In need of advice regarding Carribean Lover

[ladiielove22]

so i have been lurking this forum for some time now and i have inadvertently received some much needed advice (thanks btw) but i do have some questions i need a few answers to.

Me and my SO have been together for over a year now, initially we would talk just about all day every day as time passed the conversation became less frequent which wasnt a big deal for me because i dont want to become repetitive in conversation i can ramble on for days about absolutely nothing where as he is a straight to the point type of person.

In may just after our anniversary i decided to close the gap for a small amount of time just so we can get to know each other more especially a great idea seeing that we're engaged. well i stayed for just over 2months there in Jamaica. my first few days back communication was great but now its less frequent. and i forgot to mention he lives in a family yard, im not sure if that makes sense to whoever is reading this but we had our cultural differences, like his mother although a nice person refused to let me wash my clothes in the machine he bought for me, she insisted on washing all of my clothes undergarments included by hand. as im an American born and raised this was very unusual for me.

also i wasnt really allowed to cook for myself, so while he worked i was pretty much left at home with his mother to just wait until he came home, this took a toll on me emotionally because i wasnt allowed to do many things for myself. i tried to have an open mind on the situation but i am an extremely independent person. i would like for him to come to America and visit my family but visa issues have made that difficult. has anyone else experienced these issues? and is there any advice on the visa issue for carrib. nations? we plan to apply for a visitors visa soon. sorry the post is kind of long..

[Redheart14]

I'm not in the same situation so I can't give any advice that would help (sorry ) different cultures can make things hard but you embracing it (even though it was hard for you) would have helped. If you had refused his mothers help it would have most likely offended her.

[differentcountries]

I see that you want to make things your own, but I guess she is trying to be kind by helping you the best way she can, by taking care of your daily chores. You might turn this the other way around and see that she makes sure you have time for more than just cooking and cleaning, aka treating you as a special guest. Do you have anything to do while in jamaica? hobbies, work out, language?

When I visited my SO with his family (he does not usually live with them, but as they have a big house we opted to not stay in a hotel while visiting), his mother made all the food, all the time. She was happy if I offered to help with dishes, but even so she insisted on having things her own way (imagine, I hardly understood any Turkish at the time. And she literally does not get one word of English. She was trying to teach herself the English word "no" during my stay, from the American sitcoms SO likes to watch). There is a special Turkish way of rinsing soap the glasses that I was not familiar with at the time, they do it very quickly and sort of toss the water around and she could not understand why on earth I did not know the proper way to rinse a glass! She also told me I ate the breakfast in the wrong order (it never occured to me that breakfast could have an order). What me and SO did was we made desserts while I was there (she is not big on desserts. I don't think she made one during my stay), we also bought teas and stuff. The good thing was of course that she took care of the household things so that we could do other things, like go on trips. She made our bed with bed sheets that said "I love you" in Turkish, I really did not know if that was cute or very inappropriate for his mother to underline us being a couple like that You sort of have to accept that things are done her way, and appreciate what she does and be thankful towards her. I understand this can be increasingly hard to live by, I mean I never even lived 2 months with SO and certainly not his mother so I am not in your shoes exactly. But my experience with inlaws in general is just: let them have most things their way, it means so much to them for some reason and you can still know you would have preffered it differently but you can give them the gift of doing it the mother-in-law way. Perhaps in time you can try to convince her to try out your washing machine, telling her it would save her time while still getting the clothes clean. But I don't think you can do much about the communal feel, at least for me in Turkey I found I just have to go with the flow. And then create zones for myself where I feel comfortable.

About the visa; we did have one visa rejection for him to come to me yearlier this year. He took that pretty hard... I think when we apply again in winter we will have a much better chance, I mean I will have known him for over a year, visited him many times during and also I will make a personal invite letter where I take the financial responsabilities for him. I don't know about your visa laws, but here they fear immigration, despite that he has family and owns property in Turkey. I know some people have made it happen visa wise (his best friend has been on several 3 month stays) so I am optimistic, though.

