I feel like I'm not a priority anymore

[Indie]

Hi

I met the love of my life 2 years ago, but we have never met in person. We just talk through emails and Instant Messaging. We don't even skype, he doesn't have a webcam.

I'm feeling a bit upset lately for a couple of reasons.
We used to IM every single day and usually at night too. We live in complete opposite time zones, so my morning is his night and vice versa. Then he went on holiday, so we just texted occasionally for the week. When he returned, we started emailing instead of Instant Messaging. When I asked him if we would start to IM again soon, he said 'Later, darling, once everything is more settled down for you.' (I'm just about to finish uni so things are a bit busy) But I assured him I have time for him. He kept telling me that it was better for me, and that he understands our kind of relationship requires a lot of time and effort. Well this is obvious.
He wouldn't listen when I kept saying I wanted to keep Instant Messaging.
It's the only 'real' form of communication we have and now he wants to take it away. One email a day isn't enough for me. I like to ask him questions and for his opinions on things. But now I can't.

And also, I'm upset that we've never met. He works, and I'm just a student, so he obviously has more money than me. He has just been to Prague for the week. Him and I have never seriously discussed making any plans to meet. I realise that it's expensive, very expensive. But it would be worth it, I thought. He mentioned looking for a job locally, but he never did. Or he said there were none.

I just feel sad every day that he doesn't seem to miss our long, deep conversations on IM. He'd rather just type an email at night and I don't know how much longer I can stay in a relationship that is getting more distant instead of closer

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

My advice, tell him exactly what you just said in the last paragraph. Tell him that it isn't enough for you, that you need more. And ask him about visiting and if it is possible. Because expressing your feelings and needs to your SO is the only way an issue can get fixed.

[differentcountries]

I can understand that applying for at job the same place as a woman he has never met is a bit far stretch, not to mention he is very far away. But he can work towards a visit, at least stipulate the cost and then start a saving plan. Do you have accomodation for him?

I don't get why he can't buy himself a web camera or treat himself to visiting an internet cafe with camera/skype.

Anyway, it sounds like something changed for him during the vacation. Maybe he is protecting himself. Try talking to him about it. If that doesn't work, tell him how you truely feel about where this relationship is going.

[lilspitfire]

Ohh kind of a red flag that he doesn't want to meet. Can he call you? Skype doesn't need a webcam for voice calling. Just a microphone and almost every laptop comes equipped and so do desk computers. He can voice call for fairly cheap. Also, Yahoo IM does voice calling for free. I've used it before so I know. I'd bring this up to him.

[JaneEmily]

An even bigger red flag to me is that they've known each other for 2 years, been in a relationship for one and have never even Skyped or from what it sounds like had an outloud conversation. Have you ever seen his face or heard his voice? I think you need both these things and if he refuses to even try to get Skype, or try a skype call - let alone refuse to IM with you - that would be an even larger red flag. I'd be cautious, but I'd let him know what you need from him to keep the relationship strong. A successful LDR needs communication, and if the current communication isn't enough for you - you need to let him know loud and clear - and if afterwards, he still seems like he isn't too bothered about it then I think you know your answer that he just isn't "into it" any more.

Like others have said, getting Skype isn't even too difficult. You can even get it on your iPhone/smartphone - be on Wifi and have a Skype to Skype call for free. He doesn't even need to use a computer to be able to Skype you. And another thing, Skype on smartphones allows you to video-call so he also doesn't need to buy a webcam either as you can easily have a video chat that way. I think he's just not putting enough effort in to make communication better between you both.

[TaraMarie]

A webcam is about $10. Everyone can afford that.

[Hollandia]

I see several red flags.

He want on a vacation so he has the money but yet he never even asked to meet you.
He has no web cam... that is crap.
He won't even IM you "for your own good".

You do know this could be a catfish? He could be anyone of any age or any sex or even a prisoner. He could also be anywhere in the world. Don't believe everything someone says just because of length of time. You need to see him on a webcam and make sure, he is who he says he is. Now.

[lilspitfire]

I see several red flags.

He want on a vacation so he has the money but yet he never even asked to meet you.
He has no web cam... that is crap.
He won't even IM you "for your own good".

You do know this could be a catfish? He could be anyone of any age or any sex or even a prisoner. He could also be anywhere in the world. Don't believe everything someone says just because of length of time. You need to see him on a webcam and make sure, he is who he says he is. Now.

Agreed! We've all given answers. I bet you can find a goodwill or a discount electronics store with used webcams for less than 10. I've lived in several different states that had discount electronic stores. In fact, I just went to Google, shopping, and typed in webcam. Found it for 7.99. If he can go on vacation, he can buy a webcam. A trip to Prague probably cost 100s of dollars. Also, if you talk to him and he agrees to meet you WITHOUT camming first. DO NOT GO. DO NOT LET HIM COME THERE without someone else with you. Like Hollandia said, you may be being catfished and playing a DANGEROUS game.

[lilspitfire]

My advice, tell him exactly what you just said in the last paragraph. Tell him that it isn't enough for you, that you need more. And ask him about visiting and if it is possible. Because expressing your feelings and needs to your SO is the only way an issue can get fixed.

