Bad Turn

[bubblehits]

So my trip to the US is in 16 days but I've noticed a change in my SO this week.

He's been quiet and distant got a message from a mutual friend today telling me they had been chatting. She asked if she could tell me what he said without it getting back to him.

The words she posted back broke my heart a little bit. These are my boyfriends exact words to her: "this long distance thing is starting to wear thin on me, I guess" "I just hate that I feel single and alone despite not being single I guess". He also said it should be okay when I'm there. But here's the thing he hasn't told me any of that, he's just got quieter.

He's been in a long distance before that didn't work out so I guess he knows what to expect of a long distance when you're lonely. My friend asked me if we are on the same page. I want this long distance to work out, I want us to be able to close the distance but if he isn't happy I don't want to hold him in it. There's another girl that lives in the same town that fancies him and I would rather let him go and be happy with another girl than let him stay with me and be miserable in a long distance relationship.

I messaged him earlier saying that I know something is wrong because he's been distant and will he tell me what he's thinking.

I have a feeling that after my visit is through (and it's a month long visit) he'll decide he can't handle this and want to be friends...and I'll let him just so he can be happy.

[differentcountries]

Don't think like that. I am sure that after meeting you he will be very much into LD. Remember he has not been in a LD with YOU before, just some other girl.

[Petals]

I imagine how hard it must be to hear those words but try to be positive. I suggest you wait until you are there to have a conversation about the direction of your relationship. In the meantime, send him photos of you both from previous visits every other day or something to that effect. I also suggest that you both plan some interesting things to do during your visit.

Sometimes the distance gets too hard and you feel like you just can't do it anymore. It is up to both people to lean on each other when one gets a bit discouraged. Be the strong one for now until you are face to face. 16 days will go by quickly though now it may seem like a lifetime...hang in there

[Redheart14]

I imagine how hard it must be to hear those words but try to be positive. I suggest you wait until you are there to have a conversation about the direction of your relationship. In the meantime, send him photos of you both from previous visits every other day or something to that effect. I also suggest that you both plan some interesting things to do during your visit.

Sometimes the distance gets too hard and you feel like you just can't do it anymore. It is up to both people to lean on each other when one gets a bit discouraged. Be the strong one for now until you are face to face. 16 days will go by quickly though now it may seem like a lifetime...hang in there

^^ this

[OperaDiva]

I know it must sound really disheartening, but remember that he was talking to a friend, unloading something that he didn't want to burden you with. I have actually said almost exactly the same thing to a friend about my LDR. I felt really guilty. Then I told it to my SO and he accepted it. This is a feeling and it's very real and logical. It doesn't mean that he will base his relationship on a feeling (hopefully).

Ask him gently if he is having a hard time with the distance or with something else. Tell him you are there for him and that you want to keep going forward with him. That usually works for me (when my SO says it).

[bubblehits]

Update: He messaged me back after I asked what was on his mind, here is the things he said. "I just haven't been well, and I've felt stressed lately"

I said that he could talk to me about it and he replied with: Talking about it won't help since its just about a bunch of little things

And then: You over-thinking stuff doesn't help either of us.
I don't think I'm over-thinking anything since I know what he told our friend but obviously he doesn't know she told me. I really hope things are okay when I visit.

[eta-carinae]

My SO shared exact same feelings with me in the past and my reaction was just as yours (wishing him to be happy in the first place). Once it was before my visit and he suggested to break up, because it became unbearable. But then in a few months we decided to give it a try and now we're trying to close the distance.

I believe this is just an LDR thing and not a problem in relationships. Suggesting a strategy for the future seems to help, because it shows that there will be an end to the loneliness.
Being sincere and telling how much he means for you also helps. I'm glad I did this, instead of saying: "Whatever, I only want you to be happy". Sharing that I also feel lonely didn't help in my case, because knowing what it feels like he didn't want to do this to me.

Be strong and believe that everything will be alright!

[differentcountries]

Update: He messaged me back after I asked what was on his mind, here is the things he said. "I just haven't been well, and I've felt stressed lately"

I said that he could talk to me about it and he replied with: Talking about it won't help since its just about a bunch of little things

And then: You over-thinking stuff doesn't help either of us.
I don't think I'm over-thinking anything since I know what he told our friend but obviously he doesn't know she told me. I really hope things are okay when I visit.