[ladiielove22]

To Different Countries: No i had absolutely nothing to do except sit in the house all day and wait for him to return from work. If i wanted snacks from the market she would send one of the neighbors to go and get them for me. so i was pretty limited as to what i could do. eventually i learned to just let her have her way but despite her disapproval i began to take care of our house chores such as sweeping mopping and making our bed, just so i could have something to do and not sit around all day like a "lazy american". hahah thank you for the advice and good luck with the visa process! i hope you guys get it.

[digitalfever]

To Different Countries: No i had absolutely nothing to do except sit in the house all day and wait for him to return from work. If i wanted snacks from the market she would send one of the neighbors to go and get them for me. so i was pretty limited as to what i could do. eventually i learned to just let her have her way but despite her disapproval i began to take care of our house chores such as sweeping mopping and making our bed, just so i could have something to do and not sit around all day like a "lazy american". hahah thank you for the advice and good luck with the visa process! i hope you guys get it.

This is the funniest pity party I've attended. :P But I can relate. It's nice to not have to do things for yourself for awhile but then afterwards its kinda like "LET ME SWEEP UP MY OWN MESS!"

I would re-frame the way that your looking at this. She's literally inviting you into her home and trying to make you want for nothing and is ensuring that you are comfortable. I'd talk to your SO first and ask him what you can do around the house. Or try to look into things you can do outside the house. It's Jamaica!!!! It sounds as though she is welcoming you but ask your SO how you could become less of a guest and more apart of the family.

[ladiielove22]

To: Digital Fever...i guess i should have explained what a "family yard" was. the house actually belongs to myself and him she lives in the same yard pretty much next door neighbor. haha but when i ask or try to do the house chores on my own she will just do them over even when she knows ive already done them. (she's traditional and has this idea that Americans are dirty) but as far as going out on the island he works a whole lot and has panic attacks if he finds out that i went somewhere on my own even if its the corner market but i have tried to talk with him about it but thats always a touchy situation when you are discussing in laws with your SO. and s/n i wonder if you would be okay with your mother in law hand washing your underwear? lol

[Miasmata]

Did I read correctly that your SO doesn't want you to go outside on your own? Is safety in Jamaica a legitimate concern or is this an issue of his own?

[ladiielove22]

Did I read correctly that your SO doesn't want you to go outside on your own? Is safety in Jamaica a legitimate concern or is this an issue of his own?

it's not really an issue of safety because for the most part i blend in until i start talking then they realize im a foreigner and then they try to take advantage of me. but there was an instance when i was walking and using my phone and a guy was going to snatch and go but then when my SO took it from me the guy quickly crossed the street and turned around. so its more a matter of he is protective of me and doesnt want some one to take advantage of me because im a foreigner.

[differentcountries]

But how will you ever learn how to take care of yourself if he is always with you?

[ladiielove22]

But how will you ever learn how to take care of yourself if he is always with you?

i often wonder the same thing. but it's a sacrifice i must make until he sees i can handle being on my own. but i do believe it has a lot to do with his mothers influence.

[GuineaPunk]

I had no idea what quite drastic perceptions some communities have of Westerners, so like you I was incredibly frustrated to go and visit my boyfriend to find that I was being left back on the family farm all day with nothing to do and not allowed to go anywhere. But what you have to remember is they are just trying to look after you I'm not going to pretend that I am a safety expert, but I certainly know that Jamaica is not as safe as America, and they would soon be able to tell that you are not a local. Even the most confident and experience of travellers have a knack for sticking out even a tiny bit, which is more pronounced if you are very much in Jaimacan's-Jamaica rather than a tourist area?

