How to keep from crying when it becomes too much?

[Marmalade]

I just feel like we will never get to be together longer than a few weeks. At this point he makes 8k shy of the financial requirement for UK, but his dad makes 50k+ a year and could cosponsor me. I just don't want to take out loans to study and I could never ask him to pay for the rest of my schooling. I've meant to email a school or two there to find out what I'd be classified as if I were to marry him and then finish there. Does anyone know? Would I still be international? It might be stupid of me to ask, but I honestly have no clue. I just don't want us to get married and already have a ton of debt because of my University. I feel so stressed and I just want to have him hug me and whisper it will be alright, but he won't be able to for 75 more days. Am I just being young and stupid for dreaming? How do you keep calm when you're feeling overwhelmed and missing them dearly?

[snow_girl]

I feel like you think getting married is the answer to things. Have you had serious conversations about why you two want to get married and what will happen afterward? Here are some questions to consider. You don't have to answer them here but seriously think about what marriage is and what it entails and means to you. Why do you want to get married? Do you believe that anything [major] will change afterwards? Do you have the same, exact, and very clear and extremely compatible views on commitment, weddings, children, how to spend a weekend, hobbies, sex, dry spells, attraction, etc? When things lull, how will you both fix them and not just walk away? Under what conditions would either of you divorce? Marriage is serious shit, and i don't think a lot of people realize that.

[conejita_hada]

I'm guessing it'd be similar to the US but I could be wrong. In the US a person isn't considered a resident (non-international) for student purposes until they have their green card, therefore the student would be international for at least their first year. Send an e-mail to an admissions department at a UK university and see what they say, though you should probably tilt the tone of the e-mail to be excited for their program and add as a side note the question about classification as a legal partner of a UK citizen. They won't want to be your visa access program.

Waiting to close the distance sucks and sometimes the pain just can't be helped. Sometimes, you just have to embrace the sadness and remember how awesome it is just to have that individual in your life. Do have a shirt or stuffed animal that has his scent or just holds special meaning? The teddy bear I have that "wears" his shirt always helps me on a really sad day.

[Marmalade]

I feel like you think getting married is the answer to things. Have you had serious conversations about why you two want to get married and what will happen afterward? Here are some questions to consider. You don't have to answer them here but seriously think about what marriage is and what it entails and means to you. Why do you want to get married? Do you believe that anything [major] will change afterwards? Do you have the same, exact, and very clear and extremely compatible views on commitment, weddings, children, how to spend a weekend, hobbies, sex, dry spells, attraction, etc? When things lull, how will you both fix them and not just walk away? Under what conditions would either of you divorce? Marriage is serious shit, and i don't think a lot of people realize that.

Yes, we have discussed it and we actually have discussed some of those very questions. We do agree on most of the questions and those that we don't we have worked out a way to please us both. We obviously will welcome advice from family and friends once he asks my dad, but for now I think we have our minds made up. Unless he decides he wants to study in the US, I feel it is one of our few options. I completely agree that it is serious and few people realize it. I always get worried about friends who get engaged 6 months in and plan to marry within the next few months. I feel like rushing things could lead to a downfall and yes I realize I am doing that too. Ideally I would wait until I had my bachelors done with, but I don't think I could go a day without missing the way we are when we are together. His family said they have never seen him so happy and I honestly would never give up on making him happy.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I just feel like we will never get to be together longer than a few weeks. At this point he makes 8k shy of the financial requirement for UK, but his dad makes 50k+ a year and could cosponsor me. I just don't want to take out loans to study and I could never ask him to pay for the rest of my schooling. I've meant to email a school or two there to find out what I'd be classified as if I were to marry him and then finish there. Does anyone know? Would I still be international?

Would you still be international in terms of...course fees and stuff?
Yes, most likely, but international tuition in (some?) schools in Wales/the UK isn't anything like the crazy rates here. In the US, if in-state tuition is, say, $10,000 a year, it might be $25,000 for international. At the school I went to (in Wales) for example, it was like 9,000 pounds for an EU student, and 11,000 pounds for an international. Yeah, it's 2k more, and that sucks, but it's doable, with some finagling.

