the beginging of the end

[somewhereinbetween]

Because the distance is very hard on me, and always has been...I've reached a point where I cannot see a future with my SO. I do not believe we have the ability to close the distance due to a lack of money, jobs that are in high demand, etc. Because of this I am pretty much taking our relationship day by day, and feel as though all we will get is a few weeks when we visit each other, and that's it. I feel like we will just eventually fall apart, mostly because of my inability to be strong. And I feel incredibly guilty for this, for being okay with just a few weeks visiting, sleeping with each other, and then going our separate ways. I know this is not what he wants, I know it will be hard on us both after spending that time with each other....but I literally cannot see myself being in a LDR for 3,4,5 years.

[Redheart14]

Is this your first LDR?
Sorry you feel this way

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I kinda get how you feel I guess. With me, I know it will be 7 years or more of distance. That sucks. But I also can't see myself with anyone else.

My point, weigh things out. No point in dragging out the relationship if you really don't think it will work out. It would probably hurt more later on. But if there is even the smallest glimmer of hope, try to hold on.

You can message me anytime if you need someone to talk to

[kittyxuchiha11]

sometimes the best way is to just take it day by day in a hard time because honestly, i think we all have those days or even weeks where we just feel this cant work out but it normally 9 times out of 10 can be sorted. i don't want to undermine your feelings here but honestly it just sounds like you're really down and not having your SO physically there is really bothering you. believe me when i say anyone on this forum can tell you they've felt the exact same way at some point. a lot of really bad stuff has happened in my relationship recently and i was so fed up i honestly nearly broke up with my SO last week but then we started talking about the future and although i know it will be at least about 3 and a half years until we can even start to think about closing the distance or even just seeing each other in person, i still have hope that we'll get through this and be together eventually.
I guess if you get anything from this is just that things are rough just now and they might be for a while but you've gotta at least try your hardest and try stay optimistic. i know its really really hard but i'm sure you'll get through, and if you don't, then its just one of those things.

[squeeker]

I get how you feel, sorta. My SO and I had a hard time and sometimes still do have a hard time knowing when we will close the distance. Well that's what lead us to both go back to university to train in fields that would help us gain a career we enjoyed that would also *hopefully* give us more money because our future will cost a lot, with the visas and immigration requirements, as well as just living in general. But as we still have at least 2-3 years left of long distance and have been doing this for 4+ years as a couple, it can get tiring.

At the end of the day, we do take it day by day, visit by visit, and try and save up money. Of course only you and your SO can decide whether it's worth it. If you don't think so, then you will have more difficulty in a long distance relationship, especially when there seems little hope for the future.

Something that helps me keep hope is thinking about what we want, thinking about being with him. I also think about how I couldn't be with anyone else. And I'd rather wait however long it takes than not have him at all. Although it does get frustrating to know that when we close the distance we will be nearing 30 if not in our 30s already.. so I see your age and I think I see why you are feeling depressed about it as well. But just try and weigh the choices.. would you rather be with him and wait and try and work out a plan.. maybe something will come up that you can't see right now.. or is there something in the relationship that isn't working anyway so it might be better to cut it short and move on and heal from it? Just try and work out what is best for you.. maybe even make a pro con list to help you sort out your mind.. and think about what you want or what is best. Good luck.. I hope things work out for you!

[p_b82]

Ultimately as has been said by others you need to work out if the emotional cost is worth the rewards in the long run.

As we all know emigrating between UK and US is no easy task, and one or both of you have to be committed to relocate if you both don't want and LDR permanently.

The feeling alone, and coping with all of life's trials is the hardest part of an LDR for me. But I spent quite a long time at the start of our relationship (before we were formally going out) actually asking myself the questions of 'is she the one for me and the love of my life, can I see myself marrying, can I see myself emigrating' when I came to the conclusion that I would do anything for her, all the answers became yes, and so we ventured into this together.

Those questions normally don't get asked until a lot later in most CD relationships, but I felt it was going to be kinder to both of us to actually think about them now, before we invested more emotionally.

It is tough, the post visit blues caused us to have an argument that was over something blown way out of proportion & would never have been an issue if we were CD, but these things happen when communication is limited to lines of text, or the odd call.

I hope you have the strength to get through this, but if you have the attitude that you think you are just marking time, then you will probably end up suffering and marking time, so try to remain more positive, it does make it easier

Good luck!

[somewhereinbetween]

Yes, it is my first LDR and if it doesn't work out likely my last as I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. I feel at this point if we could visit and spend time together it would help sway me one way or the other, although again, I feel guilty at the thought of having him come here when I feel so uncertain about our future. I'm hoping that he can get his boss to give him time off soon, because I need some clarity and I'm just not getting it.

[Starjasmin]

Hi,

First of all, don't feel guilty. You're sorting out your feelings, and that's okay! Another visit may in fact help clarify the things you are feeling. Another poster said it, you never know what might come up that's unforeseen which might help bring you two together sooner than you originally thought.
My LDR has been relatively short. And I feel a bit ashamed of how impatient I'm getting after less than a year of dating and less than 4 months of a committed relationship, compared to many couples I've read about on here who have been carrying on for much longer than me!
Think about the clarity you feel you lack. Do you know the sources of it? Are they things you can discuss with your SO now? Be honest with yourself first, then open up to him if you haven't already about your concerns.

Wishing you the best in your LDR!

[Redheart14]

Yes, it is my first LDR and if it doesn't work out likely my last as I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. I feel at this point if we could visit and spend time together it would help sway me one way or the other, although again, I feel guilty at the thought of having him come here when I feel so uncertain about our future. I'm hoping that he can get his boss to give him time off soon, because I need some clarity and I'm just not getting it.

Hopefully you can get him to visit, that might help.

[rhabdoviridae]

First and foremost, it's okay to feel this way. It sounds as though you've been doing this for a bit (almost a year according to your start date) and it just isn't working. Some relationships just do not survive distance, and it isn't your fault or your failure. If you feel like it's too much for you to handle emotionally, I would not at all feel ashamed of ending the relationship. It's such a personal thing and no one should make you feel obligated to continue in something that is making you unhappy.

If you look ahead and see that you've got 3-5 years of distance ahead of you, it seems insurmountable and many people feel like it's impossibly long. We'll have put four years of distance behind us when we close the distance for good in November; at the start, it seemed so daunting but if you keep your head down and putting one foot in front of the other, the time does pass. Things like visiting or skyping more frequently can help you to feel closer. But for some people, it just isn't feasible and it isn't enough. Don't be afraid to admit that. Do what makes you happy.