Have you tried meeting in the middle and helping his Mum with the chores, making it a team effort? That worked for me, it was quite hard to break down that wall and show them I wasn't useless but once they started allowing me to get a bit more involved they soon realised that I wasn't completely hopeless . By the time I left I was preparing the vegetables for all meals, washing up the dishes once a day, washing the floors "like a proper African woman" and washing both my clothes and my boyfriend's clothes down the dam with his sister (washing for the rest of the family) and the rest of the women in the village. To be honest I was still pretty bored most of the time as I wouldn't see my boyfriend until very late in the evening, but it was good to break down the barriers and show them that I'm not a lazy Westerner. For me his Mum wasn't really a huge problem, I made a good impression with her on day two. One of her cows was giving birth and as the vet who came to assist spoke perfect English I asked him if I could help, vaulted over the fence and got in the thick of it. As they assumed I was from the big city of London they thought I wouldn't know how to handle cows, so that was a blessing for me in making a good impression. His sister on the other hand took a bit more convincing, but by the end of my visit she was a lot more accepting of my help, just needed to keep chipping away at it. I'm hoping next time I visit they will let me milk the cows and do some of the manual labour for his mother, as she is getting frail and her daughter seems to have no interest in helping her out!

I wish I could offer advice on the visa conundrum but I am also having visa related difficulties. It is a shame (for both of us) because for the boyfriends involved it would really help for them to see how independent we are in our normal lives for themselves!

[ladiielove22]

I had no idea what quite drastic perceptions some communities have of Westerners, so like you I was incredibly frustrated to go and visit my boyfriend to find that I was being left back on the family farm all day with nothing to do and not allowed to go anywhere. But what you have to remember is they are just trying to look after you I'm not going to pretend that I am a safety expert, but I certainly know that Jamaica is not as safe as America, and they would soon be able to tell that you are not a local. Even the most confident and experience of travellers have a knack for sticking out even a tiny bit, which is more pronounced if you are very much in Jaimacan's-Jamaica rather than a tourist area?

Have you tried meeting in the middle and helping his Mum with the chores, making it a team effort? That worked for me, it was quite hard to break down that wall and show them I wasn't useless but once they started allowing me to get a bit more involved they soon realised that I wasn't completely hopeless . By the time I left I was preparing the vegetables for all meals, washing up the dishes once a day, washing the floors "like a proper African woman" and washing both my clothes and my boyfriend's clothes down the dam with his sister (washing for the rest of the family) and the rest of the women in the village. To be honest I was still pretty bored most of the time as I wouldn't see my boyfriend until very late in the evening, but it was good to break down the barriers and show them that I'm not a lazy Westerner. For me his Mum wasn't really a huge problem, I made a good impression with her on day two. One of her cows was giving birth and as the vet who came to assist spoke perfect English I asked him if I could help, vaulted over the fence and got in the thick of it. As they assumed I was from the big city of London they thought I wouldn't know how to handle cows, so that was a blessing for me in making a good impression. His sister on the other hand took a bit more convincing, but by the end of my visit she was a lot more accepting of my help, just needed to keep chipping away at it. I'm hoping next time I visit they will let me milk the cows and do some of the manual labour for his mother, as she is getting frail and her daughter seems to have no interest in helping her out!

I wish I could offer advice on the visa conundrum but I am also having visa related difficulties. It is a shame (for both of us) because for the boyfriends involved it would really help for them to see how independent we are in our normal lives for themselves!

because a few African societies especially Ghana and Kenya are very similar to Jamaican culture your advice is much appreciated lol i have tried helping with the chores and even doing them her way but she says im there on vacation but three months in my opinion is no vacation.

As far as appearance no one knows im a foreigner i actually get gasps and stares when i talk with my American accent. but of course when i use my card to pay for things or i take out my phone and some other things i immediately stick out like a sore thumb especially when we go visit rural areas.

He knows how independent i am i have lived on my own since i was 18 because i decided to leave home to attend university. but his nature of course is to want me around the house since we have a two story home i can now do the work upstairs because for some reason she is terribly afraid of the stairs. now that i have watched him feed the pigs i can do that while he is at work but he refused to let me clean their pen (which i actually am glad about haha)

wow you worked with the cows!? Ive been trying to convince him to expand our farm but at the moment we only have the pigs and goats. Im sure as time passes and they see how serious the both of you are they will let you milk the cows especially since the mother is aging; they are very big on family and making sure mom is happy and taken care of....have you started to learn Swahili or his village language?

its okay that you couldnt offer visa advice you gave me so much more! we are both in unfortunate situations but when the time is right they will be granted their visas and we can get our fairytale endings