It sounds like he is used to handle most things by just going on with his life (which I can relate to), and that he confied in a friend because he needed to blow out some steam that would sound a lot more serious if he said it to your face. He probably doesn't really know that he handles things this way, as guys often are not aware there are alternatives in these matters. I suggest showing him it is ok for him to confide in you, but also that you respect it if he doesn't always want to do that. Also, he should respect the way you process things, they are not "over-thinking" but your way of thinking which he should regard as equal to his own. Respecting these things is crucial over the distance. If he didn't learn that in his last ldr he better start learning now.

[bubblehits]

Thank you everyone
I guess I'm a little upset because he didn't tell me anything, we've spoken and he insists everything is okay, so i'll go along with it for now.
15 days till my trip so fingers crossed, I know it'll be harder when I go home so hopefully we get along as well in person as we do on skype to want to continue the relationship.

[silvermoonfairy3]

And then: You over-thinking stuff doesn't help either of us.
I don't think I'm over-thinking anything since I know what he told our friend but obviously he doesn't know she told me. I really hope things are okay when I visit.

Honestly, I think him saying it's you over-thinking isn't necessarily a bad sign, because it can kinda mean that he was just talking to a friend and getting something out, but that's not necessarily what he permanently thinks/feels, or whatnot.

I know it's frustrating from your side because you know what he said to her and he doesn't know you know, but I'd say for now just trust that if he needs to bring it up with you, he will.
Good luck with the visit!

[rhabdoviridae]

How frequently do you communicate? What medium do you use to communicate? Maybe increasing the frequency or changing to a face-to-face mode (if not already used) would help him feel a little more connected to you? Hopefully the visit will inspire him to keep going.

[Petals]

Thank you everyone
I guess I'm a little upset because he didn't tell me anything, we've spoken and he insists everything is okay, so i'll go along with it for now.
15 days till my trip so fingers crossed, I know it'll be harder when I go home so hopefully we get along as well in person as we do on skype to want to continue the relationship.

Your bf didn't want the insecurity you are now expressing so he chose to unload to a friend. He was probably having a bad day or just a passing thought and thought it was safe to talk to your mutual friend. Most of us have thought at least once that LDR is just too damn hard and we don't know if we can make it. I know I have, but then in a few hours or the next day the feeling passes, because deep down we know we have to fight for our relationship.

Don't add anymore stress to the relationship now by probing further. Make things light and interesting as you prepare for a visit. Send him some naughty pics . Write him a short story that involves you both as characters. Plan a surprise for him - anything! Just don't get bogged down by this.

A few days after you are face to face, you can talk about what you want from each other. I noticed this is a first meet!?

Girl - it is normal to have A LOT of mixed emotions just before a first meet! I was beside myself with worry and plethora of negative thoughts flooded my mind. All the what ifs!

Ride the waves of the positive emotions and bury the negatives. This is an exciting time! Get busy planning things to do in his area and ways to make sure your first meet is an unforgettable time!

Don't be your worse enemy now!

[bubblehits]

We communicate everyday. We message each other on Skype, send random photo's on Facebook (because Facebook message is so much faster for that) and then normally everyday when I have time to myself we voice call with Skype. My SO doesn't like video calls so we've only ever done it twice despite my urging to do it again.

And he kind of worried me again today, one of the first things he messaged me with today was ho do I see me and him, the trip, the last 11 months. I was just like oh no, what does he want me to say.

So I told him the truth that obviously it's hard, the trip is so we can actually meet and get to know each other more and decide from there what we want to do.

Thankfully we soon moved onto a happier conversation and I'm only thinking about what I have left to do before I fly out. Got to try and plan something for his birthday now because he doesn't know what he want to do :/

[digitalfever]

I don't think he hasn't said anything that a lot of people haven't thought. Stay positive.

[Shangrii]

Can I ask how this worked out for you? I'm in a similar situation, except I'm in your SO's shoes, and we started out being together physically before moving to an LDR. He's coming in a couple weeks (first time seeing each other in 7 months), but I'm getting a bit worse, and I'd feel so horrible if things weren't able to rekindle when he comes. How did he feel when you guys met?