and mentally, to stand where I stand now. The thing is, now she's starting to show lack of interest in being with me. Even though she's 35 miles apart, our next date is in 2 weeks, and i don't know why she can't come see me before that. I do understand she has to have time for herself, but we've been apart for 1 year and all I want is to hug her. It's hard for me to understand this. On top of everything, she hasn't kissed me yet. I said I wouldn't do it, because I did it the last time and she didn't seem too comfortable with it, so I just told her I would wait. But it's been a while and she hasn't even shown any intention of doing it. My heart is starting to break. I didn't move for her, but I was expecting her to be more supportive and just be here for me. It didn't matter if I moved farther away or closer, I was counting on her to be by my side and help me through everything. She's been my best friend and accomplice. I don't know what to do, and she won't talk to me about it. I need a hug, I need a kiss, I need her. But she's not available. She continues to say she loves me, when I say it. But I'm afraid we just lost it. I continue to love her with all my heart, but I think she gave up a while ago. And it breaks my heart, that after being long distance for so much time successfully and finally being close, we just lost it.

    #2
    It is a big change for her, too. What will all this mean to her? A normal person could get a little change-panic, and with her trust issues I guess her mind can play a bit of tricks on her. You are so close, yet not part of her daily life. It takes some adjustment to do. I suspect she has her own life. I know I could not neccesarily shift lots of stuff around if my SO moved to the next city, I sometimes even work on weekends and I often have arrangements with my friends. I can't say I really get you impatience; if you have waited 1 year 2 weeks should be like nothing to you.

    If she is not a straightforward person, don't add to the confusion. Just live you life and meet her after the 2 weeks. Be grateful she found time for you. Take things from there.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      After a year, I somewhat would have an issue with her pulling back. I would take her out to a nice dinner and sit down and talk about what both of your expectations are. I would be spending most weekends with my SO if we were 35 miles apart. There comes a point where you merge your lives more in a relationship. You still have your own time from time to time to see your buddies and family but you also add this person into the mix more and more.

      It shows that you are less casual about the relationship when you have family gatherings and more often than not, your SO is invited. If this person is ever to be a part of your life down the road, then would also be a part of your family. You also add them into your social circle of friends. You don't keep them separate and see them when you can fit them into your schedule. A year is a long time and so perhaps this a good point to see if the two of you both want the same level of commitment.

      I would never suggest going to a school or taking a job strictly because of a LDR so I do hope regardless you are happy in your new school. You are in a new country and starting a fresh new challenge. Enjoy it. Don't hold off on making your own social circle of friends and sit home waiting for her to make time for you. When you love someone you want to spend time with them, you want to hug them and you want to snuggle up and watch movies on the couch. You also care enough about them to want to be there for them when they are alone in new country. You make the time for them. If she does not have a legitimate reasons for not being there for you, I am sorry, I think your feelings are not being returned. Saying "I love you" does not mean anything unless you mean it and yes, actions do speak louder than words.
      "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
      Benjamin Franklin

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        #4
        I am having some conflicting feelings about the whole situation. I love her very much, I just do, and it's hard for me to believe that after a year and the enormous effort I made to make her happy, she is going to pull out now. We are both starting school in august, and will then be 150 miles away. This is our last week where we can be together without having to think about classes and I just wish she would come meet me. She doesn't have much to do, she sleeps and plays video games all day, so I have a hard time understanding why she can't meet me. And when I talk about it, she doesn't seem excited at all. It's like " wanna meet ? " , " sure " would be the answer. It is very hard to be apart from everything I have known so far and not have the one person I expected to always be there. I'm not a possessive person, I know everyone needs their time, and so do I, so I would never be excessive, I just wanted to feel loved and appreciated for all the sacrifices I made. I did it for me, but I was also hoping I could spend more time with her and figure out if she's really the one for me. It's very though to be in a relationship with her, more so if she doesn't show any kind of interest in being in a relationship with me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if she's acting like this because it's all new or if she really isn't interested. Things haven't been good for a couple of weeks now. She says she's stressed about school and moving to another city, but so was I and I didn't quit trying to make her happy and make her smile every day. I just don't know, and right now I really need to focus on me, and if she's not interested, I'll just have to let her go. I've had a talk with her, I mean... As much of a talk as I could, because she just doesn't speak. I asked if she wanted to be with me still and after a while she said " yeah " and I said " you really do look excited to be with me " and she didn't even say anything back. I don't know if she's having a hard time dealing with herself and her feelings or if I should stop deluding myself and just break it up.