But, many things depend on the school. If there's a particular one you want to go to, you should look into their course fees specifically.

I *think* but am not 100% sure that you would need to have residency or citizenship of the EU to get the non-international rate at a UK school, not just be married to a citizen. A good friend of mine lives in Glasgow.. She went over as a US citizen with a student visa and ended up getting married to a guy she fell in love with there, but was still international because student visa hadn't switched to spouse visa/she wasn't considered a resident yet, etc.

But, I don't know ANYTHING about getting married before the schooling. My guess is you'd need to be fully finished with the process (as in, got married, got the visa with or without sponsorship, and considered a resident before you start school) to get the non-international rate. But that's just a guess on my part and you should definitely talk to the school you're interested in and possibly an immigration lawyer.

Out of curiosity, how would you be paying for school here if you stayed in the US? Did you get some good scholarships or something?

[silvermoonfairy3]

probably tilt the tone of the e-mail to be excited for their program and add as a side note the question about classification as a legal partner of a UK citizen. They won't want to be your visa access program.

I find that to be the opposite, actually. In my experience and those of friends I've had study in the UK, getting a student visa is the easiest of any of them, and schools are happy to help with that process.

[Marmalade]

I'm guessing it'd be similar to the US but I could be wrong. In the US a person isn't considered a resident (non-international) for student purposes until they have their green card, therefore the student would be international for at least their first year. Send an e-mail to an admissions department at a UK university and see what they say, though you should probably tilt the tone of the e-mail to be excited for their program and add as a side note the question about classification as a legal partner of a UK citizen. They won't want to be your visa access program.

Waiting to close the distance sucks and sometimes the pain just can't be helped. Sometimes, you just have to embrace the sadness and remember how awesome it is just to have that individual in your life. Do have a shirt or stuffed animal that has his scent or just holds special meaning? The teddy bear I have that "wears" his shirt always helps me on a really sad day.

I was thinking the same. Yea, he bought me a hoodie and wore it for two months before he gave it to me. Then I have the teddy he sent me for graduation. I haven't completely unpacked still and it has been two months, so most of my things smell like his house. I am thinking a movie night on Friday with some ice cream, wearing the hoodie and cuddling up to skype and teddy will do me some good. Thank you

[Marmalade]

Would you still be international in terms of...course fees and stuff?
Yes, most likely, but international tuition in (some?) schools in Wales/the UK isn't anything like the crazy rates here. In the US, if in-state tuition is, say, $10,000 a year, it might be $25,000 for international. At the school I went to (in Wales) for example, it was like 9,000 pounds for an EU student, and 11,000 pounds for an international. Yeah, it's 2k more, and that sucks, but it's doable, with some finagling.

But, many things depend on the school. If there's a particular one you want to go to, you should look into their course fees specifically.

I *think* but am not 100% sure that you would need to have residency or citizenship of the EU to get the non-international rate at a UK school, not just be married to a citizen. A good friend of mine lives in Glasgow.. She went over as a US citizen with a student visa and ended up getting married to a guy she fell in love with there, but was still international because student visa hadn't switched to spouse visa/she wasn't considered a resident yet, etc.

But, I don't know ANYTHING about getting married before the schooling. My guess is you'd need to be fully finished with the process (as in, got married, got the visa with or without sponsorship, and considered a resident before you start school) to get the non-international rate. But that's just a guess on my part and you should definitely talk to the school you're interested in and possibly an immigration lawyer.

Out of curiosity, how would you be paying for school here if you stayed in the US? Did you get some good scholarships or something?

Thank you. I'll email and ask to be certain & I already have rates and lists down. I got several academic scholarships. I was able to buy his ticket with left over school money. It is not much and I am still working, so I can help take care of him while he is here. I don't believe my guests should ever have to pay for anything. As long as they clean and help out, they can stay.

[conejita_hada]

I find that to be the opposite, actually. In my experience and those of friends I've had study in the UK, getting a student visa is the easiest of any of them, and schools are happy to help with that process.