Sorry, but I have to disagree. No way should they meet in real if they havent skyped. Too dangerous. He is behaving very strangely. He has a job yet can't buy a webcam? This is 2014 ffs, not 1914. She's 21 and should not ever be meeting someone she hasn't seen before by herself or him coming to her. Ever. He could be a killer, rapist, anything.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Sorry, but I have to disagree. No way should they meet in real if they havent skyped. Too dangerous. He is behaving very strangely. He has a job yet can't buy a webcam? This is 2014 ffs, not 1914. She's 21 and should not ever be meeting someone she hasn't seen before by herself or him coming to her. Ever. He could be a killer, rapist, anything.

While I'm all for caution and I certainly agree the OP needs to exercise some.. Skyping isn't any particular indication that someone isn't a killer/rapist/etc. (Not least because a lot of rapes happen with someone the victim knows.)

Meeting someone from the internet after Skyping should likely be treated the same way as meeting someone from the internet without Skyping: in public, with people knowing where you are/how to reach you/when to expect you back. And trusting your gut while you're at that first meeting.

I've met people from internet dating sites, and have never Skyped a single one except for my current SO.
They were all nearby, of course, but meeting in public or Skyping them really would give no difference in indications of safety.


Now, if we want to talk about how Skyping would show that he's potentially more invested in the relationship, that's a different story, and if he won't Skype, that can be a big red flag for sure. But willingness to Skype on its own shouldn't necessarily be taken as "okay, he's not a murderer now, he Skyped me."

[lilspitfire]

I posted that she should meet him with someone in the post ABOVE as you can see here:

Agreed! We've all given answers. I bet you can find a goodwill or a discount electronics store with used webcams for less than 10. I've lived in several different states that had discount electronic stores. In fact, I just went to Google, shopping, and typed in webcam. Found it for 7.99. If he can go on vacation, he can buy a webcam. A trip to Prague probably cost 100s of dollars. Also, if you talk to him and he agrees to meet you WITHOUT camming first. DO NOT GO. DO NOT LET HIM COME THERE without someone else with you. Like Hollandia said, you may be being catfished and playing a DANGEROUS game.

I'm saying not seeing his face and meeting him alone is a dangerous game. And just because there are people that get raped by someone they know DOESN'T mean that strangers don't rape. And I never said because he skyped you he's not a murderer. Where are you getting that? So you're saying it's okay that this girl meets this dude without seeing his face and everything will be fine because he is whom he says he is? Are you serious? Pull out some Ann Rule. Search the web. She doesn't know what he looks like. He could be ANYONE. Maybe he is in prison like Hollandia said. Some get access to the internet.

Also I indicated in my second post that she shouldn't do it alone. I think you're just reading what you want.

[lilspitfire]

I've met people from internet dating sites, and have never Skyped a single one except for my current SO.

Just because it worked out well for you, doesn't mean it will for her. Telling her to meet up with people you've never seen before because it worked out for you is dangerous. And so what they meet in public? They leave and there's more people and the "real" person never even was in front of her. I think I'd want to know what my SO looked like before going out to meet him even in public. He could say he was there and send anyone. How would you know?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm saying not seeing his face and meeting him alone is a dangerous game.

And I'm saying it's no different than seeing his face and meeting him alone.

So you're saying it's okay that this girl meets this dude without seeing his face and everything will be fine because he is whom he says he is?

I'm saying seeing his face doesn't indicate anything. At all. I can practically guarantee the only reason some people here did Skype, etc. with their partners before meeting was because it was such a long distance to go otherwise.

She doesn't know what he looks like. He could be ANYONE.

All I'm saying is that knowing what he looks like doesn't.prove.anything.

Answer me this: How does knowing what he looks like make her any safer?

[silvermoonfairy3]

Telling her to meet up with people you've never seen before because it worked out for you is dangerous.

No, telling someone that meeting them is somehow more okay if you've Skyped them is dangerous. That's what leads people think they really know the person, because hey, they've talked on Skype.

Meeting someone from the internet has potential dangers, REGARDLESS of whether or not you've talked to them on Skype. Thus, it should be treated with caution.

And so what they meet in public? They leave and there's more people and the "real" person never even was in front of her.
I think I'd want to know what my SO looked like before going out to meet him even in public. He could say he was there and send anyone. How would you know?

I didn't say you shouldn't know what people look like. I certainly saw pics before meeting people from internet dating sites. But the idea that you shouldn't meet someone without Skyping is a false sense of security. Meeting someone from the internet at any time needs caution. But I wouldn't say that Skyping automatically makes it safer, or that not Skyping someone automatically makes it less safe. *


* Depending on situations. Active refusal to Skype, or not wanting to Skype in combination with other red flags makes it a bigger deal.

[Indie]

Thanks for all your answers, but him not skyping me isn't the problem. Of course he would buy a webcam, he has offered to before haha. We skyped a few times at the beginning, then his broke. But I've seen his face before so he isn't catfishing me haha.
I guess I just miss him and I miss our long IM conversations too