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          #5
          Have you ever confronted her about what you feel with regards to her nonchalance and disinterest? Having trust issues and a big change upcoming in life is one thing, but I wouldn't think of totally withdrawing away from your SO as normal. Do you still Skype, with the 35 miles between you? If yes, does she act differently on Skype?

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            #6
            Yes, we still skype every day. And we still text a lot, even though our texts are mostly " ok " and " alright ". Everything is normal when we talk at a distance. But being with her is like being with a friend, she doesn't hug me or kiss me. We barely even touch each other, and if we do touch each other it's because we're probably playing pretend football and we tackle each other. We don't even hold hands. It's like " cool bro ". But she's the one I love. And I wanted to be more intimate with her. I have confronted her, and she just says she stills wants to be with me and still loves me, and that's it. I don't pressure her into anything else because then she gets upset, I get upset and arguing about it won't take us anywhere.

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              #7
              What happened that made her have trust issues? Maybe you could encourage her to talk about it either with you or a therapist. In my eyes it looks like she needs professional help. You need to have a more serious talk with her about this and you need to make her feel supported. If she really does love you and you really love her then it shouldn't be the fact that there is no intimacy to break you guys apart. Also maybe you should go back to being friends for a while without the romantic stuff and just be there and support her. I hope everything works out! *hugs*

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                #8
                She had a very complicated childhood. And I'm talking very very complicated. And that's why. I've started to think that she needs professional help, because I'm clearly not getting through to her and I can't help her if she doesn't let me. Our relationship is basically a friendship because there's no intimacy. But I can't do that right now. I have just moved 3500 miles. I left all my family behind, everything I've ever known and I need a caring and loving person to help me through the first couple of months. And I was counting on her because she said she would be that person. And she hasn't been. Anyway, thank you all for helping me think about this situation in different perspectives. I will probably end the relationship soon. It's our 1 year anniversary next week and if she doesn't amaze me, I'll be done. I deserve more than this.

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by Parichisu View Post
                  Yes, we still skype every day. And we still text a lot, even though our texts are mostly " ok " and " alright ". Everything is normal when we talk at a distance. But being with her is like being with a friend, she doesn't hug me or kiss me. We barely even touch each other, and if we do touch each other it's because we're probably playing pretend football and we tackle each other. We don't even hold hands. It's like " cool bro ". But she's the one I love. And I wanted to be more intimate with her. I have confronted her, and she just says she stills wants to be with me and still loves me, and that's it. I don't pressure her into anything else because then she gets upset, I get upset and arguing about it won't take us anywhere.
                  Oh no, that sounds bad..
                  It's a good thing you stick with her and try to make it work, since it could be some childhood-related thing. But if it isn't that, this sounds just clearly like someone that is just afraid to brake it off and is trying to create as much distance as possible in the hopes you'll eventually do it. Sorry :/

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                    #10
                    well, an update to this thread ! 2 weeks have passed and we still havent met. She claims she doesnt have the time to visit me, and doesnt have the time to be with me if i were to go meet her. Since she just started school, it cant be that hard to make up an hour to celebrate our 1st anniversary. that's right ! so i am now very discouraged to continue pursuing this relationship, and am thinking i should break it up. I am now in a new country, i have many things i need to deal with, and i cant waste my time or patience on someone that doesnt care enough to meet me on our anniversary. I don't think i'm being selfish. She has had a year to think about what she wants and if she wants me. If she doesnt show any interest in being with me, i have to choice but to give up. Because no matter how much you love someone, you should always love yourself more. And i need to implement that. i cant keep pretending i have found the one, and keep lying to myself. i need to face the cold and hard reality that i have spent one year with the wrong person. that i moved to another country to be with someone that doesnt want to be with me. because after one year, if i had my SO 35 miles away i would visited her every other day. doesnt matter if its for 5 minutes. and if i were to receive a call at 11pm from my SO crying for a hug, i would drive there and give it to her. because that's what love is. love is caring. love is respecting. respecting might mean respecting that someone is making an incredible effort to be with you, and you want them to feel appreciated. i dont feel appreciated. or loved. i feel like an idiot just running after someone that decided to take a hike on a fast train.

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                      #11
                      I agree. Live that life! Maybe she'll end up being in it after all, but for now focus on running the path you want!

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