I'm sure they're more than happy to help with the visa process; I suppose I meant more on the line of they want the student to utilize them for a visa to further education, not just move to the UK, if that makes sense. Researching US universities for my SO, the ones I contacted all seemed more than happy to help with visa processes, as well.

[farandaway]

I don't have any advise on visas and financing studies but oh, do I miss my sweetheart dearly and really really understand what it's like. I will see him in 9 days!! and I'm so happy for that but at the same time I cry over then what... when I leave it'll feel so empty again. I have done about 14months long distance now and it's not really doable in my opinion. It's way too hard. I don't sleep well because I miss him, I can function when I stay busy but nights and mornings are hard to get going. Last time after I came back home after 2 weeks with him, it was just terrible. I was really depressed instead of happy and I couldn't get much done. It took weeks to adjust to being without him again. So, I do understand that you want to find ways to be with him. We don't have any clarity about our future yet. We have talked but nothing realistic. We can't even marry (yet) to get over that problem. Marriage does need serious consideration but I know we have the same values and I would do it in a heart beat. If I have to find something positive in an LDR, it's learning to know the other person very well, when talking and writing is all you can do. Good luck with everything!

[differentcountries]

I don't think calm is really the thing. It is more a matter of getting distractions from other things, or even getting a bit emotionally numb.

If you don't want to study on your own reccord, getting married is an option. Do look into the rules. If he can afford it, why should he not chip in to cover his wife 's studies? Especially if it makes you employable in the US.

[Marmalade]

I don't think calm is really the thing. It is more a matter of getting distractions from other things, or even getting a bit emotionally numb.

If you don't want to study on your own reccord, getting married is an option. Do look into the rules. If he can afford it, why should he not chip in to cover his wife 's studies? Especially if it makes you employable in the US.

I just don't want him to have to pay for it. Its my education. Either I earn scholarships which I have or I pay for it myself. Do you mean UK? I am a US citizen. I'll keep trying to distract myself.

[Marmalade]

I don't have any advise on visas and financing studies but oh, do I miss my sweetheart dearly and really really understand what it's like. I will see him in 9 days!! and I'm so happy for that but at the same time I cry over then what... when I leave it'll feel so empty again. I have done about 14months long distance now and it's not really doable in my opinion. It's way too hard. I don't sleep well because I miss him, I can function when I stay busy but nights and mornings are hard to get going. Last time after I came back home after 2 weeks with him, it was just terrible. I was really depressed instead of happy and I couldn't get much done. It took weeks to adjust to being without him again. So, I do understand that you want to find ways to be with him. We don't have any clarity about our future yet. We have talked but nothing realistic. We can't even marry (yet) to get over that problem. Marriage does need serious consideration but I know we have the same values and I would do it in a heart beat. If I have to find something positive in an LDR, it's learning to know the other person very well, when talking and writing is all you can do. Good luck with everything!

It's my favorite thing about LDRs. Everybody used to say how can you love someone you don't know? Well we focus on emotional connections and actual talking rather than physical and sexual connections like some close distance relationships.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I just don't want him to have to pay for it. Its my education. Either I earn scholarships which I have or I pay for it myself.

Have the two of you discussed money and how you see finances working in your relationship?

Different people have different views on it, and none are less valid, just wondering if he has any expectations that he'd be helping out.

I tend to have a bit of a communist mindset in serious relationships, where my partner and I have "our" money, not mine and his, where I pay for my things and he pays for his. Especially on big things like education, or vehicles, or rent, etc. But the money discussion, like many things, is kind of an ongoing discussion. There are times when I expect my partner would need to lean on me and times when I'd expect to need to lean on him, and in any case it would always be a matter of figuring out where our money is going, so it's not just both of us thinking it's there and spending it or something.

[differentcountries]

I don't pay for my SOs education per say, but I do make it easier for him to study as we have our own flat and I encouraged him to work less off season to he could study (he passed most of his exams), which makes that I have to pay for lots now since he doesn't have any savings.

Money has been a big issue for us in the past, especially with him being a man taking my money, but now he is more comfortable with thinking of money as "our" money.